Midnight Movie: A Novel (23 page)

Welcome to the Truth About Zombies

June 30, 2009

I don’t know how this hasn’t made the mainstream news. It’s such bullshit. The government or somebody has to be telling the media what to air and what not to air, because if they were doing their jobs, if things were right, CNN would be all up in our asses. It’s the middle of the afternoon, and the streets of Laredo are empty. It’s not like Laredo was a bustling metropolis or anything, but there were always people out and about, doing their shopping or whatever. Now, nothing. Everybody’s probably hiding in their basement, like they’re expecting a tornado. I’m the only moron at street level, but somebody has to report the news, and it may as well be me.

So what have I seen firsthand? Well, last night, right around 11:00, a 5′3″ white woman ran up to a 6′5″ black man and killed him with her bare hands in probably thirty seconds. Then when he was on the ground, she pulled off his head, also with her bare hands. (I should mention that the spinal column came with it. But after what I’ve seen over the last two weeks, that didn’t even faze me a little bit.) Then she stuck her face in his open neck hole and went to town. I could hear the slurping from down the block. A couple hours later, I saw the black guy shuffling down Northpoint Drive. His head was back on, but at a weird angle. Again, totally not fazed.

What else? Oh, yesterday afternoon, my high school junior-year ethics teacher, Mrs. Crampton, who had to be seventy-four when I took her class in 2000, put her hands through the plate glass window at a clothing store in Mall del Norte and yanked out one of the mannequins, then tried to eat it. Her teeth flew everywhere. One thing I’m realizing is that zombies, while scary, and smelly, and strong as all get-out, aren’t particularly bright. I think they can be outfoxed. I haven’t figured out how, but when I do, I’ll post it here.

If somebody’s reading this and they want to communicate, BBM or SMS me at (956) 472-****. But don’t reach out if you’re going to waste my time.

George from Laredo, TX

June 30, 1:51 PM

I’m almost dead. I can feel it in me. I can feel it taking overrrrr. It’s awfu;;;;;l. If you see one of them, ruars awaq. Fasdjsfkl;lkjfadsfjldfjsfjkl.fjkdlsa;jfkdls;afjfkld;saka. HeLP Afdsjklladfksdfjklslkjfas goodbee goodbye gooooooooooooooooooo

loewfqhof from Biloxi, MS

June 30, 5:13 PM

Let’s start from scratch. Let’s tear the roof off this mother. Let’s burn baby burn. Let’s burn down the house. Let’s kick out the jams. Let me hear some of that rock ’n’ roll music. The world is my oyster, the world is my bitch, I’m still alive, so scratch my motherfucking itch.

Everybody’s dying. All I’m doing is speeding things along.

Back to work. Lots to do.

Charles Starkweather from Everywhere, NY

June 30, 6:02 PM

THE AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN

JULY 3, 2009

OBITUARIES

RECENT OBITUARIES AND DEATH NOTICES

Andrea Dale Daltrey, age 20, passed away July 1, 2009. Our baby girl was called home by our Lord and Savior way too soon for those of us who remain. Andi was a vibrant and spirited young lady who lit up any room with her beautiful smile and outgoing personality. She had goals and ambitions for life that she will not achieve, including earning a college degree from the same school from which her mother graduated. Although she was unable to complete her goals and aspirations here on earth, they will be fulfilled in the arms of our Heavenly Father. She’ll forever remain a bright light in our memories and will always be her daddy’s little girl, her momma’s angel princess, and her sister’s darling best friend. The family will receive friends from 4:00
P.M
. to 7:00
P.M.
, July 5, 2009, at Harrell Funeral Home, Kyle, TX. Recital of the Holy Rosary will be at 7:00
P.M
. Funeral service will be at 2:00
P.M.
, Thursday, July 6, 2009, at St. Anthony Catholic Church, Kyle, TX, with Father Howard Goertz officiating. Burial will follow at Phillips Cemetery, Dripping Springs, TX. A candlelight vigil will be held at Buda City park at 9:00
P.M.
, July 8, 2009.

Justin Abrams, junior

Robert Beasley, sophomore

Philip Carrison, sophomore

Julia Gorley, junior

Irina Gretzic, senior

Donnell Hardaway, freshman

Francis Quinn, senior

Tucker Smith, junior