McCann's Manor (16 page)

John ducked his head. “I'm sorry I doubted you. I just couldn't believe you had found the passage to the library and I didn't even know it existed."

"It's all right,” she assured him. “For a minute there, I was in need of a reality check, too—because I sure remembered it being there this morning."

"Speaking of this morning—it has been a long day,” Kim said. “I hate to be a spoil-sport, but I think I would like to slip into something more comfy and putter around up in my room."

"Want something to eat?” Liz asked.

"No, thanks. Wade and I had a nice lunch and then I ate one of those awful hamburgers at Tiny's with the group for dinner. I have had enough to eat for one day, I assure you."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you later. Probably Ghost would like to go out, though. I put the beasties upstairs in my room and forgot all about them in all the chaos that went on here. If you will send him downstairs, I'll let him out for a while,” Liz offered.

"Right. Later. Good night, John."

"Good night, Kim. Rest well."

Kim went up the stairs and out of sight. In a moment, the white Peke appeared at the top of the stairs. “Hey, Ghost, want to go outside. Come on, boy,” she coaxed. Ghost picked his way down the stairs, negotiating the steps one at a time.

John looked on in amusement. “Takes his own sweet time, doesn't he?"

Liz laughed. “That is because he is front heavy. Once he was sitting in Kim's lap at the drive-through at the Wendy's. He leaned out too far and the next thing he knew, he was standing on the ground looking around. His poor little head is the biggest part of his body."

"Oh, that must be a bummer,” John observed.

"Yeah, must be,” she agreed. “He's pretty good about just ignoring it and going on with his life, though. Good dog. Come on; let's go for your romp. I have to keep an eye on him so he doesn't take himself for a walk too far away. Care to join us? We can go to the herb garden since it is fenced."

John followed Liz and the dog to the door. “Yes, thanks, it is a nice evening. A walk would be nice."

They strolled into the garden along the walkway. The moon was rising over the trees as they made their way along the pathway. “This was a beautiful garden at one time, I can tell,” Liz said, breaking the silence.

"Yes, Betty and Missy tended it themselves. Missy was quite a horticulturist. Anything she planted would grow. There were the remains of an herb garden gone wild when they moved in here; Betty cleaned it up and Leonard hired a man to put in the walk through here. I think a lot of the original plants must have been put in by McCann himself.” He leaned down and pinched off a bit of mint, sniffed it, handed it to Liz.

Liz savored the heady scent. “Mm—nice. Wonder what kind of mint that is?"

John scratched his head, “Sorry, but I'm not the one to ask. All I know is that they planted every kind of herb they could find. It was beautiful in the spring and summer. The smell was so incredible. Of course, the grounds haven't been taken very good care of since Betty moved out. She wanted the house to be the top priority. I have a yard man come every couple of weeks to mow and water, but the gardens don't get much tending other than an occasional watering."

"Kim and I can get it back into shape. It is nice to have an herb garden. John—” she said as she stopped walking, looked up at him.

"Yes?"

"I don't know how to talk to you about Missy. I'm afraid I may have been too abrupt in springing the secret room by the library on you. I guess I didn't know how to tell you in a better way. I'm sure it opens up all sorts of old wounds for you, and—” she began.

John put his hands on her shoulder, met her gaze. “Don't worry about me. I have gotten over a lot of it. For me, Missy is just as gone, no matter how or why. I realize it will help the spirit of the house to sort out all the puzzles of Leonard and Missy,” he said. “I'm glad you are able to do it. I hope you will be capable of unraveling the entire enigma and Betty will be happy and at peace. I'm thrilled at the progress you two have made in—what? Three weeks? You handled yourself very well today; I'm proud of you. See, for the first time, I'm really beginning to believe someone will be able to make things all right here. The place feels a lot better out here already."

She smiled at him. “Thanks. Kim has a great stabilizing effect on disgruntled spirits. We haven't been trying to make contact with them, but it is happening, all the same. Did you dream about Missy much when you were here?” she asked.

He stood silent for several minutes before he turned away from her, hung his head. “I did have dreams about her, but I—I just don't remember my dreams very well. I was still feeling too guilty about being gone when she needed me the most. I thought dreams about Missy were just my missing her and feeling sorry for myself,” he confessed.

"Some of them might have been, but I'm sure some of them were her trying to contact you. She still cares for you; that's obvious to me in the way she speaks of you,” she said.

He shook his head, “No, don't—please, don't tell me that. She is beyond my being able to hold her now. I can't do this to myself. I'll always love her, but she and I weren't meant to be together—"

Liz sighed. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, I guess, but I believe she wants you to know she cares and that she doesn't blame you for anything that happened. She wants you to heal, as well. There's nothing for you to feel guilty over."

He stared at the moon, shrugged, but said nothing. She wanted to throw her arms around him, wanted to say or do something that would make him smile. She waited in silence.

At last, he turned to her, tears gleaming in his eyes in the moonlight. “I—
know
—those things, I do—in my head,” he whispered. “In my heart, I feel lost. They say you always feel that way when you lose someone without being able to say good bye."

Now it was Liz's turn to be silent. He was right; their relationship had unfinished business to it. Should she—
could
she—channel Missy for him? Would that be wise? Or would it cloud her mind all the more about what
she
felt about him? Then a thought occurred to her—maybe the emotions she felt about John weren't her own anyway. Maybe she cared so much about him
because Missy cared
. She would have to think on it a while. She wouldn't make a decision tonight.

Missy had attached herself to Liz's psyche for some reason; maybe the attraction they both had displayed toward each other was nothing more than the affection John and Missy had for one another. Was Missy here with them now? Did she want to say things to John that she couldn't say any other way? Where would it lead if she invited Missy to come talk to John? What to do?

She closed her eyes, tried to converse in her mind with Missy.
Are you here, Missy? Do you want to speak to John?

Yes! May I?

Liz was staggered at the strength of the reply. She had never channeled a spirit for anyone without Kim before. Kim could stabilize her, could bring her back if things got out of hand. Kim should be here; yet the urgency of Missy's response almost demanded Liz's immediate compliance. She swallowed hard, balled her hands into fists.
All right, Missy; come in.

Missy touched John's face, brushed at the tears. “Johnny, how long has it been?"

John peered at her. “What?"

"Can you see me, Johnny?” She pulled him close to her.

"Melissa? But it can't be—"

"It
is
me. What year is it?"

John reached for the vision that was forming before him. It
looked
like Missy; sounded like Missy. Could this be
his
Melissa? He blinked his eyes hard against the beauty he saw before him, but it seemed to make her clearer to him and for a moment his senses carried him into her arms. He kissed her, touched her face, kissed her again before his logic won out and he pushed her away. “No, it can't be you. You're dead and have been for more than thirty years."

"Yes, my love—my body is dead—but I'm not gone. You're still as handsome as you ever were—a bit older, but still my darling Johnny.” She touched him again, tiptoed to kiss his cheek.

He took a deep breath, tried to sort out all the emotions he was feeling. “I'm sorry, but I'm finding this hard to believe. I want to believe, but I just can't—"

"Maybe you will find a way, Johnny. Please hold me. Yes, that's it—that feels so warm. It's cold where I am, but you're so warm. I was always so warm in your arms. Remember the time when we got lost in the woods and it started to rain? It was freezing rain and we ran and ran trying to get back to the house. We were so cold when we got back that all we could do was shiver and hold onto each other. Remember?"

He smiled down at her, pulled her closer to him, “How could I forget? That was the first time we made love. I was scared your dad was going to catch us, but I couldn't pull myself away from you. You were so soft and sweet, I could have stayed there with you forever, no matter who caught us or who saw. That was when I knew for the first time how much I loved you."

She kissed his hand, pressed it to her breast, “I guess it does take longer for boys, then, because I
always
knew how much I loved you. I want you to know something now: I never would have killed myself, no matter how bad things were for me—I wanted to come home to you. I wanted to be your wife. I wanted that more than I ever wanted anything else. I wanted to have your children and share your life with you. I wasn't crazy, Johnny, though sometimes I know I didn't seem rational."

"Missy—"

"Don't stop me, Johnny—I have to tell you this. I can't remember everything. I think that is because I wanted so much just to forget it and be allowed to go home. I wouldn't have told on anyone if they had just let me go, but they didn't believe me, anymore than you or Mother did. Daddy didn't kill himself;
they
killed him—and they killed me, too—because I knew. I
did
know, Johnny—I
did!
"

"Okay, I believe you, honey. But you're going to have to try to remember the things you willed yourself to forget. Can you do that? Liz needs to know what
you
knew and then she can help you more."

"I'll try, Johnny. If you believe me, I almost think I can do anything. You do believe me, don't you?"

"I want to, baby. I'm trying and I will keep on trying, I promise.” He said. He held her tight against him. She could feel his heart pounding against her.

She held onto him with a hunger. “I can't say good bye to you yet. I know we will have to, but I can't—not until this is finished. Please say you understand. Or do you want me to leave you alone? Do I have to say good bye now?"

His tears flowed down his face and onto hers as he shook his head, “I'm not sure I
can
tell you good bye. I had to give you up to save my own sanity, my own life. But seeing you now—I just don't know if I can go through it again. I don't know if I have that much strength."

She hung her head, but nodded. “I understand. You have to do what is best for you and I don't want to cause you any more pain than you already have to bear. I love you too much to hurt you more than I already have. You're the only man I ever loved with my entire being. I still love you that much; it's all that gives me any peace. I will let you go because I love you. Kiss me and I will leave you."

He pressed his face down to hers, kissed her with all the emotion he had. “I don't
want
you to go—I just can't hold onto you knowing I can never have you again. I'm too weak and too selfish. But I can't say good bye, either. I thought I could, but I was wrong. Do we have to say good bye?"

"What do you want me to do?” she asked.

"I—I don't know. I guess I want to know, for now, at least, that if I can't stand it without seeing you, that you will be there,” he said.

"That will depend on Elizabeth, I think. She may not be willing to endure this torment just so you and I can see each other. I have tried to come to you, but you don't see me or hear me. Elizabeth is the mirror through which we can see each other. How will she feel about that?"

"Yes, you're right. We will have to ask her, of course. She is a nice lady, though, and I'm sure she understands, somehow,” he said.

"We will see what happens, then. I can't stay here any longer right now, though. The feelings are too intense and too tiring for me. I love you and I always will."

He kissed her again, whispered, “I love you, too, my little dove."

Liz was shaky when Missy made her exit. John was still clinging to her or she was certain she would have toppled over from the sheer magnitude of what she was feeling. She took a deep breath, waited.

"Oh,” John said at last, “She's gone, isn't she?"

Liz nodded, felt herself being released. She took one weak step backwards before John caught her again, led her to a white bench to the left of the path.

"I'm sorry. Are you all right?” he asked.

"I just need a minute,” she assured him. “I usually don't channel standing up. It does take something out of you, you know,” she said, still trying to regain her composure.

"I have never seen anyone channel the way you just did at all. I mean, it was so instantaneous—"

"Well, I'm not a deep trance channel. I just move over a bit and invite the spirit in. That way, I still retain some control over what happens and when I come back. I have channeled only when Kim was around before,” she sighed.

He was watching her as he spoke, “Wow! I could
see
her—I wasn't expecting that. I have never been able to see
the person being channeled
before."

"It was what you and she both wanted, though, wasn't it?"

"Yes, I guess it was, but..."

Liz nodded. “Probably why it took so much out of her—and me. She wanted you to know for certain you were talking to her.” Liz noticed the little peke sitting on the ground at her feet and spoke to him then, “Ghost, did you finish your business?"

John stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I guess I should leave so you can go in and maybe get some rest yourself. This has been quite a day for you, hasn't it?"