Migratory Animals (2 page)

Sitting at her gate, Flannery closed her eyes, readying herself to face her sister, who would be waiting when she arrived in Austin. She thought:
The only thing that will keep me from coming back to this place is if the plane goes down.

T
he ruddy birds arrived inside that slit of morning just before daybreak. It was nearly summer solstice, so the sun came early—before Alyce, who sat holding the image of a looped rope in her mind, felt ready for it.

Alyce was awake because she never slept. These days, every cell in her body was a spring threatening to burst and fly apart like the cuckoo clock in old cartoons. Some nights, like tonight, she fantasized about a noose swinging from the thick rafter that split the ceiling of the cabin. Or she imagined filling her pockets with rocks and walking into the deepest part of the creek. Or pills. Or a fall from the cliff. Or car exhaust. But she wasn't entirely serious. Alyce was a mother. She told herself this:
I am a mother. I am a mother.

The animals at Roadrunner Ranch didn't sleep, either, going about their insomniac lives on the other side of the cracked casement window. Skunks and rabbits scampered along the fence line. Armadillos dug up worms around the porch. A raccoon knocked one of the bird feeders catawampus.

Listening to the armadillo shuttle forward in the grass outside, Alyce sat cross-legged at the workbench in her studio—really the cabin's sitting room—the back of her pale hand scribbled with notes for a wedding shawl: 2 skeins chen. xtra thin, pck of hks, eyelsh lace. Written diagonally up the inside of her forearm were the mathematical calculations to determine how much cloth, the size of the reed,
and how many threads would go in each dent. The wooden table's long indentations were navigated by rows of various bead combinations from her cache, which she kept in the drawers of an old library catalog. But Alyce was not really working. Alyce hadn't really worked in months.

This summer was not the first time she'd been paralyzed by the dark tar pooling inside her brain, but this was the worst it had ever been. Worse than when she had her jaw wired shut at thirteen. Worse than when she spent three months in bed after her eldest son was born.

Baskets heaped with balls of colored silk and wool yarn covered a small table behind her horizontal floor loom, and she dipped her hands into the whites and yellows, closing her eyes, feeling for the softest. Alyce hand-dyed her yarn—in bowls and buckets set up on the porch—because she was obsessed with color: the gullible green of new spring leaves, the piss yellow of old bathtubs. None of her yarn was uniform, but made of subtle gradations: apricot to tangerine to burnt orange. Two weeks before, she'd dyed several skeins using the dried indigo her best friend, Flannery, always brought back from West Africa, and which Alyce first had to ferment to create a deep blue.

Staring out the window just before dawn, as the hidden sun turned the horizon navy, Alyce began to see farther than the patch of manicured lawn out into the field of oak and cedar, eyes half adjusting to the unfolding scene, brain still trapped in the flotsam of sticky daydream, so at first, she wasn't surprised the ground was blanketed by orange half-moons, gentle swells, bright splashes of belly: robins migrating for the breeding season.

There were hundreds, maybe thousands of robins, and they perched on the trees and the fence and on every inch of native grass, transforming the acreage outside into undulating waves of color.
Their bellies were the persimmon of the itchy 1970s sofa in her house growing up, the color of dried blood.

Some of the robins were attracted to the deer corn, and so the thickest concentration of birds was along the jagged line toward the house where Alyce and her dark-eyed sons had laid out the kernels. Alyce knew Texas was on the central migratory flyway; birds returned from wintering in warmer climes, hugging the Mexican coastline, and then flocked into the central United States and Canada where they nested and bred. She also knew the flock of robins was supposed to be beautiful, was supposed to catch her breath with astonishment. Alyce felt nothing.

But her boys would love it. Alyce closed the door to the studio behind her and slipped into her sons' room, waking them in their bunk beds with hands on their shoulders and the word, “Come.”

They went through the kitchen and out the side door, then circled to the front of the house, rounding the porch on tiptoes. The birds ignored them. Her sons, Jake and Ian, crouched in front of her in matching blue-and-white-striped monogrammed pajamas, gifts from Harry's parents; Ian cast an occasional glimpse at his older brother, Jake, to confirm his feeling of wonder. That what he was seeing was real.

Living on this ranch was part of Alyce's most recent arts fellowship, and for the boys, everything was new and wonderful. “The leader's named Roger,” whispered Jake definitively, pointing to a bird settled on a branch of the only tree actually inside the fenced yard. Ian nodded in agreement.

“Sic semper tyrannis!” Alyce said. The boys ignored her.

Jake was wiry and pale like Alyce, but Ian would be different. He was square and squat, even for a three-year-old, and would grow to have the body of a wrestler, she thought. Alyce hoped that whatever
else happened in the years ahead, they would remember this moment and think of her less harshly.

Standing in boxer shorts and a T-shirt, shivering, a hand self-consciously placed on each of her sons' shoulders, Alyce took a deep, full breath in the way her ex-therapist had taught her, but it caught in her throat on the way out as she watched Harry emerge from the other side of the house. He wore a brown canvas jacket, carved walking stick in one hand, tongues sticking out of his unlaced hiking boots. When Alyce looked at her husband, she couldn't make herself feel anger or grief or tenderness or trust.

“Early birds,” Harry whispered, standing above his family on the ledge of the porch. She wondered why he said it that way. There was no “up early” or “up late” for Alyce, just a ceaseless groan of semiconsciousness.

“You, too,” she said, noticing the stink of her own underarms, the greasy sheen of her unwashed hair as she pulled a hand through its tangles.

“I wanted to hike before the heat. And then I saw . . . this,” he said, gesturing at the robins. “Look at them.” She could see it in his face, the way the muscles tensed: her husband had been just as hoodwinked as her sons, perceiving something spectral about the robins' movements en masse, about the ways they formed complex patterns, designs the birds themselves could not have understood on more than an intuitive level.

Alyce came from a family of birders, but she had never been interested in checking off species from a list or watching them gorge at backyard feeders. Rather, flight itself was the reason she'd majored in mechanical engineering in college, specializing in aeronautics, an unsophisticated science compared to how birds migrated long distances based on the earth's magnetic field, big gliders using the thermal
updrafts created during the day, as the heat from the sun rose, and small powered fliers, like robins, preferring to migrate at night when the atmospheric boundary layer was still. Back and forth, back and forth. Just one more way to devour endless days.

Alyce looked at her boys—all three hunkered down, staring out at the field, connected by a web of dumb, guileless awe. Jake and Ian flocked around Harry and each other, forming their own instinctive patterns of flight.

Harry leaned into their sons and said, “We'll have enough robin soup to last the entire winter.” The boys' expressions turned first to horror before scrunching up in the way they did to show their suspicion of grown-ups.

Jake turned and explained patiently to his younger brother that the robins were messengers of a magical army. “I'm going to ride one.”

“What about me?!” cried Ian. The robins started, jumping slightly to the top of a dance beat, before bolting east in a rush of chirps and feathers, eyes and beaks suddenly obscured by wing. Her sons stood to watch orange puzzle pieces converge and fly away.

As the birds freckled the face of the horizon, Alyce pictured the robins that would fly into the windows of skyscrapers, or become caught in the fuselages of airplanes, or simply run out of energy and fall, unable to fly on.

“Jake is going to be sleepy and cranky at school.” Harry began to tie the laces of his boots. “We probably shouldn't wake them up for every little thing.”

“It was cool, though. Right, guys?”

“Pretty cool,” said Jake, now nonchalant.

“You have a very cool mother,” Harry told them, but his voice was strained. He turned to Alyce. “You could have woken me up, you know.”

Alyce lay on the grass and looked at the sky and, from this perspective, Harry appeared as a scarecrow, awkward sticks dressed up to create the illusion of human menace.

Harry sighed. “Don't forget. Someone's coming to drop off the tent and chairs this morning,” he said. They were hosting Flannery's welcome-home party next week—Harry had badgered Alyce into offering up the ranch.

Alyce closed her eyes. “And there are still boxes to unpack. Food to buy. Dishes to wash.”
Breaths to breathe
, she thought. “Have you noticed how we buy food and then eat it, and then have to buy more?”

Harry didn't respond. Alyce opened her eyes and saw the corners of his mouth turned down, the folds in his forehead, the subtle droop of his tired eyelids. For a moment, she wanted to reach out and hug him, but the feeling passed before she could own it.

A scream of delight drew her attention. Alyce sat up. Jake was standing in the yard throwing a horseshoe dangerously close to his brother's head.

“Put those fucking things down,” she hissed, and then clasped a hand to her mouth to catch the vitriol before it escaped. Too late.

“Flapjack time,” said Harry, and with that, the boys dropped everything and lined up to follow him inside, the Pied Piper of Pancakes. His walking stick leaned against the porch swing, forgotten.

Alyce stayed on the ground for a moment, looking out at the trees and sky, wondering if a few of the robins were watching through the brambled cross-stitch of brush, and like her, waiting anxiously for the cover of night.

F
lannery, jet-lagged and half delirious, slumped into her sister Molly's car outside the airport in Austin. They drove past the overturned bowl of pink limestone that was the state capitol building and stopped for lunch at a place called Quack's.

The long narrow bakery echoed with the clanging of silverware and the clicking of computer keyboards; brightly painted wooden tables were shoved close together; dogs, tied to the railing outside, barked as each new person flung open the door, uppercuts of air-conditioning hitting them in the face. The sisters ordered at the counter, then staked out a spot in the corner flush against a bookshelf full of board games. “I hardly slept last night,” said Molly. “You're finally here.” Her sister was two years younger and six inches shorter than Flannery, with darker hair, bigger breasts.

“I didn't sleep, either,” said Flannery. “Dragging myself through Heathrow at three in the morning might have had something to do with that.” She interlaced her fingers with Molly's and leaned forward.

“I wouldn't let Dad pick you up—wanted you to myself first,” Molly said, “but I did tell him that you and I would drive out to Abilene this weekend. Hope that's okay. . . .” Flannery listened to the stream of words, letting them flow through her, feeling the warmth that bubbled up whenever she first saw her sister, before the bickering and confused feelings resurfaced. “He could come here, but he hates new Austin and just spends all day bitching about
the traffic and the yuppies and drives Brandon and me up the wall. Papa's cooking now, you wouldn't believe it, and he's not a total catastrophe. Nothing too fancy, but . . .” Molly put her hand over her mouth and laughed. The two sisters looked at each other.

“Too bad Kunle couldn't come,” Molly said.

“Actually, he has an interview at the consulate in a few weeks for a visa and we're hoping—”

“Hey, sorry, but I've got to pee. Listen for our number, Flan-cakes.” Molly almost knocked over her chair as she rose and turned, threading her way through the tables toward the back.

Molly and Kunle had never met in person, just on the computer. Once, when Flannery dragged him into the bedroom to video chat with Molly while she went to answer a knock at the door, her sister asked about the three parallel scars on the side of Kunle's face. Flannery overheard them from the other room.

“All future kings of the Yoruba are born with them. It's a sign of royalty.”

“Born with, huh?”

“Only joking. They came from a fight with my brother. Flannery told you I was raised by a pack of lions,
abi
?”

“What?!”

From the hallway, Flannery had cocked her head in wonder. Maybe he believed Molly would think him savage or primitive if he told the truth.

The sandwiches at Quack's arrived in plastic baskets lined with wax paper. Flannery was in the middle of taking a bite when her sister emerged from the bathroom door across the bakery. She saw it in Molly immediately. It struck like a bullet. Her sister walked toward her, swaying a little from side to side, a flashback of their mother, tilting back and forth like a toddler not yet comfortable with how the steps transition one into another.

Molly smiled as she moved forward, oblivious in her amber beads and blue jeans. She was beautiful—she'd always been the pretty one—and Flannery wanted to stop her, to freeze the moment, or at least slow the ticking off of seconds: the red of the bathroom door as it clicked shut; the smeary fingerprints on the display window housing glittery confections; the flick of a customer's wrist as he tossed coins into the tip jar on the counter; the way the coins jangled as they hit bottom.