Mission: Earth "Villainy Victorious"

This bizarre, fallacious tale has not been made any more palatable by the introduction of a different narrator.

Nor has the narrative pined any credibility by its claims that events in our 110-planet confederacy were caused by a stupid, nonexistent race of people from a planet that sounds more like a lunatic asylum than anything else.

The position of the Crown is firmer than ever.

The planet Earth does not exist!

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

Hi there!

This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine. How are you?

Lord Invay may not take kindly to having a new narrator but it's sure easier for me. Monte Pennwell speaks only Voltarian. I'm programmed for any language, but there does seem to be a scarcity of information on the languages they speak on this nonexistent Earth.

I have updated your Key to this book and it follows.

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Afyon-
Cityin Turkey where the
Apparatus
has a secret mountain base.

Agnes, Miss
-Personal aide to Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-
Thesecret police of
Voltar,
headed by Lombar
Hisst
and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name "drunks."

Balmor
-Butler to Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
on Earth.

Bang-Bang-
Anex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe
Corleone
mob.

Barben, I. G.
-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Bawteh
-Soltan
Gris's
chief clerk on
Voltar.

Bittlestiffender,
Prahd-Voltarian cellologist that Sol-tan
Gris
brought to Earth to operate a hospital in
Afyon.
(See
Cellology.)

Blito-P3
-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.

Blixo-
Apparatus
freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and
Voltar.
The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Bluebottles-
Nicknamegiven to the Domestic Police of
Voltar.

Blueflash-
Abright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

Bolz-
See
Blixo.

Bury
-Delbert John
Rockecenter's
most powerful attorney. His favorite pastime is feeding white mice to snakes.

Caucalsia, Prince
-According to a folk legend, he fled
Manco
during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on
Blito-P3
that became known as Atlantis.

Cellology
-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break
-Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender (s) and any native (s) so alerted.

Coordinated Information Apparatus-
See
Apparatus.

Corleone-
A Mafia family headed by Babe, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."

Crobe, Doctor-
Apparatus
cellologist who worked in
Spiteos.
He delights in making human freaks.

Drunks-
See
Apparatus.

Endow, Lord-
Headof the
Exterior Division.

Epstein, Izzy
–Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero
Heller
to set up and run several corporations.

Exterior Division-
Thatpart of the Voltarian government that reportedly contained the
Apparatus.

Faht Bey
-Turkish name of the commander of the secret
Apparatus
base in
Afyon
,
Turkey.

Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici-
Headof a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs from I. G.
Barben.

F. F. B. O.-
Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising/public relations firm on Earth. J. Walter
Madison
works for them.

Fleet-
Theelite space fighting arm of
Voltar
to which Jettero
Heller
belongs and which the
Apparatus
despises.

G. C.
-See
Grand Council

Gracious Palms-
Theelegant whorehouse where Jettero
Heller
resided when first in New York City. It is
,
across from the United Nations and is operated by the
Corleone
family.

Grafferty, "Bulldog"-
Acrooked New York City police inspector.

Grand Council-
Thegoverning body of
Voltar,
which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the
Invasion Timetable.

Gris, Soltan-
Apparatus
officer placed in charge
of Blito-P3
(Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero
Heller.

Heller, Hightee-
Themost beautiful and popular entertainer in the
Voltar
Confederacy. She is also Jettero's sister.

Heller, Jettero
-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the
Fleet,
sent with Gris on Mission Earth where he is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance
Wister.

Hisst, Lombar
-Head of the
Apparatus;
his plan to overthrow the
Voltar
Confederacy required sending Soltan
Gris
to sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission.

"Holy Joe"-
See
Corleone.

Hot Jolt
-A popular Voltarian drink.

Invasion Timetable-
Aschedule of galactic conquest.

The plans and budget of every section of
Voltar
's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

Joy, Miss-
SeeCountess
Krak.

Krak, Countess
-Condemned murderess, former prisoner of
Spiteos,
a nonperson and the sweetheart of Jettero
Heller.
On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."

Madison, J. Walter
-Fired from
F. F. B. O.
when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by
Bury
to immortalize Jettero
Heller
in the media. He is also known as "J. Warbler Madman."

Manco
-Home planet of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.

Maysabongo-
Jettero
Heller
was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy
Epstein
made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.

Mister Calico-
A calico cat that was trained by the Countess
Krak.

Mortiiy, Prince-
Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar.

Mudur Zengin-
Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan
Gris
's funds.

Odur-
See
Oh Dear.

Oh Dear
-Nickname for Odur. With
Too-Too,
forced by Soltan
Gris
to get information on
Voltar
and courier it to him on Earth.

Peace, Miss
-Secretary to Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Pokantickle-
The New York estate of Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Rockecenter, Delbert John-
Nativeof Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.

Simmons, Miss
-An antinuclear fanatic.

Snelz
-Platoon commander at
Spiteos
who befriended Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
when they were prisoners there.

Spiteos-
On
Voltar,
the secret fortress prison of the
Apparatus.

Swindle and Crouch-
Lawfirm representing Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Tayl, Widow
-Nymphomaniac on
Voltar.

Teenie
-Earth teen-ager who kept seducing Soltan
Gris.
He shipped her to Voltar to get rid of her.

Too-Too-
Nickname for
Twolah.
He and
Oh Dear
were forced by Soltan
Gris
to get information on
Voltar
and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.

Twoey
-Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.
Twolah-
See
Too-Too.

Utanc-
Abelly dancer that
Gris
bought to be his concubine slave.

Voltar-
Homeplanet and seat of the 110-world confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the
Grand Council
in accordance with the
Invasion Timetable.

Wister, Jerome Terrance-
Namethat Jettero
Heller
is using on Earth.

TO: BIOGRAPHICS PUBLISHING COMPANY COMMERCIAL CITY PLANET VOLTAR

GENTLEMEN!

I am thoroughly delighted with the agreements that we have reached. I can assure you that our names will be mutually and eternally emblazoned in history.

I could not believe that my government would ever lie to me. I had no idea that anyone would seek a "cover-up." That was why I was so shocked to discover that they have deleted, changed and destroyed records so that no one would learn the existence of this single planet called Earth.

Why would they want to deny the existence of a minor planet that is a mere 221/2 light-years away?

Ah, that's the story that I am so arduously and so faithfully writing!

So that you may better appreciate my achievement, I am sending what I have completed thus far and will continue to write. I mailed the first part to you earlier. Let me try to bring you up-to-date. This is no small task because the imagination is staggered by the sheer magnitude of the events. However, I shall seek to achieve this.

As I have discovered, Earth is controlled by the man who owns the planet's fuel-Delbert John Rockecenter. His power is such that he can determine the political future of a country simply by making a telephone call to one of his minions.

Voltarian Fleet officer Jettero Heller's mission was to de-pollute the planet and to create an inexpensive, safe source of energy so that Earth could survive long enough to be invaded.

When Heller arrived on Earth, he had the identity of Delbert John Rockecenter, Jr., which was given to him by the head of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Lombar Hisst. This was done because Hisst wanted the Fleet officer's mission to fail, and he thought this would bring the force of the Rockecenters down on Heller. The reason Hisst wanted the mission to fail was that he was using Earth to produce mind-altering drugs that were being smuggled back to Voltar as part of a conspiracy to overthrow the Empire.

What no one knew was that there was a
real
inheritor to the Rockecenter fortune-Delbert John Rockecenter II.

The first person who tried to stop Heller was Rockecenter's attorney Bury, who gave Heller the identity of Jerome Terrance Wister. It didn't stop him, however. Heller became a consul for the African nation of Maysabongo and began to form corporations that created and patented new energy sources-a revolutionary microwave power source, a new carburetor that didn't use gasoline and cars that worked without Rockecenter-controlled fuel. When petroleum stocks dropped out the bottom, Heller used his Maysabongo resources to buy them all up and to take control of Earth's oil industries.

But Rockecenter was no fool, and he had forces that Heller could not muster-the American presidency, for example, and the armed forces of the United States.