Miss Lazar Is Bizarre! (3 page)

The next day that kid Robbie who sits in front of me didn't come to school again. Miss Daisy told us he had chicken pox, which is a dumb disease that makes no sense because you can get it even if you never touch a chicken.

After we finished pledging the
allegiance, we made get-well cards for Robbie. Andrea made a picture of a smiling Robbie with butterflies and flowers around him. I made a picture of Robbie sword fighting with a chicken and chopping its head off.

While we were drawing our pictures,
we started talking about Miss Lazar.

“Do you think Miss Lazar is a real superhero?” Ryan asked.

“Well, she
did
kill the ghost in the toilet,” Michael said. “So we know she has super powers.”

“She's got a uniform with letters on it too,” I said. “Superheroes always wear cool uniforms.”

“They always have a secret place they go when they need to be alone,” said Ryan. “Miss Lazar has a secret room down in the basement.”

I didn't think Andrea and her little nosy girlfriends were listening to us, but of course they were.

“You boys are silly dumbheads,” said Andrea. “Miss Lazar isn't a superhero.”

“Yeah,” agreed Emily. “She's just a custodian.”

Andrea thinks she knows everything. But I bet I know a whole lot more about superheroes than she does, because I have lots of superhero comic books at home. And I was sure that Miss Lazar was a superhero.

“Maybe Miss Lazar isn't a custodian at all,” I said. “Did you ever think of that? Superheroes always have a secret identity. Like Superman is really Clark Kent, and Batman is really Bruce Wayne, and Spider-Man is really Peter Parker.

Maybe being a custodian is just Miss Lazar's secret identity.”

“Yeah,” said Ryan. “And maybe Robbie doesn't really have chicken pox, either. Maybe he's locked in the secret room in Miss Lazar's office. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

“Maybe Robbie was the kid who put the crayons down the toilet,” I said. “Maybe he got caught. Miss Lazar told us she keeps the bad kids in the secret room.”

“Stop trying to scare Emily!” said Andrea.

“Remember last year when that kid Steven moved away?” Michael asked. “Maybe he didn't move away at all. Maybe he was bad. Maybe Steven and Robbie are locked in the secret room in Miss Lazar's office.”

“We've got to do something!” said Emily, and she went running out of the class. Emily is weird.

Miss Daisy collected our cards and told us to clean off our desks because it was time for math. I hate math. We are learning multiplication, which makes no sense at all.

“Miss Daisy, I don't understand the three times table,” this girl named Annette said.

“Me neither,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn't know anything. “But don't tell Mr. Klutz. If he finds out I can't do math, I'll get fired.”

Everybody was trying to teach Miss Daisy the three times table. We put three pencils on her desk and told her three times one is three. Then we put three more pencils on her desk and told her three times two is six. Then we put three more pencils on her desk and told her three times three is nine.

“I don't get it,” said Miss Daisy. She must be the dumbest teacher in the history of the world. We had to show her all over again.

While we were doing math, I was thinking about something much more important—Miss Lazar. If she was really a superhero pretending to be a custodian, there was one sure way to find out.

We had to sneak into Miss Lazar's secret room down in the basement.

I wrote this note and slipped it to Michael:

 

Meet after school by the big turtle. We can sneak into Miss Lazar's secret room. Pass note to Ryan.

 

Michael read the note and gave me the thumbs-up sign. Then he passed the note
over to Ryan. Ryan read the note and gave me the thumbs-up sign. Then he put the note in his mouth and started chewing it. Ryan will eat anything, even stuff that is not food. He's weird.

At the end of the day, me and Michael and Ryan met in the playground near the big turtle.

“I just saw Miss Lazar mopping the vomitorium,” said Michael. “She'll be there at least a half an hour.”

“Let's go!” I said.

We snuck back in the school through the side door, being quiet like mice. We tiptoed down the steps to the basement.

“Hey, why did you eat the note?” I whispered to Ryan.

“I had to destroy the evidence so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands,” said Ryan. “I saw somebody do that in a movie once.”

“Good thinking,” I said, even though I think Ryan just likes eating paper.

“Shhh!” Michael shushed.

We slid against the walls and crouched down low so nobody would see us. We were like real secret agents, except we didn't have guns or trench coats. It was cool.

The door to Miss Lazar's office was wide open. We went inside.

“Quick!” Ryan said. “Somebody could come in any minute.”

I went to the door of the secret room. It
was closed. I put my hand on the knob. It turned. I pulled open the door.

It was a little room, not much bigger than a closet. It was dark in there. We couldn't see much. Something was hanging on the walls.

“Turn on the light,” said Michael. I found a switch on the wall.

You'll never guess in a million hundred years what was hanging all over the walls in Miss Lazar's secret room.

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

Toilet bowl plungers!

There must have been about twenty of them! There were big plungers and little plungers. Fat plungers and skinny
plungers. Plungers in every color. Some of them had little cards next to them explaining what company made the plunger or what year it was made.

It was like a museum of toilet bowl plungers!

“Wow!” I said. “Miss Lazar really likes toilet bowl plungers!”

My mom collects glass paperweights, and my uncle Eric collects old radios, but I never heard of anyone who collected toilet bowl plungers. That's a weird thing to collect.

We closed the door to the secret room and got out of there fast.

Miss Lazar is bizarre!

We were in the vomitorium eating lunch the next day. I gave Michael my tuna sandwich, and Ryan gave me his cookies. I told Ryan that he might want to eat a few napkins for dessert, because he likes eating paper so much. He said I should shut up.

Me and Michael and Ryan promised we wouldn't tell anyone about Miss Lazar's weird toilet bowl plunger museum. If she found out that we knew, she would know we snuck into her secret room.

I looked over at the next table where Andrea and her annoying friends sit. It had been a really long time since I bothered her, so I thought that maybe I should bother her to stay in practice.

The only problem was, Andrea had this sad look on her face. She looked so worried, I didn't want to shoot a straw wrapper at her or even hit her on the head with an empty milk carton. Andrea saw me looking, and she came over to our
table with her annoying friend Emily.

“I'm worried about Mr. Klutz,” she said.

“What about him?” I asked.

“I think he's depressed,” Andrea said. “I think he's jealous of Miss Lazar.”

“What?” Ryan said. “You're crazy.”

“Did you see the look on his face when Miss Lazar unclogged the toilet?” Andrea asked. “And when she climbed up to the roof? Did you ever see how he looks when we all cheer for Miss Lazar?”

“He does look kind of sad,” I agreed.

“My mother is a psychologist,” Andrea
said. “She told me all about this stuff. I think Mr. Klutz is depressed because the principal is supposed to rule the school, but everybody acts like Miss Lazar is the big hero all the time. It's almost like Miss Lazar is the
real
principal.”

“You're right,” said Michael.

“We've got to do something,” said Emily.

We thought and thought and thought about what we could do to cheer up Mr. Klutz. Andrea said we should do something that would make Mr. Klutz feel like a hero for a change. Ryan said we should start an emergency. Michael remembered that Miss Lazar has the day off every
Wednesday, and today was Wednesday. If we started an emergency, Mr. Klutz would have to be the hero.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's starting emergencies. So I tried to think of an emergency I could start. That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

“Mr. Klutz said he used to be a rock climber, right?” I asked. “And when Miss Lazar climbed up the school, he said it was simple rock climbing. Well, let's throw something up on the roof of the school. Then we can ask Mr. Klutz to get it!”

“That's a dumb idea,” said Michael.

“That's the dumbest idea in the history of the world,” said Ryan.

“A.J., you're a genius!” said Andrea.

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

“Shut up,” I said.

Luckily it was a nice day, so we had outside recess. We all went out to the playground. Andrea said we could throw her lunch box up on the roof of the school.

I'm the best thrower, so I got the job of throwing Andrea's lunch box up on the roof. The first couple of tries, I didn't
reach the roof, and the lunch box almost hit a window on the second floor. It's hard to throw a lunch box! But finally, on the third try, I got the lunch box up on the roof.

Next we had to get Mr. Klutz. We rushed into school and went down the hall to his office. Mr. Klutz's office is really cool. He has a big snowboarding
poster on the wall and a Foosball table in the corner. When we came in, he was wearing his boxing shorts and punching his punching bag. Mr. Klutz is really good at sports.

We decided that Andrea should do the talking, because she takes acting lessons after school. And it was
her
lunch box that was up on the roof.

“Mr. Klutz!” she said. “We have an emergency! A.J. threw my lunch box up on the roof! My lunch was in it! If I don't eat my lunch, I'll starve and die! We need your help!”

Andrea is a really good actress. She should be in movies.

“I'm so hungry,” added Andrea, rubbing her tummy.

“Why did you throw Andrea's lunch box up on the roof, A.J.?” asked Mr. Klutz.

I didn't think Mr. Klutz was going to ask that. He looked at me. I looked at Andrea. Why did she have to go and tell Mr. Klutz I was the one who threw her
lunch box up on the roof? Andrea looked at me too. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

“My invisible friend told me to do it,” I said.

“Your invisible friend?” said Mr. Klutz.

“Hey, you never told us you had an invisible friend, A.J.,” said Michael.

“Yeah, what's your invisible friend's name?” asked Ryan.

Actually, I wasn't
completely
lying. I
used
to have an invisible friend. But me and my invisible friend got into an argument one day, and after that we weren't friends anymore. I just used him to blame
stuff on when I made mistakes.

“It doesn't matter what the invisible friend's name is!” said Andrea. “Mr. Klutz, we need you to climb up on the roof and get my lunch box. Please, please, pleeeeeeese?”

At first Mr. Klutz didn't want to do it. But I guess Andrea was such a good actress that he took off his boxing gloves and followed us out to the playground. He looked up at the wall of the school.

“It doesn't look too difficult,” Mr. Klutz said. “I used to climb walls like this all the time in my younger days.”

“I bet you can do it,” I said.

Mr. Klutz dug his toe into a crack
between two bricks and started pulling himself up the wall.

“Look!” one of the kids in the playground shouted. “Mr. Klutz is climbing the school!”

All the kids at recess came over to watch. Mr. Klutz was a fast climber. He was already halfway up to the roof.

“It's working like a charm!” Andrea whispered. “Mr. Klutz will be the hero!”

Mr. Klutz got all the way up to the top and climbed on the roof. He found
Andrea's lunch box and tossed it down.

“Hooray!” we all started shouting. “Hooray for Mr. Klutz! Hip hip hooray! He's our hero!”

Mr. Klutz turned around and started lowering himself from the roof. He got a few feet down, and then suddenly he stopped.

“What's the matter, Mr. Klutz?” somebody shouted.

“I—I'm stuck!” he yelled.