Misjudged (14 page)

He turns and situates himself
so he’s fully sitting on my bed, and we’re facing each other again. “You told Neil about what you saw the other day. You got it all wrong, but I don’t blame you for jumping to your own conclusions, almost everybody else has. If you hadn’t told him, then I wouldn’t have him and Ryan helping me right now.”

“They’re helping you? How?” Upon realizing what he means, worry
instantly floods through me. “Oh.” Neil told me it could be dangerous.

“They left around an hour ago. I called Neil a little earlier today and asked if he could go and pick something up for me. I came by to drop off the details
and Ryan told me I should speak with you, so here I am.” His voice is quieter now as he lets out a sigh.

I can’t bel
ieve I haven’t said this sooner, “Neil told me about your girlfriend. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know and …” His face blanches even at the mention of her.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes before placing his hands behind the back of his neck and letting out a deep sigh. “I wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the details, Alexis.”

He reopens his eyes and brings his right arm closer to me, before brushing his fingers lightly over my knee.

“Did her drink get spiked
too? Like mine? Is that why you reacted the way you did at the bar?” He closes his eyes again in response, while running his fingers through his already disheveled hair. I want to know everything that happened, so asking this question is the best place to start.

“Alexis, it was entirely my fault.” He sits himself up and inches closer to me. His eyes are glassy again from the different memories that are obviously running through his mind. “If I’d just stayed with her
…” His voice is laced with anguish as he clenches his eyes shut.

I put my hand on top of his and feel him tense at the contact. “A friend of mine had a band. They were playing at a local event and needed a last minute replacement for the lead singer, so they asked me to fill in,” he begins to explain.

“You sing?” I’m surprised this hasn’t come up in conversation before since Neil and Ryan’s band are on the lookout for another vocalist. I assumed Brandon only played the guitar.

He shakes his head as he lets out a sigh. “I sang. Past
tense. I don’t sing anymore. I haven’t since the night it happened.” He swallows audibly, and his gaze darts around the room before it lands back on mine.

“What did happen?” I search his face and notice the
color in his skin beginning to fade away. “What was her name?”
Don’t push him, Alex. Let him speak when he’s ready.

“Holly. Her name is
…
was
… Holly.” He moves off of my bed and begins pacing the full length of my room briskly, back and forth, and repeatedly. “I looked for her when our set finished but I couldn’t see her anywhere. It was too noisy in the club, so I went outside to call her. When I was outside, I heard her cell phone ringing from a side alley and when I looked … Shit, Alexis, she looked so fucking scared and I didn’t know what was wrong!” His voice is shaky as he answers.

He stops walking, and instead, starts grabbing fistfuls of his hair again. “She was all alone
and I ran straight over to her … she was so pale. That’s when I saw the needle hanging out of her arm … It was then that I realized she was overdosing. She kept saying my name, over and over and over again!” His voice is filled with distress and I just want to hold him, he looks so broken.

I jump up off the bed when I see how distraught he’s become, and notice a single tear falling from his left eye. “Was she a user?” His eyes widen in
what I can only assume to be anger at my question, and I’m worried I just totally pushed way past the line, but I merely want to understand everything he's endured.

“No! She never touched any of that shit!” He’s growling now
but I know he doesn’t mean to be like this. He’s hurting. He needs to get this out and off his chest. “I ripped the needle out of her arm and dialed 911. She was trying to speak … she looked so afraid, but then she started convulsing and … I kept calling out for someone to come and help her, for someone to come and help us! Dammit, Alexis, I couldn’t help her!”

His shoulders sag
and he places his head in his hands as he begins to wipe his tears away. “I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the sidewalk. I could see the ambulance’s lights flashing as they headed towards us, but it was too late … It was too fucking late because the next thing I saw was the light in her eyes dwindling and her lips darkening … I kept calling for her to come back to me! I tried … I fucking tried to get her to come back to me!” He drops to his knees and his whole body starts shaking.

Tears are dripping down my cheeks as he relives every memory, retells every detail, of what he went through. “And then she took her last breath, she took her final breath in my fucking arms!” I
fall down to the floor and wrap my arms around him, pulling him closer so I can try to bring him some sort of comfort.

I feel his entire body trembling while he moans and cries in grief. I don’t know what I can say to make it better, so I just keep holding him until his sobs finally stop.

I never imagined, when Neil had told me some of what had happened, that Brandon was the one who found her. I’m … I don’t actually know how to describe what I’m feeling right now.

He’s still clinging on to me, with his head tucked under my chin. I’m running my hands through his hair softly, hoping this may help to soothe him. His breaths
that I feel over my chest are starting to become more even and his hands, that have been gripping onto me so tightly, are beginning to loosen.

“I’m sorry, Alexis.” He pulls away
and when I see the pain in his eyes, I feel tears brimming in mine again. “I didn’t mean to …” I place my index finger lightly on his lips to stop him from speaking anymore. He’s apologizing to me?

He stands himself up and wipes his hands across his eyes to remove the
fresh tears. Placing his hands on his hips, he lets out a deep breath. I sink back and rest on my heels as I look up at him.

“You look tired.
I shouldn’t have disturbed you. I’m sorry.” He grabs his keys from his pants’ pocket and heads towards the door. “Go back to sleep.”

“Stay with me?” Even I can detect the hint of nervousness in my own voice. His whole body freezes and when he turns around, I see him swallow hard, and his eyes widen at w
hat I’m asking him to do. “It’s just I don’t want you to go just yet, please?” I don’t want him to leave. I know that if he walks out the door now, he may not come back after breaking down in front of me the way he just did.

Every time he appears to lower the high walls he seems to have barricaded around himself, everything makes sense
and I feel connected to him, but then he pulls away and builds them right back up again. I want him to stay so I can hold him, and have him hold me. I want to feel close to him.

He looks conflicted as his eyes land first on me, and then over on the bed. Warily walking over to where I’m still kneeling on the floor, he offers his hand out to me. Taking mine in his, he pulls me on to my feet and gently cups his hand under my jaw
, while stroking his thumb lightly over my cheek. “I really don’t know if that’s a good idea, beautiful,” he answers softly, with sadness lacing his voice and tears still present in his eyes.

Searching his face, I bring my hands up to wipe his tears away lightly with my thumbs. He leans and places his forehead against mine while letting out a small grumble. Closing his eyes, he wraps his arms around my lower back.

“I’m afraid that if you leave now, then … I’m scared you won’t let me in, and you’ll push me away.” I whisper as I slowly bring my hands up and around his neck. He takes a deep breath, while moving his hands onto my hips and squeezing me gently.

“And I’m scared
,” he says in a hoarse whisper, “I’m scared of what and how I’ll feel, if I let you in.”

Dropping his hands from my waist, he steps away from me. I watch him rake his hands back through his hair, and then he lets out a deep breath. He turns so his back is to me, and I feel
my stomach roll from that ever present knot that’s tightening.

He’s going to leave. I know he
is. He’s going to shut me out. I wait for him to say something. I want him to stay.

“I’ll stay
,” he nods his head once before turning back around. There’s uneasiness in his eyes as he makes his way back over to my bed. “But only until you fall asleep.”

Once Brandon gets comfortable on my bed, I lay myself beside him and rest my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. There are no more words spoken, we just hold each other. I can feel and hear his heart
thrashing in his chest and find myself to be drifting off to sleep almost instantly.

Time.

I find myself waking up with a wide smile spreading across my face. The very smile caused by the way Brandon held me in his arms as I drifted off to sleep. Without even opening my eyes, I know it’s morning from the sound of the birds singing outside of my window.

He told me he was only going to stay until I fell asleep, but before I open my eyes, I’m secretly hoping that he changed his mind and that when I turn over, he’ll be lying next to me.

He isn’t.

Disappointment courses through my body when I see the
empty space beside me. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up but at least he stayed, if only for a little while. Letting out a sigh, I glance over at my alarm clock. It’s almost six, and although my classes don’t start until ten today, I’m feeling too restless to stay in bed any longer.

I feel around under my pillow for my cell phone, but find a piece of paper occupying its place instead.

You snore.

A grin immediately forms over
my face and I chuckle at what he’s written. After everything he told me last night and how serious the conversation was, he still managed to mock me before he left. I’m glad. I’m hoping that talking to me about it and opening up has helped him in some way.

I find my cell underneath my other pillow and check for any missed calls or messages, but there aren’t any. I want to message him, although I haven’t any real reason to, especially this early on a Monday morning. Dammit, I’m going to anyway.

Thank you for telling me. I know it was hard for you. Alex X

There. That wasn’t so hard.

I hear something vibrating on my nightstand, and when I look over, I see a cell phone and a watch. He’s still here? Butterflies are soaring through my lower abdomen as I bolt myself upright. The shirt he was wearing last night is neatly folded on the chair by my desk. He stayed. My smile is beaming widely as I jump out of my bed.

Checking my appearance in the mirror, I see someone with a look of contentment
and wearing what is probably the cheesiest grin I’ve ever seen before, staring back at me. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I shrug into my short, black silk dressing robe and head into the living area.

“You have some freaking explaining to do, Miss freaking
gah!” Before I even have a chance to close my bedroom door, Alyssa is dragging me towards the kitchen by my right arm, with what appears to be with the utmost urgency.

“Alyssa!” I gasp when she finally lets go of me. “I thought you were at over at Seth’s?” I rub my arm because that girl has some serious nails going on.
I’m surprised she didn’t draw any blood because of the way she way gripping me so tightly.

She leans herself against th
e refrigerator and glares at me, “He’s being a freakwit. Anyway that’s not why I dragged your ass in here!” She walks over to join me as I fire up the coffee machine.

“So, what’s up?” I try to act as casually as I can
, but he’s still here and I want to hug her or something. He stayed. Yes, I know, I already said that.

“Don’t give me that!”
She wiggles her index finger in front of my nose and narrows her eyes, although from the way they’re sparkling, I can tell she’s excited about something. “Would you care to explain why I was greeted by a half-naked man coming out of your room, when I got home just a few of minutes ago?”

Turning away from her fixated gaze, I fill the machine with some water as I try to evade her questioning, although I know there’s no way of avoiding he
r latest interrogation for long, “Oh, that,” I mumble, while opening the door to the overhead cupboard. I try to reach for a couple of mugs and see from the corner of my eye that she’s shaking her head at me. “Brandon. He …”

“Would love a coffee
.” I hadn’t realized he was within earshot and the sound of his voice makes me jump and step back.

Glancing to my right, I see him leaning against the doorway, with his arms crossed over his chest and his left foot crossed over his right. He’s still shirtless and aiming his smile and eyes firmly over on me. Wow. He is most
definitely a morning person and I quickly avert my eyes, before he catches me staring, again.

Alyssa’s regarding the two of us with suspicion, and I can tell that this particular conversation is far from over. “I want every single freaking detail later, do you hear me?” Her eyes are brightening even more as she attempts to whisper through her clenched teeth. Although, I’m sure it was loud enough for him to hear because he’s raising his eyebrows at the both of us now.

She grins at Brandon while sauntering out of the room, turning back and throwing me a wink over her shoulder, as she allows her eyes to skim over his body for a few seconds really longer than necessary.

I roll my eyes at her ogling before standing on my tiptoes to reach for a couple of mugs. Whoever made these cabinets sure should
’ve thought to make them a little lower. Unless you’re around six feet tall, you don’t have a chance in hell to reach anything up there. As I stretch my arm so I can try to grasp a hold of them, I immediately pause when I feel him come up behind me. His bare chest brushes lightly against my back, and then his arms extend around my sides and in front of me, as he reaches up and grabs a couple of mugs down.

He slowly places them down on the counter and my breath hitches when his arms stay around me
, as he places his hands flat on the countertop. “Thank you, Alexis,” he says with a low voice into my ear, and I automatically close my eyes at the sensation of his breath breezing over me. It makes me wonder if he’d be like this every morning.

With just enough space to turn around and face him, I furrow my eyebrows at him in confusion. He removes one of his hands from behind me and tucks a tendril of my hair behind my ear, before softly tracing his fingers down my neck. “Why are you thanking me?” My voice doesn’t sound right. It’s lower than normal, and my God, this guy
really has an effect on me.

He smiles warmly and closes his eyes for a brief moment. He steps closer
and I feel the kitchen cabinet against my lower back, and his waist pressing ever so slightly against mine. Leaning forward, he moves both of his hands on to my waist and re-opens his eyes.

“I haven’t slept that well since before
…” His voice is quiet and he stops himself from saying anymore, although he doesn’t need to finish what he was about to say. I know what he meant.

“You look refreshed, today,” I tell him as my eyes continue to examine his. “Maybe talking about it helped in some way.” He nods, while stroking his fingers tenderly along the small of my back. The rush of heat I’m experiencing in my lower body from his touch isn’t helping me concentrate on keeping myself steady on my feet.

Hearing voices from the living area, he steps back slowly, and I swear I just saw a flash of disappointment enter his eyes. Damn, I wanted him to kiss me.

I feel a lot happier this morning
than I have in days now that he’s opened up to me, and this morning, I’m thankful that he isn’t pushing me away. I sense we’re going to be getting closer from here on out. I like this feeling,
a lot.

He rakes his left hand
through his hair again, while making his way out the room. I release a small breath and go about preparing our coffee before carrying them through to the main room. I hesitantly walk towards the couches when I see Brandon pacing the floor. Neil and Ryan are sitting there watching him, and don’t appear any happier than Brandon does at this present moment in time.

“What’s going on?” I inquire
, as I carefully place the mugs on the coffee table. Neil lets out a deep breath and looks down at an envelope that’s sitting on his lap. “Did you ...?”

“We went to pick up some files for Brandon
. There’s nothing in them that helps, though.” Ryan looks defeated as he throws himself against the back of the couch.

Turning my gaze back to Brandon, I see he has now stopped pacing the floor, and instead, his hands are on his hips and his head’s tilted
towards the ceiling. His tense shoulders and rigid stance suggest the jovial mood he was exhibiting back in the kitchen is long gone.

“We weren’t expecting you to be over here so early,” Neil sits forward as he aims his question to Brandon. “What time did you get here?” I notice Brandon’s whole body still at Neil’s words.

Ryan flickers his eyes over to me for a split second, and if the look on his face is anything to go by, he knows that Brandon didn’t actually leave last night.

“Alyssa let me in,” Brandon tell
s Neil, and I feel my eyes go wide at what he just said. “Would you be able to stay in bed if you thought you might get the answers you’ve been waiting for, for so long?”

Neil throws the envelope on the table and stands. “No, I probably wouldn’t have even left if I was in your position.” He walks over to Brandon and pats him on the back a couple of times before heading to his room.

Thank goodness for Alyssa and Seth having another argument or we would’ve had to explain that he stayed with me. It’s not so much them knowing that I’m worried about; it’s not as though we were doing anything. I just don’t want them to think I didn’t listen to a word they said the other day, when they told me that it’s for best if I don’t get involved with him.

“You came over without
as much as a shirt?” Ryan’s voice sounds amused as he stands. “Just curious.” He winks and smirks at me, and from this, I think he’s actually coming around to the idea that Brandon and I might, in all actuality be good together, well one day, anyway.

Waiting until after Ryan closes the bathroom door, I pick up Brandon’s coffee and take it over to him. “It’ll get cold,” I say, and watch as he turns to face me. His eyes have lost some of their sparkle, but it’s
completely understandable as to why.

He takes the mug from me and gives me a tight-lipped, “Thanks.” He sounds so low, so…
dejected.
“I better go and grab my shirt.” His shoulders are slouched as he walks slowly by me and back into my room.

Following him, I see him sitting on the edge of my bed with his forearms resting on his knees and his head hanging low. My eyes land on his tattoos
and it’s all beginning to make sense. Loyalty and faithful.

“Can I ask you something?” I sit beside him, keeping my eyes on the black ink
that’s embedded on his skin. He turns to face me. “Did you get those done after Holly died?” He doesn’t answer but just simply nods while letting out a deep sigh.

“I got the faithful one just after she died, righ
t before I got locked in a cell,” his voice is small. I watch as he lays himself back on my bed as he closes his eyes again before continuing. “I got the loyalty one on the same day I got let out. This is why—”

     “You feel guilty.” I lay myself beside him and grab his left hand, entwining our fingers. “This is why you don’t, I mean, why you won’t
…” Why didn’t I see this before now?

He opens his eyes and lifts his ri
ght hand over to my face, and tenderly strokes my left cheek. “I never thought I’d feel the same things again, Alexis. The night of the ball, I thought that… I actually felt like I was the same person I was before.” He turns onto his side and his voice sounds desperate, as though he needs to explain everything he’s thinking and feeling to me. “Wearing the mask, I didn’t feel the guilt. I didn’t feel that exact same guilt that keeps eating away inside of me, every time I think about touching you, every time I think about kissing you, every time I think about what it would be like to make love to you.”

Wow. My heart is thrashing in my chest
and all I want to do is pull him to me. Make love to me? “When you said you used me, that’s what you meant.” I turn my head and train my gaze on the ceiling above me. “You feel like you’re being unfaithful to her.”

“I don’t want to forget her, Alexis. Why should I have the chance to be happy when she’s all alone and six feet underground?” H
e’s still on his side, and resting his head on his raised hand as he looks at me. “She didn’t deserve any of this … I feel like I’m betraying her for wanting so badly to start something with someone else. For … for wanting to start something with you, Alexis.”

My stomach begins tying itself in knots again, knowing he wants the same thing as I do, but not being able to act on it because of his pain, and feelings of remorse. He’s still blaming himself
for what happened. “Brandon, none of this was your fault. She knows it wasn’t you who did that to her. I know you didn’t do it.” I sit myself up and stare into his now glazed eyes.

“Holly was the last person I
… the last person I kissed before you. I wanted normalcy and you gave me that. Shit, Alexis, you stirred up all of these incredible feelings that I didn’t want, but at the same time, I wanted so bad … I despise the way I’ve handled this whole thing but I can’t …” He moves himself off of the bed and lingers by the edge, while his eyes remain fully focused on me.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I climb off my bed and stand in front of him. As he rests his hand softly on the nape of my neck, I whisper, “What? So you’re saying you didn’t kiss any of the women you were sleeping with?”