Maybe Matt's Miracle (27 page)

“
Why not?” he asks, his voice soft, and I think he is sitting down now, too, just on the other side of me.

“
Because you’ll go there.”

He chuckles. “I’m here.”

I sigh heavily. “Go home, Matt. My feelings are hurt, and I don’t want to see you right now.”

“
It wasn’t what you thought it was. I thought you knew who she was, and you obviously didn’t. I never meant to hurt you.”

“
You still love her, Matt,” I say.

“
No,” he protests. “I don’t. And I made that very clear when you forced me to dance with her tonight.”

“
You wrote her a fucking letter when you were dying,” I say.

“
Ugh!” he cries. “That letter will haunt me until the day I die.”

“
Only because it tells how you really feel.”

He chuckles. “It does tell how I really felt when I wrote it.”

I bang the back of my head against the door. I want to stop talking about it.

“
I want you to read it,” he says.

“
I don’t want to read it.”

“
Yes, you do.”

I hear a rustle, and an envelope slides under my door. It has the word
April
written across the front. I push it back to him. He laughs and shoves it through again.

“
I need to tell you something,” he says.

“
What?” I ask. I don’t touch the letter. I just let it lie there on my carpet.

“
Seth and Mellie and Joey, they depend on you. They don’t deserve for you to leave them.”

That hits me like he just kicked me in the chest. “I didn’t leave them.”

“
You’re here so you can avoid me, and they’re there.”

I don’t say anything because he’s right. I did leave them.

“
I’ll go away if you’ll go home,” he says. “I won’t like it, but I love you, and I love them enough to give up for tonight so you can go back to them. They need you. And you need them.”

Tears burn my eyes, and I blink them back. “Matt,” I say.

“
Will you read the letter?” he asks.

“
Maybe,” I grouse.

He chuckles, and I hear a sniffle from his side. “Will you call me when you’re ready?”

“
Maybe,” I say again.

“
Go home to the kids, Sky. I promise to give you some space. Read the letter, though. It might help.”

With everything that’s going on, he’s still thinking about my kids. My belly flips. He’s just on the other side of the door. I could open it up and jump into his arms, if I wanted to. But I don’t. I just sit there. I sit there until my butt gets tired. I sit there until my foot falls asleep. I sit there until the letter taunts me to pick it up. I sit there long after Matt is gone.

I take the letter in my hand and hold it out so I can see the name on it. It’s not for me. It’s for April. It’s for the love of is life.

I tear into it and unfold it. It’s short, not even a half a page.

I start to read.

Dearest April,

When I met you, I immediately felt like the sun rose and set in your eyes. I went to bed thinking about you at night, and I woke up with you on my mind in the morning. We had some really good times, didn’t we? I relished the long walks we took. I looked forward to seeing you at night and sleeping with you in my arms.

Then I got the diagnosis. I found out that I was sick, and when I needed you to be there for me, you fucked my best friend. You weren’t there to hold my hand through chemo. You weren’t there to help me get to and from doctor’s appointments. You weren’t there when I was so sick I couldn’t hold my head up. You were with him. You were under him and on top of him and with him instead of me.

I asked my brothers to give you this letter in the event of my death, so if you’re reading this, I’m gone. I’ve lived out my days, and even though you’ve moved on, I need to tell you how I feel.

A good man might want to ease your conscience.

A good man might want to give you some peace.

But good wasn’t important to you.

I fucking hate you. I hate that you’re breathing. I hate that you’re alive. I hate that you’re able to laugh and that you’re going to go on and procreate and make more sorry-ass human beings just like yourself.

I hope that your heart leaped when you got this letter. Final words of love from me. Hahahahahaha! I am dead, so I can say whatever I want.

And what I want to say is:

I fucking hate you. I hope you get exactly what you deserve in life.

With the utmost hatred and disdain,

Matthew Reed

PS – I still hate you.

I lay my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise that wants to come out. I’m not sure what it is. It might be a laugh. It might be a gasp. But whatever it is, it takes my breath away. I get up and go get my coat. I don’t even get dressed. I put on my jacket and pad downstairs in my bedroom slippers. It has started to rain heavily, so I call a cab and get in it and go home. I go back to my kids because that’s where I belong. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I want to go to Matt. But I can wait until tomorrow. He was willing to give up and go home so I could do what was in the best interest of my kids. He will be willing to wait until morning. I need to talk with my dad anyway. And I need to go watch Joey and Mellie sleep. And Maybe even Seth, too.

Matt

I let myself into the apartment. I should have known that they would all still be up. There wasn’t a chance in hell I would come home and not be bombarded with questions. One: there was the wedding. Two: there was April. Three: April and Sky were in the same room. Four: I kind of did Sky in the supply closet against the wall.

Shit. Paul is going to skewer me.

My brothers are draped across the furniture like building blocks. Pete’s feet are on the back of the couch, and Sam’s head is just below them. Paul is in the lazy chair, and Logan is stretched out on the other sofa by himself. He sits up first and turns off the TV. I look toward the hallway. Where are Reagan and Emily?

“
We sent them baby shopping.” Paul says, swiping a hand down his face.

Baby shopping? Oh yeah. I keep forgetting that Emily is pregnant. Logan is such a lucky bastard. I know it sounds resentful to call him that, when he has to deal with being deaf every day, but still. I survived fucking cancer. I should get a perk. Like fatherhood.

“
Thank you,” I breathe. I’m so glad they’re not here. They’re as nosy as my brothers, but not nearly as subtle.

“
You had a big night, I hear,” Paul says.

“
We had a little misunderstanding. That’s all.” I go get a beer and then sit down beside Logan.

“
Where is Sky now?”

“
I hope she’s at the apartment with the kids.”

“
Logan told us what happened,” Paul says. “Tough luck.”

I throw my beer bottle cap at Logan. “You just couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?” I’m joking. Sort of. I throw my hands up. “It’s not like you guys haven’t had sex in some strange places.”

Paul’s brow furrows. “Sex? What about sex?”

Logan laughs out loud. It’s more of a bark. But I hear it. “Shut up,” I grumble, and I kick his knee.

He laughs again. “I didn’t tell them about that.” He cups his hands around his mouth and says, “He did her in the coat room.”

I take a sip of my beer. A grin tugs at my lips. Hell, they already know. “Supply closet, actually.”

“
How was it?” Pete asks.

I scowl at him. “None of your fucking business.”

Sam puffs his chest out and pretends to be Paul. “Did you use a condom?” He laughs. I don’t. I’m not going to tell them that part, regardless.

“
I’m shooting blanks, man. We all know that. I couldn’t get her pregnant if I wanted to.”

“
You don’t know that,” Paul says.

“
I do, too. I know in the very marrow of my bones that I will never have a child of my own.” I hold up a finger. “But,” I say, “Sky just happens to have three already, and they all need a dad, so I’m a pretty happy guy.”

“
Are you really?” Paul asks. His brow furrows. He grabs my knee and squeezes it. “You going to be satisfied with that?”

I take another sip of my beer. “I’ll have to be, won’t I?”

“
You want a kid, man, we’ll all donate sperm for you. We could mix them all together so we have no idea who the father is.” Sam laughs.

“
There’s no fucking way I’d let one of you get Sky pregnant. No.” Absolutely not.

“
You ever need my sperm, you let me know,” Sam says. “Hell, I don’t have a girlfriend. I’d be happy to participate. Give me a magazine and a little plastic cup.” He makes a crude gesture with his hand.

What’s bad is that he’s half serious. Any of them would do it for me, I’m pretty sure. “I’ll be happy with the kids we have. I already love Seth and Joey and Mellie.”

“
Do you worry at all about people’s perception of them, and you when you’re with them?” Paul asks. He’s playing devil’s advocate, I’m sure, because we weren’t raised to see a difference in color. We see people, the way it should be.

“
I don’t worry about it at all. None whatsoever.” That’s the God’s honest truth. “I’m humbled by the very idea of being their dad.” I have to swallow past the lump in my throat all of a sudden. Paul squeezes my shoulder. That doesn’t help.

“
So what happened at the wedding?” Sam asks. He rubs his hands together like he’s excited.

“
Sky got scared. She took off when she thought I had still have feelings for April. I had to go to her and prove that I don’t.”

“
Did Emily fuck it up for you by mentioning the letter?” Logan asks. He winces.

“
That letter saved me,” I say, chuckling.

“
What letter?” Sam and Pete look at one another.

“
I wrote a letter to April when I was dying,” I tell them. They had no idea. “I wrote one for all of you.”

Sam raises his hand. “I want mine.”

“
Nope.” I shake my head. “I didn’t die, so you don’t get a letter. Deal with it.”

“
Em knew about the letters, but we didn’t?” Logan asks. He pretends to pull a knife from his chest.

“
She promised to deliver them for me.”

He nods. “You trusted her. I’m glad.”

“
She’s trustworthy.” I shrug my shoulders. He just smiles.

Sam stands up and stretches. “Well, if we’re not going to talk about jizzing in a cup, I’m going to bed.”

“
Me, too,” Pete says. He gets up and pulls his keys from his pocket. “Emily’s going to drop Reagan off at home.”

Logan drops his feet to the floor. “I better go, too, then,” he says. He jerks on my ponytail as he walks by me. But then he walks back to stand in front of me.
I’m happy for you
, he signs.

I grin at him.
Thanks
. I need to talk to him about something.
Tomorrow, do you think you can draw up a new tat for me
?

Any idea what you want?

I know exactly what I want. We’ll talk about it tomorrow
.

He nods and ruffles my hair because he knows how much that shit bothers me.

Then it’s just me and Paul.

“
I’m really proud of you,” he says.

I jerk my head up. “What brought that on?”

He shrugs his shoulders.

“
It was the sex in the supply closet, right?” I pat my chest. “You know I got mad skills in the sack.”

He chuckles. “You got mad skills in life, Matt.” He closes one eye and looks at me. “You ever think about going to college?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I like what I’m doing.” I think about it for a second. “I might have to make my appointments a little earlier in the day, though, so I can be home at night.” Paul already does that when he has Hayley. He works late one week and comes home early the next.

“
We can cover.” He nods. “Whatever you need to do, we’ll make it work, just like always.”

“
Thanks.”

“
You know she makes more money than you do, right?”

I laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

“
Does it bother you?”

“
That she’s successful and educated? No. Doesn’t bother me at all. Hell, maybe I’ll stay home and be Mr. Mom.”

“
You’d be good at that.” He lays his head back and closes his eyes.

“
You
ever think about going back to college?” I ask. He never even got a chance to go; he was too busy taking care of us.

He shrugs, suddenly looking really uncomfortable. He plays with a string on his jeans. “Never had time to give it much thought.”

Oh, he’s thought about it, if his avoidance is any indication. “You should go. When I move out to go live with Sky, it’ll just be you and Hayley here. You won’t know what to do with all the quiet.”

He snorts. “Like I could ever get rid of you guys. You’re all here more than you’re at home.”

“
Can I ask you something?” I say quietly. I try not to get into his personal business, but I can’t help it.

“
You can ask. I can’t promise I’ll answer.”

“
What’s going on with you and Friday?”

He groans. “Nothing. Why? What did she tell you?”

I try to play it off. “She didn’t tell me anything. There’s just, like, this undercurrent when you’re in a room together. What did you do to her?”

“
I kissed her,” he blurts out.

I choke. “You kissed Friday?” I thump my fist against my chest, trying to restart my heart.

“
Well, we kind of kissed each other.”