Missing (46 page)

With a tremulous sigh, Jacqueline rested her chin on Rufus’s head as she gazed thoughtfully at nothing for a while. ‘I couldn’t tell Miles where I was going when I left,’ she said, finally, ‘because at the time I believed, or hoped, that if I disappeared the way Sam did it might lead me to wherever Sam is.’ She smiled indulgently at the notion. ‘That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well, of course it is, but sometimes I think if I can step away from the world, into some kind of parallel universe, I might find the place people go to when they vanish.’ She grimaced at her fancifulness and kissed Rufus’s mass of dark curls. ‘I’ve spent years creating that world for myself,’ she said. ‘I’ve given it people and towns, all kinds of things, including Sam, of course, because this world was too hard to be in. I’d have lost my mind entirely if I’d gone on living with the fear of what he might be suffering. For years I used to wake up at night certain I’d heard him screaming, that he was with people who were doing things to him … Terrible things, and he was screaming for me …’ She broke off, biting her lip to stop it trembling. ‘So I came up with this other world …’

She was lost inside her thoughts now, seeming hardly to notice that Rufus was trying to eat one of the buttons on her coat.

‘I suppose you could say I became caught between
the
two worlds,’ she went on sadly, ‘so I wasn’t able to be a mother to either of my children. Nor a wife. I’m just …’ She stopped and let the words die in her throat.

Torn between pity and the need to take Rufus from her, Vivienne looked on helplessly.

‘I was always so afraid of Miles having another son,’ Jacqueline continued, ‘and now I realise what a blessing it is. He’s been given a second chance, which is only right, because he wasn’t to blame for losing Sam. His punishment has never been just, and now it’s over. A beautiful infant spirit has come to bring him the joy that should always have been his. A son he can watch grow into a man.’

She swallowed and turned her eyes towards the sky outside. ‘For me the punishment will never end, and nor should it. There’s no redemption or forgiveness waiting in the future for me, no second chance, there’s only the eternal hell of never knowing where he is, and how shamefully I failed.’

‘But it wasn’t your fault,’ Vivienne said softly.

‘Not only with him, but with Kelsey too,’ she said, as though Vivienne hadn’t spoken. Then her eyes focused and she started to smile. ‘It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?’ she said. ‘It almost feels like spring. The weather was like this the day Sam was taken.’

As she stood up Vivienne stood too, her arms going instinctively to take Rufus, but Jacqueline seemed not to notice as she carried him across the room to the balcony.

Vivienne watched, fraught with horror, as Jacqueline stepped outside and leaned over to look down at the courtyard below. ‘No!’ she heard herself gasp. ‘Please …’

‘It’s very pretty here,’ Jacqueline commented. ‘I expect you enjoy being close to the river.’

‘Jacqueline … Please …’

Seeming not to hear, Jacqueline hiked Rufus higher in her arms and gazed up into his face. Apparently liking the look of her, he clasped his hands to her cheeks and gave an excited squeal as he squeezed.

Jacqueline murmured something Vivienne couldn’t hear, and sat him on the railing.

Vivienne’s panic erupted. ‘No, stop, please!’ she shouted, dashing forward.

Jacqueline spun round. ‘What is it?’ she cried, clutching Rufus to her.

Vivienne halted.

‘Oh my goodness. You’re afraid,’ Jacqueline gasped. ‘You think …’ Appalled, she looked at Rufus, then turning her head away she thrust him at Vivienne. ‘Please take him,’ she said, her voice strangled with pain.

Grabbing him, Vivienne wrapped him tightly in her arms, her breath coming so fast it was hard to speak. ‘I’m sorry,’ she choked. ‘I didn’t mean … It’s just that he was so close …’

Jacqueline’s hands were over her face. ‘You thought I’d harm him,’ she said brokenly. ‘You thought …’ She lifted her head, and registering how Vivienne was shaking, she said, ‘Yes, of course you did. Look at you. It’s why you didn’t tell Miles you’d had him, you were afraid of me.’ Her eyes were swimming in tears. ‘I can’t be trusted with my own children, so why would you trust me with yours?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Vivienne said sincerely. ‘I just … Oh God, Jacqueline, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s all right, I don’t blame you. You’re not the first.’

Feeling even worse, Vivienne said, ‘Why don’t we go downstairs? I’ll – I’ll make some tea.’

Jacqueline took a breath, attempting to pull herself together. ‘I’m sure you’d rather I left,’ she said, and walking past her she went to pick up her bag.

‘No, please have some tea,’ Vivienne heard herself say.

Jacqueline turned round. ‘I don’t need your pity.’

‘That’s not what I’m offering.’

‘Then what? Friendship?’ She smiled, almost mockingly. ‘You already have everything that should be mine …’

‘No, I have what you turned your back on,’ Vivienne told her. ‘Miles loved you. Kelsey still does.’

At the mention of Kelsey, Jacqueline’s eyes turned away. ‘You’ll take better care of them than I can,’ she said. ‘Time has proved how incapable I am.’

‘Don’t turn your back on Kelsey,’ Vivienne implored. ‘She’s fourteen years old …’

‘You’ll be a much better influence on her than I can …’

‘How can you say that when you don’t even know me?’

Jacqueline’s eyes were sad yet ironic as she said, ‘Almost anyone would do a better job than I have, and if Miles trusts you, there doesn’t seem any reason for me not to.’

‘But you’re her mother.’

‘And not the kind she deserves. She needs a good role model, someone she can confide in, who takes an interest in who she is and what she does in a way I never have. Tell me you won’t do that.’

‘What I will or won’t do isn’t the point …’

‘Oh yes it is. Knowing Kelsey will be taken good
care
of, and not only by her father, is what’s setting us all free. Surely you realise that.’

Afraid of how final this was starting to sound, Vivienne’s voice rang with anger as she said, ‘She doesn’t want me! She wants you. For heaven’s sake, at least speak to her on the phone, and tell her you’re all right.’

Jacqueline only shook her head.

‘Please,’ Vivienne urged, fighting to keep Rufus from springing out of her arms.

Jacqueline watched him, appearing both amused and troubled. ‘He’s getting hungry,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t keep you any longer.’

‘No,’ Vivienne protested, as she began walking towards the stairs. ‘I can’t let you leave here without at least knowing where you’re going.’

Jacqueline stopped. ‘I chose to disappear,’ she said, ‘because I didn’t want to be me any more. For the past fifteen years I’ve been the woman who lost her son; who never stopped looking for him; who refused to give up the hope of finding him. I’ve been pitied, laughed at, scorned, shunned … I’ve even been accused of killing him.’ She dropped her head for a moment as though too tired to go on. Then, hooking her bag higher, she started down the stairs.

Going after her, Vivienne said, ‘Do you still have the mobile phone you registered at my address? Can we contact you on that?’

‘I don’t want to be contacted.’

‘Then why come here?’

When she reached the bottom Jacqueline looked up, her eyes stopping at Rufus. ‘To see you and him,’ she said simply, and leaning forward she kissed Rufus on
the
cheek. ‘You’re a very special little boy,’ she whispered.

As she started to open the door Vivienne darted forward to cover her hand. ‘No!’ she cried, more determined than ever. ‘I’m not letting you go anywhere until you’ve spoken to Kelsey.’

Jacqueline turned to her. ‘You see, you’re already looking out for her,’ she said.

‘Then help me. Don’t just walk out on her. Please talk to her. Tell her she matters. Every child deserves that from their mother.’

Jacqueline’s eyes were untroubled as she said, ‘It’s good to know I’m leaving her in capable hands.’

‘I don’t want her,’ Vivienne insisted. ‘She’s yours. Why would I care what happens to her?’

‘You just do.’

‘You owe her, Jacqueline.’

Jacqueline’s head went to one side.

‘She didn’t ask for any of this. She’s just a child, about to become a woman. You must realise how much she needs you.’

‘She’ll do much better—’

‘Stop making excuses and hiding behind your pain. You can do this, Jacqueline. You can speak to her, and at least try to explain why you find everything so hard.’

‘She knows.’

‘No, she guesses, because you’ve never talked to her about it. She needs to hear it from you, why you’re so afraid to be a mother, but that you love her anyway.’

‘She wouldn’t believe me …’

‘For God’s sake, at least
try
. She’s going through a terrible time and you’re the only one who can really help her. Miles does his best—’

‘OK, you’re right.’

Thrown by the sudden turnaround, Vivienne gasped on the breath she’d taken, and rested her head against Rufus. ‘Does that mean …?’ she whispered, daring to hope.

She heard Jacqueline swallow. ‘Yes, I’ll talk to her,’ she said.

‘Thank you,’ Vivienne breathed. ‘Not for me, for Kelsey.’

Jacqueline’s smile was edged in sadness. ‘I hope she’ll thank you,’ she said, ‘but I don’t think she will.’

‘She doesn’t need to know it was my suggestion.’

‘No, it’s probably best she doesn’t.’

Vivienne stood aside. ‘You can use the phone upstairs in the sitting room,’ she said. ‘It’ll be more private,’ and holding tightly to Rufus she watched Jacqueline start back up the stairs, still hardly able to believe that any of this was actually happening.

Sounding as stunned as Vivienne had expected on being told about Jacqueline’s visit, Miles said, ‘Where is she now?’

‘Upstairs talking to Kelsey on the phone,’ she replied. ‘Please tell me I did the right thing in persuading her to call.’

‘I’m sure you did. I’ve no idea what the outcome will be, but Kelsey needs to hear her, if only to feel satisfied her mother’s really still with us.’

Deciding not to tell him how uneasy Jacqueline had made her about that, at least not yet, Vivienne said, ‘Will you contact the police? Or shall I?’

‘I’ll do it, but they’ll want to speak to you – and her. Do you think you can keep her there?’

‘I don’t know.’ She looked up at the sound of voices
approaching
the front gate. ‘Alice and Angus have just arrived,’ she told him, opening the door before they could ring.

‘Good, because if Kelsey lays into her mother the way only Kelsey can,’ Miles was saying, ‘there’s no knowing what kind of state she might be in after. Incidentally, do you realise it’s Jacqueline’s birthday today?’

Vivienne’s heart contracted. ‘How could I have forgotten?’ she murmured, knowing it was because so much else was going on, but nevertheless … ‘That means it’s Sam’s sixteenth. Do you think it’s connected to why she came here?’

‘I’ve no idea. I gave up trying to work out what’s in her head a long time ago.’

After handing Rufus to Angus, she pointed him and Alice through to the kitchen, saying to Miles, ‘Where are you now?’

‘The London side of Reading. I spoke to Theo a few minutes ago, he’s still with Kelsey, so if you can keep Jacqueline there for another half an hour I’ll come straight to you.’

‘I’ll try.’

‘If she insists on leaving, at least get her to tell you where she’s going.’

‘I’ll do my best. Is it a good idea to let her know you’re on your way, or will that …’

‘No, don’t mention it. You say she seemed calm, but we’ve no idea how long that will last, or how it might change, and knowing I’m about to arrive might trigger something you won’t want to deal with.’

Unsettled by the warning, she said, ‘I’ll leave you to contact the police now, and unless you hear from me again to say she’s left, I’ll see you in half an hour.’

At that Alice turned round, a picture of astonishment.

Vivienne held up a hand to stop her and put a finger to her lips. ‘Jacqueline’s up there,’ she whispered, pointing to the ceiling as she clicked off the phone.

Alice’s jaw dropped as she gave a slow blink, while Angus stopped cuddling Rufus to stare at her.

With an apologetic grimace Vivienne said, ‘I’m afraid the explanation will have to wait, in case she comes down.’

‘But what’s she doing up there?’ Alice demanded under her breath.

‘Phoning Kelsey.’

This time Alice turned to Angus, as though expecting him to step into the breach, but he appeared equally bereft of words.

‘Coffee?’ Vivienne offered. ‘I’ll make some fresh.’

Alice sank down at the dining table. ‘How long’s she been here?’ she asked, keeping her voice low.

‘Half an hour or so.’

Alice glanced at Angus again, still not quite able to take it in. ‘So where’s she been all this time?’ she asked.

‘I’m still not sure exactly.’

‘Is she all right? I mean, stable?’

‘She seems it. At the moment, anyway. Miles is on his way. He left Devon early, because Kelsey’s in Kensington … Ah, that could be the police,’ she said as her mobile started to ring.

‘Ms Kane? It’s DI Sadler,’ the voice at the other end told her. ‘Mr Avery’s just informed me that his wife is with you.’

‘That’s right, Inspector. She’s still speaking to her daughter at the moment. Can I ask her to ring you back?’

‘I’d be more obliged if you could keep her there,’ he
retorted
dryly. ‘We’re contacting the police in Richmond to let them know where she is. Do you have any idea yet where she’s been all this time?’

‘Not really, but I think mainly around this area.’

‘Is she all right?’

‘She seems to be, but I’ve only met her once before, so I don’t have much to go on. Certainly she doesn’t seem very like the woman I’ve heard so much about. She was very gentle with my son, and there’s been nothing aggressive in her manner—’ She glanced up at a noise on the stairs, and seeing Jacqueline coming she was about to say she’d pass him over when she realised it might not be a good thing for Jacqueline to know the police were on their way. So putting a formal note into her voice she said to Sadler, ‘Thank you for your call. If you text me your number that would be very helpful,’ and ringing off without saying goodbye she gave Jacqueline a smile of reassurance as she reached the foot of the stairs, and beckoned her into the kitchen.