Motown Breakdown (Motown Down #4) (14 page)

So when she digs deep into my skin and wails,
I love you for never delivering me from pain, I love you for always driving me insane, I’ll bleed you dry now
I took it, I took all of it. This time when the chorus dropped and she threw her head back, I didn’t let go. It took everything I had not to drop her but I managed it, barely. Initially, I kept her close to me so she wouldn’t get hurt by the crowd. Now I kept her close so she wouldn’t hurt herself. Smacking my shoulders to be let down, I allow her some room but stand behind her with my arms coming around her neck.

On and on she kept screaming,
blood, blood, blood, pump mud through my veins, I’m a dirty, dirty girl, I want it filthy
.

I haven’t known Luna very long, but for a woman who dealt with a dark world, I had been impressed with how maturely she handled it. The woman trying to break free from my arms wasn’t handling it, she was losing it. When she started clawing at her own arms I’d had enough of watching her suffer. Picking her up into a fireman’s carry, I push the crowd out of my way until I have her safely outside.

Slowly setting her down, I let her regulate her breathing before I lift her chin to see her eyes. Part of me didn’t want to because I was positive they’d be blood red after that fucking demonic possession she just had. Hoping the exorcism was complete, I ask her, “You good?”

Giving me the biggest smile I have ever seen she says, “That. Was. Awesome! I needed that.” And that’s when I knew without a doubt marrying Shade would kill her.

“That scared me, mama,” I confess. “The fuck just happened in there?”

“Did you see Maria Brink? Isn’t she hot?”

“Wasn’t looking at anyone but you, Luna. Tell me what the fuck just happened.”

“I enjoyed my first concert?” she asks biting her lip.

“Yeah? You enjoyed it?”

“Did you not stand there next to me and see it for yourself?”

“Hard to see much with your nails stuck in my face,” I remind her and that’s when she pales. Cocking her head to look at my cheek she bites her lip again and I watch tears fill her eyes. Reaching up she traces her fingers over the grooves she left behind and whispers, “You’re bleeding.”

“No shit,” I grunt.

“Crews I’m—,” she tries. “I’m so sorry.”

“Which parts were for me, Luna? The parts where you hated me or the parts where you loved me? I realize I’m competing with Shade and that I’ve already lost but tell me where I fucking rank.”

“I said I was sorry,” she mumbles wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“You clawed half my God damn face off and you won’t tell me why?”

“I can’t.”

“Bullshit,” I grunt in her face. “I want an answer,
now
.”

Nostrils flaring, tiny fists clenched she looks up at me and screams, “Because I want what I can’t have!”

“Dammit, Luna,” I groan pulling her to me. “We’ll figure this out alright? Calm yourself.”

“I want to go home,” she cries into my chest.

“Okay, mama,” I say leading her away from the show. “I’ll take you back.” And no sooner did we hit the steps, she made a run for it and slammed her door shut behind her.

This morning when I woke up, I quickly put on my robe and went across the hall to knock on his door. When he didn’t answer, I looked out at the lot and saw his truck was gone. Feeling pretty shitty about that, I dressed not caring what I wore and grabbed my bag on my way out.

I drove around looking for the right place for a half an hour. My dilemma was this; I had no idea what my ethnicity was. I was raised by Marco who is your classic Italian at least I assumed he was based on movies. I also assumed he was probably Catholic because he crossed himself a lot. He used to say I looked like my mother but I couldn’t remember what she looked like and he kept no memories of her, not even a photo. Since I did not want to know who my father was due to him brutalizing my mother and all, I pulled into the lot deciding that today I was Catholic.

I’d never been to church before but this one seemed as good as any. There were only two cars in the lot plus mine so I knew I wouldn’t be interrupting services. Walking in, I was overwhelmed by the colors first, the statues second and the giant cross hanging from the ceiling third. This place was…very holy. And fuck me, I was thinking I didn’t belong here. Forcing myself forward, I find an empty bench toward the front and stare at all the lit candles. Hundreds of them burning for what I assumed was good reason. Peeking over my shoulder and seeing no one, I knelt down and looked back up at the cross.

“I’ve never done this before,” I say aloud. “But you probably know that, huh?” When God didn’t smite me (assuming that’s his job), I kept going. “Down here in my world, we’re big on favors and I was hoping I could ask you for one. This means I owe you and you can call it in whenever you want. But the favor isn’t for me,” I rush out because people like me don’t get things from God. “It’s for someone I care about. Someone who deserves better than what he has. My favor, if you’re willing to grant it is…give Crews a good woman to love him. Shit,” I mumble. “Not Crews, I meant Edward Crews but you probably knew that too, right? Anyway,” I say sitting back on the bench but never taking my eyes off the cross. “My wish or prayer whichever you prefer is that he be happy. That’s all I’ve got, Amen.”

When a door closes behind me, I see a man step out of a box attached to the wall and he was wearing robes oh, and he was coming this way. Perfect. Ready to bolt before he called the cops, I stand up and he raises his hands then lowers them basically telling me to sit back down. “I know I’m not a member,” I explain. “I just stopped in to call in a favor so I’ll just go now.”

“What is your name?” he asks and with a white aura surrounding him I sucked in a breath and told him the truth.

“Luna.”

“Luna,” he smiles. “Have you ever been to confession?”

“Beaten for answers, yes.” I nod. “I’ve been to confession.”

“Child,” he whispers placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry you have suffered. Confessing of your sins is what I meant.”

“Is that what the boxes are for?”

“They are confessionals, yes.”

“I can’t,” I mumble pushing his hand from my shoulder.

“Anything you say inside that box stays between us and the Lord.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I ask him and his answer was leading me to the box where I was to sit and confess my sins to him and God (who I’ve never spoken with in my life until today). Leaning forward with my elbows on the ledge, I see his blurred image on the other side and told him, “You asked for it,” and then I started from the beginning. Losing steam, I ended with, “I’m marrying a man I don’t love so my father can’t kill me. Except he’s not my father biologically, but he did raise me, kind of, and he’s still in charge for the time being. See, there’s this war going on and to keep me safe, I was moved off the grounds and into an apartment where I met my neighbor. He’s everything a man should be, right? At least all the things I would consider important in a male. Given the chance, I could love him, be his everything too but to do that would kill us both,
literally
. I don’t want him to die for caring about me so I came here today to ask your boss to take care of my neighbor for me. It’s time for me to go back where I belong and it would be nice to know he’d be in good hands.”

“Oh child,” he says but I stop him from going any further.

“Do you think he heard me?” I ask him.

“Yes,” he confirms and that was enough for me. Before he could say any more or get my email to spam me with church outings, I bolted from the box and hauled ass back outside. I didn’t stop running until I reached my car. I sat there for a while thinking about Crews, Shade, and my future. So when Shade called to tell me he was home early I was actually glad that he was. Because if I didn’t go back now, I’d get caught and if I was caught, Crews would pay for my sins. Rolling my eyes, I made myself another promise, no more church.

When I came back from getting some groceries, I knocked on her door and panicked when she didn’t answer. I even stood there for a good thirty minutes while continuously knocking hoping she’d just been asleep. I’d left early to get the things I needed to make her breakfast so we could talk about last night and so I could explain my idea. She wasn’t supposed to be gone yet. We were supposed to have more time. Parting ways as we did last night was wrong, it wasn’t us. I needed the chance to apologize to her, to touch her, to at least…say goodbye if she didn’t like my proposal.

Hearing footsteps, I face the hall and watch her trip coming up the final step. Seeing me at her door she falters again and coming to stand in front of me, won’t meet my eyes.

“I thought you left,” I grate out. “Thought you left without saying goodbye.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” she whispers and I caught the lie.

“Where did you go?”

“Church.”

“Church?”

Shrugging she moves around me and opens her door. Following her inside, I kick the door shut and cross my arms over my chest. “I wanted to make you breakfast,” I confess. “Came back and you were gone.”

“I like breakfast,” she says giving me the fakest smile I have ever seen.

“Alright,” I say opening the door. “Come over when you’re ready.”

Nodding to me, I closed the door behind me and went over to my place to start cooking. She showed less than five minutes later and without saying a word she grabbed a knife to help me chop. We cooked together in silence, ate together in silence, and sipped coffee together in silence too. Pushing away from the table, she reaches forward to take my plate but I stopped her when I wrapped my fingers around her wrist.

“Don’t,” I say rubbing my thumb across her skin. Watching me do it, I see her face soften and wasting no time, I seated her on my lap. Wrapping my arms around her she leans forward resting her head on my chest. Running my arms up and down her back she does the same using her fingers on mine. “I know which words were mine, mama,” I tell her softly and felt her fingers latch on to me. “You hate Shade for his role in your life just as you love me for mine.”

“I hate the sight of blood,” she whispers. “But I’ve seen so much of it that I feel like I’m bathing in it. I can’t say that I’m not proud of who I am because I haven’t been given a chance to be anything but this. Except for the times I’ve had with you.”

“Luna…”

“In another life, maybe I’ll do better.”

“Luna stop…”

“I went to church today and prayed for you,” she says sitting up to face me. Taking the back of her hand she runs it down my cheek careful of the scabs her nails left behind. “I prayed for you to find love and to be happy.”

“Luna, listen to me…”

“I can’t be either of those things for you, Crews,” she says and when one tear falls, I knew this was it, she was letting me go. “The priest assured me God heard so I’m going to trust that he’s going to give that to you.” Leaning forward she presses her lips to mine once, twice, before giving me the saddest smile I have ever seen. “Crews loves Evie,” she whispers.

Gripping her tight, I vow to her, needing her to understand that, “Crews loves
Luna
.”

Biting her lip, she takes my face in her hands and was about to say something but stopped herself. Saying nothing, she climbed from my lap, closing the door on her way out.