Authors: Boris Vian
âAnd your expenses are always going up?' asked the junctiquitarian.
âFlowers are so expensive,' said Colin, âand so are prices in the mountains too â¦'
âBut if she gets better â¦' said the junctiquitarian.
âAh!' said Colin.
He beamed.
âThat would be so marvellous! â¦' he murmured.
âAnd it's not entirely impossible, is it?' said the junctiquitarian.
âNo! Of course not! â¦' said Colin.
âBut it will take time,' said the junctiquitarian.
âYes,' said Colin. âAnd the sun is going â¦'
âIt will come back,' said the junctiquitarian, encouragingly.
âI don't think so,' said Colin. âIt's moving farther away â¦'
They were quiet for a few moments.
âIs it loaded?' asked the junctiquitarian, pointing to the clavicocktail.
âYes,' said Colin. âThere's tiger's milk in all its tanks!'
âI'm quite handy on the keyboard. Could we try it out?'
âIf you like,' said Colin.
âI'll go and get a chair.'
They were standing in the middle of the shop where Colin had had his clavicocktail taken. All around them there were piles of strange old objects shaped like armchairs, leg-chairs, consoles and heels and other pieces of furniture. It was rather dark and there was a smell of curried polish and blue woodworm. The junctiquitarian took down a horsehair stool with saddle and reins and sat down in front of the clavicocktail. He had put up the
Closed
sign on the door which, being a slave to the truth, had swung shut and ensured that they would not be disturbed.
âDo you know any Duke Ellington? â¦' said Colin.
âYes,' said the junctiquitarian. âI'll play “Blues of the Vagabond”.'
âHow much shall I set it for?' said Colin. âThree choruses?'
âOK,' said the junctiquitarian.
âFine,' said Colin. âThat will make gallons. Ready?'
âPerfect,' replied the shopkeeper, and he began to play.
He had a very sensitive touch and the notes flew up, as airborne as the pearls cast from Barney Bigard's clarinet in Duke's version of the tune.
Colin had sat on the floor to listen, with his back against the clavicocktail, and soft paisley-shaped tears slowly came from his eyes, ran down his jacket and trousers and trickled away into the dust. The music passed through him and came out distilled. The result sounded more like âChloe' than the âBlues of the Vagabond'. The junk merchant
hummed an accompaniment of pastoral simplicity and swung his head to one side like a rattlesnake. He came to the end of his three choruses and stopped. Colin, filled with contentment to the very bottom of his soul, sat still. It was like the days before Chloe was ill.
âWhat do you do now?' asked the junctiquitarian â¦
Colin got up and opened the front panel by turning the handle. They took the two glasses that were filled to the brim with shimmering liquid rainbows. The junctiquitarian drank first, licking his lips with his tongue.
âIt's got exactly the taste of the blues,' he said. âAnd exactly the taste of those blues I've just played. This invention of yours is super! â¦'
âYes,' said Colin. âIt always did work very well.'
âYou know,' said the junctiquitarian, âI think I'm going to give you an excellent price for it.'
âI'll be very pleased if you do,' said Colin. âEverything's going very badly for me these days.'
âThat's the way things are,' said the junctiquitarian. âThey can't always go well.'
âBut they could try not to go badly so frequently,' said Colin. âWe remember good times much better â so what's the good of bad times?'
âShall I play “Misty Morning”?' suggested the junctiquitarian. âDoes that make a good mixture?'
âYes,' said Colin. âIt makes something terrific. A pearl-grey mint green cocktail, tasting of peppery smoke.'
The junctiquitarian sat down at the clavikeyboard again and played âMisty Morning'. Then they drank it. Next he played âBlue Bubbles' and stopped because he found he was playing two notes at once, and Colin was hearing four different tunes at the same time. Colin carefully put down the lid.
âWell,' said the junctiquitarian, âshall we talk business now?'
âYerrup!' said Colin.
âYour clavicocktail is a fantastically gimmicky gadget,' said the junctiquitarian. âI'll give you three thousand doublezoons for it.'
âOh, no!' said Colin. âThat's too much.'
âI insist,' said the junctiquitarian.
âBut that's idiotic,' said Colin. âI can't accept it. I'll take two thousand, if you like.'
âNo,' said the junctiquitarian. âTake it back again. I refuse.'
âI can't sell it to you for three thousand,' said Colin. âThat would be daylight robbery! â¦'
âNot at all â¦' insisted the junctiquitarian. âI know, we'll split it. I'll give you two thousand five hundred doublezoons.'
âAll right,' said Colin. âDone. But how are we going to darn that split?'
âTake your dough â¦' said the junctiquitarian.
Colin took the money and put it neatly in his crocket. He was swaying backwards and forwards.
âI can't stand up straight,' he said.
âOf course you can't,' said the junctiquitarian. âI hope you'll come and listen to a glass with me now and again?'
âI promise,' said Colin. âBut I must go now, or Nicholas will grumble at me.'
âI'll come part of the way with you,' said the junctiquitarian. âI've got some shopping to do.'
âThat's very kind of you! â¦' said Colin.
They went out of the shop. The green-blue sky was hanging almost on to the pavement and there were great white patches all over it where the clouds had just burst.
âWe've been having some stormy weather,' said the junctiquitarian.
They walked a few yards together and Colin's companion stopped in front of a supermarket.
âWait for me a moment,' he said. âI shan't be long.'
He went in. Colin saw him through the window picking up something which he held up to the light and looked at carefully before stuffing it into his pocket.
âHere we are again! â¦' he said, as he closed the door behind him.
âWhat was it?' asked Colin.
âA spirit level,' replied the junctiquitarian. âI'm going to play every tune I know once I've taken you home, and after that I'm going for a long, long walk â¦'
Nicholas was looking at the stove. He was sitting in front of it with a poker and a blow-lamp and checking up on the inside works. The top of the stove had sunken in and the stout metal sides were growing soft and mouldy like thin slices of gorgonzola. He heard Colin's footsteps in the corridor and looked up. He felt tired. Colin pushed open the door and went in, looking very pleased.
âWell?' asked Nicholas. âHow did you get on?'
âI've sold it,' said Colin. âTwo thousand five hundred â¦'
âDoublezoons? â¦' asked Nicholas.
âYes,' said Colin.
âIncredible! â¦'
âI wasn't expecting that much either. What were you doing with the stove?'
âLooking it over,' said Nicholas. âIt's trying to turn itself into a camp-fire and cauldron, and I wonder how the hell it's doing it â¦'
âIt's odd,' said Colin, âbut no more than the rest. Have you seen the corridor?'
âYes,' said Nicholas. âIt's like old floorboards now â¦'
âI don't want to have to tell you again,' said Colin, âthat I don't want you to stay here any more.'
âThere's a letter,' said Nicholas.
âFrom Chloe?'
âYes,' said Nicholas. âIt's on the table.'
As he opened the letter Colin could hear Chloe's silk-soft voice, and he had only to listen to it in order to read the letter. This is what it said,
Colin, my darling,
I am very well and the weather is lovely. The only things I don't like are the snow-moles. They are little animals who burrow their way between the snow and the earth. They have marmalade fur and make lots of noise squeaking in the night. They make big molehills out of the snow and everybody trips over them. Everything here is brilliant with sunshine and I'll be back again with you very very soon.
âIt's a lovely letter,' said Colin. âAnd now, off with you to the High-Pottinuices.'
âI'm not going,' said Nicholas.
âYou are,' said Colin. âThey need a cook and I don't want you here any more ⦠You're getting too old, and I told you I've already said you're going!'
âAnd what about the mouse?' said Nicholas. âWho'll feed it?'
âI'll look after it,' said Colin.
âYou wouldn't know how to,' said Nicholas. âAnd if you did that, then how would I know how things were going on?'
âYou'd find out,' said Colin. âThe atmosphere here's getting you down. None of you can stand up to it â¦'
âYou're always saying that,' said Nicholas, âand it doesn't explain a thing!'
âWell,' said Colin, âthat isn't the problem! â¦'
Nicholas stood up and stretched. He looked very sad.
âYou don't cook anything out of ffroydde any more,' said Colin. âYou neglect the kitchen, and you let yourself go.'
âI don't,' protested Nicholas.
âLet me finish,' said Colin. âYou don't put your best clothes on at the week-end any more, and you don't bother to shave in the mornings.'
âIt's not a crime,' said Nicholas.
âIt
is
a crime,' said Colin. âI can't give you as much money as you're worth. But, the way things are going, you're not going to be worth as much as you used to be ⦠And it's partly my fault.'
âThat's not true,' said Nicholas. âIt's not your fault if you're being messed around.'
âYes it is,' said Colin. âIt's because I got married and because â¦'
âThat's idiotic,' said Nicholas. âWho'll do the cooking?'
âI will,' said Colin.
âBut you'll be working! ⦠You won't have the time.'
âNo, I won't be working. Don't forget I've sold the clavicocktail for two thousand five hundred doublezoons.'
âYes,' said Nicholas, âthat's put you in front a little.'
âAnd you're going to the High-Pottinuices,' said Colin.
âOh!' said Nicholas. âYou get on my nerves. I'll go â but it's a lousy rotten trick.'
âPerhaps you'll get your good manners back again there.'
âYou used to complain enough when I did have them â¦'
âYes,' said Colin, âbecause I wasn't worth wasting them on.'
âYou make me sick,' said Nicholas. âYou make me sick, sick, and sick â¦'
Colin could hear somebody knocking on the front door and he hurried to open it. One of his slippers had a large hole in it so he hid his foot under the carpet.
âYou're up in the clouds here,' said Gnawknuckle, going in.
He was puffing and blowing in short pants.
âGood-morning, doctor,' said Colin, blushing because he had to take his foot out from under the carpet.
âYou've got a new flat,' said the professor. âI didn't have to climb so far before.'
âNo,' said Colin. âIt's the same.'
âPull the other one,' said the professor. âYou never let on when you crack a joke so it seems all the funnier in the end.'
âDo I?' said Colin ⦠âMaybe â¦'
âHow are things? And how's the patient?' said the professor.
âGetting better,' said Colin. âShe looks better and she's not in pain any more.'
âHrmm! â¦' said the professor. âI don't like the sound of that.'
Followed by Colin, he went into Chloe's room and ducked so as not to bang his head against the lintel over the door â but this came down at the same moment and the professor let out an enormous and unconventional Hippocratic oath. From her bed, Chloe laughed when she saw the way the professor was coming in.
The room had grown very small now. Unlike the carpet in the other rooms, it had grown much thicker here and the pile was high. The bed was now in a little alcove with satin curtains. The old big window was perfectly divided into four little square panes by the stalactites and stalagmites whose stony growth was now complete. Everything there was bathed in a greyish â but nevertheless clean â light. And it was warm.
âAnd you're still telling me that you haven't got a different flat, are you?' said Gnawknuckle.
âI swear to you, doctor â¦' began Colin.
He stopped, because the professor was looking at him in a worried and worrying way.
â⦠I was only joking! â¦' Colin concluded his sentence with an unconvincing laugh.
Gnawknuckle went up to the bed.
âNow,' he said, âlet's have a look at you. I'll have to sound you.'
Chloe opened her swansdown bed-jacket. âAh!' said Gnawknuckle. âThat's where they operated on you â¦'
Under her right breast she had a tiny scar, perfectly round.
âDid they pull it out through there when it was dead?' said the professor. âWas it very long?'
âAbout a yard, I think,' said Chloe. âWith a great big flower, six inches across.'
âHorrible thing! â¦' mumbled the professor. âYou did have bad luck. They're pretty unusual that large!'
âThe other flowers made it die!' said Chloe. âEspecially some vanilla blossom that I had towards the end.'
âStrange,' said the professor. âI wouldn't have thought vanilla would have had any effect at all. Now juniper or acacia would have been much more likely, in my opinion. But any fool can practise medicine, you know,' he summed up.