Mother's Story (24 page)

Sunday lunch in Romford was a grand affair by Hillcrest Road standards. Her mum and dad had got out the best china, dusted off the spare chairs from the shed and laid the table with wine glasses and a bud vase full of flowers from the garden. Coral, she knew, would have ticked off the jobs from her list that lay by the cooker, making sure her timings were perfect. Potatoes in, check; plates warmed, check.

Jessica looked at her parents, Matthew and her friends. They all had their heads turned towards Lilly, who reigned supreme at the head of the table, sitting in her grandmother's lap. Polly had her hand clasped over the back of Topaz's as though he might disappear at any second. Did she and Matthew use to be like that? She didn't know who she could ask.

‘She's such a good eater,' Coral confirmed as she wiped the milk trickle from Lilly's cheek.

‘Gah!' Lilly suddenly shouted, waving her hands in the air.

‘Gravy!' Roger called out. ‘That sounded like gravy!' Roger held up the gravy boat.

‘That definitely could have been gravy!' Coral agreed.

‘Gravy! Clever girl. Gravy!' Matthew joined them, forming a chorusing trio. They did this as a rule, repeated every noise she made as though she were a deity dispensing wisdom.

‘It wasn't gravy – she's only three months old, she can't speak, for goodness' sake! She laughs at her own farts.' Polly smiled.

‘I do that too!' Matthew said. ‘And she might only be three months, but maybe she's just super advanced, gifted!'

‘Gifted, my arse!' Polly commented and reached for her plonk.

‘Would that be your arse with the cherub on it, Pollywollydoodle?' Roger asked.

‘Jessica! I can't believe you grassed!' Polly screamed, and banged the table. She turned to Coral. ‘If you tell my parents, I am dead!' Polly stared at Coral and Roger, who had known her since she was small.

‘Well, that depends on how well you do the dishes today.' Roger pushed the tray of buttery roasted spuds towards her.

‘But that's blackmail!' Polly tutted.

‘Yep.' Roger reached up and clinked glasses with Matthew.

Polly looked at her boyfriend, aghast.

‘You can leave me out of it!' Topaz held up his palms.

Jessica found it odd that her family chatted and laughed despite her silence. They ate, giggled and stared at her daughter as though she were a television screen. Mimicking, echoing and praising her every noise and move. Jessica sat quietly, trying to nod and smile in all the right places, all the while trying to think of ways to escape.

Roger, finally beaten, pushed the bowl of uneaten pudding away from him and placed his splayed fingers across his little, rounded belly. He gave a slow yawn. Dinner had been a wonderful success. Succulent meat accompanied by vegetables roasted to perfection and a homemade fruit pie, the fruit for which Coral had picked, stewed and frozen for an occasion such as this. Lilly had been passed around like a prize and just the right amount of wine had flowed in all the right directions. There had been much hilarity as familiar family stories had been resurrected for the umpteenth time and told with a new twist, Roger and Coral alternately recounting their own parts. Everyone apart from Topaz knew how they ended; they knew that Polly ended up in a skip in the middle of Gidea Park and that Jessica had made out that she hadn't known her and had walked right by, leaving her best friend wedged between a discarded mattress and an old ironing board, with her legs in the air.

‘I still haven't forgiven you!' Polly yelled. Jessica watched as Topaz now grasped her hand; things seemed to be going well for them.

Everyone present continued to coo over everything Lilly did and she responded by smiling on cue and giggling wide-eyed at her grandpa, much to his delight. Jessica thought how wonderful it was to be so loved and hoped that Lilly would remember this time in her life when she got older, remember the time when her every action was greeted with fascination, provoking a reaction of sheer delight. All she had to do was smile.

Jessica watched Matthew stride around the table, clearly as pleased as punch. She knew this was the kind of Sunday he had dreamt of: their lovely family, laughing and happy. He looked relaxed. It must make a pleasant change for him not to be walking on eggshells, watching and waiting to see how she was coping with the day. She knew Margaret would take the credit, positive that their presence the previous week had in some way contributed to the new-found peace that seemed to have settled over him, the boy that they adored. The truth was, Jessica had tried very hard in the last week to ‘snap out of it'. She had got dressed, washed her hair and put on some perfume and when Matthew walked through the door, she made sure she was smiling and holding Lilly. It seemed to have done the trick. He kissed her more and didn't seem quite so anxious about leaving her alone. If only it was that easy to fool herself.

Jessica knew it was best for everyone if she kept up the pretence. But she was a bundle of nervous energy, fuelled by the adrenalin of the mentally exhausted. She felt like a reluctant circus act, spinning plates for the various members of the assembled audience and performing a different role for every individual. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a drum roll please for Jessica, the Greatest Deceiver of Them All!' Matthew had winked at her when they arrived, a wink that said:
‘I love you for having our baby. We are going to be okay. You are doing great!'
Polly had winked at her during the main course, a wink that said:
‘You seem better, mate, and that is so good!'
Her dad had winked at her during pudding: ‘
That's my girl, holding it all together. I couldn't be any prouder of you.'
Jessica truly wanted to scream at them all, she wanted to hurl her parents' prized best china at the wall and watch it shatter, she wanted to clear the table with an outstretched arm and make a big noise and then when she had everyone's attention, she wanted to ask them,
‘How? How exactly is it all going to be okay? You have no idea how I am feeling. None of you!'
But instead, she kept the words in her mouth; it was easier that way.

Lilly became a little unsettled, wriggling, whining and arching her back no matter how Coral held her or what method of distraction she employed. Her energetic outburst arrived just as the adults were feeling the torpor of full tummies, the haze of too much plonk and the lull after hectic conversation.

Jessica felt her mum studying her face; she knew that Coral would see beneath the smiling veneer and layers of concealer, noting that she looked absolutely shattered. It was hard to hide the two large, dark ovals under her eyes.

‘Darlin', why don't you go and grab forty winks? Polly and I could take Lilly for a bit, read her a story, let her have a play?' Coral patted her granddaughter's back.

‘Actually, I think I might go for a walk,' Jessica announced. ‘I could do with a leg stretch and some fresh air.'

‘Great idea!' Polly clapped her hands. ‘I'll just grab my phone.'

‘Actually, Poll, I think I'll go on my own, if you don't mind. I want a bit of time to myself, and besides, you shouldn't leave Paz. Dad'll get the photo albums out and you know you don't want that.' Jessica smiled at her dad, who, unused to drinking at midday, was now slumped back in his chair with a happy booze glow.

Lilly, clearly exhausted by her performance, started to cry. Matthew lifted her from her grandma. ‘I'm going to spirit away this grumpy baby and when she reappears she will be smiling and smelling far sweeter than she does now.' He kissed her cheek. ‘Come on, you.' Lilly flopped onto her daddy's shoulder as he climbed the stairs to Jessica's old room, where the travel cot was set up. Jessica knew Matthew would probably collapse by her side and sleep too; the lure of the thick duvet on the freshly made bed would be too strong to resist. She couldn't blame him.

‘I shan't be too long, just a quick stroll.' Jessica stood up from the table and threw her napkin onto her plate.

Coral shook her head. ‘Sure you don't want company, love?'

‘No. I'm fine. Really.'

‘In that case, I shall make a start on the clearing up.' Margaret addressed this to her husband, whose eyes closed in a long blink. Clearly he was in no mood to help.

‘I'll give you a hand, Mrs D. It's only fair, in exchange for your silence about my bottom.'

‘Tell you what,' Topaz piped up, ‘I'll do the dishes while you two natter. It's the least I can do after such a lovely lunch.'

‘Oh, thank you, T— lovey.' Coral was still unable to call Polly's man Topaz. ‘But you don't know where anything goes!'

‘I'm sure I can figure it out.' Topaz flashed his winning smile and Coral felt her resolve melt.

Jessica kissed her mum on the cheek and watched her dad's head slump forward; he was slack-mouthed and already deep in sleep. ‘See you in a bit.'

‘Of course, darling. I'll pop the kettle on when you get back.'

Jessica smiled and nodded as her mum busied herself with the clearing of the table.

Pulling on her trainers and her old sweatshirt in the hallway, Jessica recalled the evening she had stopped by, less than a year ago, newly pregnant and full of joy at the prospect of what lay ahead. If only she could turn the clock back. If only. The thing that confused her most was how everyone else was so enamoured with Lilly and yet she was her mother and just couldn't feel the same level of connection. It left her feeling alienated from her family and lonely, so very lonely.

Topaz rinsed the dinner plates and then the cutlery under the hot tap and put them in the dishwasher.

Matthew came into the kitchen and placed the baby monitor on the work surface. ‘She's zonked out, bless her. Rog asleep?'

‘Yup!' Topaz nodded in the direction of the table. ‘Polly and Margaret are in the sitting room. Think they'll be asleep too by now.'

‘Lightweights.' Matthew laughed. ‘You are going to give me a bad name if you keep offering to do the dishes.'

‘You could always help, if you're worried about losing Brownie points?'

‘Urgh, how can I refuse?' Matthew collected the pudding bowls and handed them to Topaz for a quick rinse.

With the dishwasher stacked and whirring away in the corner, the two men began tackling the heavy pots, pans and serving dishes. Topaz was quickly elbow-deep in the square stainless-steel sink, sporting the feather-trimmed pink rubber gloves that Coral had been given the previous Christmas. Rather than see them as a threat to his masculinity, Topaz wore them with pride, flashing the large fake diamond ring that was attached to one of the fingers. The two worked in amiable silence for some minutes, any awkwardness long gone.

‘So how do you make a living, Paz? I mean, running the odd class for pregnant women, that can hardly cover your rent, can it? If that's not too personal.'

They both laughed, knowing it was far too personal.

‘I get by.' Topaz smiled.

‘You certainly do. Polly is smitten.'

‘She's a great girl.' He nodded.

‘Mad as a box of frogs!' Matthew added.

‘I like a bit of mad.'

‘Bloody good job, cos she's got it in bucket loads!' Matthew laughed.

Topaz laughed too. ‘I'm not cut out to do an office job. I tried it for a couple of years, but putting a suit on every day, the commute, the stress… I felt strangled. I figured there had to be a better way to live and I found it.'

‘So, what, you just woke up one day and felt the need to put on your MC Hammer pants?'

‘No, not exactly.' Topaz smiled, refusing to rise to the jibe. ‘I was working in my father's insurance practice. It felt like I was sinking a bit lower every day, day after day, until I no longer recognised myself. I lost my spark. Then one day I just stood up from the desk, pulled off my tie, resolved never to wear one again and got on a plane to India.'

‘What did your dad say?'

‘Nothing. He didn't talk to me for a year or so, which was horrible, but he carried on paying me as though I was still working for him, which answers your first question.'

‘Ah, a trustafarian, you lucky bastard!' Matthew winked in envy.

‘I had no plan, but I met some amazing people who took me on a spiritual journey. I discovered that my happiness doesn't lie in things and that being at peace, internal peace, is the most wonderful way to live. I travelled for a few years and the most valuable thing I learnt was to stay in the now and make the most of every second.'

‘You see, that sounds like total and utter bollocks to me,' Matthew said.

Topaz stopped washing up and stood facing Matthew, willing him to look him in the eye. He placed his hands on his hips and stared at his doubter. ‘The difference between you and me, Matt, is that I am willing to listen to other people's ideas, beliefs and experiences. I will then consider them and make up my own mind based on the facts presented to me. Whereas you seem to dismiss my ideas based on nothing more than the length of my hair! Who do you think would make the better lawyer?'

The two men stood facing each other, one resplendent in his pink rubber gloves and the other trying to muster some professional dignity. Matthew laughed first, a real deep belly-laugh that within seconds brought tears to his eyes. Topaz dissolved immediately after, and both men leant heavily on the work surfaces, trying to regain some composure. Matthew pulled the warmed tea towel from the oven door.

Topaz grinned. ‘But you're on the biggest journey of all. Babies are an adventure in themselves, they eradicate the normal. Personally, I can't wait.'

Matthew nodded as he reached for the pan on the drainer. ‘Yes, it's an adventure all right. My boss told me a while ago that all women turn into fruitcakes once they've had babies and I thought he was joking. But things have been…' He considered his words, not wanting to be disloyal, not wanting anything to get back to Polly and not wanting to confess that earlier in the day, whilst chatting to Lilly as he cleaned the kitchen, his hand had happened upon a square, shallow box at the back of the cupboard under the sink. He'd pulled it out and removed it from the anonymous plastic wrap in which it sat. There was a picture of a baby on the front of the box. The words had caused his heart to skip a beat: ‘Maternity DNA Kit' he read out loud. ‘This test will prove the biological relationship between mother and child. Results can be with you in three to five days!' Matthew had looked at his little girl, who lay on her stomach on a quilt, lifting her head and gurgling with happiness. He had thrown the box into the bin with more force than was necessary, before gripping the counter top and breathing deeply to control his anger.