Moonlight: The Big Bad Wolf (Black Swan 4) (36 page)

For three days he sat on the side of the bed. Sometimes he would lose consciousness to sleep, but then he would raise himself up only to stare at the window again. He divided his time between grieving her absence and yearning for her presence. He simply had no motivation to move. His desire to function had left with Luna and dissolved into despondency.

At the end of the third day there was a knock on the door. He willed whoever it was to go away, but they persisted.

He opened the door and Cloud was standing on the porch with a package. She looked at him strangely. He said nothing.

"Alpha. I brought something for Luna."

"She's not here."

"Not here?" Cloud repeated, trying to peer around where his body blocked the doorway.

"Anything else?"

"Um, no, I..."

He shut the door in her face.

A half hour later there was more knocking, louder, demanding. Something about the insistence of the knocking aggravated Grey.

He flung the door open. It was Win.

"What!"

"I came to check on you, Dad. You look really... awful." His nose twitched. "Have you bathed lately?" The alpha just stared at him with hollow eyes. "Or eaten?"

Win stepped inside. His father allowed it. Grudgingly.

"It's cold in here. Even for one of us. I'm going to build a fire and put some venison ribs on a plate."

Grey didn't reply. He didn't move, either. He simply stood unmoving by the front door while Win built up a fire and heated meat for his father.

"Dad. Come sit by the fire and eat a little something. I'm worried about you." Grey shuffled to his chair by the fire and sat without looking at Win or the food that was set in front of him. "Is this all about the human woman?

"I don't know what happened, but it's probably for the best. You know she could never be a real mate to you. You could never have offspring with her."

Grey's face slowly formed in a scowl and his eyes cleared a little as he looked at Win. "Why not?"

Win gaped like he was flabbergasted to be asked that question. "Because your young would be part human."

The lines formed by Grey's scowl grew deeper as those words sunk in. How would he feel if Luna was pregnant? She might already be pregnant. He hadn't used protection and she hadn't insisted on it. Why hadn't she insisted on it? He didn't dare let himself read anything into that. What difference did it make anyway? She was gone. Yet he was still thinking about it.

He searched his heart and his mind and saw imaginary pictures of what a child of theirs might look like. His heart responded with an eager, steady thumping, not regret. How could he have been so insensitive to the role love plays in assigning parentage? Because he hadn't known one thing about love.

He looked at his son and felt shame for teaching Win that hybrids were inferior - less than pure weres, not
real
werewolves. And he remembered the young hybrid from Black Swan who had easily dominated a pack of his young males and brought them to submission. He and Luna might have had a child like that. If he'd been willing to look closer and open his mind to new ideas, he might have learned that cross-breeds had something uniquely special that transcended being either pure human or pure were.

He spoke quietly.

"If I had offspring with the woman, I would cherish them just as I do you."

Grey's heart told him he might love them even more, but he would never suggest such a thing to his heir. Win was aghast.

"You're not yourself. We need to get you fed and cleaned up. You look like you haven't slept in days."

The king wasn't motivated to think of a good reason to say no. So he allowed his boy to fuss over him and treat him like he needed assisted living. When Windwalker was satisfied that his father was clean and that food was prepared for him, he built up the fire, handed him a warm cup of mulled wine and hoped it would lull his father into a badly needed sleep.

"I'll be over in the morning, Dad. If you need anything, take your phone out of the cabinet and call me."

The alpha simply sighed. He was relieved when his son had gone. He just wanted to be alone in the lodge with his memories. If he was human, he knew they would say he had fallen into a depression. Well, of course he was depressed. There was an impenetrable wall between him and the woman he loved.

If she was going to be taken from him forever, he wished that last memory would have been any of a hundred different times when he'd said or done something to make her laugh. He loved it when her eyes danced with sparkles like tiny firecrackers.

Over and over in his mind he saw the look on her face when he had thoughtlessly, senselessly compared her to his mate who had passed over so long ago, and led Luna to believe that she didn't fare well in the comparison.

He hated himself for having done that and would give anything to take back the fact that it was the last thing that would ever pass between them. The last thing shouldn't have been a lie, and implying that he preferred anything about his first wife was a lie. He didn't want to speak ill of her. As mates go, LapsRain had been nice enough.

His breath caught on that last sentence. When he realized what he'd said, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That's what the old ShuShu, BlueClaw, had tried to tell him - that he was going to get a chance for
real
love, to be looking out for it, and to grab hold if he found it. At the time Grey couldn't hear BlueClaw because he thought that the only thing big enough to satisfy his large appetite was the power of being king. He was so wrong.

He'd always had a sense that there was a hole in his middle that begged to be filled and he could never feed it enough to be satisfied. Until Luna. When she was there, he had never had the uneasy feeling of needing something more. He wished he had told her that ten times every hour.

She was a miracle to him and his people. Luna solved the mystery of what had gone wrong and he chose his pride over telling his people the truth and keeping faith with the woman he loved. He didn't want to admit that it was a mistake to split the tribe in two, separate families, create hardships.

He set his cup down. He looked into the fire and looked into his soul. Such a king did not deserve the trust of his people. Such a man did not deserve the love of a woman like Luna.

Through the night he continued to sit in front of the fire and ponder.

He asked himself if he would give up being alpha to be with Luna and the answer was yes. He asked himself if he would give up Elk Mountain to be with Luna and the answer was yes. He even went so far as to ask himself if he would give up shifting to be with Luna. Could he really deny half of his nature and never again feel the joy and freedom of running in his wolf form? The answer was still yes.

Then he asked himself what was the point of that exercise. It wasn't like he could get a ticket to her world. "Hello. AAA Travel? I'd like to know the fastest way to Throenark Dimension."

Sometime before morning, weariness finally overcame the werewolf and he slept. In his dream he saw the park where the Temple of the Cult of Vervain housed Luna. He saw a young woman emerge from the temple wearing red silk. He waited at the forest edge as she approached. When she drew near enough, she pulled her hood back from her face, but it wasn't Luna. It was Litha, the demon's daughter.

He sat up when he woke and pulled a hand down over his face thinking that the image in the dream would vanish like smoke as dreams most often do. But it remained clear as a photograph, which meant that it was a message from Spirits. Fortunately for him, he knew someone who could help him find the way into the dream world and hear that message.

Stalkson Grey changed his clothes and stepped outside. After walking a few feet he spied a pup and motioned him over.

"Go find LongPaw and say that the king would like to meet with him at Drift's lodge."

The young one was ecstatic to be given an errand for the king and ran away, knowing he would have something to brag about to his friends.

LongPaw reached Drift's current encampment just minutes after Grey. The three sat on skins on the ground around a small fire. The design of the lodging was perfection. The space left at the apex of the hides created a draft that pulled the smoke straight up and away.

"I'm going on Vision Quest and, as alpha, I require that the tribe elders guard my body."

Drift and LongPaw glanced at each other.

"Did you receive a message from Spirit?" Drift asked.

"Yes."

"And the message was that you need to seek the dream world?" LongPaw asked.

"Yes."

"Who will guide you on the journey?" Drift sounded concerned.

"I plan to ask the ShuShu, BlueClaw."

Drift said, "Ah. BlueClaw is a good man. We will accompany you, Alpha. Your body will be safe if you choose to return to it." Grey nodded. "When shall we seek out BlueClaw and ask for his help?"

Grey looked between them. "Now. If you're hungry, eat. If you're thirsty, drink. Then gather what you need and go with me."

The two old ones didn't try to hide their surprise. Drift offered jerky to LongPaw and Grey. LongPaw took it and ate. Grey didn't.

Before mid-day, the three werewolves walked into the camp BlueClaw had made that day. His lodging was the same type and style as Drift's, as their ancestors had shared the design. As they neared they could see by the smoke rising from the lodge that there was a fire burning inside.

BlueClaw stood outside looking in the direction of their approach. He raised his hand in greeting. "Stalkson Grey. Old ones."

Grey smiled. "You've been waiting for us."

"Yes. The stones are warm and ready."

Drift said, "He is not prepared."

BlueClaw looked at Drift. "He has prepared himself even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing, old wolf. He has spent three days alone - fasting, searching his heart and mind, looking for the way back to his true path. Stalkson Grey is ready."

He raised the flap to his lodge and stood aside in welcome and invitation.

Inside the lodge, Stalkson stripped out of his clothes and sat to the west of the fire. He didn't need to be told where to find west. Each of the four present was always aware of where they were in relationship to the directional pull of the earth's magnetism.

Grey sat in the west because that was where the spirit and dream worlds converged, or some would say, collided. The intersection created a gap in the fabric that separated the living from the dead.

The tribe elders were alarmed when Grey disrobed and they saw how much weight their alpha had lost, but they knew it was a necessary component of the quest. The old werewolves and the ShuShu removed their shirts. BlueClaw would sit in the east where he could give or withhold air to the other elements depending on what was needed during the journey. Drift sat in the north and LongPaw in the south.

BlueClaw had laid the fire inside a circle of large black river rock stones that had been polished smooth by eons beneath water rushing to the sea. Outside the ring of large black stones, being heated by the touch of flame and embers was another ring of smaller stones warming to a temperature appropriate for touch. On the ShuShu's left was a stack of wood for the fire. On his right was a bucket with a long-handled, dipper style ladle.

He took a leather pouch from around his neck, loosened the latigo lace tie, and withdrew a small quantity of something dark brown that resembled moss. He handed it to Grey who put the whole mess in his mouth at once and began to chew. When the alpha finished swallowing he lay down on his back with his left side to the fire.

BlueClaw took one of the smaller stones and placed it over Grey's heart. Another went over his solar plexus and a third covered the center of his forehead. BlueClaw took his place and began to chant while he poured a dipper of water over the large stones, enough to make steam rise, but not enough to put out the fire.

The air in the lodge immediately became close, filled with warm moisture. Blue Claw stoked the fire, added wood, and sat as he sang another chant in ShuShu language. After a few moments, the alpha's eyes drifted closed. From time to time BlueClaw ladled more water onto the stones. They hissed and sizzled and the air became heavier with steam.

After a time Grey began to sweat profusely, further dehydrating his body, partly from the heat of the room and partly from the fungus-induced fever. His skin was flushed all over. Now and then those who watched over his body observed minor convulsions or tremors rippling through his muscles.

Stalkson Grey emerged from a thick gray mist to find himself in a place unlike anywhere he'd been in his present incarnation as a werewolf. Treeless hills in varying shades of green undulated underneath a cloudy sky. There was not a single blemish on the land, no buildings, no machinery. There was, however, a person.

A woman stood with her back to him. Her long auburn hair was loosely bound by a ribbon and was being whipped about by a strong, uneven, and noisy wind. She was wearing a long dress made of the same scarlet silk that Luna wore on Throenark and it billowed in the wind. From her vantage point at the top of a hill, hands on her waist resting at the flare of her hips, she gave the impression that she owned the land as far as the eye could see.