Missing (9 page)

Remembering that the ducks and geese needed feeding, she was about to turn from the window when her father spotted her and waved. She stared down at him, her eyes remaining bleak as he walked into the house, disappearing from view. For all she cared he
could
go away for as long as he liked – her friends were coming for the weekend, and it would be much better not to have him around.

Going into her bathroom, she poked about in a basket full of make-up and other stuff, looking for a scrunchie to tie back her hair. Finding a blue velvet one that she’d borrowed from her mother, she stretched it between her fingers, feeling it go tighter and tighter until it almost snapped. Throwing it back, she rummaged around for another, feeling weird and restless and like she wanted to lash out with angry words, or her fists, or anything that might hurt.

Quickly twisting her hair into an old cloth band, she slipped a gilet over her sweater and jeans and ran downstairs to the utility room where they kept the large sacks of bird food. As she scooped the grain into small feeding pails she kicked off her shoes and was just digging her feet into her wellies when her eye was caught by an old Barbour hanging on the back of the door. She stopped and stared at it, feeling a bit sick, like there was something about it that was stirring up horrible things inside her. Then she felt annoyed and frustrated. There was loads of her mother’s stuff around, so this coat was nothing special. In fact, her mother hardly ever wore it – it had only got all shabby like that because it used to belong to Grandma who loved to garden and go out hiking on the moor. She still really missed Grandma, and Grandpa, and felt mad that they’d had to die when she was only ten, but it was OK really, because actually she was fine.

Suddenly she wanted to cry and shout and throw up to get rid of the horrible feelings inside. It was like the time she’d put her arms round her mother, and her
mother
had stroked her hair, but when she’d asked her a question her mother didn’t hear. Kelsey screamed and shouted, but her mother still didn’t hear, and then her dad came and picked her up, telling her she’d had a bad dream, but everything was all right now.

Hearing footsteps she turned away quickly, tucking her jeans into the wellies and retying her hair.

‘Ah, there you are,’ Miles said, coming in with an armful of laundry. ‘Is the machine empty?’

‘I don’t know,’ she answered, keeping her head down.

Dumping the towels and sheets on a large wooden draining board, he opened the washing-machine door and began hauling out a tangle of tablecloths, napkins and tea towels.

‘I’ll sort it out,’ she told him irritably. ‘You can go now.’

There was a brief pause before, using the kind of tone that told her he’d picked up on her bad mood, he said, ‘It won’t take me a moment.’ And sure enough, after pouring in the powder and whizzing round the dial, he turned to her, saying, ‘You know you can come with me. In fact, I’d rather you did.’

‘My friends are coming,’ she reminded him stroppily.

‘You can always put them off.’

‘Yeah, like I’m really going to do that on the day they’re supposed to arrive. What else are they going to do for the weekend? Anyway, even if I did come with you, I’d just be in the way.’

He seemed taken aback. ‘In the way of what?’ he demanded.

She shrugged angrily, her face turning red.

He waited.

In the end she said, ‘So why are you going?’

‘Because I have a lot of things to attend to,’ he reminded her, ‘such as looking through your mother’s papers and checking the mail to see if anything’s turned up that might help us to find her.’

Her eyes flicked back to the coat, and once again she felt weighed down by things that made her feel queasy and strange. ‘Do you think she’s all right?’ she asked with a slight tremble in her voice.

His eyes softened. ‘I’ve told you before, I’m sure of it,’ he replied, wanting to hug her but sensing she wouldn’t welcome it right now.

She turned away to pick up the feed pails.

‘Kelsey, what is it?’ he prompted.

‘What’s what?’ she said tartly.

‘I know you too well young lady, so come on, out with it.’

‘There’s nothing,’ she cried.

Deciding he probably stood a far better chance of her opening up if he backed off and pretended to drop the matter, he said, ‘OK, have it your way. Are you going to come and wave me off?’

Her jaw tightened.

‘Is that a no?’

She slammed her eyes. ‘If I have to,’ she retorted. He didn’t reply, so after a while she peered up from under her fringe and seeing the way his eyebrow was cocked, like he might laugh, she started to redden with rage. ‘You are like,
sooo
annoying,’ she told him, stamping her foot.

‘Come on,’ he said, and putting an arm around her he steered her outside to the courtyard.

‘Where’s Mrs Davies?’ she asked, as they reached the car.

‘The last time I saw her she was cleaning my study.’

‘You remembered to arrange for Mr Davies to pick up my friends?’

‘It’s done. And Mrs Davies has agreed to stay over for the weekend.’

‘Da-ad!’

‘I know you don’t want her to, but you’re too young to be here alone.’

‘Hardly alone when all my friends are going to be here.’

‘All the more reason for Mrs Davies to be around. She won’t get in the way, she’s just going to prepare a few meals and clean up after you, which I don’t imagine you’ll be very happy about doing yourselves. How many have you got coming?’

‘Three. Martha, Poppy and Sadie. You’ve met them all, and their parents, so you won’t have to worry.’

After opening the car door he took her face between his hands and tilted it so he could look into her eyes. ‘I’ll be back on Monday,’ he told her gently, ‘Tuesday at the latest, but if anything happens about Mum, if the police get in touch, or she does …’

Her face darkened. ‘She won’t,’ she snapped.

‘She might.’

Her eyebrows made an imperious arch. ‘Actually, I reckon she’s got another family somewhere,’ she said. ‘One she cares about more than us.’

‘You know that’s not true.’

She turned to stare into the middle distance, struggling with the words that wanted to gush out in a terrible tirade. In the end, all she said was, ‘If you ask me, we’re better off on our own, but I know that’s not what you want, and so what? Who cares?’

Understanding now what was bothering her, he
said,
‘Kelsey, I love you more than anything else in the world, and nothing’s ever going to change that.’

Her mouth tightened.

‘Nothing,’ he repeated firmly.

‘What about
her
?’ she challenged.

‘You’ll always come first.’

‘Oh yeah, like I believe that.’

‘Good, because you should.’

Her attitude remained sulky, until finally she brought her eyes back to his. ‘Yeah, well, I suppose you’re first for me too,’ she said grudgingly.

Smiling, he said, ‘Tell you what, I promise not to hold you to that, because you’re already growing up into a very beautiful young lady and before we know it you’ll be out there in the world, going to university and making a life of your own. You won’t want to be thinking too much about me then.’

At that her eyes widened. ‘What makes you think I’m ever leaving home?’ she demanded. ‘You’re going to need someone to take care of you in your dotage and don’t forget, you’ll be forty-six next birthday.’

Laughing, he gave her a hug and kiss, and got into the car. ‘See the bottom woods over there,’ he said, nodding towards the trees beyond the lake. ‘Prince Charming’s already on his way through, you just can’t see him yet,’ and with a playful wink he started off down the drive.

She stood watching the car right up until the moment it disappeared from view, then swallowing hard she pushed the tears off her cheeks. She always felt sorry after she’d been mean to him, because she loved him more than anyone else in the whole wide world, it was just that sometimes everything
really
got on her nerves.

Anyway, it was dumb to go on standing here like some kid who couldn’t manage without her dad. She had the ducks to feed, and Henrietta the goose to cuddle. Henrietta was bonding well with the other geese Dad had bought to replace her lost family, which was good. They’d all be waiting for their food now, hungry and annoyed that it hadn’t come sooner. She wasn’t going to let them down, because she wasn’t like that. She was like her dad who cared about things and people, and the horrible, frightening feeling she kept getting whenever she saw him go was just stupid. It didn’t mean anything, because she knew he wouldn’t let her down. It was only her mum who took off without telling anyone where she was going, and not bothering to let anyone know when, or even if, she was ever coming back.

‘Hi, it’s me,’ Miles said into his mobile.

There was a moment’s hesitation before Vivienne said, ‘Hi. How are you?’

The sound of her voice brought the image of her more clearly into his mind, making the desire to see her stronger than ever. ‘Fine,’ he answered, glancing across the sprawling wilderness of Salisbury Plain as he drove past, grey and misty and infinitely arcane. ‘How about you?’

‘I’m fine too. Is there any news on Jacqueline?’

‘No. Not yet.’

He could feel her concern, as if it were being spoken in words. It was one of the many things he loved about her, how she’d never failed to understand. More than anyone she’d know what Jacqueline’s disappearance meant, and consequently what he was going through now.

‘How’s Kelsey taking it?’ she asked.

‘She’s worried sick, but trying hard not to show it. Especially to me.’

‘She always was very protective of you.’

His smile was weak. It was a truth he wished he could change, for Kelsey’s sake much more than his own.

‘The police have been in touch with me,’ she told him. ‘They wanted to know where I was the day Jacqueline disappeared.’

His insides sank. ‘Subtle,’ he commented, and flipping down the indicator he pulled out to pass a lorry.

‘I guess they had to ask,’ she said. ‘They were also interested to know if we were still seeing one another.’

‘They asked me that too.’

There was a beat before she said, ‘You sound tired. Where are you?’

‘In the car, on my way to London. I was wondering …’ He took a breath. ‘Would you be free tonight?’

She didn’t answer.

‘Just meet me for a drink,’ he said. ‘I feel like I’m going insane.’

‘I know how hard this is for you, but she’ll be all right. She’ll come back and everything will be fine.’

‘It’ll never be that, and you know it.’

Because she did, he wasn’t surprised by her silence. ‘Vivi. I know it’s been a long time, but nothing’s changed for me.’

‘Please don’t say that.’

‘Why? It’s true. So I’m asking you again …’

‘Miles, you have to know how much I want to be with you, but you’ve got enough to worry about. I’m not going to add to it.’

‘How the hell would you do that?’

‘You know very well. It’ll be too hard for Kelsey, and other things have happened since we were together.’

‘What things?’

‘This isn’t the time to go into them.’

He said no more, instead he let the silence stretch. She was going to change her mind. If he gave her the space to think about it …

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, and a few seconds later he realised the line had gone dead.

He drove on, thinking of her, imagining how she felt, the way they’d laughed and loved … It became so intense that he was almost grateful when his conscience rose up to push the memories aside. It wasn’t that he felt a loyalty to Jacqueline any longer, the time for that had long passed, but his natural instinct to protect her always left him feeling wretched and scarred whenever he considered anything that might hurt her. And loving Vivienne as much as he did, finding happiness with another woman, would always do that.

As Vivienne let go of the receiver she took a deep breath and put her hands to her face. She’d known it would be hard to say no if he asked to see her, but until now she hadn’t actually realised just how hard. The temptation to ring back to say she’d changed her mind was almost overwhelming, but she wouldn’t. She couldn’t …

‘Are you OK?’ Alice asked, finishing her call.

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ Vivienne answered, removing her hands. ‘That was Miles. He asked to see me.’

Alice’s expression showed her concern.

‘Don’t worry, I said no,’ Vivienne assured her, and
getting
to her feet she walked into the kitchen to make some coffee.

Alice came to stand in the door, her lively, freckled face as serious as Vivienne’s.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Vivienne said, filling the kettle.

‘Just tell me, has Jacqueline resurfaced?’

‘Apparently not.’

Alice sighed, and was on the point of muttering something derogatory about the woman when she caught Vivienne’s eye. ‘Did you tell him Justine James has been trying to contact you?’ she asked.

Vivienne shook her head.

Alice watched her spooning coffee into cups, then opening the fridge for the milk. ‘Has he speculated at all on where Jacqueline might be?’ she ventured. ‘Or what might have happened to her?’

‘No, and I didn’t ask. I don’t want to get into it.’

‘What about you? Where do
you
think she could be?’

‘I’ve absolutely no idea.’

Alice turned round as the main door to the office opened and Kayla and Pete came in.

‘I’m going over to the deli,’ Vivienne suddenly announced, and reached for her coat. ‘Does anyone want anything?’

‘I’ve brought some sandwiches back,’ Kayla protested.

‘Photographs,’ Pete said, passing her a large brown envelope that he’d just collected from the post office. ‘And I’ve got the list of choreographers you wanted. Remind me when you’re going to Devon.’

‘Monday, straight from my mother’s,’ Vivienne replied, belting her coat. ‘I’ll be back soon,’ and picking up her mobile she left.

Minutes later she was walking along the towpath, inhaling the salty stench of seaweed that the tide had abandoned on the mudbanks, and feeling the greyness of the sky closing in around her as she dialled her mother’s number.