Movie For Dogs (6 page)

By Andrea Walker

I will get excused absences for the two days of school that I miss if I write a report about my adventures in Hollywood.

So here it is.

It was terrible having to tell my beautiful, talented, brilliant dog, Bebe, that my brother’s dog, Red, was going to go to Hollywood with us and Bebe wasn’t. It’s not Bebe’s fault that she isn’t able to open gates. If I’d thought about it in time, I could have rewritten the script and made Bobby a dachshund and had him dig a hole and crawl under the gate to get out of his yard. And I could have done
something with the toolshed, like make it have a hole in the floor so a dachshund with Bebe’s skills and intelligence could have gotten out that way and led the other dogs to safety.

But there was a deadline, and Bruce had all kinds of reasons why Red should be the star, and all of a sudden Red was Bobby, even before I’d written it into the script.

I tried to explain that to Bebe, but she went into one of her sulks and hid behind the clothes dryer in the laundry room, which is what she always does when her feelings are hurt. I didn’t even get to kiss her good-bye before we left for the airport.

The plane trip was not as much fun as I’d expected. I wanted to sit with Aunt Alice, but Bruce got there first, so I had to sit with Kristy. Tim told me yesterday that Kristy is Jerry Gordon’s girlfriend. That’s a scary thing to think about. I kept my arm pulled in tight to my side, because I would smash my way through the plane window and hurl myself out into space before I would brush my elbow against the elbow of a girl whose elbow has touched the elbow of Jerry Gordon.

Kristy brought Lamb Chop on board in a carryon cage. She put that under the seat in front of her.
Lamb Chop is a Maltipoo. She looks like Snowflake Swanson might look if Snowflake was a midget.

Red had to ride with the luggage.

Right before the plane took off, Kristy’s cell phone rang. There was a picture on the screen. Kristy said, “This is so amazing!” Of course that made me curious, so I asked, “What’s amazing?” Kristy said, “A boy in my math class told me he’s got a cousin in Chicago who looks just like him only older. That cousin just sent me his picture, and it’s true! He looks exactly like Jerry, except he has a mustache. Here — look!”

She shoved the phone screen in front of my face before I could stop her, and there was Connor Gordon with fuzz on his upper lip.

“Isn’t he cute?” Kristy gushed.

I said, “He has shifty eyes.”

“How can you say that?” Kristy asked me, sounding like I’d insulted her dearest friend, even though she’s never even met Connor. “This isn’t a video, Andi. There’s no way you can tell if his eyes are shifting.”

Then, thank goodness, there was an announcement for everyone to turn off their cell phones, so Kristy clicked hers off and put it in her purse. I didn’t
talk to Kristy for the rest of the trip. Instead, I wrote in my notebook. I wrote a poem about how the sky looks from an airplane window and a poem about Bebe in the laundry room. I’ve decided not to include those poems in this report, because I may want to turn them in as part of a different assignment. For instance, for science we might have to write about cloud formations. There’s no sense wasting a poem that I might find a use for later.

When we got to LAX, which is the name of the Los Angeles airport, a man in a uniform was holding up two cardboard signs. One said “WALKER” and the other said “FERNALD.” Those were for Bruce and Kristy. Each of them got their own sign, even though we were all going to ride in the same car.

The man got our luggage and let Red out of his crate and took us outside to a limousine. He explained that Mr. Craig Donovan had sent the limo because taxi drivers in Los Angeles won’t take dogs as big as Red unless they belong to movie stars. Aunt Alice put on her allergy mask so she could ride in the car with Lamb Chop and Red without sneezing.

We were starving, because the only food on the plane was pretzels in little plastic bags that we couldn’t get open. Aunt Alice told us that she used to
cut them open with nail scissors, but the man at the airport who put her purse through a metal detector wouldn’t let her take her scissors on the plane. Nobody else could do that either, so there were lots of people trying to open the pretzels with their teeth. One woman broke a tooth and started screaming. The flight attendant brought her an ice pack.

It took us over an hour to get to our hotel, because the roads were clogged with traffic. That made it almost bedtime, New Jersey time, and we still hadn’t eaten.

We are staying at a special hotel that allows pets and has room service for dogs. Dogs have their own menus. Dry dog food costs eight dollars. Braised beef and garden vegetables costs ten dollars. There is also something called a Grilled Chicken-Liver Feast that’s so expensive that Aunt Alice wouldn’t let Bruce and Kristy order it for Red and Lamb Chop even though Star Burst Studios is paying for everything. She said it’s “inappropriate to take advantage of our hosts.”

The limo driver suggested that Aunt Alice take off her mask before she went into the hotel. He was afraid the people at the desk would think it was a holdup. He promised to keep Red and Lamb Chop
safe in the car and bring them to Bruce’s room after we were registered.

While Aunt Alice was checking us in, a man came up and asked, “Are you here for the
Dogs in Action
contest?” Aunt Alice said, “Yes,” and the man said, “I’m Maynard Merlin, and I’m here for that, too.” So we’ve now met our other competition besides Kristy.

I took notes while our enemy talked to Aunt Alice:

Maynard Merlin has shiny black hair that doesn’t match his gray eyebrows.

He was wearing a gray suit and a red tie.

He smiles all the time, even when there’s nothing to smile about.

He guessed who we were when he heard Aunt Alice tell the check-in person that we had two dogs outside in a limo.

His own dog, Gabby, was in their room, resting up for tomorrow’s interview.

He asked Aunt Alice too many questions.

One question was, could we all eat dinner together? Aunt Alice said that was a nice thought but we were too tired from the long plane trip to be
good company and she thought we would order up room service. Then he asked her if she would like to meet him later in the lounge so they could have a drink and get to know each other. She told him, “No, thank you.”

Then Kristy asked him what Gabby’s video was about.

Mr. Merlin said he’d taught Gabby to talk.

To Be Continued

They gathered in the hotel lobby at eight o’clock the next morning to wait for the limousine to take them to Star Burst Studios. Maynard Merlin was waiting for the limousine as well, and Gabby was with him. The only one of their group who was not staring at Gabby was Mr. Merlin, who was staring at Aunt Alice.

Aunt Alice adjusted her mask and said, “Good morning, Mr. Merlin.”

Mr. Merlin asked, “Is that you, Alice? I didn’t recognize you with your facial adornment. I hope you had a good night’s rest.”

“I slept very well, thank you,” Aunt Alice said politely. “Both of our four-legged companions slept in the room with Bruce, so I didn’t sneeze even once. Kristy has informed me that Maltipoos are
nonallergenic, but I’m not one for taking chances, especially with a big day ahead of us.”

The children could not take their eyes off Gabby. They had expected something extraordinary, but he looked like a run-of-the-mill hound-type dog with floppy ears and oversized lips.

Kristy said tentatively, “Hello, Gabby.”

Gabby said, “Allo.”

Kristy let out a shriek. “Oh, my gosh, he really
does
talk! Mr. Merlin, I thought you were kidding! What else can he say?”

“His vocabulary is somewhat limited, because there are particular sounds that dogs can’t make,” Mr. Merlin explained. “Gabby has trouble pronouncing certain letters of the alphabet, such as ‘s’ and ‘b.’ The ‘th’ sound is beyond him, but he does very well with vowel sounds and with easy letters like ‘l,’ ‘w,’ and ‘r.’”

“Hello, Gabby,” Andi said. “I’m Andi Walker. I’m very glad to meet you.”

“Allo, Annie Wawar,” Gabby said.

Then, just as Bruce was preparing to introduce himself, the limousine driver arrived to whisk them off to Star Burst Studios.

Aunt Alice took her seat in the car, and Mr. Merlin immediately plunked down next to her. Bruce sat behind them with Red, and Kristy squeezed in beside him with Lamb Chop on her lap. That left Andi to share a seat with Gabby, which she didn’t mind at all, as she had liked the dog as soon as she’d seen his sweet face.

“Are you excited about being interviewed?” she whispered to him.

Gabby said, “Uh-uh,” and leaned his head against her shoulder.

When they reached the studio, they were ushered into a pleasant waiting room with large plush chairs and a sofa. A secretary phoned Mr. Donovan, who rushed out to greet them. He was wearing a flowered sports shirt and pink pants and had a diamond stud in his right earlobe.

He gave a gasp of startled recognition when he saw Aunt Alice in her face mask.

“Mrs. Rinkle!” he exclaimed. “What a delightful surprise! I was under the impression that you’d fallen into a volcano!”

“I’m not the real Mrs. Rinkle,” Aunt Alice told him, extending her hand for him to shake. “I simply
played her in the video, which, as you know, is a reenactment, not a documentary. My name is Alice Scudder, and I’m here to act as a chaperone for these three children. These are Bruce Walker, the producer of
Bobby Strikes Back,
and his sister, Andrea, who wrote the film script. This other young lady is Kristy Fernald, who created the video about her therapy dog.”

“And I’m Maynard Merlin, and this is Gabby,” Mr. Merlin interjected quickly, clearly anxious not to be left out. “Gabby, say hello to Mr. Donovan.”

Gabby said, “Allo, Mrrrr Onowam.” Apparently
D
and
V
were other letters that caused him problems.

Mr. Donovan appeared both startled and impressed.

“I owe you an apology, Mr. Merlin,” he said. “I must admit, I was slightly suspicious that you might have morphed your film in order to create the visual effect of a dog talking. Obviously that’s not the case. This is truly astonishing.” He turned his attention to the others. “And these glorious animals must be Bobby and Lamb Chop! What marvelous specimens they are!”

“There were other dogs in our video, too,” Andi said. “Did you notice the dachshund with the big, expressive eyes? Her name is Bebe, and she can shake hands and roll over.”

“I wanna geggit owa wig,” Gabby said.

“What he’s saying is ‘Let’s get the show on the road,’” Mr. Merlin translated. “He can’t wait to get in front of the camera!”

“No, it’s not,” Andi said. “He said, ‘I want to get this over with.’”

“Well, either way, let’s get the ball rolling!” Mr. Donovan said. “The studio in which we’ll be taping is down the hall, and I’d like to conduct separate interviews to avoid distractions. Those of you who aren’t involved in a taping session are free to relax and make yourselves comfortable out here. Mrs. Rinkle — I mean, Scudder — would you like for my secretary to bring you some coffee?”

“Only if it comes with a straw,” Aunt Alice said through the hole in her mask.

“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Mr. Donovan said. “In Hollywood all things are possible!” He turned to Mr. Merlin. “I think we should begin with Gabby, since he’s so eager to get started. Maynard, I’m going to want you to describe how you trained
this extraordinary dog, and, of course, we’ll want him to demonstrate his abilities.” He turned to Kristy. “I’ll be asking you to explain what Lamb Chop does as a therapy dog, and perhaps you can persuade her to dance for us.”

“Of course!” Kristy said. “Lamby loves to entertain people. I even brought along her hula skirt.”

“As for you, Bruce,” Mr. Donovan said, “I’ll want you to describe the circumstances behind the story
Bobby Strikes Back.
Bobby’s beauty and vitality are truly electrifying. When I saw him come leaping out of the top of that storage shed, I was reminded of famous canine actors such as Rin Tin Tin and Strongheart and Lassie. Bobby has the makings of a star!”

“Thank you, sir,” Bruce said.

Once Mr. Donovan took Mr. Merlin and Gabby into the studio and Kristy was occupied dressing Lamb Chop in a grass skirt, Bruce slid over close to Aunt Alice and whispered, “What am I going to tell him? The rules of the contest say the video has to be based on our dog’s most dramatic moment, and it is — you can’t get much more dramatic than getting dognapped. But Andi did make some changes in details of what happened when she
hoped her book would be published as a fictional novel.”

“That does create a bit of a problem,” Aunt Alice agreed. “However, you can truthfully state that the dognappings occurred last summer and your dog was one of the victims. It might be prudent for Andi to participate in the interview, as she is more at ease with dissembling than you are.”

“We can’t
lie
to Mr. Donovan!” Bruce protested.

“My gracious, no!” Aunt Alice exclaimed. “I would never suggest that you lie. ‘Dissembling’ has a different meaning entirely. ‘Dissembling’ means shrouding negative aspects of a situation and accentuating positive aspects.”

“Like with Gabby’s talking?” Andi asked, catching on immediately. “He leaves out the parts that don’t work, and that makes people pay more attention to the parts that
do
work.”

“That’s an interesting analogy,” Aunt Alice said approvingly. “Andi, you definitely must be part of this interview.”

Kristy’s cell phone began chiming.

Setting Lamb Chop gently aside, she extracted the phone from her purse.

“It’s him again, Andi!” she cried. “This time he’s sent me a text message!”

She seemed to believe that Andi would really be interested.

“How special!” Andi said sarcastically, but Kristy accepted the remark at face value and began to read the message aloud. “He says, ‘Hi, babe! My cousin, Jerry, says you’re hot stuff. Want to get together the next time I’m in Elmwood?’” She paused and then said with bewilderment, “I don’t know what Connor means. Why would Jerry tell him I’m ‘hot stuff’? I don’t even date yet.”

“You can’t be text messaging Connor Gordon!” Bruce exclaimed. “Are you crazy? That guy’s a piece of crud!”

“He looked very nice in the picture he sent,” Kristy said. “It isn’t kind to judge people by their reputations. Jerry told me that Connor has suffered a lot from people spreading false rumors about him because they’re jealous of his sports car.”

“That’s not the reason!” Bruce turned to Aunt Alice. “
You
tell her about Connor! She’ll believe
you
!”

“Kristy, dear,” Aunt Alice began, “I would hate
to destroy your commendable faith in humanity, which is one of your most endearing qualities, but it just so happens —”

She was interrupted by the reappearance of Mr. Donovan and Maynard Merlin. Gabby, who looked exhausted, leapt onto a chair and placed his paws over his eyes. He looked as if he were suffering from a terrible headache.

“I hope he didn’t overextend himself,” Mr. Donovan said. “He was doing great until there at the end when I asked him to recite the Gettysburg Address.”

“He’ll be fine as soon as he’s rested for a while,” Mr. Merlin assured him. “The problem with the Gettysburg Address is that it has so many ‘s’ sounds in it. When Gabby hits one of those, he has to find some other sound to substitute, and that creates a drain on his brain. It’s like the search-and-replace feature on a computer, except he must do it in his head.”

“Well, he did very well,” Mr. Donovan said. “I was impressed. Your description of Gabby’s training program was mind-blowing. Seven o’clock in the morning until seven at night!”

“If Gabby wants to succeed, he has to practice,”
said Mr. Merlin. “I’m not exactly an ogre. I give him a lunch break.”

“Even so, that’s a heavy schedule,” Mr. Donovan said. “Kristy, I see that you have Lamb Chop garbed in her hula skirt. Are the two of you ready for your interview?”

“Absolutely,” Kristy said, stuffing her cell phone back into her purse. “Come on, Lamby! Let’s tell the world about therapy dogs!”

Once Kristy and Lamb Chop had left the reception area, Mr. Merlin sat down on the sofa next to Aunt Alice. He reached over and covered her hand with his own.

“How are you holding up, Alice?” he asked gently. “Is this excitement stressing you out?”

“Thank you for your concern, but I’m not stressed out in the least,” Aunt Alice told him, sliding her hand out from under his. “I’m in excellent health and enjoying myself tremendously.”

“I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t looking well,” Mr. Merlin said hastily. “It’s just that I know it must be stressful to travel with grandchildren.”

“Andi and Bruce are my great-niece and great-nephew,” Aunt Alice said. “I love them dearly,
but they are not my grandchildren. My late husband and I were not fortunate enough to have children.”

“So you’re all by yourself?” Mr. Merlin exclaimed with sympathy. “It’s the same with me. I have no one in my life except Gabby. We share a bachelor apartment, my dog and I, and the evenings are long and lonely.”

“Is that why you taught Gabby to talk?” Andi asked him. “So you could have someone to chat with?”

“Yes, but it’s not the same as a human companion,” Mr. Merlin said. He returned his attention to Aunt Alice. “What is your living situation, Alice? I assume you, too, have an apartment or perhaps a nice condo?”

“I have a three-bedroom home with a rose garden,” Aunt Alice told him.

“I’m sure that both are as lovely as their owner,” Mr. Merlin exclaimed with enthusiasm. “I have a suggestion to make, and I hope you’ll agree to it. Perhaps we could pick up some fast food for the children, and once they are safely stashed in their rooms watching television, you and I could enjoy a
candlelight dinner in the rooftop-garden restaurant at our hotel.”

“Mr. Merlin, I am flattered by your attention, but I must advise you that I have been spoken for,” Aunt Alice said.

Mr. Merlin seemed stunned. “You’re telling me you’re engaged?”

“A delightful gentleman asked me to marry him,” said Aunt Alice. “I don’t mean to imply that you are not also a delightful gentleman, but this other gentleman found me first, and finders — as they say — are keepers.”

“Then that mask has some sort of religious significance?” Mr. Merlin asked, apparently reeling with shock from this sudden disclosure. “I’ve heard about cultures in which women, once they are betrothed, must keep their faces covered until after the marriage ceremony.”

“Cultural customs are fascinating,” Aunt Alice agreed. She inserted the straw through the mask so she could suck her coffee, which put an end to further conversation.

Mr. Donovan returned to the room with Kristy and Lamb Chop.

“Bruce, it’s your turn!” he said. “It’s time for you and this beautiful setter to tell and show the world how Bobby struck back.”

“I was hoping that maybe my sister could come with me,” Bruce said. “She might think of things to tell you that I’ve forgotten.”

“There’s no need for that,” Mr. Donovan assured him. “You and Bobby will do just fine on your own.”

“Mr. Donovan, I’d like to suggest —” Aunt Alice broke in, but Kristy interrupted her.

“That’s not fair, Mr. Donovan!” she burst out. “Andi wrote the script! There wouldn’t be any
Bobby Strikes Back
without Andi! It’s only right for you to interview Bruce and Andi both!”

Andi turned to stare at her enemy in amazement.

Maybe she’s not so bad after all
, she thought reluctantly.