Messed Up (26 page)

When he returned from the kitchen, Levi gently pushed me back onto my pillows. My body flinched as in anticipation of him pulling my hair again. He ignored my reaction, and carefully placed his body on top of mine. I commanded myself to relax. Don’t make him mad, I told myself sternly. He traced my face with the tip of his finger, slowly and lightly. His finger paused at the plum colored half-circle under my eye.

“
You actually make this look pretty cute,” he smiled. Half of me wanted to scream at this ludicrous and vile comment, but then there was the other half. The slowly emerging side of me that I always knew existed but had worked so hard to suppress. That dim-witted person who actually appreciated the compliment, more than appreciated it, relished in it. It was that foolish side of me that accepted Levi’s kiss with gratitude.

He pressed his lips delicately to mine. I felt a stab of pain, but ignored it as I reciprocated his touch. Levi’s tongue gently traced my lips and then entered my mouth. We kissed slowly and deeply. My breathing began picking up speed, as I allowed my mind to go blank. I tasted the metallic salty flavor before I realized what it was.

Levi pulled his head back and pressed the sleeve of his shirt gingerly to my lip where it had begun to bleed, “I hurt you,” he said in the silkiest voice I’d heard him use in weeks, “I’m so sorry.”

You didn’t seem so sorry when you smashed in my face last night, I thought glumly but what I said was, “It’s okay, Levi.”

“
Hey,” he said rolling off of me and grabbing his backpack, “I almost forgot. I have something for you.”

“
Thanks for the flowers, by the way” I said, remembering.

“
I think you’ll like this even more,” he handed me a long thin box the color that was unmistakably Tiffany blue.

“
Levi!” I exclaimed in a quiet and stunned tone, “This is too much.”

“
You deserve it for putting up with me,” he smiled, “Open it.”

I lifted the lid off the box and inside was another box. This one was the black velvet that signified jewelry. I gently flipped it open and staring up at me was a necklace. It was a simple silver chain, and on it hung one large diamond encircled by at least ten smaller diamonds. The whole pendent was about the size of a dime. I smiled down at it.

“
It’s perfect,” I muttered, “exactly what I would have chosen.” And it was, too.

25

I would be lying if I said that the necklace in all its sparkly glory didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I began to forgive Levi that night. That was part of it, the other more formidable piece was that absolving Levi was really my only option. Either that or I be with somebody that I despised; breaking up with him was not an alternative that I could risk. Breaking up with him would mean putting Conner in danger. Besides, when Levi wasn’t smashing my head against a car or backhanding me on the side of the road, he could be incredibly sweet. And then of course there was his amazing face and body that any girl with working eyeballs would have a difficult time resisting. So with all that, forgiving him was the option I took.

Levi stayed at my house for the next couple of days. We mainly lounged around in my bed watching movies and making out. Levi would venture out every now and then for provisions. It went without question that I wouldn’t be leaving the house. My black eye had turned from purple to a greenish-yellow color, and it was getting smaller, but it would still be obvious, even under sunglasses. So I was pretty much house-bound. Levi had made Bryce agree to take my shifts at Yogurt Heaven until the end of the week, so I had that covered.

I was, for the most part, successful at convincing myself that everything was normal between me and Levi, but in reality I was on house arrest. He had taken my phone, I’m assuming during my time with the little white pills, and kept it in his pocket. I noticed it ringing a lot. He’d check the caller ID and then switch off the ringer. Only once did he give me my phone when it rang, and that was when my mom had called from somewhere in Utah. I guessed that he assumed, correctly, that I wouldn’t burden my parents with the truth.

On the rare occasions that Levi did leave me alone, he would have his friends, usually James, stakeout my house from their cars. I reasoned that he would only keep this up while I was regaining his trust, this CIA-like espionage couldn’t go on forever. I did what I could to prove to Levi that I was only interested in him, and that I had no intention of trying to contact Conner. I knew, however, that I would have to talk to Conner sooner than later. So on the morning of the third day after the camping trip, I gathered my courage and asked Levi if I could use my phone.

“
Levi,” I said in a casual voice from the kitchen, he was sitting at the dining room table studying the newspaper, “I should probably talk to Conner, so I can tell him not to call me anymore.”

“
Um…” he mumbled, I wasn’t sure if he had heard me, anxiety surged through my spine as I braced myself for a confrontation.

“
If he doesn’t hear from me soon,” I continued in a louder voice, “I’m afraid he might come over. I’d rather talk to him on the phone.”

Levi stood up and moved into our tiny galley kitchen, his body blocking my exit. I could feel myself preparing for impact, but then he handed me my phone, “Call him,” his voice was all business, “Tell him whatever you want, but know that this is his only chance. If he tries to see you, I’ll have to step in and prove I’m serious,” he paused and then smiled gently, “You understand, don’t you Punky?”

I nodded weakly and moved to leave the kitchen. I wanted to be alone for this phone call. Levi stopped me cold, “Stay here,” he commanded as he grabbed my arm. A sharp pain hit me as he dug his thumb and forefinger into my bicep muscle, “I need to see your face while you talk to him,” he said in a calm voice that did not match the intensity of his grip.

I leaned back against the counter as I dialed Conner’s number. My hope of getting a voicemail was dashed when he picked up after half a ring.

“
Chelsea!” he exclaimed, “I have been so worried about you. Are you okay?”

“
Hey Conner,” I said dully, “I’m good. Sorry I didn’t call you back. Levi and I have been super busy,” I glanced up at Levi who was watching me with a grimace on his face. I took a deep breath and continued, “Listen Conner, I don’t really know how to say this, but I’ve decided that it would be best if we don’t hang out anymore,” as I spoke I felt a sickness in the deepest pit of my stomach. I knew that the words I was saying were going be more hurtful to me than to him. Conner would be okay, I was the one who had let the devil into my heart and now was paying the price with my happiness.

“
I don’t understand,” he said in a soft voice, “Why are you doing this?”

I also knew that what I was about to say was going to get me in trouble with Levi, that I might pay for my half truth in blood, but it was the only thing that would make sense to Conner. I looked up at Levi and stared directly into his eyes for what felt like the first time in days, “Conner, I had to choose one of you. I can’t trust myself to just be your friend anymore. I could tell my feelings for you were beginning to grow, and that it was only a matter of time before I acted on them.”

Conner was silent.

“
But I love Levi,” the words felt like they were wrapped in barbed wire as they made their way up my throat and out of my mouth, “If you care about me, you’ll understand this is the only way it can be.”

“
I don’t believe you,” he said in a near whisper, “I don’t believe that you love him so much that you would end our friendship. That’s not you Chelsea.”

“
Please Conner,” my voice began to crack as my tears began to build, “Please just understand.”

He took a deep breath, “I don’t understand, but I won’t bother you anymore if that’s what you want.”

“
It is,” I said, tears beginning to run down my face, “Bye Conner.” I love you, I thought as I shut my phone and threw it forcefully at Levi. It bounced off his hard chest and broke into two pieces as it hit the linoleum floor, “Happy now?” I yelled as I tried to push my way past him. Apparently my patience with this whole helpless prisoner act was beginning to wane.

Levi reached out and indifferently grabbed my arm, twisting it behind my back. I felt my shoulder begin to pop from its socket as I struggled to release myself from his grip, “Do you think it makes me happy to hear that you were falling for that little piece of shit?” he asked rhetorically, his voice slipping into the vile tone I recognized all too well.

As he said spoke he forced my arm back with more power. I closed my eyes and bit my teeth together to keep myself from screaming in pain. I would not allow him the satisfaction, besides the physical pain was actually presenting itself as a relief from the searing emotional throbbing that was welling up inside of me. We stood like that, in a stand-off, for what seemed like a millennium. Who would break first? Would I beg him to stop the pain or would he release me?

Finally, I won. Levi let go of my arm and I stumbled forward. Regaining my balance I ran into my bedroom. I locked the door and sank to the floor. I allowed myself to feel the full impact of my hopeless situation, crying silently into my hands.

I could hear Levi’s footsteps outside the door. He sat down on the floor in the hallway. I could picture him leaning his back against the wall. I wondered how mad he was at me for my outburst. What was his plan for teaching me a lesson this time? I didn’t honestly care. I’d spared Conner and destroyed my friendship in the process. What more could he do to me?

Levi tapped on the door lightly, “I hate to see you like this, Punky” he said in his silky tone, “Can I please come in?”

I reached for the door handle. Why put off the inevitable, I thought, as I turned it slowly. When the door swung open I found we were face to face, both on the floor. Levi pulled me into his arms. His touch was gentle but the ease at which he could move me was a reminder of how his strength was no match for my own. He kissed my sore shoulder with his soft lips. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see him pretending to care about the pain he’d just inflicted upon me.

“
Were you really beginning to fall for him?” Levi asked. In his voice I could hear a tiny trace of pain, as if it really mattered. Who was he kidding?

“
No,” I lied, “I just said that to make it sound more believable.” What was the use in fighting? It wouldn’t make any difference at this point, “I only love you Levi,” I felt like a robot reciting the lines that I had been programmed to say. My fleeting spirit to fight back had disappeared as quickly as it had materialized.

He began kissing my lips and I limply reciprocated. Levi carried me to my bed, positioning his body on top of mine. I let myself go numb, not thinking about his hand that was unfastening my bra and pulling my shirt over my head. I concentrated instead on the sound of cars driving down my street and a leaf blower buzzing at my neighbor’s house. His hand moved down the front of my pants, pushing its way between my underwear and skin. I heard birds chirping and a little kid ringing the bell on his bike. Levi’s finger pushed inside of me, deeply and slowly. I focused my eyes on the ceiling, noticing how its texture looked like mountains with peaks and valleys. The pressure increased as another finger entered me. I drew in a quick breath at the intensity of the stinging that shot up my body. Levi took this as an indication of pleasure and increased his tempo, his fingers moving in and out more quickly.

I could hear his hot breath in my ear as he whispered, “I love you, Chelsea.”

I tried to regain control of my thoughts, but the truth of the situation began to enter my mind. Was this it? Was he going to have sex with me? I knew when he decided to, I would have little choice, if any. I ran through my sister’s check list. Is he faithful? Nope, I was now sure the conversation I’d over-heard between Camille and Mandy was not a set up. Do I trust him? Definitely not. Do I love him? That was the sickest part of the whole thing. I think part of me did.

I felt Levi slowly pull his hand out of my pants. He rolled over, pulling me on top of him so that our naked chests were pressed together. I could feel his breathing begin to slow as he kissed me more gently and caressed my back with the tips of his fingers. I lay my head on him, listening to his heart calming, thumping in his chest. It was over, I thought with relief, it wasn’t going to happen today.

“
I’m sorry,” he said smiling, “I had to stop before we went too far. I want your first time to be perfect, not after a fight like that.”

I kissed his chest. There it was, I thought, a tiny remnant of the Levi that I had fallen in love with, the one who seemed intent on making me happy, impressing me, “Thanks,” I whispered.

“
I think we need to get out of this house,” he said after a short silence, “I’m going to take you out tonight.”

“
I don’t know Levi, my eye…” my voice trailed off.

“
I’ll take care of that,” he said climbing out of bed. He pulled his shirt over his head and began texting rapidly on his phone, “I happen to know a make-up artist,” he smiled not looking up, “Camille will have you looking back to normal in no time.”

26

When I was in the seventh grade I had the biggest curmudgeon of a typing teacher that middle schools had to offer. His name was Mr. Reynolds. He was a stickler for the rules, with no exceptions. After forgetting my typing homework in my locker for the third time he sentenced me to Saturday school. This weekend version of detention was normally reserved for the worst of the worst; kids who were caught smoking by the bridge or who had vandalized their desks with compasses during math class, but certainly not for a straight A student like me.