Mother For His Children, A (7 page)

“Ja,”
Annie said. She regarded Ruthy thoughtfully, as if seeing her for the first time. “
Ja,
she may be just what Levi needs.”

“Now don't start getting any ideas. I'm not going to get married.”

“You're too young to settle for being a
maidle,
” Ellie said.

“I just don't plan to get married.” Ruthy bit her lip. God had made that clear when Elam picked Laurette over her.

She was relieved when Ellie's and Annie's husbands chose that moment to gather their families for the trip home. She wasn't ready to explain her reasons yet, and wasn't sure if she ever would be.

* * *

Ruthy shivered as the family got out of the buggy when they reached the farm later that afternoon. The wind had turned to the northwest and it had a bite. She hurried into the house with the children and Levi, while the older boys took the horse and buggy to the barn. Once in the shelter of the back porch she was part of the friendly jostling as the children removed their coats and boots.

“
Dat,
can we make popcorn?” James asked.

“Popcorn sounds
wonderful-gut!
” said Nancy.

Ruthy waited until she saw Levi Zook's nod, and then said, “I'll make the popcorn, James, if you'll go into the
Dawdi Haus
and start a fire in the stove for me.”

Sam took her hand as they went into the kitchen together. “Don't go to the
Dawdi Haus
yet. Stay with us.
Dat
always reads to us on Sunday afternoon, and you can sit with me.”

Ruthy glanced at Levi. He had avoided meeting her eye during the trip home from the Stoltzfuses', and hadn't joined in any conversations. She didn't want to intrude on the family's routine if he was uncomfortable with it.

Sam saw her glance and turned to Levi. “Please,
Dat,
Ruthy can stay with us, can't she?”

Levi didn't look her way as he gave his son a brief nod. “She can stay if she wants to.”

“You want to, don't you, Ruthy?”

She looked down into the little boy's face. “
Ja,
sure. I'll make popcorn first, and then I'll be in.”

Martha had already gotten a heavy pan onto the stove and was building up the fire. Ruthy went down the chilly hall to the
Dawdi Haus
and changed into her everyday apron.

An afternoon with the family would be fun. At home, the folks would be doing almost the same, sitting together in the front room. Sometimes they read together, but most often they sat and visited with whomever came by. She checked her
kapp
before going back to the kitchen and the warmth of the main house.

“Does Waneta often stay for the Singing?” Ruthy salted the fresh batch of popcorn Martha dumped into the clean dishpan.

“She went once or twice last summer, but no boy asked to bring her home.” Martha started another batch of popcorn. “I don't know what made her decide to stay today.”

If Martha hadn't seen Waneta and Reuben talking together after church, Ruthy wasn't going to be the one to spoil the surprise.

“Maybe she heard someone special is going to be there.”

“You could have stayed with Elias and Waneta, couldn't you?” Martha looked at her. “I mean, you're still young enough, right?”

Ruthy swallowed. Go to the Singing?
Ne,
she couldn't.

“I'd rather spend the afternoon here.” She salted the popcorn again. “I enjoy the rest.”

Nathan and James stomped their feet on the back porch floor as they came in, adding to the happy confusion of voices drifting into the kitchen from the front room. At home the house was quieter, with only Ruthy and her parents there, but in the Zook household noise abounded.

Ruthy smiled as she stirred melted butter into the popcorn. She liked it. She had always enjoyed visiting her cousins' large family when she was growing up—something was always happening, and it seemed that no one was ever wanting for company there. The spoon in her hand slowed, and then came to a stop. She and Elam had talked of having a large family, but now those dreams were dead. All of her dreams had died with Elam's betrayal.

She shook her head, dispelling the thought.

“Here's the cider,” Martha said as David brought the jug up from the cellar. “I'll take it into the front room and send Nancy and Nellie back for the cups.”

“
Denki,
Martha,” Ruthy said, dumping the last pan of popcorn into the dishpan. “We'll bring the popcorn in right away.”

She followed Martha into the front room, where the children were gathered in a circle on the floor and Levi sat in a chair near the stove with his feet on a stool.

“Ruthy, you sit here.” Sam patted the chair facing Levi's on the other side of the stove.

She hesitated, seeing a scowl on Nathan's face.

“
Ne
, Sam,” he said, “that's
Mam's
chair.”

“Nathan, your
mam
doesn't need it anymore.” Levi's voice was quiet, but everyone in the room fell silent when he spoke.

Ruthy looked from Nathan's defiant face to Levi's sad one. She wasn't the only one who had lost dreams. The children's mother hadn't been gone long, and it wasn't her intention to take the woman's place.

“I'd rather sit on the floor. I can reach the popcorn better if I do.”

Sam snuggled up to her as she settled on the floor between him and Nellie. The little girl leaned toward her and Ruthy put her arm around her shoulders.
Ach,
what a family. The little ones missed their mother's touch, but the big ones didn't need cuddling anymore. She would need to remember to tread lightly around their feelings.

Martha handed her a cup of cider and she settled in to listen as Levi opened the
Martyrs Mirror,
the story of the persecution of Christians in centuries past. When he didn't start reading right away, she glanced at him. He was watching her with a look she couldn't fathom. Was he beginning to resent her presence the way Nathan did? Is that why he was so quiet on the way home from church?

When their eyes met, Ruthy quickly looked away, reaching for the big bowl of popcorn. As Levi started reading the story of the martyrdom of Ignatius, she found herself caught up in the familiar tale as if she had never heard it before. He instilled life into the ancient words, elaborating on the simple text until she felt as if she were standing in the Roman amphitheater with the brave bishop, the roars of hungry lions ringing in her ears.

Nellie shivered and Ruthy pulled the girl closer, laying her cheek on top of her starched white head covering. Glancing at Sam, she nearly laughed at the rapt expression on his face.

Levi mimicked the lion's roars as he neared the end of the story, and then his voice rang out with Ignatius's final words. She watched him, captivated by the changing expressions on his face as he told the story. He was a wonderful father to teach his children in this way.

He finished with a cacophony of lion roars as the poor priest was devoured at the end, and then was abruptly silent.

“Dat,”
asked Jesse from his spot on the other side of Sam. “What happened next?”

Levi looked around the circle, his gaze halting when he reached Ruthy. She felt her face growing red, until he finally finished the story.

“Ignatius fell asleep, happy in the Lord, a faithful martyr of Jesus Christ.”

Nancy put her hand on Levi's knee. “That's where our
mam
is,
nicht wahr?
She's with Jesus?”

Levi's eyes filled with tears, and he looked away from Ruthy.
“Ja.”
His voice was husky and he cleared his throat as he covered Nancy's hand with his own. “
Ja.
Your
mam
is happy with her Lord, just as the Bible tells us.”

Ruthy's own eyes filled with tears as Nancy laid her head against her
daed's
knee. Beside her, Nellie sniffed. Pulling her handkerchief from her sleeve, Ruthy gave it to Nellie.

Levi cleared his throat and reached for the empty dishpan. “Are we out of popcorn already?”

Ruthy took the pan as she stood. “I'll make some more.”

She put a smile on her face, but Levi wasn't looking at her. She fled to the kitchen, happy to leave the family alone. Why had she let herself be talked into joining them this afternoon? She would have done better to stay in her own rooms and take a nap.

As she measured popcorn into the heavy kettle, she felt small arms encircling her waist. It was Nellie.

“What is it?” Ruthy knelt down to look into the little girl's face.

“I just wanted to tell you I'm glad you came to live with us.” Nellie sniffed again as she gave Ruthy's handkerchief back to her. “
Dat
used to get so sad.”

“He seems pretty sad right now.” Ruthy pushed a stray hair under Nellie's
kapp.

“But he doesn't stay sad anymore. He said he'll read a happy story from the Bible next, as soon as the popcorn is done.”

Ruthy smiled at Nellie, even as her eyes filled again. “Then we'd better make the popcorn,
ja?
”

Nellie nodded and ran back to the living room, where Ruthy could hear an animated conversation starting. Perhaps she did belong here after all.

 

Chapter Seven

T
he storm in the early part of the week had blown itself out by Wednesday, but Friday brought a frigid wind from the northwest and the promise of more snow. Ruthy shivered as she dressed for the day. Even though she stood as close to her little woodstove as she dared, the air in the
Dawdi Haus
was icy.

She opened the stove door and pushed the coals together, covering them with a blanket of ashes. They might last until evening, otherwise she would have to lay a whole new fire.

One last glance around the room showed that all was in order, and she picked up the lamp for the short walk to the main house kitchen. The room was warm, thanks to the fire already burning in the kitchen stove. It was thoughtful of Levi Zook to start the fire for her each morning.

After pumping water into the coffeepot and measuring enough coffee grounds, Ruthy started working with the sourdough. She'd make pancakes this morning instead of biscuits. That would be a treat on such a cold day.

By the time the family was sitting at table, Ruthy and Waneta had breakfast ready. After the prayer, she cleared her throat to get Levi Zook's attention.

“What is it?” He looked at her from the other end of the long table, before turning his attention to filling his plate again before she could speak.

“Today is marketing day, Levi Zook. Could Waneta and I take the buggy to the store?”

He shook his head as he poured tomato ketchup onto his eggs. “It's too cold today. I don't want the horses going anywhere, nor you and Waneta. The thermometer says three below this morning and the barometer is falling.”

David whooped and James said, “You mean no school today?”

“That's right.” Levi Zook nodded and took a bite of eggs. “I doubt the school bus will be running, so you boys can help Elias work in the barn today.”

Ruthy swiftly went through the items on her marketing list. She could make do without them until tomorrow.

“Could Waneta and I use the buggy tomorrow, then?”

“There is a storm coming. I doubt we'll be going anywhere for the next few days. It's a good thing this is an off Sunday for church.” Levi Zook took a swallow of coffee, then looked at Ruthy over the rim of his cup. “Is there something special you need?”

Something special? “Not really. I was going to get some more wool to make stockings, and I wanted to get a few groceries.”

“
Ja,
well then, you'll have to make do with what we already have.”

Ruthy nodded, trying to hide her disappointment. She had been hoping to see what the store was like, and maybe meet some of their neighbors. She had forgotten this was an off Sunday for church, and she had been looking forward to the fellowship.

Breakfast cleared up quickly with the scholars at home to help. Ruthy put the girls to work on the upstairs bedrooms, Martha with Nancy and Waneta with Nellie. Working in pairs, the little girls would be good helpers to their sisters.

Ruthy started a pot of chili soup for dinner, knowing the family would need hot food on such a cold day. As she opened the jars of stewed tomatoes and kidney beans, she went through her mental list of pending chores. This would be a good day to go through the children's clothes and see what needed to be passed down and who needed new things made.

The rest of the morning was spent going through the girls' dresses. Martha's skirts were all too short, so they were handed down to Nellie and Nancy. Ruthy showed Waneta and Martha how to take in the side and shoulder seams so the dresses would fit the smaller girls.

“Nellie has the brown dress, and I have the green one for school,” said Nancy, “but what about a for-good dress?”

“We'll have to make new ones for you, but I don't know where we'll find the material.” Ruthy tried not to sound concerned as she pinned the hem of Nancy's new dress. The little girl stood on a stool, modeling the dress as Ruthy turned up the hem to fit her.

Martha smoothed the front of Waneta's blue dress that fit her perfectly. “I think
Mam
had some fabric up in the attic. She bought it before...”

Ruthy's eyes filled with tears as the girl choked on the words she couldn't say. “Thank you, Martha. We can look for it together,
ja?
”

“Where is Waneta's new dress?” Nellie crawled up on Martha's bed next to her biggest sister. “She's giving hers to Martha, but who will give one to her?”

“Perhaps we can make one from the material your
mam
saved, if we can find it.”

“Or there are
Mam's
dresses.” Nancy twisted to look at Ruthy, pulling the hem of the dress out of her hands. “I know where they are.”

Nancy jumped off the stool before Ruthy could stop her and ran out of the room. She followed Nancy down the staircase and around the corner to Levi Zook's bedroom. Ruthy stopped at the doorway.

“Nancy, what are you doing?” Waneta's voice came from behind her, and Ruthy stepped aside to let her pass.

“I saw them, in here.” The little girl knelt next to a chest at the foot of Levi's bed and lifted the lid.

Before Ruthy realized what was happening, all four girls were staring at the dresses lying on the top of the contents of the chest.

“It...it smells like
Memmi
.” Nellie's voice was soft. She knelt down next to Nancy and reached out a hand to touch the charcoal-gray dress, folded neatly with the apron and
kapp
on top of it.

Ruthy hesitated in the doorway. She had never been in Levi Zook's bedroom. Stepping in the room would be intruding on the man's personal territory, but the girls had to be stopped before they went any further.

“Girls, close the lid and come out. We mustn't disturb your
daed's
things.”

“I remember this dress.” Martha's voice was a whisper. “
Mam
wore it when we went to church.”

“I had almost forgotten what she looked like.” Waneta lifted her eyes to Ruthy. “But I remember her wearing this dress.”

“What dress?” Levi Zook's voice came from behind Ruthy, from the front room. “What are you doing?”

Ruthy twirled around, filling the doorway to his room. Would the girls close the lid before Levi Zook saw what they had been looking at? It tore her heart in two to see Nellie caressing her
mam's
kapp
and the girls' tear-filled eyes. What would it do to their father?

He didn't look at her as he brushed past.

“I'm sorry. I didn't know what Nancy was doing when she came down here....”

“Waneta, girls, close that chest and leave. Now.” His voice was quiet, but firm.

The girls obeyed, silently filing past Ruthy.

Levi Zook stood and leaned with one hand on the post of his bed, staring at the chest on the floor. Ruthy turned to leave him alone with his thoughts, but his strained voice stopped her.

“Wait.”

She looked back. He sat heavily on the bed, his head in his hands.

“What made them come in here? What were they looking for?”

Ruthy cast back. What was it that had brought Nancy in here?

“We were passing dresses down to the younger girls, and there wasn't one for Waneta. Then Nancy said she knew where her mother's dresses were....”

Rising, he crossed the room to the door, his face red and twisted. “Just go.” His eyes darted past her and then to the floor. “Just go. I need to be alone.”

Ruthy stepped back as he shut the door in her face. Why hadn't she stopped Nancy before the girls opened the chest?

A sudden bang on the wooden door made her flee to the kitchen.

* * *

Levi kicked the twisted rag rug to the side with a growl and slammed his hand against the door. Why had the girls come in here? Why had Ruth let them? Did she have no control over herself?

Ach,
he knew better than that. She hadn't even been in his room—only in the hall outside the door. The girls had been the ones to intrude, but he had never forbidden them to come in.

Sinking onto his knees next to the chest that held Salome's things, he laid his hand on the lid, the lid that hadn't been opened since the day she had died.

Until today. He rubbed one hand over his face, but the memory of his daughters' tearful faces remained. Opening this chest had been like opening a Pandora's box, releasing grief and sadness into the house all over again.

Was it wrong to save Salome's dresses and the few things he had found in her dresser drawers? He couldn't bear to just dispose of them as if she had never lived, had never been his wife, had never been the mother to his children.

He smoothed the top of the chest before lifting it. Salome's Sunday dress,
kapp
and apron lay on top. Underneath were her everyday dresses, and beneath them were her diary, letters from the round robin she had belonged to from the time she was Nancy and Nellie's age and a little faded dress—the first she had sewn for her doll when she was a child.

The sum of a woman's life in a little box.

All his anger evaporated and he closed the chest. Salome was gone and he missed her, but it was time to go on. It was what she had wanted, and what he intended to do. His children needed him.

He rose and walked to the window. Gray clouds met the horizon in an indistinct line of blowing snow. Through the fencerow he could see Salome's childhood home, sold now to
Englischers
since her parents were gone and her brothers had all moved west to Kansas. He had spent so many hours there as a child, playing with Salome's brothers, and then later while he and Salome were courting. Until she passed away last year, there hadn't been a day of his life that she hadn't been a part of.

He missed her. He missed her companionship, her laugh and her love for their children, but he wouldn't want to call her back from the blessed place where she was now. He hadn't realized how sick she had been. Since before Sam was born she had been wasting away, but he had blamed it on a difficult pregnancy, and then she had trouble recovering, until he finally had to admit her illness was more than a passing weakness. She faded away gradually, slowly, without realizing he was losing her until it was too late. She had suffered greatly in those last months while rounds of doctor visits and medicines had been useless. He would never wish that time back again.

Levi took in the room around him. He had kept his clothes on one peg, in one half of the dresser. He slept on one side of the bed. The room was waiting for another wife, another mother for his children. Would he ever find someone who could step into Salome's place?

* * *

The girls stood in the kitchen, their faces white and drawn.

“Is
Dat
all right?” Waneta asked as Ruthy came into the room.

Was he all right? She had never seen a man look as wretched as Levi Zook when he slammed the door in her face.

“He will be.” Ruthy tried to smile to reassure the girls, but they only exchanged glances with each other.

Ruthy looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. “It's nearly noon. The chili soup is done, so why don't you girls set the table. Waneta, we can have bread with the soup, and Martha, if you would please bring up a jar of prune plums from down cellar, we can have a nice hot dinner.”

Her face burned as the girls started their tasks and Ruthy hurried through the kitchen to the
Dawdi Haus
. Her rooms were cold, but silent and empty. She threw herself onto her bed and let the tears flow.

Why had she let the girls go into his room? They had intruded into Levi Zook's bedroom, pried into his belongings and disturbed his peace. He had every right to be angry with her, didn't he? But she had never seen a man act as Levi Zook had. Was this what grief brought a man to?

Ruthy's tears slowed as she considered his point of view. She was still a stranger, and yet she was watching his girls pry into his dead wife's things. She should have stopped them, she should have taken them away as soon as she saw what was inside the chest.

And yet, shouldn't the girls have reminders of their mother?

She rose from her bed, hurriedly splashing water to wash away the blotchy redness she knew the family would see when she went back to the kitchen. Drying her hands and face on the towel, she shivered. It certainly seemed colder than it had been this morning.

A knock sounded on the
Dawdi Haus
door as she adjusted the pinnings on her dress. The girls must need her help.

“
Ja,
I'm coming.” She opened the door while holding her skirt in place with one hand, pins in her mouth and
kapp
askew, but instead of one of the girls, Levi Zook stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets.

She hurriedly fastened the last of the pins into her waistband and straightened her
kapp
the best she could while he watched.

“I'm sorry to disturb you, but I wanted to talk to you while the children were busy.”

“
Ja, ja, ja,
come in, please.”

The man looked huge and out of place in the little
Dawdi Haus.
He looked around the room as he stepped in.

“It's cold in here.”

“The fire is banked.” Her words sounded foolish. Why was he here?

“I need to apologize to you.” His face was tired, but all traces of his earlier anguish were gone.

“
Ach, ne,
Levi Zook. I'm the one who should apologize. I let the girls go much too far when they went into your room. It was unforgivable.”

He had moved to look at her books on the side table, but turned at her comment.

“Unforgivable? Nothing is unforgivable.”

Ruthy looked down and smoothed her skirt with her hands. “Some things are. Betrayal is unforgivable.” Her voice shook. She hadn't meant to say that aloud.