Model Guy (17 page)

 
"Down on the floor,
I think."

 
She tuts. "If you
get any lazier, you wouldn't bother to breathe." She finds the elusive remote
on the floor and throws it onto my stomach.

 
"Ouf! I think you've
broken some ribs."

 
"Good," giggles
Lauren.

 
But before I can switch
channels the phone rings and she reaches over and picks it up. It's my mum.

 
"Oh, hello Sheila.
How are you?" says Lauren, looking across at me with a face which says 'get
ready to take this off me very soon'. They chat briefly and then Lauren says. "Anyway,
nice to talk to you, Sheila. Take care now. He's just here."

 
"Hi mum," I
say, taking the receiver from Lauren's outstretched hand and still looking at the
television.

 
"Hello dear. Everything
all right?"

 
"Yep, fine thanks."

 
"Good, good."
There is a pause.

 
"What is it mum?"
I ask, sitting up.

 
"Well, I had a look
at your website -"

 
"Great, what did
you think?"

 
"It was er...the
pictures, you know the graphics, were very exciting, like you said. Everyone in
the library was very impressed."

 
"Good," I smile,
enjoying the idea that we had an audience in her local library - definitely the
2cool target audience. Not.

 
"And those clothes
- very smart. I liked one of the skirts by that Italian designer, except for the
price of course - do people really spend that much money on a skirt?"

 
"Oh, yeah, you'd
be amazed."

 
"Incredible. Anyway,
we looked at what was you know trendy, like you said and then..."

 
"Yeah?"

 
"Well, the thing
is Charlie, we went on the bit that said 'Extra Curricula" and..."

 
"Sorry, which bit?"

 
"The little thing
called 'Extra Curricula' you know the what's it? The icon. The cursor turned into
a little hand like it does and we clicked on it and then we found these pictures..."

 
"What pictures?"

 
"Charlie, I don't
know about these things and I'm sure you know what you're doing..."

 
"Mum, what pictures?"

 
"Charlie, you must
know."

 
I sit up and reach for
the telly controller. Even Lauren is watching me now.

 
"No, what pictures?"

 
She takes a deep breath.

 
"Pornographic pictures."

 
"What? Porn? On the
site?"

 
"Yes, dear, didn't
you know?" I look to Lauren for some reason but she just gives me a questioning
frown.

 
"No, I didn't. Listen
mum, are you sure you went to the right site?"

 
"Oh, yes, everything
else was there like you said."

 
"2cool2btrue.com"
I spell it out for her just in case.

 
"Yes, you wrote down
it here. I'm looking at it."

 
"Somebody's hacked
into the site."

 
"You mean, like...like
burglars."

 
"Yes, exactly. Oh,
God, mum. I'm so sorry about this. How embarrassing. I hope the people you with
didn't see it all."

 
"Oh, they did, we
were all looking."

 
"Oh God."

 
"Don't worry, I think
the head librarian was very interested in it. He spent ages you know - checking
things. He was still at it when I left."

 
She laughs shyly. I laugh
a bit too, mainly to encourage her like we always do but also to show that it's
all right, I'm a professional, I can handle this little hiccup.

 
"Oh, hell's teeth.
Listen, I'll tell the others. Well, thanks for letting me know. I'd better ring
them now, actually. Love you. Speak to you soon."

 
I click off and get up
to find Guy's mobile number.

 
"Someone's put porn
pictures on the 2cool website?" asks Lauren.

 
"Yep, looks like
it," I mutter, leaving the room.

 
"Oh, my God"
she laughs. "Let's have a look."

 
"It's not funny,"
I tell her.

 
In the bedroom, before
ringing Guy, I switch on my computer and log in just to check that my Mum is right.
Sure enough, along the options along the left hand side is a new one 'Extra Curricula'.
I click on the icon and am immediately presented with pictures of girls lying back
exposing their crotches, grasping their tits in wide eyed amazement as if they'd
never seen them before and others with men and women, women and women, and men and
men having sex together. Most look like they were taken recently but some have a
grainy, seventies quality and some a harsh, lip glossed, heavily blushered look
of the eighties about them.

 
I'm stunned for a moment.
I haven't been so unaroused by naked flesh since a biology lesson. Then I ring both
Guy and Piers' mobiles to warn them. I get voicemails on each of them so I leave
messages telling them what I've discovered and asking them to ring me at home if
they want otherwise we can discuss it in the office tomorrow.

"Oh, yeah," says Guy when I mention it to him the next
morning.

 
"So, you did get
my message?" I ask, dropping my newspaper on my desk. "About the porn
thing?"

 
Instead of being shocked
and angry as I had expected he simply refers me to Piers who says what I'm sort
of dreading by now.

 
"Good, eh? Zac put
them on yesterday."

 
"What?"

 
"Zac's been sourcing
them over the last few days. We've even had some done specially. He uploaded them
yesterday."

 
"You knew?"

 
"Yeah, of course,"
says Piers, draining his coffee and crushing the cardboard cup with obvious satisfaction.

 
"Look, I don't like
this. How the hell can you say that porn pics are too cool to be true?"

 
"Oh Charlie -"
says Piers with a sad smile.

 
"Oh Charlie nothing!
Why the fuck didn't I know?"

 
"Because Piers should
have told you," says Guy. "Listen mate, I'm really sorry about this but
sometimes thing move so quickly in this game."

 
Piers is looking slightly
miffed about being dumped on but finally even he realises that this is his role
in Operation Keep Charlie Sweet.

 
"We need to keep
each other informed of what's going on all the time, after all, we're supposed to
be in the communications business, aren't we?" adds Guy.

 
There is a deafening slurping
sound as Scarlett finishes her juice and looks meaningfully at him.

 
"We certainly bloody
should, but what the hell has porn got to do with our site?"

 
"Thing is Charlie,
porn is what drives the internet. Eighty per cent of internet searches are for pornography,"
explains Piers.

 
"But why do we have
to get involved in it?"

 
"Because it's part
of modern consumerism," says Guy, looking up from his computer.

 
"Oh, that's so eighties!"
howls Scarlett, looking at her own screen. "Look at the blusher and that lip
gloss. And that one's pure seventies, I love the long beads and the afro hair and
is that a Biba print in the background? Zac, these are brilliant."

 
"Thing is, Charlie,"
says Piers and I find myself spinning back to him, "we're treating these pictures
humorously. They're not for spotty teenage boys to drool over, they're part of modern
day life. We're exposed to porn of one kind or another every day - just a look at
a Gucci or a Haagen Daz ad, for goodness' sake. We're just having a laugh at it
here."

 
Once again everyone seems
to be in the know and have reached a consensus except me.

 
"Ironic porn,"
explains Scarlett. "Everyone's doing it. My friend Maria, yeah? She's a performance
artist. She's made a couple of porno movies.

You know, ironically."

 
"What? Sort of fucking
in inverted commas?"

 
My sarcasm is wasted on
Scarlett.

 
"They're really funny
- crappy sets, sound quality so bad that you can hardly hear what they're saying,
awful dialogue. At one point she says something like 'But I'm a good girl from a
convent school, can you teach me to be bad?'" Scarlett and Zac yell with laughter.
"The guy she was doing it with - he was a fine art student or something - had
these like huge sideburns? And a gold medallion and she was wearing false eyelashes
like, you know, spiders? And a huge blonde hair piece. It was so funny."

 
"And she actually
had sex with this guy?" laughs Zac enthusiastically. "Full penetration?"

 
"Oh, yeah, shaved
her minge down to a Brazilian. Did all that 'Oh, my God, my God. You're so big!'
bollocks." Scarlett runs her hands through her hair, closes her eyes, opens
her mouth, licks her lips and throws her head backwards, arching her back ecstatically.
Zac looks on, thrilled. I've got a horrible feeling that he is turned on in a decidedly
non-ironic way.

 
"She's like really
creative," explains Scarlett, now mercifully out of character again. "They
had to go all the way - it was a condition of their grant."

 
"Look, porn is porn,"
I tell them.

 
"And what's the moral
minority going to do about it?" sneers Zac. I give him an evil stare.

 
"But we've had some
of these girls shot specially," says Piers. "They appreciate the irony."

 
"Oh, she looks very
ironic," I say pointing to a girl on my screen in patent leather high heels
and a long pearl necklace, spreading her legs wide and grasping her huge manmade
breasts as if they might just go off at any minute.

 
"But that's a classic
porn mag pose. Mayfair, Penthouse circa 1973. 2cool readers are immediately going
to appreciate the historical reference," grins Piers enthusiastically. "Anyway,
those shoes are specially acquired Manolo Blahnik's. How many porn mags use Manolo
Blahniks?"

 
I'm lost for words.

 
"You never done any
nudey stuff then, Charlie?" asks Zac, from a near horizontal position behind
his desk.

 
"Oh, don't be disgusting."

 
"Bit of skin?"

 
"I said no."

 
"What about that
pic in the Post?"

 
I sigh deeply.

 
"That was to advertise
a holiday. There was a woman and a couple of kids in the original photograph. They
just cut them out."

 
"You looked kinda
cute in those groovy little swimmies."

 
"Fancy me then do
you?"

 
"'Fraid not bud,
just wondering why they used you?"

 
"In that picture?
Why not? I was a model."

 
"Exactly."

 
"What's that supposed
to mean?"

 
Zac flicks a pen up in
the air and catches it.

 
"Well, why not some
old guy with a beer belly and a hairy back?"

 
"Because...well,
because you obviously use good looking people in advertising." My phone begins
to ring but I ignore it and let Scarlett get it.

 
"Oh, right. Good
looking people....showing off their nice bodies...in sexy poses?" asks Zac,
innocently.

 
Oh, very clever.

 
"It's not the same,
it's not obscene...I'm wearing swimming trunks," I tell him sulkily. He carries
on flicking the pen in the air and smiling victoriously at me. I'm just wondering
how things could get worse when fate obliges. "It's Nora Bentall for you,"
says Scarlett, holding up her receiver. I look round at Piers and Guy who nod for
me to take it.

 
"Hey Charlie,"
says Nora.

 
"Hello," I say
stiffly.

 
"How's it going?"

 
"Fine, how are you?"
I say with an effort, aware that four pairs of ears are trained on me, however busy
their owners seem to be with other tasks. This will be a test of my communications
skills, and my overall professionalism, I realise.

 
"Good thanks. Listen
Charlie, I was just looking at the site and I noticed that there's a new section
on it." I can imagine that cheeky - dare I say it? - ironic smile at the other
end of the phone.

 
"Yes?"

 
"Extra Curricula
or something? Well, it seems kind of rude to me. I'm just doing a little piece about
it, you know, the threat of cyber porn and...."

 
"Yes?"

 
"I was wondering
why you'd done it? Not very too cool is it? How do you answer the allegation that
you're already going down market and you've gone for the lowest common denominator
- pornography."

 
Oh, God, I'm really tempted
to agree with her. I pause for a moment just to build up a little tension amongst
my colleagues. Guy so obviously isn't reading that piece of paper. "That's
right, Nora, we just thought 'Fuck it! Sex sells' and decided to put lots of porn
on the site but I hope you like the boots - they're real Manolo Blahniks."