Mind of Her Own

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Mind of Her Own

Copyright © 2013 by Diana Lesire Brandmeyer. All rights reserved.

Cover photograph of blowing papers copyright © by Epoxydude/fstop/Corbis. All rights reserved.

Cover photograph of girl on couch copyright © by Yulia Popkova/iStockphoto. All rights reserved.

Cover and title page designed by Jacqueline L. Nuñez

Published in association with the literary agency of The Steve Laube Agency.

Mind of Her Own
is a work of fiction. Where real people, events, establishments, organizations, or locales appear, they are used fictitiously. All other elements of the novel are drawn from the author’s imagination.

ISBN 978-1-4143-8103-9 (Apple); ISBN 978-1-4143-8102-2 (ePub); ISBN 978-1-4143-8101-5 (Kindle)

Nancy Brown Whitley, thank you for your excitement about Jazz’s story.

Rhonda Langefeld, for being there from the beginning.

Jennifer Tiszai, Jenny Carry, Julie Lessman, Liz Tolsma, Robin Bayne, and Laura V. Hilton, for all your critiques.

Marty C. Lintvedt, thank you for your help on researching retrograde amnesia.

Danika King, thank you for your amazing editor skills and kindness.

Rain pelted the ceiling-to-floor windows of the family room. The grayness of the evening invaded Louisa Copeland’s mind and home. The oversize chair she snuggled in helped hide her surroundings. The thick romance in her hand further darkened her mood as she read how the hero whisked away the heroine for a surprise dinner on some pier. Were there relationships like that? She didn’t know of any.

“Give it to him!” Joey, her five-year-old son, joined the fray as Madison, her twelve-year-old daughter, dangled a plastic horse over the head of Tim, her youngest son, just out of his reach.

Jolted from the fantasy world into the real one, where rainy days turned children into caged animals, Louisa gripped the book tight and took five deep breaths. “Madison, if you don’t give it back to Tim now, I will take your phone away for the rest of the day.”

Madison’s eyes narrowed. “Daddy won’t let you.”

“He isn’t here at the moment. He is working but will be home for dinner, and you can discuss it with him then. But for now give it to Tim.”

“Baby.” Madison sneered at Tim. “Take your stupid horse.”

Problem solved, Louisa retreated into the book to finish the chapter. Done, she sighed and laid the book faceup on the side table next to her reading chair. The love-struck characters standing in front of a houseboat mocked her from the cover and filled her with jealousy. She longed to be the woman between those pages. She closed her eyes, pursed her lips against her hand, and tried to imagine the feel of Collin’s lips on hers.

She couldn’t. Her hand didn’t smell woodsy like Collin. Why would it? They hadn’t slept together in over a week. Not since that hurtful night when he’d accused her of not loving him enough. And until he apologized, he wouldn’t be back in her bed. She wasn’t going to give in this time, even if she did toss and turn all night in that enormous bed because she missed him. But letting him back in her bed without a true “I’m sorry” would mean he’d won, and she couldn’t accept that. He would have to come to her first, and sending her those two dozen roses didn’t count either. She knew he had his secretary call the florist, and Louisa didn’t want a quick-fix apology. No, she wanted a heartfelt, grand gesture of some kind. She hadn’t quite figured out what it would take for Collin to make the sting of his words dissolve, but she knew it would have to come from him, not his office staff.

“Mom? Are you kissing your hand?”

Startled by her son, Louisa felt her face flush. Her thoughts twirled around themselves as she tried to come up with a reason for her action. “I was pretending to be a jellyfish. See?” She put the back of her hand against her lips and wiggled her fingers like tentacles.

“Why?” His serious face moved closer to hers to inspect the gesture.

“Because I was reading a book that has the ocean and jellyfish in it.” She could tell Tim believed her the minute his hand went to his own face. He walked away with his own pretend jellyfish flailing its tentacles.

She considered the morality of lying to her child but dismissed it. Her children didn’t need to know she couldn’t remember how their father’s kisses felt. She and Collin had lost the spark, the excitement and joy. Even their communication had dwindled to no more than a few small phrases—“Where’s the paper?” and “Have you seen my phone?” Did his commitment to her exist any longer? Had he found someone else?

Her head started to pound again from a migraine that had first made its appearance when a save-the-date for her family reunion had arrived in the morning mail. She still couldn’t believe it.
A save-the-date? When did my family get so fancy?
A phone call from her mother had followed minutes later. She demanded that Louisa tell her whether or not she and Collin would be there. An argument had started about Louisa being a snob and not wanting to know her own family, not wanting to spend time with her mother, which then led into why Louisa and Collin weren’t taking the children to church. The call ended with the usual rebuttal of “We will when we find a church we like.”

Her mother always brought out Louisa’s obstinate side. Louisa knew she had that effect on her own daughter, but she wasn’t sure how to fix either problem. She rubbed a thumb knuckle into the center of her forehead the way the neurologist had shown her to ease the pain. She wouldn’t be scratching “clean the van” off her list today. Bending over made the pounding worse.

This morning, Collin had promised he would be home for dinner—for the first time since he’d announced he wanted to make partner this year at his firm. He’d informed her that he would be working extra hours and expected her to take care of the family. So she did her part and his. Then, less than a month later, he’d accused her of loving the children more than she loved him. How could he make that judgment since he was never home? The roses his secretary sent the next day didn’t even make it to a vase. She’d trotted out to the curb and stuffed them in the trash, where he’d see them when he came home that night. Since then, the two of them had lived like oil and vinegar unshaken in a jar.

Thunder rolled and lightning sparked in the distance. Maybe Collin wanted to make amends tonight, and that was why he was making an effort to be home early. Or maybe he wanted to tell her something else, something she might not want to hear. Would she listen? What if he wanted to tell her she wasn’t the kind of wife a partner at his firm would need? She did complain about having to attend office functions. They made her feel small—just a stay-at-home mom. She couldn’t compete with the woman lawyers, especially Emmie, the tall, stick-thin beauty who had an office next to Collin. Louisa could share a recipe or where the best dog park was located, but nothing brilliant or witty crossed her lips anymore. She rose from her chair and walked to the glass door. The waves on the lake had increased in height. Cleo, their dog, was out there somewhere.

Did Collin love someone else? Like a virus, the image of Emmie with her cute clothes and bright smile at the Fourth of July party threaded from Louisa’s mind and invaded her spirit. She swallowed back the fear that rose from her heart and lodged in her throat. That just couldn’t happen. Collin was hers and only hers. He didn’t belong to the firm or anyone else. She had to find a way to make him understand that she did love him, that he came first in her life. She wished she could open up and tell him everything. Maybe then he would . . . no, he would never love her if he knew her secret. No, that story could never be told. She would have to find another way.

The first thing she’d do was prepare a meal so delicious he wouldn’t want to miss another one. She knew it was foolish to put such expectations on her cooking but held out that there might be a fraction of hope, a glimmer of a possibility.

Behind her, Madison shrieked at her brother, lurching Louisa back to her own reality show. “Give me back the remote!”

“It’s my turn!” Joey tried to outshout his sister.

“Yeah, it’s our turn!” four-year-old Tim echoed.

The noise brought fresh, sharp spears of pain to Louisa’s head. With a sigh, she ignored the opportunity to jump into the fray and yell herself. In her stocking feet she crossed the great expanse of the golden oak floor to the kitchen, which was located to the side of the family room. When they first moved in, it had seemed like a great floor plan, all open, but now she regretted having chosen it. It made her always available to the children, and if one room wasn’t picked up, the whole house looked like a mess.

The clock in the entryway chimed five times. The hour had come! If only she could cook like Emeril, she might have a chance to win back her husband’s love—or at least his presence at the table. Then again, Collin might break his promise to her and the kids again and not even come home for dinner.

She flipped through the cookbook that rested on top of a cobalt-blue stand, where it usually sat for looks.

“Mom?” Tim ran circles around the kitchen island. “Joey and me want a snack.”

“Not now.” The page in front of her held a beautiful prospect for a meal, just not one made by her.
Who cooks dinner like this?
She flipped the page. Why had she bought this book? Surely she didn’t think she would ever have time to prepare a dish from it or be able to get her children to eat it. . . . She read the ingredient list. What is jicama?

“Mom, can we have Crunch Squares for dinner?” Tim interrupted her thoughts, tugging on the bottom of her shirt.

Louisa turned her attention from the cookbook pages. She placed her hands on her hips in her don’t-mess-with-me stance and stared down at two small, pleading faces. Her sons craved anything coated or sprinkled with sugar. “Sorry, boys, you cannot have cereal for dinner. You need protein and vegetables so you grow big and strong like your daddy.” She pried Joey’s fingers from the bright orange and red cardboard box.

“The commercial says it has all the vitamins and nutrients we need.” Madison bellowed her opinion from the family room.

“Don’t believe everything you see on TV, Madison.” Making dinner night after night for three kids and Collin had never entered her mind when she said “I do” at the church thirteen years ago. She closed the book, weary of its glossy pictures. She couldn’t pull off a gourmet meal tonight, not with this roaring headache. She’d be better prepared this weekend. Possibly Collin would eat with them Sunday night if she gave him enough notice.

“We’re having grilled chicken.” She looked down at the two waifs standing in front of her. Joey and Tim both frowned in unison. She blinked at their action and shrugged it off. Some days she thought those two had to be twins, even though that was physically impossible since she had given birth to them twelve months apart. “You two, pick up the fort you’ve assembled in the other room. I don’t want to see or step on even one plastic block tonight.”

“It’s not a fort. It’s a space station.” Tim scrunched his face in disgust. “I told you a hundred times, Mom.”

“It’s a grand space station, but you still need to put it away.” She watched them leave the room, thinking a sloth could move faster than those two when it came to cleaning up.

Chicken—that’s what she was doing, wasn’t it? What else should she put on the table? Maybe a salad and mac and cheese, she thought. Yes, that would be best. It would cause less tension around the table if they all had something they liked.

Cleo whimpered at the back door. Her nails scratching against the glass felt like tiny needles pushing into Louisa’s optic nerves. It ratcheted her headache higher on the pain-management scale. She had never wanted a big dog, but Collin wouldn’t settle for anything small. Not even medium size. It had to be a brindled Great Dane, the gentle beast, to make him happy. It didn’t matter to him that
she
would be the one hauling the dog to the vet and puppy day care for socialization and training classes. She tried to ignore the pathetic whining coming through the door. Maybe the kids would let the dog inside.

Peering through the open archway, Louisa checked to see if anyone was moving. She could hear a satisfying plunk of plastic hitting plastic—the boys were picking up like she’d asked. Slow, but at least the rug had begun to appear. She had been cleaning for most of the day and wanted to enjoy an orderly space after dinner. Madison lay on the couch with her head hanging over the end. Her blonde hair almost touched the floor as it moved in time to a music video.

“Madison, let Cleo in before she chews through the door.”

“But, Mom, this is my favorite song,” Madison whined from the couch. “Can’t Joey let her in?”

“No. I told you to do it.” Louisa squatted down in front of the cabinet and grabbed a pot for the macaroni. As it filled with water, she rubbed her temples with her fingers. Cleo scratched against the door again.

Louisa felt herself stiffen as she prepared to go into battle with Madison. She turned to see what her daughter was doing. Madison had stood but had not moved in the direction of the door. Instead she watched the television screen and swayed to the beat of the music.

“Madison, step away from the TV.”

“I’m going. You don’t have to tell me everything twice. I’m not stupid.” She glared at her mother.

This is what the counselor they were seeing called a standoff. She and Collin were supposed to be stern in their commands and follow through with them. Well, she didn’t have any problem with following through, but Collin did. All Madison had to do was turn her lower lip down into a pout and Collin backed off, afraid to upset his little girl.
There was a time when Collin would do anything for me, too,
she thought. Those days disappeared the minute Madison said “Daddy.”

Louisa removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. The intensity of the headache rose. “Thank you, Madison, for promptly doing what I asked.”

Madison clenched her lips tight, straightened her back, and stomped over to the door and yanked it open. Cleo came bounding through, her nails clicking over the wooden floor like fingers on a keyboard. Madison turned, whipping her long hair around like a weapon, and stared at Louisa as if to say,
“I did it. Don’t ask me to do anything else ever again.”

“Thank you.” Louisa slid her glasses back on and smoothed her hair behind her ears. She checked to make sure the boys were still doing as she’d asked. They were making progress.

The clock in the entryway weakly imitated England’s Big Ben at the half-hour mark. It wouldn’t be long before Collin came home. Maybe he would relieve her tonight. A hot bath—no, a long, hot bath, she corrected herself—sounded wonderful if not dreamlike.
Please, God, let him be in a good mood and willing to play with the kids tonight,
she offered in silent prayer. She loved these kids; she really did. It was just that today, with all their requests, they had drained her of the will to live. School had begun less than a month ago. Why the school board felt the teachers needed to take off already for a two-day conference escaped her tonight.

Back in the kitchen, Louisa picked up a glass from the counter, a dribble of milk left in the bottom. A quick rinse under the faucet, and then she placed it in the dishwasher. All the small chores were done. The counter no longer held books, toys, or dirty dishes. Louisa opened the pantry door and caught a cereal box as it fell. She shook it. Almost empty. Someone had been snacking in secret, probably Madison. She reached for the indoor grill on the top shelf. The cord dripped over the edge and dangled in her way. She wrapped it around her hand to keep it out of her face. Standing on tiptoes, she used her fingertips to work the grill out.