Missing Hart (7 page)

“She’s going to be fine though, right Dill? We’re going to save her… she’s going to get better! Isn’t she? ISN’T SHE?”

Shaking my head I pulled her closer and held on tight.

“Lee… she’s gone.”

Her scream of despair hit my gut like boiling acid, my insides shredding as I held on to the only part of my family that was left.

“I feel like I never see you anymore. You’re always busy, always out. Don’t you miss me Dominique?”

My sister was acting like a goofball, chasing me around the house and begging me to go with her to Spencer’s apartment for a visit. She’s right, I am always busy these days, but I have no intention of going to Spencer’s with her to watch them make goo-goo eyes at each other that they aren’t even going to follow through on. I love them both, but right now my focus is on Marissa and getting her better. I’ve been watching Spencer and Delilah revolve around each other for my entire life, so I don’t feel bad about begging off.

Still, I know my sister misses me, and I miss her too, so I decided to let her down easy. Making a loud spooky noise, I turned and tackled Delilah to the living room carpet, tickling her and making her scream with laughter.

“Stop! Stop! I’m… going… to… pee…my…pants!”

I got up laughing out loud, pointing down at her with a smile. “That counts as a tap out which means I’m still the victor!”

Holding out my hand I helped her up from the carpet before giving her a big hug. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. I’ll try harder to make sister time happen. Unfortunately, today is not that day because I’ve already got plans. I promise we’ll do a twin-a-thon day ASAP. Go enjoy your Friday night pretending to watch movies at Spencer’s.”

Hugging me tightly, she planted a loud kiss on my cheek before pulling back. “I’m going to hold you to that sis! But just so you know, there’s no pretending involved. He’s not ready yet.”

Shaking my head at her I laughed out loud. I think Spencer’s a lot more ready than she realizes, but they need to work that out themselves.

Stopping in my Mama San’s home office, I walked around her desk to tell her that I was leaving and to give her a hug and a kiss.

“I see that my baby girl is feeling brighter today! You’ve blown in and out of here for weeks with very little in the way of your normal affectionate way of saying hello and goodbye. You light up my world honey.”

I loved her so much for being patient with me, for understanding that I needed space even when it hurt her feelings, and apparently the way I’d been acting for the last month had upset her.

All but throwing myself into her arms, I pressed my cheek to hers.

“I love you so much Mama San. You light up my world, too.”

After another quick kiss on my forehead she let me go, and I left with a full heart. My birth “mother” sucked, but my Aunt had become my true mom the second that she stepped into my life. The fact that Mama San was my mother’s sister boggled my mind, because two people couldn’t be more different if they tried. Mama San really did light up my world, and I adored her.

I had a big silly grin plastered on my face as I made my way to our driveway and got into my car. My eldest brother, Dante, insisted that Delilah and I both had first cars that were effectively glorified “war wagons.” He has an almost obsessive need to keep us safe, so the rule is that we have to drive the cars until we graduate high school. If we get no tickets and are in no accidents that are our fault, we can get different cars. Our school friends think it is hilarious that they all get to drive expensive cars while Delilah and I both drive old clunkers. Delilah’s car is a twenty year old Chevy, while mine is a twenty-two year old Buick. While the interior and the bodies of both cars leaves something to be desired, I have to admit that Dante has made sure the engines on our cars are always in perfect working order, and my car has never even considered hesitating to start.

The drive to Dillon and Marissa’s neighborhood took no time at all considering the fact that they lived less than ten minutes away. I stopped off at a florist and bought a beautiful bunch of sunflowers. They’re Marissa’s favorite flower, and I knew they would brighten her day. After I was finished at the florist I headed to Whole Foods to grab her favorite sparkling water. She was addicted to the stuff, but while she had been depressed she hadn’t been drinking any of it. Most days it had been a chore to get her to drink anything, and she refused to eat or drink anything that she would enjoy. Dillon had explained that it was a longstanding problem that she had; when she got down, she had a hard time putting anything inside of her. I was just glad that, after yesterday, I knew that she was coming out of the tunnel and into the light.

I cranked some happy music on the stereo in the Buick and made the rest of the trip to Marissa and Dillon’s with a huge smile on my face. The day was beautiful, one of those very early fall-ish days in LA that made everything seem possible. The miracle I want to achieve today is getting Marissa to agree to visit the bookstore with me. I just know that if she got herself back through the door of the store, she would remember how much she loves being surrounded by books and customers.

Pulling up to the house, I saw that Leah’s car was parked behind Dillon’s car in the driveway. Marissa’s car wasn’t around and I smiled to myself as I got out of the car and walked across the lawn with my happy presents, wondering if she had beat me to it and gone to the store on her own. Nothing would make me happier than to know that she was out and about.

I gave a goofy little knock on the door as I waited for someone to answer. When the door swung open I found myself looking up into Dillon’s face. He looked absolutely terrible, and my heart bottomed out somewhere near my knees.

Something was wrong, and I got a horrible feeling that nothing was ever going to be the same again.

I opened my mouth to speak, noting that my mouth suddenly felt like the Sahara desert.

I could just barely manage to croak out, “Dillon?”

As his mouth opened, I realized that when he opened the door I could hear sobbing. Leaning to the right, I looked past him and saw that Leah was curled up in a ball on the couch hysterically crying.

His hand on my shoulder brought my attention back to him, my brain trying to deny what I was seeing. Dillon wouldn’t look like this and Leah wouldn’t cry this way if something weren’t horribly wrong.

“Dominique… Marissa’s gone.”

I knew what he meant, but I tried to tell myself that I was wrong. Maybe he meant the hospital, or maybe she ran away. Either way, she would be back. She had to come back.

“Where did she go?”

Choking on a sob he replied, “She killed herself this afternoon.”

I heard an agonized shriek just before I felt something wet drench my leg. As Dillon pulled me into his arms I realized that the shriek came from me, and the wetness I felt was from the bottles of water I had brought for Marissa exploding when I dropped them.

In the few hours that passed since the moment Dillon opened the door and reality went from normal to heartbreaking, I’ve done little but sit on the couch holding on to Leah and Dillon. The three of us cried rivers and there didn’t seem to be an off valve.

I saw that Dillon was trying to pull himself together for Leah, but it was a real struggle. No real words had been spoken. Leah already knew what happened but I didn’t so he explained what Marissa had done and that retelling was almost more than I could take.

Darkness had long since fallen, but other than turning on a light no one in the room had gotten up. Pulling away from Leah and me on the couch, Dillon stood up and started to pace.

“I know it’s normal to feel the way we do, but right now it’s scaring the shit out of me. I can’t lose anything else. We’re going to survive this, right?”

It was the first time I had ever heard Dillon be so unsure about something that wasn’t Marissa related. My heart broke when I realized that he was like a trauma victim who was terrified of another shoe dropping. Before I could say anything, Leah started talking.

“Somehow we’re going to survive Dill, but we’re never going to be the same. But right now, we need… we have to… oh my god, it’s so goddamn hard!”

She broke off for a minute, hiccupping as she got herself under control enough to speak.

“We have to go into her bedroom to see… if… she left… a note. I need to know. And then… we need… to decide… to choose… what we’re going to do… with…her… oh, god… her body. But what she did… we’ll never be able to see what’s left, will we? She’s really gone….”

It was all she could get out, and I wrapped my arms around her and held on tightly as she quietly cried.

Looking at Dillon over Leah’s shoulder I saw that he was hanging by a thread. Looking up he met my eyes and mouthed, “I’ll be back,” before he turned and walked out the front door.

At that point I realized that someone needed to take charge and neither Dillon or Leah were in any condition to do so. I was heartbroken but my despair couldn’t be nearly as profound as theirs was. They had known her longer, had lived through the ups and downs for years. I had lost my best friend but Leah had lost her sister and Dillon had lost his wife. Their agony took precedence over mine, without a doubt. As much as my heart hurt, I knew that I needed to pull myself together so that I could take care of them.

Pulling back from Leah I grabbed my phone and texted my Aunt Sandra to let her know that I was going to spend the night at Marissa’s. I didn’t mention that Marissa was gone because I just couldn’t bring myself to say it.

After hitting send I turned back to Leah and pushed her hair back from her face.

“Lee, I’m going to turn on the TV for you and then I’m going to go talk to Dillon for a minute. You need to drink something. When I come back inside, I’ll pour you a glass of iced tea. Do you want or need anything else?”

Sniffling quietly she shook her head. “No, but thank you Dominique. Thank you for being here.”

After kissing her cheek I made my way out the front door to find Dillon. He wasn’t right outside. For a minute I thought he must have gone for a walk, but when I heard a noise from the driveway I followed it and found him sitting up against the side of the house, hidden behind the cars.

After taking a deep breath, I put on the calmest face I possibly could, given the circumstances, before kneeling in front of him so that we were eye to eye. Even looking at him was painful.

“Hey,” I said. “I know you’re overwhelmed. I also know that you need to let yourself grieve and you can’t take on too much. You don’t need to go into her room tonight. I’ll do it. I’ll go check to see if there is a note. Tomorrow morning I’ll call around and find a funeral home. You and Leah will have to decide what kind of service you would like, and we can go from there. I know this is something you can’t think about right now so I’ll take care of all the details. Don’t push yourself-you both have to take care of yourselves.”

Nodding his head he looked away from me, staring off into space.

“I keep hoping this is a nightmare, but it’s not. I know I should go into her bedroom, but I can’t bring myself to do it. If there is a note… I can’t read it right now. I’m sorry. I know I should be stronger, but I don’t have any strength left. It’s like she took it all with her.”

My heart was breaking, one miserable shard at a time. I couldn’t bear to see Dillon and Leah like this, and I hated that there was nothing I could say to make it any better. There was no panacea for this situation-only time would give enough distance for it to hurt any less and there was no way to speed the process up.

Laying my hands on his shoulders, I squeezed gently. “Hey, don’t talk like that. You’re in the middle of a living nightmare and you need to cut yourself some slack. She didn’t take your strength with her. You still have it, but right now you need to grieve and let me take care of you. Don’t beat yourself up because it will only make it worse.”

Hanging his head he said, “God, Minnie… I don’t know what we would do without you here.”

Getting back on my feet, I took a step back. “You stay out here for as long as you need to. If there is a note, is it okay if I give it to Leah to read?”

His broken hearted, “Yes” was enough to make me want to cry again, but I held myself together. I think I did a pretty good job of appearing composed as I returned to the house and got Leah a glass of iced tea, but it was a struggle not to scream out when I got into Marissa’s bedroom.

Nothing could have prepared me for how shockingly sterile it was.

There were no more photos on the walls or on the dresser, no real signs that anyone had lived in the room. Her bed was made and atop it sat a box marked, ‘Marissa’s photos’. I quickly realized that she had also emptied her closet and all of her drawers into boxes that were neatly labeled and stacked against the wall on the other side of the room.

My heart stopped when I saw four envelopes sitting on the bureau. One was marked, ‘What to do now,’ while the other three each had one name written in the middle-Dillon’s, Leah’s, and mine. Next to the envelopes were here house keys and cell phone. The only thing missing was the car key she had taken with her when she drove to the spot where she had ended her life.

The horrible realization of what she had done hit me like an asteroid making contact with earth. This wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. She had planned this, had hours to get it together just the way she wanted it.

I left Dillon’s letter on the dresser, knowing it needed to be his decision whether or not to read it now or later. I wouldn’t put any pressure on him by leaving it in an area where he would immediately see it. Closing the door, I took a deep breath and forced myself to remain calm. Returning to the living room, I sat next to Leah and showed her the envelopes.

She clutched the one with her name on it in her hand, but didn’t open it.

“I can’t, not yet. I’m going to put it in my purse and take it home with me. If I read it now… I feel like it will destroy me. Does that make sense?”

It made perfect sense. I had no intention of reading mine just yet either, so I nodded.