More Than a Mistress (13 page)

Sara found the packet and opened it, but instead of putting it on, she lowered her head and took him fully into her mouth.

Daniel swore. “Oh, Sara! God, that feels good.” He felt himself swelling so much, he wondered if he would burst out of his skin. He held her head still for a moment, because the pleasure was so intense, he felt the tension in every part of his body.

Sara slowly lifted her head. Her gaze was warm and intimate, but honest. That was one of the things he craved about her, her honest need for him. “I like the way you taste,” she whispered.

Daniel closed his eyes and shuddered. It took him a full minute to get a grip on his self-control, but every time he looked at her, he felt himself losing it all over again. “I want to be inside you, Sara,” he said in a low, rough voice. “As deep as I can get.”

She put the condom on a little too slowly for him, and in his desperate haste Daniel ripped her panties. He positioned her over his swollen masculinity, and inch by excruciating inch Sara took all of him inside her.

He shifted beneath her and watched her mouth form a lovely O of pleasure. Her broken gasp was the only music he'd ever need. Feeling himself stretch and throb, he wrapped his hands around her rear end to adjust her movement. Her undulations provided just enough friction to make his whole body tense for his release.

Daniel licked his dry mouth and stared into Sara's eyes. “You know what makes me weak for you?”

“What?” she asked in a husky voice. She lifted her hips and slid down his shaft again.

Daniel let out a hiss of breath between his teeth. Rocking beneath her, he watched her eyes turn hazy, the way they always did right before she climaxed. “The way you just can't seem—oh, God.” She robbed his voice and breath with her tiny internal clenches. He growled, fighting his completion. He was determined to tell her, to make her see that she would have this with no other man and he with no other woman. “The—way—” he swallowed, feeling the first steaming surge “—you can't resist me.” Wild and fierce, he crested and clung to her with all his strength and with his every secret hidden weakness.

 

Sara cuddled into his chest, a damp, limp puddle of spent femininity still intimately connected to him. Feeling a need to protect her and maintain their closeness, Daniel wrapped his arms around her. She trembled beneath his touch.

“Cold?” he asked, wondering why he always felt he'd been part of a cataclysmic explosion after he'd made love with Sara.

“Not really,” she murmured.

He scooped up a handful of hair. “Aftershocks?”

Sara let out a long sigh. “Probably.”

They huddled silently amid the scent of their lovemaking and the gradual slowing of their heartbeats. Then Sara tenderly kissed his throat and disentangled herself from him. Daniel was reluctant to release her, but he watched as she slid into the driver's seat and tried to put her clothes in some kind of order.

He did the same with his, and as the silence lengthened between them, he felt the return of his uneasiness.

Covering her hand with his, he tugged her closer. “I lied. I don't want this to be the last time.”

Her face clenched in pain, and she dropped her gaze from his. “I thought you didn't want to discuss this tonight.”

“It's nuts for us to be apart. You want me and I want you. It's more than sex, but God help me, Sara, I've never felt like I've gotten struck by lightning when making love except with you. And I know you feel the same way about me.”

Sara stiffened her resolve. After their incredible lovemaking she felt utterly exposed and defenseless. She felt a connection that ran true and deep. It was made more powerful by the fact that she carried his child. She would give Daniel anything. In her heart that was what she yearned to do, yet she knew she had to stand firm. It would be the most difficult thing she'd ever done. “Feelings aren't everything. There are other considerations.” She shook her head in frustration. “Besides, we always knew I wasn't right for you. I told you I didn't want to ruin another good man, and Daniel Pendleton, I damn well will
not
ruin your life.”

Daniel stared at her in complete confusion. “What in hell are you talking about?”

Sara expelled a harsh breath, and despite the protest from her heart she forced herself to click into another mode. Bracing herself, she forced herself to begin the goodbye. “Okay. You're always wanting to know my secrets. I told you about my husband, but I never told you what made him turn away from me, did I? I never told you that when I was eighteen, I became the mistress of a married senator in Minnesota.” She saw the look of disbelief in his eyes. “Oh, yes, I did. And, Daniel, I liked it. I liked the attention. I liked the expensive gifts. He liked teaching me about sex.” She paused and swallowed hard over the hard lump of regret in her throat. “And I liked learning.”

Daniel closed his eyes and turned his head. Sara could feel the beginning of his rejection of her. It hurt. Lord, it hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced, but she knew it was necessary. He needed to know, and Daniel was too decent not to feel complete repugnance for her when she finished.

“The senator had a very nice family. Two sons and a daughter. His wife was ill, so when he needed a woman, he came to me. The only problem was that the press found out.” Sara looked down, remembering the shock and pain again. “Can you guess what he did?”

Daniel said nothing, so she glanced up. “Go ahead, Daniel. Guess what he did.”

“I don't know,” he muttered quietly. “Did he dump you?”

How she
wished
he'd done that. How she
wished
the man had possessed the sense to dump her.

“He committed suicide, and everyone knew why. Everyone knew he had a mistress, and everyone knew my name. People in Tennessee tend to ignore Minnesota politics, so after a few years I thought I'd shed the bad press. But it always catches up with me. Always. Even if people don't learn by rumors, men seem to sense it. You did.”

He jerked his head up to stare at her.

“You knew what you wanted from me from the very beginning. You wanted a passionate affair with a wild woman. You wanted a mistress.”

“It's been more than that,” he said angrily. “And I never asked you to be my mistress.”

“I'm not going to argue semantics with you. You're missing the point. I agreed to see you on your terms. I—wanted you too.”

“If you think want is all there is to it, then you're not just wild, you're crazy. I—”

“No!” Sara sliced her hand through the air. She was terrified of hearing him talk about his feelings. There was no way she could finish this if he said the things she'd dreamed of hearing. “Don't you dare say that to me. Do you really think I can believe it now? You've had dozens of opportunities before. Why now?”

Sara turned her head away from him and stared straight out the windshield. She concentrated hard on holding back the dry sob that threatened to break her voice. “I'm getting into the passenger seat and I want you to take me home. You asked me for one last time, and I gave it to you. I gave you everything—” She squinted her eyes at the slight waiver in her own voice and drew in a shallow breath. “Everything I could give. If you won't drive me, I swear I'll walk.”

“Sara.”

Emotionally wrought, she begged God to make him stop. “Take me home.”

Around 3:00 a.m. Daniel figured out that he never should have taken Sara home. He was still sitting in his truck, remembering her face and smelling her scent. Her eyes had been so empty, it was as if she'd crawled into herself to hide from him; she'd been like brittle spun glass. Her movements had been jerky as she'd left the car. She hadn't looked at him, but she'd managed to whisper, “Goodbye.”

And Daniel had felt stunned and lost. His own motions, when he'd started his truck and driven home, had been automatic. His body performed the actions, but his mind was back at the lake with Sara.

He knew he should have told her how he felt about her earlier, but he'd never been good at discussing his feelings. And maybe, just maybe, he hadn't wanted to face how much she'd grown to mean to him. When he thought back over the last several weeks with her, he realized that once she'd let him into her life, she'd never turned him away, not even when he'd shown up uninvited during her vacation. She'd always been there to listen to him and make him feel good. For the most part he'd initiated every time they got together. It underscored her inference that she'd been his mistress.

That stuck in his craw. Had she been right?

“Hell, no,” he said out loud. If she'd called, he would have come in a New York minute.

He hit the steering wheel with his fist. A bitter pain throbbed in his chest. He hurt. It wasn't just a tingling little scrape. It was a monstrous, engulfing pain that seemed to take over his whole body. And it went deeper. It was almost as if his very soul were weeping. He didn't want to lose her. Sara had given him something he needed, some elusive, indescribable something that he'd learned to crave once he'd been around her. She was incredibly caring. When she gave herself, she held nothing back. He wondered if she realized how precious that was to him. Just being in her presence gave him a sense of peace he'd never had.

He slumped his head into the cradle of his hands. It would be time to get up and get to work in a couple of hours. Spring was just around the corner, and there was plenty to do. But Daniel just didn't have the stomach for it. Sara Kingston had slipped inside and taken his heart, and he didn't want his heart back. He wanted her.

Lifting his head, he took a deep breath. He'd shouldered many burdens in his life, but nothing had ever felt as heavy nor as cumbersome as the prospect of not having Sara to talk to or touch. There was too much left unsaid between them, too much he hadn't said. It was the challenge of a lifetime to find the right words. It would damn well probably take him the rest of the night. He felt his will harden like steel inside him.

By tomorrow morning, he decided, he was going to pay Sara a visit, and this time she would listen.

 

Sara turned the washcloth over and slapped it on her forehead again. She was clammy and weak from her first bout of morning sickness. She'd called Carly and told her she hoped to be in by lunchtime.

Lunch. She grimaced. At this point she never wanted to eat again. When Carly had asked about Daniel, Sara had given a vague reply. But he stayed in her mind. He didn't so much whisper through her thoughts as stomp, leaving ripples of vibration and every heart-jerking emotion known to womankind.

Sara ached for him, and for the first time she wondered if she carried his son. Another Pendleton heartbreaker with naughty violet eyes and the will of ten men. Heaven help her. She traded the image of Daniel's face full of disappointment with one of Daniel holding his son in his arms, full of adoration. It was sheer fantasy, but Sara needed anything but the truth this morning. Truth was the fact that she'd permanently severed her relationship with Daniel last night. Truth was that she'd destroyed any chances for a future with him. And the truth was that she felt more lost and more alone than she'd ever felt in her life.

She'd have to face up to the truth soon enough. For now she felt as if she were in mourning, but she needed a way to get through the day, and the fantasy of Daniel's smile provided the way.

Holding him close in her mind, she shut her eyes and drifted asleep until the sound of the doorbell woke her. Turning her head, she glanced at the clock and noticed it was nearly one. It was probably Carly checking on her.

Sara eased out of bed and was pleased to find her equilibrium restored. She didn't bother looking in the mirror. After the physical and emotional turmoil of the last twenty-four hours, she could imagine how she looked.

Pulling open the door, she lost her equilibrium all over again when she saw Daniel standing on her doorstep holding a bunch of violets. The sight of his big strong hand clenched around those fragile little flowers made her throat knot and tears spring to her eyes.

Daniel immediately looked alarmed. “It's not the violets. Tell me it's not the violets.”

Forcing her gaze away from the dainty flowers, Sara sniffed and blinked, determined not to cry. Why was he here? “I don't feel very well,” she managed, and took a deep breath. “I'm not up to talking.”

She started to close the door, but he caught it with his boot. “Tough.” Then he shoved it open and walked straight into her living room.

“You have a bad habit of coming into my house when you're not invited,” she said to his back.

He turned and met her gaze with frightening resolve. “Better get used to it.” He tossed the violets on the end table and unzipped his suede jacket.

Sara's heart took a plunge. Daniel's strength wasn't in his charm. It was in his tenacity. He didn't win by persuasion. He won by wearing the other person down, and right now Sara didn't think she had far to go before she hit rock bottom. “If I'm not in Beulah County, I won't have to get used to it.”

He lifted his eyebrows in surprise. Then he narrowed his eyes and, if possible, his look of determination increased. “Thinking of leaving, Sara?” he asked in an ominous voice.

“Yes. I'm thinking about it.” Her own voice was far more firm than her convictions were.

“I'll track you down.”

“I don't know why.”

“Because I love you.”

His words hit her with the impact of a steam engine. Sara sucked in a quick breath and shut her eyes. “I told you not to say that last night,” she said weakly. She felt his hand on hers.

“You told me lots of things last night. Now it's my turn to tell you.”

Panic tumbled through her stomach, making her nauseous. She shook her head and made herself look at him. “I don't want to hear it. Especially now. I really don't feel well.”

Daniel saw the desperation in her eyes. It gave him pause. She did look ill, pale and wan, with shadows beneath her lovely eyes. His mind automatically clicked to the possibility that Sara wasn't just temporarily ill. She could be seriously sick. Daniel's gut tightened in dread. He picked her up, and despite her protest he carried her to the sofa. “How sick are you?”

“Just a little.”

His jaw clenched. “Sara, how long have you known that you're sick?”

Sara stared at him. “What do you mean?”

He fought an avalanche of frustration. Getting information from her was harder than trying to till a straight row when he was blindfolded. Right now he felt as if he was wandering around in the dark without a clue, and he was ready to lose every bit of self-control he'd exhibited for the last thirty-three years of his life. “Have you been to a doctor? Are you seriously ill?”

Sara paused, and her gaze flitted away. “I've been to a doctor, and I'm not terminally ill, if that's what you're asking. I don't have a disease or anything like that.”

He felt a measure of relief, but was still unsatisfied with her response. She was hiding something, and he was getting close to finding out what it was. “When did you go to the doctor?”

“A couple of weeks ago. This really—”

“Why did you go?”

She glared at him. “To get birth control pills.”

His surprise made him hesitate a couple of seconds. “And did you?”

“I don't like being interrogated and I don't want to talk about this.” Sara tried to get out of his lap, but Daniel held her firmly.

He smiled grimly. “Tough. You wrapped me around your little finger, then threw me out like yesterday's garbage. Well, honey, let me tell you something. I think you feel a little bit more for me than you've let on, and I sure as hell know I feel more for you than I've ever told you. So until we get this settled to my satisfaction, I'm sticking to you like glue. If that means moving in, I'll do it.”

Sara paled. “You're crazy.”

“Then you're responsible for me being crazy. Did you get the pills?”

“No.” Sara shook her head. “Let me up.”

Intent on getting to the bottom of this, Daniel ignored her request. “Why didn't you?”

Sara's face grew tight with anger. “Let me up.”

“Answer my question,” he said with the persistence of a battering ram.

“No,” she repeated.

“You owe me an answer.”

Her eyes widened. “I owe you nothing!” she yelled. Struggling with a host of emotions, she pushed hard and stumbled from his lap. “I gave you everything I had.”

Daniel was silent less than a moment. “Not enough. Not forever,” he said softly. “And I want forever.”

Turning away, Sara crossed her arms over her chest. Her heart was pounding, her mind was reeling. This was what she'd wanted. This was what she'd secretly dreamed of. In dark, sleepless hours this was what she'd prayed for.

She almost wanted to tell him, to share the reality of her pregnancy with him. The mere thought of it made her sag with relief. The mere thought of it also made her tremble with terror. Sara opened her mouth, but no sound came out. To her utter shock she couldn't tell him. She'd programmed herself to complete silence about the baby and she couldn't seem to find the words. Desperate, she swept into the kitchen, with Daniel at her heels. She pulled out a stack of papers and thrust them into his hands. “There.”

He looked at her, his forehead wrinkled in confusion, then he glanced at the papers. “Adoption. Pros and cons.” He flipped to another page, and by the expression on his face, she could guess which one. He looked at her in amazement. “You're pregnant.”

Her heart twisted at the flat tone of his voice. Tears filled her eyes. “Yes. Isn't it thrilling?”

His gaze flicked over the papers again. “We always used protection.”

“Ever hear the story about the hole in the condom?” Sara's voice was shaky, but she was determined to get this out. “I guess one of yours slipped past quality control.”

Stunned, Daniel stared at her in a daze. He was so shocked, he couldn't see straight. “Pregnant?”

Sara swallowed hard. She felt relief and fear at the release of the secret. “Yes. If you look through the papers, you'll find a pro-and-con list for telling Daniel. The con side won. You said you wanted to know my secrets. Well, you can find out just about anything you want to know about the past few weeks if you read them.”

She felt worse than if she'd just taken off all her clothes in front of a crowd. Sara wanted to leave.

She didn't care where she went. She'd take her bedroom, the bathroom, a closet, a crack in the floor. All she knew was that she didn't want to stay there. She turned to leave, and Daniel came out of his fog and slipped his hand around her wrist.

“I don't want to read it, Sara. I want to hear it.”

She stared at his hand enclosing her narrow wrist. She felt so utterly fragile. Her heart constricted. “Oh, Daniel, please don't make me do this. I feel so weak, I'm afraid I'll cry. And I don't want to watch you be strong when you're really disappointed. I don't want you doing the right thing when you'd rather not. You've been burdened with major responsibilities your whole life. I don't want to add to them.”

“The only thing that's been a burden to me is figuring out how to ask you to marry me and get you to say yes.”

“See!” she wailed. “There you go, doing the right thing.”

Daniel swore. “What can I say to convince you? Give me the right words.” He lifted both her hands to his chest and tilted her chin so that she would meet his stormy gaze. “I love you. You've made me feel like life's a treat instead of a drag. You've made me forget every other woman on the planet. I've never been with anyone who made me want to make promises and keep them.” Daniel swore again. “You think I'm strong, but I'm not, Sara. Not when it comes to you. When it comes to you, I'm drowning in all these feelings I have for you.” He lowered his voice. “And I'm scared you're gonna leave me flat.

“Now, wasn't that romantic?” he said in a self-deprecating tone. He sighed heavily. “I'll protect you till my dying breath. I'll do everything I can to help make you happy. I'm in awe of you. Damn. I wrote all this stuff down last night, and it sounds like crap now. Help me out, Sara. I'm no good at love out loud.”

Sara blinked. His pulse pounded against her palms, and her heart squeezed so tight, she could barely breathe.
No good at love out loud?
She felt ready to faint. Sara swallowed. “I think,” she said in an unsteady voice, “you lost me after the part about making promises and keeping them.”

“Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?”

Sara looked down. “I was so afraid, Daniel. I'm still afraid. I don't want you to see me as another burden. You have enough as it is. From the very start it was different with you. I tried to keep a distance, and before I realized it, I'd fallen in love with you. And I don't mean a little crush. I mean through-good-and-bad, sickness-and-health kind of love. You'd made it clear that you wanted me for fun. Remember, I was supposed to be your wild, passionate affair?”

Her words were music to his ears. For the first time in thirteen days he felt a ray of hope. “Well, tell me something. If you love me and I love you, then why can't the wild, passionate affair go on forever? Why can't we add a couple of gold rings and promises I feel like I've already made to you and move in together?”