Monster (17 page)

“I meant to give it to you but forgot.”

“Great,” said Monster, abandoning his tracking spell. “Where is she?”

Gracie frowned. “I’m not telling you. You’re a collaborator. Don’t try to deny it. You stink of demons.”

“I don’t stink.” Monster pulled his T-shirt collar under his nose and sniffed. “So maybe I do stink a little.”

She stepped forward and cupped his chin. “Your aura is totally, like, saturated with orange and teal. You could clear that up with some volunteer work. A little less dairy would help your karmic resonance too.”

“My girlfriend is a demon,” admitted Monster, “but I don’t really like her.”

Gracie scowled. “That’s even worse.”

Two gaborchends emerged from Judy’s apartment. Grumbling, Monster ran to retrieve one of the many jars of Cheez Whiz he had stashed in the car.

“I realize Monster isn’t exactly the most pleasant guy in the world, miss,” said Chester, “but he does a lot of good, despite himself.”

“Oh, really?” asked Gracie. “Like what?”

“He’s rescued hundreds of endangered cryptos.”

“I have,” said Monster as he emptied two cans of Cheez Whiz onto the parking lot. The gaborchends momentarily forgot him as they lapped up the snack.

“That’s his job,” said Gracie. “That really doesn’t count.”

“Like hell it doesn’t,” said Monster, quickly beginning a transmogrification circle around the creatures. It wasn’t easy to draw the chalk runes on the pavement while squirting processed cheese into the gaborchends’ snapping jaws.

Gracie said, “Being a good person is more than just not being a bad person.”

Chester shrugged. “I guess she’s got you there then.”

Monster completed the spell. The gaborchends transmogrified in a flash. He collected the stones and stuck them in a bag with the rest of his collection, then pulled out his wallet and counted a few bills.

“If you tell me where she is, I’ll give you ten bucks.”

Gracie snatched the money from Monster and handed him a slip of paper.

Went to my sister’s
, read the note.
Please, please, please, call me there.

There was a phone number but no address.

Monster went to his car and found his phone doll. He tugged on the doll’s arms to dial the number and waited for someone to pick up.

“Hello?”

He recognized Judy’s voice.

“Judy, it’s me. Look, we have to talk.”

There was silence on the line.

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m here,” said Judy. “Who is this?”

“It’s Monster.”

More silence.

“I don’t know anyone named Monster.”

Monster lowered the doll and covered it with his hand. “Shit. She’s forgotten.” He put the doll back to his ear. “Remember that incident at the supermarket and your apartment?”

“Uh… yeah?” But her tone meant she didn’t remember much.

“I’m the guy you spent last night with.” He sighed. “The Animal Control guy.”

“Uh… yeah?”

“We have to meet.”

“We do?”

“We have to talk.”

“We are talking.”

He lowered the doll and swore.

“Let me give it a try.” Chester took the doll. “Hello, Judy. This is Chester. You probably don’t remember me very well, but…” He nodded. “Yes, the assistant, that’s me. I’m sorry, but there’s been an oversight on our part. Frankly, we goofed. I’ve got some papers here that need to be signed. It’s not essential, but it’d get us out of a bind. Shouldn’t take more than five minutes, I promise.”

“So?” asked Monster.

“She’s thinking it over.”

“What’s to think over?”

“She doesn’t remember much, but I’m betting she remembers that bad things tend to happen when you’re around.”

“Yeah, okay,” said Judy.

“What would you do without me, boss?” Chester got the address and handed the doll to Monster. “I don’t know how to hang this dumb thing up. You really should get a cell phone.”

Monster twisted the doll’s head and headed toward his car.

“Thanks for your help,” said Chester to Paulie and Gracie. The gnome folded himself into a crane and flew after Monster. The tin car rattled its way out of the parking lot.

Gracie held up her newly acquired ten bucks. “C’mon, baby. Taco Bell is on me tonight.”

Three gaborchends slinked out from behind Paulie’s multi-colored van.

“Sorry, guys,” she said. “You just missed them.”

Judy’s temporary residence was all the way across town. It was not a pleasant ride. Monster’s teeth were chattering so hard that he wouldn’t have been surprised to have chipped one or two, and he couldn’t feel his ass anymore. But he was getting used to it.

“My legs have gone numb,” said Chester. “I think that ride damaged my nerves.”

“You don’t have nerves,” said Monster.

“Must be psychosomatic then,” said Chester. “Still isn’t a pleasant sensation.”

Monster knocked on the door, noticing several unseen things rattling in the bushes on the front lawn. One unfortunate gaborchend clung clumsily to a high tree branch. Its disgruntled bleats showed it wasn’t happy to be stuck up there.

Monster knocked harder.

Judy threw open the door. “Jeezus, all right already. Give me a… Hey, you’re yellow.”

He stepped inside and shut the door. Then locked it.

“I didn’t invite you in,” said Judy.

“Recon, Chester. There could be more in the house.”

Chester folded himself into hummingbird shape and flitted away.

“Is that a paper man?” asked Judy.

Monster scanned the peephole. Five gaborchends were making their way across the lawn now. “Let’s not get distracted. This would be a lot easier if you hadn’t removed that memory glyph.”

“What?”

Several goat creatures pounded against the front door. Déjà vu struck Judy then. Not quite strong enough to help her remember everything, but a few things fell into place.

“You’re the guy who catches weird things!”

“Cryptobiologicals.”

Chester flew back. “There was something in the closet. Didn’t take a close look, but figured it would be safer to put a chair under the knob. Also, there’s a couple more in the backyard, and I’m pretty sure there’s something in the attic too.”

A gaborchend slammed into one of the long windows on either side of the front door. Judy pulled back the curtain. The goat-headed creature ran its lips and tongue across the window, spreading drool.

Monster quickly scrawled out a memory rune on a sticky note and tried to place it on Judy’s forehead. She blocked.

“What are you doing?”

Several things thumped around in the attic.

“We don’t have time for this,” said Monster. “Stick this on your head so you can remember.”

“Remember what?”

A creature pounded from the inside of the oven while another bleated from beneath the living room couch.

“This could become a problem,” said Chester.

Monster attempted to put the note on her face. Judy slapped his hand away.

“I didn’t want to do this,” said Monster, “but we just don’t have time to screw around. Sorry if I accidentally hurt you.”

He tried to pin her arms. Judy punched him in the breadbasket. In the middle of his painful exhale, she kneed him in the groin. Gasping, he collapsed.

“Take it easy on the poor lady,” said Chester.

“Hey, where’d he go?” asked Judy.

Monster, eyes closed and invisible, managed to drag himself across the floor and behind Judy. He reached around and slapped the rune on her forehead.

“Ow, you poked my eye, you son of a…” She lashed out, catching him in the cheek with her elbow and knocking him to the floor again. “Hey, I remember! I remember everything!”

“Great.” Monster thought he tasted blood, and he wasn’t sure, but maybe a couple of teeth were loose. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Judy rubbed her closed eye. “You could’ve been more careful.”

The gaborchend under the couch had managed to pull itself halfway out. It bleated and snapped at Monster.

“The master bedroom was all clear last time I checked,” said Chester, leading the way.

They shut the door and listened to the increasing volume of the growls.

“What’s going on?” asked Judy. “Where did all these things come from?”

“You did something,” said Monster.

“Did what?”

“We don’t know,” said Chester, “but we think this is all related to you, so you might be the cause of it.”

“Actually,” said Monster, “I didn’t think you had anything to do with it.”

The growls of gaborchends increased in volume and ferocity.

“But I’m beginning to change my mind.”

“Cause of what?” asked Judy.

“All these creatures,” said Monster. “The trolls and the yetis, the walrus dog, the kojin. And now these gaborchends. You must have done something.”

“Like what?”

“Like a spell. Have you done any spells recently?”

“No.”

“Did you read any weird books? Drink any odd liquids? Maybe run over a gypsy or sign any contracts?”

“No.”

“Don’t just answer,” said Monster. “Think about it.”

“I’m telling you, no.”

“Rub a lamp? Steal cursed Aztec gold? Behead an evil wizard? Anything at all?”

“No, I haven’t done any of those things. I’d think I’d remember if I did.”

“We have to check you for marks,” said Monster. “If you’re under a spell, odds are it’ll leave some kind of mark on you.”

“Where?”

“It could be anywhere,” said Chester.

“Right,” said Monster. “We’ll need you to get undressed.”

“Wait a minute,” she said. “Is this some sort of magical come-on? Did you set all this up just so you could get in my pants? Because it ain’t gonna happen, so you might as well call your goat beasts off.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, lady,” said Monster. “I’ve already got a girlfriend, and she’s a lot hotter than you. Now take off your shirt.”

She glared, tightening her hands into fists. “Make me.”

Monster lunged, and Judy punched him in the nose. She stomped on his foot. He hopped on one leg, which promptly fell out from under him when she kicked his knee.

“Son of a bitch.” He wiped the blood from under his nose.

“Y’know, you’re really not very good at this,” said Judy. “You should take some self-defense classes.”

A gaborchend crawled out from under the bed. Another stepped out of the closet. Monster and Judy retreated to the adjoining bathroom. It wasn’t a full bath, just some minimum square footage with a mirror and a toilet. She sat while Monster stood pressed against the door.

Chester’s flattened body squeezed under the doorjamb. “Thanks for waiting, guys.”

The gaborchends thumped against the door.

“Not to be too obvious, but we’re running out of places to hide,” said Chester.

Judy massaged her temples. The memory glyph was already giving her the buzzing ache in her skull. The steady beating of the door and incessant bleating weren’t helping either.

“Wait a minute. I just remembered.” She pointed to the note on her forehead. “This thing will kill me eventually.”

“Not right away,” said Monster. “There’s really not much risk at this stage.”

She wondered if the buzz was the first sign of an aneurysm.

“I needed you to remember,” said Monster. “I had to take the chance.”

“That’s easy for you to say when it’s my life.”

She stood and pushed him against the door. He knew she could take him. He had the bloody nose and sore jaw to prove it.

“Listen up, asshole. I don’t know why you think any of this has anything to do with me. I’m not the monster hunter. I’m just some loser who works at a grocery store, doesn’t have any friends, and may be about to have a stroke. I don’t appreciate you coming here and accusing me of… whatever it is you’re accusing me of. If this has anything to do with anyone, it’s got to be about you. And I don’t appreciate you endangering my life and bringing these hell-goats with you because of some dumbass theory you’ve got. The best decision I made in the last two days was forgetting all this crap and getting on with my life. So do me a favor and leave me the hell alone.”

The racket of a dozen enraged gaborchends ceased instantly.

Tense with rage, she grabbed him by the collar with both hands. She spoke softly through clenched teeth.

“I never want to see you again. Is that understood?”

He nodded. Slowly. He was afraid that if he dared open his mouth, she’d bite off his tongue. He swallowed his fear and a little nervous vomit.

Chester slipped his head under the bathroom door. “They’re gone.”