Miser of Mayfair (2 page)

The agent responsible for the hiring of the staff was a brute of a man called Mr Jonas Palmer. Palmer entered the servants’ wages in his master’s books at a high rate while paying them next to nothing. So far, the young duke had not asked to see the books, but Palmer knew that day would soon come and was prepared for it.

And not one of the servants could leave and find another position. For Palmer had a hold over all of them and wanted to keep them all exactly as they were, so that he could continue to cheat his master. In his many sets of books, locked carefully away where his young master would never find them, he had neatly recorded the actual wages he paid the staff and the details of their backgrounds, which he had carefully collected before hiring each one.

Mr John Rainbird, the butler, had been first footman in Lord Trumpington’s household. He had been found in Lady Trumpington’s bed and dismissed. Despite the fact that her ladyship seemed to be enjoying herself immensely when she was discovered, Rainbird had been discharged and sent out into the world with a bad reference. When Palmer had offered him the job of butler it had seemed too good to be true. The wages were very low and the old duke was a skinflint, but there were good pickings to be made during the Season and the Little Season, the old duke staying at Grosvenor Square but using the house in Clarges Street to entertain. Because he had a morbid feeling that all his guests were thieves, he preferred to invite them to a house where the furniture and objets d’art were not very valuable. After the duke’s death, Rainbird had found his wages cut to the bone. He had gone to Palmer to announce the termination of his employ. Palmer had said that if he did leave, then he, Palmer, would put a notice in the newspapers, warning all future employers of Rainbird’s womanizing character. So Rainbird stayed. He was a slim, well-built man of forty with a clever comedian’s face, sallow and mobile, a long chin, and a pair of sparkling grey eyes.

The cook, Angus MacGregor, who had been a sous chef in a noble milord’s house in Paris just as the French Revolution broke out, had fled to England after watching his master beheaded. When it came to cooking, he was a genius, but his hot-headed Celtic temper had lost him one post after the other. He knew he would never get another post, much as he longed to take a cleaver to Palmer’s fat neck. In his last job, he had thrown a leg of mutton at Lady Blessop after she had sent word down to the kitchens that the leg was badly cooked and that the chef was cheating her.

Housekeeper, Mrs Middleton – the ‘Mrs’ being a courtesy title – was a curate’s daughter, genteel, educated, and fallen on hard times. Forced out into the world upon the death of her father, she had despaired of finding a ladylike post and thought the job as housekeeper at Number 67 had been heaven-sent. Now, much as she wanted to leave, she knew that no one would employ her without a reference.

Footman, Joseph, tall and good-looking, had been dismissed from the Bishop of Burnham’s palace for stealing, and although everyone knew privately the stealing was the result of the bishop’s wife’s penchant for lifting anything that took her fancy from the palace guests, her reputation had to be protected and so Joseph was told by the bishop that he might consider himself very lucky that he had not been sent to prison. Joseph was effeminate and adored the livery that first came with the job in Clarges Street. He could have left and taken a labouring job, but he was inordinately proud of his white hands and declared he would ‘rather starve’, which was what he was now almost doing.

Jenny, the chambermaid, small, quick, and dark, had found her first job at the tall house and could not possibly find another without a good reference. The same went for Alice, the tall, Junoesque housemaid, and the little drab of a between-stairs-cum-scullery-maid, Lizzie.

The pot boy, Dave, was a recent addition. He had run away from his master, a chimney sweep. He received no wages at all because it was Rainbird who had taken pity on the shivering waif when he had found him begging; Palmer did not know of Dave’s existence. The staff at Clarges Street had become Dave’s substitute family, and he never dreamt of leaving them.

On a cold spring night, they were all sitting in the servants’ hall, eating a modest meal of thin soup and stale bread. In palmier days, Rainbird and Mrs Middleton would retire to the housekeeper’s little parlour halfway up the back stairs to take wine. Now they ate what was available with the other servants. Above their heads, the house crouched silent and empty, the rooms full of shrouded furniture.

Usually the servants were a united group – united in their burning resentment against the agent, Palmer. But that evening, the trouble started when the footman, Joseph, minced in from the street and threw himself sulkily down at the table.

‘A pox on these street Arabs,’ he said, holding up one shapely leg in its white silk stocking with the black clock.

‘What did they do?’ asked the Highland cook, MacGregor, spooning watery soup into a bowl.

‘They stuck a pin in meh
calves
to see if they was
real
.’ It was the custom of many footmen to wear wooden calves if Nature had not endowed them with the proper muscular legs considered
de rigueur
in a footman.

‘And are they? Real, I mean,’ said the cook, thumping the bowl of soup in front of Joseph.

‘Course they’re real, you great hairy
thing.
It’s as well
you
aren’t a footman. You would hehv to wear whole oak trees to make up for those spindle shanks of yours,’ tittered Joseph. He picked up his spoon. ‘Faugh! Whatever is this muck?’

‘Mr MacGregor found a cat in the area,’ giggled Jenny, the chambermaid.

‘I’m no’ takin’ any mair insults,’ said the Scotch cook. He picked up a roasting spit and advanced on Joseph.

‘That’s enough,’ said Rainbird sharply. ‘Go and put your head under the pump, Angus. As for you, Joseph, any more of your spite and we’ll put you in skirts.’

‘Jessamy,’ sneered MacGregor.

‘Just because eh hehv a certain elegance, a certain je ne sais quoi, there is no need to mock me.’ Joseph took out a bottle of musk and held it delicately under his nose.

Mrs Middleton seized it. It spilled on the table and the pungent smell of musk mixed with the strong smell of old mutton from the soup.

‘Where did you get this?’ demanded Mrs Middleton. ‘We are supposed to share our pennies for
food
.’

Dave, the pot boy, put a grubby finger in the spilled pool of scent, dabbed it behind his ears, and began to mince up and down. ‘Look at me,’ he said, one little hand on his bony hip. ‘I’m Harriette Wilson.’ Harriette Wilson was London’s leading courtesan, dubbed by one and all The Queen of Tarts.

‘Sit down,’ said Alice, with a toss of her head. ‘I’ll take the birch to you, Dave, see if I don’t.’

‘There’s to be no spending money on anything but food,’ said Rainbird sternly.

‘I couldn’t ’elp it,’ wailed Joseph, a Cockney whine creeping into his voice. ‘I ’ad to ’ave somethink to keep me spirits up. There’s that footman, Luke, next door. They’ve got Lord and Lady Charteris coming and that means routs and parties an’ lots o’ vails. New livery ’e ’ad, too. Looks like a Bond Street Fribble, and so I told ’im. I
’ates
this. Dingy kitchen, dingy food, no fun. You don’t
understand.
’

‘You’re always whining,’ said MacGregor, who had still not forgiven the insult to his legs. ‘Prettifying yourself is all
you
do while I go out and scrounge to try to find us something to eat. What of
my
art? I am the best chef in London and I cannae prove it. I hate all of ye . . .’ He changed into Gaelic and, although no one else could understand what he was saying, it sounded even nastier than it might have in English.

Little Lizzie burst into tears and threw her apron over her head. Rainbird sighed. Lizzie was such a scrap of a thing. They all looked down on her, and yet they were fond of her in their different ways.

MacGregor stopped his cursing and removed his white linen skull cap, where he had hidden a piece of meat, and silently pushed it across the table to the sobbing Lizzie.

Joseph jammed the stopper back in the musk bottle. ‘Have this, Liz,’ he pleaded. ‘Don’t cry.’

‘Stop that row,’ said Rainbird sharply. ‘We are all feeling out of sorts,’ he said in a gentler tone of voice, as Lizzie hiccuped dolefully and lowered her apron.

‘We never said things like that to each other before,’ sobbed Lizzie. ‘Will our luck
never
change?’

‘Not likely to,’ said Jenny, the chambermaid.

‘We could pray,’ said Lizzie.

‘Silly child,’ sighed Rainbird. ‘I’m sure we’ve all prayed.’

‘But proper-like,’ said Lizzie, drying her eyes with her apron. ‘I mean, in a real church.’

‘If you mean the Roman Catholic church,’ said Joseph stiffly, ‘you are the only one of that faith here. The rest of us is too genteel.’

But Lizzie had got hold of the idea of prayer in church and somehow it seemed to cheer her. She clasped her hands together. ‘Oh, Mr Rainbird, could I go to church this evening?’

‘What! And leave me with the dishes?’ demanded MacGregor.

‘
Please
, Mr Rainbird.’

‘There are only a few bowls to wash, Angus,’ said Rainbird. ‘You’d best take Joseph with you, Lizzie. It doesn’t do for a female to be out in the streets alone.’

‘Not me,’ said Joseph hurriedly. ‘I ain’t a papist. What if some of the other footmen should see me going in?’

‘I’ll go myself,’ said Lizzie. ‘I’ll pray proper. Our luck will change. You’ll see.’ She scampered out of the servants’ hall, her wooden clogs making a tremendous racket.

Mrs Middleton shook her head. ‘Poor deluded child,’ she said. ‘My dear father, God rest his soul, always told me we must accept what God sends us.’

‘Well, it’s a pity He sent us Palmer,’ snapped Rainbird.

With her shawl thrown over her head, Lizzie hurried through the dark streets, her flying shadow dancing first before her and then behind in the feeble light of the parish lamps. Soon fashionable London was left behind and the streets became meaner and darker. Pausing only to crouch in the shadow of a doorway when she heard any drunken bloods approaching, Lizzie flew along, her clogs clattering on the pavement. She turned into Soho Square, giving a little sigh of relief as she saw the welcoming bulk of St Patrick’s Church. In her hand, she clutched one treasured penny, enough to buy a candle.

Although she longed with all her heart to pray to God that Joseph might notice her, Lizzie thought of all the servants in Clarges Street and decided she must pray for their future welfare without thinking of anything for herself.

The church was quiet, apart from a few French emigres. Walking slowly so that her clogs would not make too much of a noise, Lizzie paid a penny for a candle and then went to a statue of the Virgin Mary that was near the altar. Lighting the candle, she placed it before the Virgin, sank to her knees, and prayed with all her heart that the curse would be removed from Number 67 Clarges Street and that they would have a tenant for the Season. She prayed for an hour, steadfastly thrusting all thoughts of Joseph away as soon as the tall figure of the footman crept into her mind.

At last she arose, crossed herself, and made her way out into the cold, blustery wind whipping down the narrow streets. Far above the sooty chimneys one tiny little star pricked the sky. Lizzie felt suddenly happy. She knew it was an omen. God had heard her prayers. Now all she had to do was wait.

She walked straight back to Clarges Street, her head held high. No longer did she hide in doorways. Little Lizzie felt an exaltation she had never known before.

When she walked down the dark area steps to the basement, she thought for one heart-stopping moment that her prayers had been answered immediately. There were wild sounds of merriment coming from the servants’ hall. She pushed open the door and went in.

The servants all had glasses of brandy in their hands. They were wildly applauding the cook, who had placed two crossed skewers on the table and, with his long apron hitched up, was performing some weird Highland dance, demonstrating how his buckled shoes never touched either skewer, no matter how much he leapt or pranced.

‘Come in, girl,’ called Rainbird. ‘Angus here was searching in the back of the cellars and found loose bricks in the wall, and behind them he found two bottles of good French brandy. Take a glass and join us. Your prayers have been answered.’

‘I wouldn’t pray for anything like
brandy
,’ said Lizzie, much shocked. ‘But don’t worry, Mr Rainbird. Me and God have taken care of everything.’

Rainbird winked at Mrs Middleton and touched his forehead. Mrs Middleton smiled and nodded, her great white cap bobbing back and forth. ‘Poor child,’ she whispered. ‘She really believes it.’

‘Let her believe it,’ said Rainbird. ‘One of us may as well nourish a little hope. But it’s going to be another long, empty, dreary Season. Nothing will change.’

An unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance.

SHERIDAN,
SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL