More Than a Kiss (21 page)

The Corndog

Edison
led Amy and Isabel up to her lab on the third floor.  As they entered the
space, Amy knew why Jordan hadn’t wanted her to see it.  It was a mélange of
every science fiction movie she had ever seen – makeshift tables, tubes, wires,
computer motherboards, tools, and diagrams taped to the walls.  There was even
a rolling chalkboard with algorithms scrawled all over it.  It was, without a
doubt, the lair of a mad scientist.

“Watch
where you walk,” Edison advised, high-stepping over one of several electrical
cords snaking across the floor.

“What
is this place?” Isabel asked, obviously impressed.

“My
lab.  I’m an inventor, you know.  That’s why they call me Edison.”

“What’s
your real name?” Isabel asked.

Edison
stopped rummaging through boxes and looked at her.  “You’ll laugh.”

“No,
I won’t.”

Edison
said softly, “Alma.”

“Hmmm…”
Isabel intoned.  “Edison fits you better.”

“I
know, right.”  Edison turned and went back to rummaging.

Amy
took that opportunity to swat Isabel in the arm.  Isabel mouthed silently, “Why’d
you do that?”  Amy mouthed back, “Are you flirting with her?”  Isabel shrugged
and mouthed, “What’s it to you?”  Amy rolled her eyes.

“Now
where did I put those binoculars?” Edison asked herself.

Isabel
picked her way around the room, staring at objects, tilting her head this way
and that, oohing and ahhing.  Suddenly, she stopped, her mouth dropped open and
she pointed a finger at a set of cylindrical objects displayed on a shelf.  “Is
that a Corndog?” she gasped.

Edison
turned.  “Sure is,” she said proudly.

“Oh
my God,” Isabel intoned.  She took her time looking at the rest of the
objects.  “And that’s a Plunger!  And a Muffin Mucker!”

“I
invented those,” Edison said, puffing out her chest.

“You’re
kidding me,” Isabel said.  She was obviously in awe.  Or maybe in lust.  Either
way, her face was red and her breath came in excited pants.

Amy
interrupted, “Are those what I think they are?”

Isabel
nodded.  “They’re only the best dildos in the entire history of dildos.”

“Wow,”
Amy said because she wasn’t sure how a person was supposed to respond to such
news.  “The only time I’ve ever seen a dildo up close and personal was when I
interned in the emergency room and had to remove it from a man’s anal cavity
when his sphincter muscles seized up.”

“How’d
you get it out?” Edison asked, ever curious about such things.

“I
tickled him,” Amy said.  “He laughed and it shot out his butt.”

“Genius,”
Edison said.

“Thank
you.”

“Okay,”
Edison said, clapping her hands in a “let’s get back to work” manner.  She
looked at Amy, “What kind of building does Chad live in?  Is it a house,
apartment, condo?  Is it on the first floor or second floor and does it have an
alley or parking lot or both?”

“He
lives in second story apartment building and there’s a small parking lot and an
alley.  I think.”

“You
think?”

 “I
was drunk and then unconscious, remember?”

“Okay,”
Edison said.  She pulled stuff out and tossed it on the bed, saying, “I’ll need
this and this and this…”

“What
can I do?” Isabel asked.

 “Go
look in those tubs over there and find some black clothes that fit the both of
you.  I have all sizes and there should be a spray bottle of Febreeze to
freshen them up a bit,” Edison said, as she rooted around in one of the plastic
bins located on a shelving unit filled with tons of other plastic bins.

Amy and Isabel dug through the tubs.  Amy felt like
her mother dumpster diving.  Maybe this was how she got her start.

The tubs held not only black clothing but theatrical
props as well.  There were beards and hats and sunglasses and a Sarah Palin
mask that scared her so bad when she pulled it out that she almost screamed.

They found a black cape for Amy and a black hoodie
and commando pants for Isabel.  Amy tried on the cape, spinning and whooshing
it through the air.  It made her feel like Lord Byron going on a romantic
mission to clear her name and reclaim her lover.  And when she held it over her
head it made her feel invisible like Harry Potter when he was in sneaky-pants
mode.

Edison
popped up from her desk with a remote control helicopter to which she was
attaching what appeared to be a set of binoculars with duct tape.

“What
is that?” Amy said.

“It’s
my remote recording binoculars with aerial capabilities.”

“That’s
what I thought it was,” Isabel said smugly.

Amy
rolled her eyes at Isabel.  Does flirting have no limits?  “I don’t get it,”
Amy said.  “Are you going to fly the toy helicopter to spy on him like through
a window or something?”

“Bingo!”
Edison said.  “And if that doesn’t work we can always break in.”

“What!”
Amy said, recoiling.

“Only
as a last resort,” Edison assured her.

“I
don’t really understand what we’re looking for,” Amy said.

“We
want to know how Chad ticks.  He’s got psycho-stalker written all over him. 
Let’s check out his digs and see what we can find.  We get some proof that he’s
a wacko and Jordan will believe your story.  Because without any proof she’s
still going to think you played her no matter what you say,” Edison said.

Amy
groaned.  She knew Edison was right.

“Okay,
put your big girl panties on and let’s get a move on,” Edison said.

They
loaded the helicopter with its attached binocular load and a scope thing and a
box of sci-fi what-nots, as Amy thought of them, and an enormous toolbox into
Edison’s VW bug.  Amy rode in the back seat because Isabel had called shotgun. 
“Why don’t we put some of this in the trunk?” Amy asked as she sat on something
hard, rubbery and pokey.  It turned out that sitting on it wasn’t near as much
fun as it sounded.

“Trunk’s
full.”

Amy
figured as much.

“Okay
what’s his address?” Edison said.

Amy
wasn’t exactly sure.  “I know it was on the corner of Pine Street and another
tree name street.”

Edison
and Isabel stared at her like she was a hopeless excuse for a spy.  Which of
course, she was.  Amy shrugged apologetically.  “All trees look alike to me.”

Edison
harrumphed and then pulled out a super small computer looking thing.  “What’s
his full name?”

Amy
did know that at least.  “Chad Earl Dorring.”

Edison
and Isabel made yucky faces.  Edison plugged the name in and immediately was
rewarded with a phone number.  Amy didn’t know if it was his or not.  “You
really don’t hang out with this guy do you?” Edison said.

“I
already told you that.”

“Has
he ever called you?”

“About
a zillion times.”

Edison
held out her hand and did the ‘gimme’ motion.  Amy handed over her cell phone.

Edison
found his number easily and punched it into her little computer.  It beeped
back an address on Pine Street.

“I
could’ve just called the hospital and asked one of the twins,” Amy said.

“No,
we don’t want to leave any sort of evidence trail,” Edison said.  She started
the car and burned rubber out of the driveway and onto the street.  Isabel
looked delighted at Edison’s driving technique.  They really are soul mates,
Amy thought.

Mission Chad

They
pulled up to a two-story apartment house that, according to the mailboxes,
contained eight units.  Edison pulled into the parking lot where three other
cars were parked.  “Are any of these cars his?” she asked.

Amy
did remember his car but only because he talked about it all the time.  He had
even named the car like it was his firstborn.  He would say, “I took Beemer up
to Mt. Hood,” or “I took Beemer to the coast,” or “I took Beemer downtown but I
didn’t want to park it anywhere in case it got scratched.”  Ugh, Amy hated
Beemer.  She told Edison, “All I know is that it’s black and it has the shiny gold
hub-cabs.  He named it Beemer.”

“Ah,
well it’s not here.  And Beemer is slang for a BMW which is a German car and
very uber-yuppie and they’re called rims not hubcaps,” Edison explained.  She
glanced over at Amy.  “When we get this all cleared up I’m going to insist
Jordan take you out more.  Where have you been living?  In a cave?”

“Med
school mostly,” Amy said.

“It
sounds like you were in prison,” Edison said.  She studied the building.  “Do
you remember the apartment number?”

Amy
looked out the window.  “Nope.”

“I’ll
be right back,” Edison said, getting out of the car.

“Where
are you going?” Isabel asked.

“To
read the names on the mail boxes.”

“Be
careful,” Isabel said like she was saying her last goodbye to a soldier headed
off to war.

“This
will just take a minute and don’t play with any of my stuff.”  She chucked
Isabel under the chin and strode away.

Once
they were alone, Amy asked the question that had been burning at her brain for
the past half hour.  “How did you know all about the Corndog and the Plunger?”

“Hey,”
Isabel said, shrugging, “Girls just want to have fun.”

“You’re
really into her, aren’t you?”

Isabel
stared dreamily in Edison’s direction.  “I can’t help it.  Just look at her.”

Amy
looked.  All she saw was a girl who could have been the anthropomorphic version
of Thelma from
Scooby Doo
.  Without the skirt and knee socks. 
“Different strokes,” she thought.

Edison
jogged back to the car and got in.  “Apartment number six.”  She pressed a
hidden button on the dash.  There was a whirring sound as a previously hidden
moon roof slowly slid open.

“Ooooh,”
Isabel intoned like she was watching the Bat Cave open.

“Okay,
now had me that scope,” Edison said to Amy.

Among
the jumble of mechanical items, Amy had no clue what was a scope and what
wasn’t.

“That
long tube looking thing,” Edison prompted.

Amy
handed it to her.  Edison aimed it toward the moon roof and telescoped out
until it rose over twenty feet high.  She adjusted the swivel head back and
forth with knobs until the scope’s line of sight was looking directly into
Chad’s apartment.  Peering through the end with one eye squinted, Edison said,
“Lights are off.  Nobody appears to be home.”

Amy
resisted saying, “You could’ve just knocked on the door and found out that
much.”

Edison
reeled in the scope and stored it.  “Now for step two.”

Edison
hopped out of the car, quickly picked up a chunk of broken concrete, took aim
and heaved it at the window.  Glass shattered inward.  Edison jumped back into
the car, yelling, “Duck!”  They all three crouched down out of sight below the
car windows.

“I
can’t believe you did that,” Amy whispered like somebody could overhear.  “You
committed a crime.  That’s breaking and entering.”

“Technically
we haven’t entered.” Edison said.

“It’s
only breaking,” Isabel said and giggled.  Edison giggled along with her.

Edison
peeked over the dash.  “All clear.”  She sat up.  “Next step.”

“There’s
another step?” Amy said.

“Of
course.  Why do you think we brought the helicopter?” Edison said.

“You’re
not serious,” Amy said.

“You’re
going to fly it into Chad’s apartment?” Isabel said like an excited little kid.

“Bingo.”

That
word was beginning to make Amy nervous.

“Is
that even possible?” Isabel said.

“With
the right equipment and skills it is,” Edison said.  “And I happen to have
plenty of both.”

Edison
got out of the car, opened the passenger back door and gently extracted the
helicopter.  She placed it on the hood of the car with its nose pointed toward
the apartment building.

Next,
Edison got back in the car and pulled a remote control out of her pocket.  It
looked as innocuous as a PlayStation remote control, except it had a small
screen attached to it.  Edison punched a big red button on the remote.  The
helicopter buzzed to life.  The blades began to spin, faster and faster, until
it lifted into the air.  Using a thumb toggle to guide the helicopter and the
viewing screen to see where it was going, Edison guided the helicopter to the
broken window.  It hovered a moment before the window and then easily slipped
inside the apartment.

Edison
punched another button on the remote and a red light came on.  “We’re in and
recording,” she said.

Amy
looked over Edison’s shoulder and peered at the screen. “Why does it look green
like that?”

“Night
vision scope because all the lights are off,” Edison answered.

Amy
stared at the green screen, but couldn’t make out anything other than big dark
shapes she took to be furniture. “I can’t see much,” she said.

“I
can enhance it when we get back home.  I just need the initial information. 
Okay, one more loop then we’re out of here.”

Edison
made a last swoop around the apartment and then with the finesse of a heart
surgeon maneuvered the helicopter out of the window and landed it back of the
roof of the car.  The entire procedure took less than five minutes.

“Wow,
that was impressive,” Isabel said.  She leaned back in her seat and fanned her
face.  She was flushed and a sheen of sweat had formed on her upper lip and
forehead.  Amy recognized the symptoms.  Isabel was either pre-heart attack or
post-orgasmic.  Amy hoped it was the latter.

Edison
quickly stowed the helicopter.  When she got back in the car, she leaned over
and whispered something in Isabel’s ear.  Amy would have thought nothing of it
except that Isabel nervously looked at Amy then sat stiffly in her seat facing
forward.

“What’s
going on?” Amy said.  “What did she whisper to you?

“Oh,
you know…” Isabel said.  “Sweet nothings.”

Edison
started the car and backed out of the lot.

“She
did not,” Amy said.  “She saw something in there you’re hiding from me.”

Neither
Isabel nor Edison said a word.  “So what did you see?” Amy asked.  “Did you see
something important, anything that will absolve me in Jordan’s eyes?”

Edison
drove in silence.  Her jaw clenched and unclenched.

Amy
wrung her hands.  “Edison?” she said, “Did you see something bad?  Something
you’re afraid will upset me?”

“Let’s
just say I think that Isabel and I should preview the tape first.”

“Why?”

“Let’s
just say there is an unusual theme going on and I’d like Isabel’s take on it. 
Will you trust us to do what’s best for you?”

Amy
looked out the window.  It had started to drizzle and the streetlights looked
blurry.  Wasn’t there a saying, “April showers bring May flowers?”  Well, it
was almost June.  It had no right to be raining.  It was like the weather was
mocking her dilemma.  Feeling blue?  I will make it rain for you.  She pondered
her predicament.  “How bad is so bad you don’t want me to see it?”

More
silence, then, “Will you please let me do it my way?”

Amy
started to argue then hesitated.  Did she really want to know what a creepy guy
Chad was?  Did she really want to examine the psyche of a man she’d gone to bed
with and find out that he was truly a nut-job?  Did love do this to him or was
he already crazy?  Did love make an otherwise sane person crazy?  Maybe she
should steer clear of the whole thing?  What was she going to do if Jordan did
dump her?  Was she going to go all wacko-stalker-psycho on her?

They
drove in silence.  They went through three green lights and still there was
more silence.  Amy couldn’t contain herself any longer.  “How bad was it?  Bad
like there’s small animals crucified on his bedposts bad?” Amy asked.

“No. 
Not that bad,” Edison said, brightly.

“That’s
good to know,” Amy said.  Of course, a moment later she realized it was both
good and bad.  It was good in the sense that Chad hadn’t resorted to mutilating
and sacrificing small animals.  It was bad in the sense that he might not have
hit bottom yet.  His mutilating days could still be in front of him.  “Yippee,”
Amy thought, tiredly.  “Yip-fuckin-eee.”