Matilda Wren (30 page)

“This isn’t about him Rach” Sean tried to reason with her. She knew this. It wasn’t going to work; she was never going to be able to understand any of what had happened that day or this one.

“I have to get out of here. I can’t listen to anymore.”

She backed away a little but Sean moved towards her. “Just let me go.”

She retreated slowly towards the front door. Kenny, who was still standing in the middle of the room, smiled at her as she reached his line of vision. Rachel didn’t return it. Instead she turned and ran as fast as she could to her car, for once being grateful she never locked it.

She yanked her keys out of her jacket pocket; how she managed to find the coordination to put them into the ignition and drive off she has no idea. Her whole body was shaking. She glanced at the gun that was sitting on the passenger seat next to her. What the hell had just happened?

Who was he? What was he? Had she really spent ten years missing a monster?

She knew he had done the most despicable things. She thought about James’ wife and what she must have been through, at the hands of the man she professed to love; that she did love ultimately. Then she saw it; the reason why she ran the first time.

At seventeen she never understood the voice that lived way back in the depths of her head; the one that screamed at her to get out as fast as she could. Things had been great between them. It was intense and commanding from both of them, but they had both wanted it that way.

They would hardly spend a minute apart. Then the voice started to get louder and she listened. She had always punished herself for listening; but she should have kept listening. Then she wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe none of them would.

She didn’t know where she was going to, or that Sean was just a few minutes behind her. It had been a long day of motorways and she had no idea where she was heading.

She had to get away, so she could think. It had only taken just over an hour to hit Leeds. It wasn’t far enough; so she kept going.

There was the option of turning off the major busy roads and follow a more scenic route up to Harrogate and then across to York or to keep going. As strange as it seemed, Rachel saw the decision as an indicator. Does she change the direction in which she is going?

She had been changing direction for as long as she could remember, so this time she wasn’t going to look back or think. She put her foot down on the accelerator and sped off from the roundabout. If changing direction is bad, then she decided going forward had to be the way. Changing direction had made dreadful things happen.

Having no idea why or how this made sense humoured her for a while. It did though; make sense that is. In her muddled and confused head, there was a small glimpse of some clarity. She joined yet another motorway, this time the M621 that was going to take her to Hull.

The rain was coming down heavily now. The wipers on the windscreen were frantically trying to clear the water away. It was late and she was completely shattered from the day. She hadn’t even let herself reflect on the fact she just let James take her baby; the one thing in her life that had been constant and pure.

She wouldn’t allow herself to ponder on the colossal effect of that decision. She needed to have Adam safe; James was all she had left to ensure that would happen.

* * *

Sean had run out the flat almost immediately afterRachel had. He had just seen the back of her car turn out of James road. He was in his and right behind her within seconds, although when he had caught up to her, he made sure he kept a safe distance between them. He didn’t know what he was doing yet. He couldn’t let her disappear though; he knew that.

She was the only one that could stop all of this, stop him. She had stood in front of that gun and put her hand over it. She had touched him in a way nobody else had ever done. That simple action had reached deep into his soul; entirely blowing him away. Sean didn’t even know he had one, although he was sure there was many a person who would argue against that revelation. Sean was almost certain, that if Rachel hadn’t of done that when she did, he would have put a bullet straight into Ginnie’s skull.

Kenny had tried to stop him, tried to reason with him to let her go.

“Every woman has a breaking point; even Rachel. Just because she didn’t say “it’s over” doesn’t mean you haven’t already lost her.”

Sean wouldn’t listen though. He had pushed Kenny so hard, the older man had flown across the room. Sean hadn’t stayed to see if he was alright. Sean was adamant that Kenny was a major contributor to the downfall of everything around him.

Kenny should have known that Ginnie was still in Liverpool, he should have told Sean that that’s where he had taken her. It was a loose end that had been waiting to unravel. Kenny was supposed to be the guardian of information. He had let him down and he made sure the old man knew it too.

Another hour had passed when he followed Rachel off the motorway and into the centre of Hull. It was the early hours of the morning by now.

Hull is situated on the northern bank of the Humber estuary. The city centre is west of the River Hull and adjacent to the estuary. The city was built upon alluvial and glacial deposits which overlay chalk rocks. It was these that were shinning from the dock lights; their vast and immense sharpness bordering the picturesque scene.

The Hull Tidal Surge Barrier is at the peninsula where the River Hull joins the Humber Estuary. As soon as the river reaches the outskirts of Hull, its course is marked by a series of bridges, most of which open to permit boats to pass.

There are swing bridges, lift bridges and bascule bridges and the river becomes part of the Port of Hull.

The river, which is the dividing line between the East and West of Hull, bisects the city’s industrial area. It rises from a series of springs to the west of Driffield and enters the Humber estuary at Hull It was along one of the many bridges that cross the infinite watercourse, that Rachel’s car begun to cough and splutter. She looked down at the dashboard to see the petrol light frenziedly flashing.

“No! No! No!” She groaned loudly, slamming her fists down onto the steering wheel.

As her car breathed its final rev and cut out she slumped down in her seat. The head lights that pulled up behind her were bright. She expected them to turn off once the car had stopped but they didn’t.

Rachel looked into her mirror. She couldn’t see anything with the lights blaring into her car. Nobody got out. If they had stopped to see if she was okay, they weren’t doing a very good job she thought. Squinting at the light, she tried to make out the car but she couldn’t really see anything.

Then the dread came over her. It started in the pit of her stomach and rose up to her chest. Sean, she realised, had not let her go quite so easily this time. The lights went out and she immediately recognized his car. A wave of anger and frustration swept over her; grabbing the gun from the seat next to her she leapt out of the car and walked towards his. The aggravation and obstruction exasperated her. She couldn’t do this anymore. The conflict between her head and her heart was too much for her to handle. How can you love something, you hate so much at the same time?

The rain was in the midst of a torrential down pour. It was the rain that got you from every direction. The wind blew it sideways and the ferocity with which it hit the ground made it appear to be raining upwards, as well as downwards.

When Sean saw her walking towards him, he slowly got out the car.

“I can’t let you go Rach.” He shouted to be heard over the wind; the howling was deafening.

“You were the one that watched me walk away before and did nothing to stop me. Why did you come back Sean?

Did you hate me that much? Was all this to punish me in some way; because I left you?”

She had stopped just a little in front of his car. It was so dark, now the lights were out, she could barely make out anything around her. She knew the bridge was quite narrow, only allowing one car to pass through at a time.

The edge was close; even if she couldn’t make out exactly where. She could see him though; maybe his image was imprinted in her brain for the rest of her lifetime, she didn’t know. But he was as clear as day. The rain was pounding down between them.

“I don’t want to punish you. You are the only thing in my entire life I have ever genuinely cared about Rachel.

Nothing has ever come close; don’t you see that?”

“You have destroyed everything. Maisy was right. You annihilate and demolish at your own pleasure. You live in your own self-flagellation; a fantasy world that is governed by your rules.”

He began to walk towards her. “Not with you, you make me someone else.”

She backed away. If she let him near her it would be all over; she knew that. He still held the power to draw her in.

Would he always have it?

“How do I do that? Huh… come on please tell me. Why am I the special one Sean?”

“You saw something no one else did. It’s that simple. I don’t know why. I don’t have any answers for you Rach.”

She couldn’t see properly, the rain in her eyes made everything blurry. She tried to concentrate on her surroundings. Sean had reached her within a few paces. The force with which he grabbed hold of her made them twirl violently around each other like a pair of angry dancers.

“I get confused in what I should do, what is right…

and what I can do, what I am allowed to get away with.

Nobody stopped me. Nobody made me question my actions or motives. Most people see me for exactly what I am; a monster.” He paused, searching her face.

“Oh I know exactly what I am.” His eyes pleaded with her to understand. “You stopped me. You made me think there could be another way. That maybe I could be a normal person, regular like…” He urgently needed her to understand.

She felt the pull of him once more. The man she frenetically loved, with all her heart. He tugged her closer to him, she tried to push him away and they stumbled further towards the edge of the bridge.

“No wait, I have to tell you this, all of it.”

Rachel stopped struggling against him and felt herself relax in his arms. There was something in his voice; an imperative need, that no matter how much she knew she should ignore, she couldn’t. She knew she should be running as fast as she could, but something made her stay.

“I love the pain and destruction. I revelled in the control I had over Maisy. Ginnie or Jane or whatever she was called was just a prop, for me to pretend for a while I had you back; that I could touch and kiss you any time I wanted. Then, when I finally had you for real, Greg was in the way. He stayed too long, arrived to early. He had a vested interest in you and I couldn’t stand it. It drove me mental. I had to remove him from our lives so we had a chance. In the end it all counted for nothing; didn’t it?”

She leant forward and kissed him; her lips buzzed with exhilaration when they touched his. It was unpremeditated; astonishment and distress devoured her. The conflict between her head and her heart was overpowering.

Was he confessing? Did he want liberation from his sins?

The physical ache inside her was too much too bear; all she wanted was to dissolve into his embrace but her head was fighting her at every step; both entities just as potent and dominant as each other. She pulled away from him, this time he allowed her to.

“I was wrong you know, when I said people get to start again. No-one can go back and make a brand new start.

You can make a new ending though Sean. You could give yourself up. Pay for what you have done.”

He laughed at her then; a sarcastic dry laugh.

“And spend the rest of my life in prison. ‘Cause it will be the rest of my life Rachel; they won’t ever let me out. You gonna wait forever are you? Making do with prison visits every couple of months? Never feeling me kiss or touch you again?”

Rachel shook her head again. He wasn’t listening to her.

She wasn’t making him understand what she was trying to say. “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is.

The way you cope with it, is what makes the difference Sean.

You can’t just obliterate things when they don’t go your way.

Don’t you see that?”

He took hold of her again. He wanted to believe, wanted to have faith in redemption for him. He needed peace so very much.

“It’s because of now; this very second. What we are living right now; that’s why I ran Sean. Because I knew, one day it would come down to me or you. So here we are.

What’s it going to be? Is it me or are you choosing you?

Destiny doesn’t exist. We make the decisions. It’s not left to the fate of the gods. That’s bollocks. It is down to you Sean; right now. My way, or your way?”

He stood and stared into her eyes. This must be what judgement day feels like. The end is nigh. He tried to force down the monster that had been eagerly trying to unleash itself within him. He saw it in his mind’s eye; standing at an empty junction of life.

The two paths were the choices Rachel had just presented him. One would provide him with familiarity, the death and destruction he was born to be devoted to. On the other path stood Rachel, the only girl he ever truly loved.

“What happened to ‘no matter what’ eh Rach?”

She shook her head at him in disbelief. “My way or your way Sean. It is up to you.”

The choice, as always, was never really a choice. Not for him. He held her face in his hands, inches away from her.

“I can’t.”

The words were so final and so abrupt that they forced Rachel to close her eyes, his answer providing her with the knowledge of what she had to do. The rain still pouring out of the sky was now accompanied with great lengths of white light, streaking across the black landscape. The thunder and lightning seemed to increase in strength with every passing second; drawing its energy from the enveloping ambience that was mounting between them.

The crashing and colliding of the clouds was so deafening and vociferous. The boom sounded like an explosion. He dropped her face and staggered back from her, unsteady and stumbling. It was the most tremendous impact; the equivalent of dynamite exploding. His whole lower abdomen felt like he had been kicked over and over again by a horse.