Misadventures (10 page)

G
innie phoned me at work one day and asked, ‘Are you any good with problems? Because I've got one and I'm really fed up.' I replied, ‘Well, tell me what it is and I'll tell you what I think.' Ginnie continued, ‘I went to see my doctor because I had earache and she said I had some type of infection and she gave me some drops to put in my ears. After I went swimming my ears got worse so I went back to my doctor and she said I've got to see a specialist because I've now got white spots in my ears and she doesn't know what they are. And the last time I had to see a specialist was when I had a problem with my big toe and I had to have an operation on it. Now I've got to see a specialist again and I don't want an operation
on my ear,' she moaned. I replied, ‘First of all, Ginnie, you shouldn't have gone swimming if you had an ear infection, it probably made things worse. But your doctor doesn't know what those spots in your ears are so she's sending you to someone who will know and I don't think you have a problem because if it was something terrible then I would think she'd recognise it. So it's probably something quite simple.'

Ginnie went to see her specialist a couple of weeks later and phoned me at work after her visit. She said to me, ‘You were right. The specialist said those white spots in my ears were just my ear drop solution drying and sticking together in clumps so there's absolutely nothing wrong with my ears now, and he said to me going swimming wasn't a very good idea but everything should be alright now.'

Ginnie told me she was walking through Wood Green on her weekly shopping trip one Saturday afternoon when a young woman came up to her and asked, ‘Have you got a pound I could have?' Ginnie continued walking up the road and replied, ‘Do I look as though I've just got off a banana boat? What do you mean “have I got a pound”? Have you got a pound to give me?' The woman looked at her in surprise and said, ‘I don't see why you're making such a fuss about it. If I had a pound I'd give it to you.' By this time Ginnie was some distance away and yelled at the
woman, ‘I have to go to work for my money. What are you going to do – spend all day asking people for money? You bloody scrounger. I've seen reports on TV about how you beggars get more money than everybody else.' The woman shouted back, ‘Piss off you old cow.' Ginnie, still walking further away, hollered, ‘Piss off yourself, you fat slag.' They continued hurling abuse at one another until they were out of earshot.

Ginnie phoned me at the office as usual. She said, ‘There's a circus up Ally Pally, do you fancy going?' As I thought this a good idea I agreed and it was left to Ginnie to make the booking.

On the day of the circus we went to the Box Office, only to find Ginnie hadn't kept the reference number, which meant the clerk had difficulty finding our tickets. It would have helped matters if Ginnie had been polite, but she was annoyed and the following fifteen minutes were spent with Ginnie and the clerk exchanging snide remarks whilst he searched his records.

Our tickets located, we entered the Big Top.

The seating consisted of scores of long wooden benches joined together lengthwise. Our seats were in the last row at the back of the tent. Mine was on the end of one bench and Ginnie's was on the other. Ginnie's bench was empty except for a woman some ten feet away with a child on her lap. As soon as the band began to play the woman bounced the child up and down in time to
the beat. This action resulted in Ginnie bouncing up and down too. I thought this to be hysterically funny but Ginnie was not amused. When the music stopped she retaliated by bouncing up and down on her seat. This did not alter the woman's behaviour. Eventually I squeezed up on my seat and Ginnie sat beside me.

A
ndrea amazed Jenny and me. She had a university degree in sociology but worked as a waitress. Jenny said to her, ‘Why don't you write to some companies and tell them your qualifications and ask them if they have a vacancy for you?' Andrea never bothered and continued in her menial job.

Andrea was not very hygienic. After work she would have a quick wash in the bathroom, cleaning just the basics and her dusty feet, leaving a tide mark all around the basin. Each time I shampooed my hair I had to scrub the bowl before using it. She would rarely have a bath. Although Jenny supplied a first class automatic washing machine Andrea would change her bed linen and bath towels very infrequently.

Jenny said to me, ‘Every time I come home I can see Andrea's dirty net curtains upstairs as I come up the path. She hasn't taken them down for months. I'm going to put them in the washing machine a couple of times.' Jenny opened Andrea's bedroom door and found the smell to be so bad she grabbed a bath towel from the airing cupboard and held it over her nose as she removed the curtains. I told her Andrea had spilt a can of lager on to the carpet but Jenny replied, ‘She's just a dirty cow, Sylvia.'

Andrea and I would chat in Jenny's kitchen after work. One evening we were discussing our backgrounds. She told me, ‘My father died soon after I was born and my mother died when I was four so I was brought up by my grandmother. As she's now dead too my only other relative is an aunt I haven't seen for years.' She paused and continued, ‘I felt sorry for my grandmother. She was a very ambitious woman. She had tremendous drive and always wanted to get on in life. Unfortunately for her she married a man who was quite content to have an everyday job and to go up the pub for a drink as his social life. He never achieved anything at all and my grandmother had to settle for life in a council house and a humdrum working-class existence. She died alone and a very bitter woman.'

Andrea and I decided to go out one Friday and
we chose ice-skating in London's West End. We met immediately after work, dining in one of the many restaurants in the area, ending the evening in a local pub. The pub was very crowded. I noticed a group of five young men drinking at the bar. Suddenly four of them grabbed the remaining friend and tried to take his clothes off. The victim fought desperately to keep them on but he was outnumbered and was soon completely naked. His friends eventually tossed his clothes to him and he slowly dressed. The Manager of the pub went over to them and lightly said, ‘Now boys, no more of that. You'll have to settle down.'

Andrea was very keen on a young man called Jonathon whom she had met at a folk club. He would telephone her occasionally but this didn't suit Andrea and she would phone him every week. As Jonathon never asked her for a date she decided to go to the folk club by herself on the night he was usually there. She was delighted to see him and sat down beside him engaging him in conversation. She invited him to sleep at her home that night and Jonathon accepted.

The following morning I woke and heard a strange cough coming from Andrea's room. I wondered who it was and if I'd been mistaken because Andrea did not have men stay overnight. I went to the toilet and saw a large pink condom
floating in the water and I realised that she had a visitor.

I left for work without seeing her and looked forward to my return.

As soon as Andrea and I settled at the kitchen table with mugs of tea I asked her, ‘Who was that feller you had in your room last night?' She laughed and asked, ‘How did you know?' I replied, ‘Well, I heard someone cough and then I saw a pink Johnnie in the loo so I guessed.' Andrea said, ‘That was Jonathon.' I teasingly asked, ‘Did you have a good time?' She laughed and replied, ‘We did but I was a bit embarrassed about the sheets, they could have been cleaner.' She paused and smiled saying, ‘I wonder if Jonathon will see more of me now?'

Jonathon did not telephone her again and was very brief when she called him. He didn't make any dates to see her and Andrea stopped going to the folk club. The relationship ended.

Jenny decided to modernise her house and make a proper home for herself instead of living downstairs in her divided Iounge-cum-bedroom. She said to me, ‘I'm going to take out a second mortgage to pay for everything and I want Andrea's room as my bedroom so I'm going to give her one month's notice and I won't be sorry to see her go.'

On the day Andrea moved out I waited until she had shut the street door behind her and then
examined her room. It was very smelly. I saw an eiderdown draped over the lower half of her bed. Curious, I pulled it off and found two-dozen deep-red circles of blood embedded in the mattress. Jenny returned from shopping a few hours later and I told her what I'd seen. She gasped when she saw the stains and said, ‘Andrea left me her new address so I could send her her deposit. There's no way she's getting a penny out of me. I'll have to get rid of this mattress and on top of that the carpet stinks so I'll have to do something about that as well.' I thought to myself, ‘Did Jonathon see those circles? And how bad were the sheets he slept on?'

A few days later the builders began their work. Jenny said to one of them ‘Can you take the mattress out of my upstairs front room and put it in your skip? I'm sorry about the condition of it but we had someone dirty living here.'

J
enny went to a disco one Friday evening with I her friend Lynne and didn't return home until the early hours of the next day. As I had spent the week working hard and socialising I was tired and went to bed early. I woke the following morning around 9 a.m. and I was sipping my second mug of tea in the kitchen when the telephone rang. I hurried up the stairs to the communal telephone extension and found it was Jenny on the line. She said, ‘I don't know what you're on but do you think you can answer the street doorbell to me in about ten minutes' time?' I replied, ‘Yes, of course. What's the matter?' ‘What's the matter!' she repeated, ‘I'll tell you
what's the matter! I came back from the disco with Lynne about three o'clock this morning and Lynne was going to come in for a quick cup of tea and I found I'd forgotten my key so I rang the street doorbell but it didn't wake you up so both Lynne and me kept ringing the bell, banging on the knocker and yelling through the letterbox and that didn't wake you up either. We were making the most tremendous racket and Lynne said to me, “How is it she can't hear us?” You just didn't wake up so I had no alternative but to go round Lynne's. When I got round Lynne's I telephoned you and I left the phone ringing and ringing and you still didn't wake up and the telephone extension is only on the other side of the wall to where your bed is. I really don't know what you're taking but I've just had to spend the night on Lynne's front room floor because I couldn't get in to my own house. I'll be round in about ten minutes. Since you are now conscious do you reckon you can let me in this time?' I replied, ‘Yes, of course,' as Jenny slammed the phone down.

I replaced the receiver and I laughed and laughed. I let Jenny in when she rang the doorbell. She was still very annoyed and stormed down the hallway into the kitchen. She sat down at the long wooden table and clutched her back and groaned, ‘Oh, I ache like hell.' She said, ‘Lynne's floor was very uncomfortable.' She winced with pain again and I laughed out loud. She said, ‘It
isn't funny, Sylvia!' I said, ‘When I go to sleep at night I don't usually wake up until the following morning and I sleep through thunderstorms and more or less any natural noise. I'm sorry you've had a lousy night but I can see the funny side.'

Jenny's back took several days to get better and the more Jenny winced with pain the more I laughed.

J
enny and Lynne went to Charlie Chan's night-club to dance the night away. Jenny didn't find herself a man but Lynne did. He was a Turk called Ihan and she became his girlfriend.

Ten weeks into their relationship Lynne paid Jenny a visit. They were sitting at the dining table in Jenny's kitchen one Sunday discussing Lynne and Ihan's affair whilst I was cooking my lunch.

Lynne said to Jenny, ‘I think Ihan only wants to know me for sex. Ever since we've been seeing each other I go round to his house three times a week, he never takes me out anywhere, he doesn't even buy a bottle of wine and all we do is bonk each other. He went back to Turkey a
couple of weeks ago for his sister's wedding but he never bought me any type of present. I think he wants me for sex only and isn't very interested in me at all.' Jenny thought for a moment then asked, ‘When did you start having sex with him?' Lynne replied, ‘We had sex in the back of my car after the disco the first evening I met him and every time I've seen him since. I think I'm just being used for somebody to have sex with. What do you think?'