Missed Connections (30 page)

“It was the only way I could get you to open up to me. I knew I’d never be anything but a hookup to you. And maybe it was the only way I could open up to you as well. I’m not the best at expressing myself. God, I’m making it sound as though the whole thing was a sordid scheme. It wasn’t.” He runs his hands through his hair. “It just sort of happened, and then I was so, God, so happy you were letting your walls down with me that I couldn’t stop. Just getting to talk to you every day was like an addiction. Our conversations were the best part of my day.”

Mine too. “Were you ever planning on telling me the truth? How long would you have continued the charade?”

“It wasn’t a charade. You have to know that all of it was real, Sarah. I got so wrapped up in you, in the relationship we had online, that I justified it any way I could to keep talking to you. It was new for me too. I didn’t want you to know it was me for sure and freak out, push me away. But I know I let it go too far.”

“Did you get off on it? Knowing that I had no idea it was you? Did you think about it when you were f-fucking me?” Outrage chokes my words. Like my thoughts, nothing is flowing easily, and I wrap my arms around myself, feeling way too exposed.

He looks horrified and takes a step closer. “I’d never… I wanted to come right out and tell you so many times but I was afraid I’d lose you. Maybe it was delusion, or wishful thinking so strong it made me stupid, but I honestly thought you knew it was me—or at least suspected.”

“I had no idea.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t know for a while. I figured that out the night we…the night we were online and…voice chatted.”

Oh God, he means the night we sent each other the pictures and…

He gnaws at his bottom lip. “And I never intended to… I wanted our conversations online to be about everything but sex, but I couldn’t resist. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to show you it was me—to provoke you into confessing you knew it was me. You hadn’t responded to me in person or online for days. By then, I’d wanted to blow the whole thing apart and bring it into the open for so long, but I didn’t know how to tell you.

“And we crossed the line that night, but it felt right. I was swept away by you. It was like a dream—our online emotional connection was enough for you to fall for me. You let me in, found out who I am inside, and it was enough for you. I wasn’t just a body, a rich catch like I am to everyone else.”

Despite hauling in a deep breath to protest, I say nothing. He’s probably right. I had written him off as a sexy body. A bad boy. I’d fallen for the hype and couldn’t see past his looks and what I kept thinking of as his nonstop party lifestyle.

“But then, when we…we connected in that way online as well, and you cried out another man’s name… I’d felt like you were finally seeing me in our conversations and I’d be able to reveal myself. I’d planned on telling you the truth. Then you…” His hand balls into a fist and he presses it to his forehead like he is trying to banish an awful memory. “That night I realized you’d been falling in love thinking I was someone else, and I lost it. I came over, needing to be with you, needing you to see
me
. Needing to be the one in your arms and in your thoughts. Needing
my
name to be the one you sighed. I was going to tell you that night, but you said it didn’t matter. I took the easy way out and didn’t confess. I should have.”

I still remember that awful look in his eyes that night, but I had no idea it was because of me. I can imagine the pain that caused Jack. I’d have been devastated if our positions had been reversed. He had tried to tell me something, but I’d assumed he felt guilty about hooking up with someone else and shut him up with my body. “But how could you string me along like that for so long? Pretending to be two different people?”

He shakes his head and steps closer. “I never pretended anything. I’ve been honest all along, other than not outright telling you it was me. I’ve never lied once.”

I think back over our online talks and he’s right. He never pretended to be anyone other than himself, never gave a fake name or picture. Still. “Do you know what it’s been doing to me, thinking I was hurting two people by not choosing between you and…online you?”

“I’m sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. I just wanted you to give me a chance. The anonymity made it possible for me to be who I am. No preconceived notions, no club or bad-boy persona to get in the way. Still, I’m sorry. I never should have let it go on this long.”

Mind racing, I step away from him and sit on the arm of the couch, holding up my hand for him to not talk for a moment. I can’t believe Jack would go to such lengths to win me over. Is he proud of himself for this? For fooling me? For getting his way? Because I had no idea, and now he’s won and the truth is out. He has to be ecstatic.

But he’s standing here, larger than life…head down, arms crossed like he’s trying to hold in emotions that are trying to blow his body apart. He doesn’t look particularly proud of himself at all, nor very happy about any of this.

So there never was a Blake. Correction, there
is
a Blake, but he just gave me a chocolate bar, rubbed my shoulders once—which was probably more about getting me for a client, not a girlfriend—and told me about Fern and the float. He was concerned about me that day at Inner Space, but not because we were in a relationship. It was because he’s a decent guy. And he got me an amazing job—my escape from the hippies.

He didn’t leave me a Missed Connections post.

He hadn’t admired me from afar.

He wasn’t the one who was there for me every day when I needed someone to talk to, when I got overwhelmed by Inner Space and Phucking Phyllis.

But he saw the Missed Connections up on the computer at work that day. How did Jack find out about that? “How did you know about the Missed Connections? I hid that from everyone. It’s been my guilty pleasure for months.”

“That time right after you moved, when I brought over the things you left at Pete’s?”

That was the day Fern called me, making me go into work on a Sunday. “Right.”

“You got a phone call and went into the bedroom to take it. Your computer was on, and I saw the Missed Connections section was open. That night, I went home and started reading through them, wondering what someone like you saw in them. At first, I’d thought it was some online dating site. I didn’t know if it was something you always read or if it was a one-time thing that you happened to be checking out, but I was intrigued by the whole thing. I posted for you, and you replied a couple of days later.”

“Oh.”

“But…can I ask you something?” He doesn’t look like he really wants to know the answer.

“I guess.”

“Who’s Blake?”

“He’s a massage therapist at Inner Space, but he only works on the weekends.”

“And you guys have a thing? Is it serious? I know it’s really none of my business by any means, but…never mind.” Jack’s face is pale and he doesn’t quite meet my eyes.

“What? No! The timing is what made me think you were him online. I’ve only met Blake a few times. Seeing the ad is what made me think it was Blake.”

“So you’re not together?”

“No. We’ve never…we’ve never dated or kissed or anything.” Strange that it’s not harder to realize Blake was never a part of my life. He was never the guy I was talking to, and it’s telling how easy that is to take, how easy it is to say good-bye to him, even though I thought I was in a deep, committed relationship with him for months. It was Jack all along. It’s always been Jack, even when I thought he was someone else.

But what does that mean? It’s still Jack.

I’ve been in a relationship with him for a while now. Hell, I’ve been in two relationships with him, and the only bad part was when I knew I had to say good-bye to one side of him. Deciding who was better for me was a nearly impossible decision to make. The scorching, panty-melting, sexy Jack or the sensitive, supportive, incredibly good listener, online “Blake.”

But there’s only one Jack, and he’s everything I’ve wanted, everything I’ve had these past months, all in one tight package.

One package with a heart that matches my own. His past is in the past, and I’m the only one who didn’t see that. I’ve been his present since we started talking. The thought of not having him in my future is worse than any traces of doubt I have about this working long-term. It’s worse than the lie of omission he’s so openly apologizing for.

“I’m sorry, Sarah. I’m so, so sorry.”

He’s done something wrong, that’s for damned sure. But he’s also done something right. “Jack?”

“Yeah?” He meets my eyes.

“You should probably go.”

“Okay. God. Okay, if that’s what you want. I know I have it coming. I just hope someday I can be your friend again after all—”

“You should probably
go
take the chicken out of the oven before it dries out,” I interrupt.

He should never have hidden the truth from me. But if he hadn’t done that, would I have known how incredible he is on the inside? I don’t think so. I’d have missed out on the most incredible man I’ve ever known.

His shoulders sag, and he shakes his head like he can’t believe it. I smile and nod when he reaches for me. He runs his hands up my forearms, up to my shoulders, and stands in my space with a fierce love shining in his eyes. Even when he thought I might be seeing another man, he didn’t confess the truth, waiting for me to make the choice instead. Even though it hurt him so deeply. It wasn’t just about what I needed or wanted; he wanted to be more to me than a casual lay. And he is.

I squeeze his biceps. “What you did was dishonest and sneaky. And perfect. You made me truly see you. Who you are on the inside.” There’s so much love in his eyes that it’s like staring at the sun, but I don’t look away. “And that’s pretty hard, considering how distracting your appearance is.”

“So, you’re saying I’ve got a chance?”

“Jack, you don’t need a chance. You’re it for me. But I want to be clear. Your personality? The true you, the person I got to know online, is who I fell for.”

“You proved that by choosing well. Me.” He smiles.

“I’m sorry I never let myself really see you before. I’d be an idiot to let fear get in the way of us.”

His smile dazzles me, and he rests his forehead against mine. “Thank you, Sarah.” He captures one of my hands and kisses my palm. “I love you.”

“But just to be clear: you’re
also
the hot guy with me, because sweet baby Jesus, Jack, the things you do to me…”

He closes his eyes and bites his lip. “I love you.”

I laugh. “You already said that.”

“I wanted to hear it again.” He gives me a big-eyed expression that kicks me in the heart.

“Oh, well, in that case…I love you.” I take a step toward the bedroom and pull him with me. “I love you.” We cross the threshold. “I love you.” When we reach the bed, I lie down and pull him on top of me. “I love you.”

“I could listen to you say that all night.” His breath is warm against my neck. “But right now I’d rather hear you scream my name.”

“If you’re not naked in three seconds…” I gasp at the sharpness when he nips my neck.

“What will you do?” He kisses me deeply and I wrap my arms and legs around his body, grinding against him, shamelessly wanting more, unable to answer his question.

I reach between us and rub him through the fabric of his jeans, reveling in his sudden intake of breath. “I’ll drive you crazy until you give me what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“You. Just you.”

He straddles me and pulls off his T-shirt. When his hands land on the hem of my dress, I lift my hips and let him work it over my body and head. He stands and takes off his jeans while I remove my bra, neither of us looking away from the other.

Jack lays kisses down my body, but I can’t wait anymore. “No.”

“No?”

I urge him down until he’s half lying on me and hook my leg around him, pulling him closer to where I want him. “I need you.” My chest is going to explode if I don’t have him inside me right now. “
Now.
”

“Not yet. I waited so long for you to know it was me, and now you do and it feels like too much all at once. I don’t want to rush it.” His fingers burn a trail down my belly and rub my clit like he said he wanted to do that night we Skyped and I thought he was someone else. It was him then, and him now, and it’s always been him. But I can’t stand the feelings. I want to cry from the frustration of not being joined with this perfect man. Surprise is on my side. I sit up and am able to push him onto his back and climb on top.

“You nearly tore my heart in two by giving me an impossible choice to make. I made it, felt bad that you wouldn’t be in my life anymore, and then I find out that both of my dream guys were you?” I caress his face. “When I say now, I mean
now
.” I reach below me and stroke him a couple of times.

His hands still my hips as I rise above him. “Don’t you want to get a condom?”

“I’m on birth control. It’s just you and me, right?”

He smiles. “Yes.”

Covering his hands with mine, I slowly ease down onto his cock, working my hips at the tight fit, sighing at the heat of him sliding inside me with nothing between us.

“I love your mind, but goddamn, Sarah, those hips give your personality a run for its money.” He grips them, sitting up and running his hands back to cup my ass. His change in position has brought us together again, and I rest my forearms on his shoulders and use his body for leverage, rising up and pushing down on him again and again and again.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” I moan. “You’re perfect.”

His eyes crinkle at the edges, but he kisses me before I can see the smile. He kisses me so deeply, tongue stroking mine so perfectly, that I freeze and pull back. He knows my body better than anyone. We’re kissing and he’s inside me, but the thing that makes me happiest, turns me on the most, is that he knows my heart better than anyone.

And I know his.

His fingertips trace the contours of my cheek. “Be my girlfriend.”

“I already am. I was willing to give up the best sex of my life with the guy I’ve had a crush on for years just for the man who stole my heart online. You’re that man. That’s what matters.”