Matilda Wren (10 page)

Despite it being an unconscious process, this part of his personality Sean knew only too well. He justified it by questioning where we would be without desire. Does it not push you through life; leading you to seek the things you need to survive. Without it people would die.

It is frenzied, occupied with only incensed pleasure and stimulation. It is filled with energy, originating from instincts, but it has no formation, only a motivation to bring about the attainment of the instinctual need. It is present from birth, driven by the pleasure principle, which strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, and needs.

If these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state of anxiety and tension. This was the part of him that Kenny referred to back in the shop. The part Rachel had never seen and must never see. He had to make sure of that.

How though, he wasn’t sure of. His delusional mind told him, he couldn’t fight the instinctive forces that resided in his head; they were too firmly fixed. But maybe he didn’t need to. Maybe the goodness she saw in him could fight them for him.

To balance the strong willed desires that exist in everyone, the sense of reality acts as an opposing force. Sean was capable of exhibiting his own awareness of reality but he willingly chose not to, unless he was only around her.

What is supposed to act as an adjudicator, between the demands of a person’s desire and reality, in his mind, just didn’t. The opposing force negotiates the desire’s power, modifying it in order to achieve the gratification despite the limits of reality; like an umpire at a tennis match.

It regulates people’s actions and behaviours, in terms of what society believes to be appropriate, ensuring the impulses of the desires can be expressed in a manner acceptable in the real world. It does this through guilt.

If you do something immoral or break the law, guilt sets in. Sean had no interest in conducting his behaviour within society’s guidelines. It held no benefit for him; apart from keeping him out of prison and that is where Kenny had always stepped in. He had cleared up any mess that may have exposed Sean and as far as he was concerned; Kenny always would.

This part of a personality is the part regular people usually show to the world but with Sean, inhibiting it, rather than letting it do its job, was more valuable for him; until he met Rachel again that is. She brought out this side of him. The adjudicating principle was allowed to work, to some extent, but ultimately the desire element prevailed no matter what.

Lastly, there is conscience. This regulates the consciousness’ ability to control the desire parts of the personality. Usually, a person’s conscience arises from their parents and, as they grow up, they internalise the standards that are taught to them; those same standards that make a person feel guilty when they tell a lie or cheat.

Sean’s parents were not saints but in their eyes they believed they had taught their children the difference between right and wrong, good and bad.

Ultimately, this had made no impact on Sean’s personality or behaviour. Sean knew the difference between right and wrong but had always dismissed it as applying to him. But does everyone have a conscience?

There are certain people, who have gained infamous notoriety because they committed such horrible acts of violence that we sometimes wonder if they were void of conscience. How can serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Fred West commit such horrible crimes?

Do they lack the basic capacity to feel guilt, so nothing really prevents them from acting out their violent fantasies?

He remembered Kenny saying to him once that evil men do what good men only dream of. This had always stuck in Sean’s mind; believing that everybody harboured violent, sadistic and brutal desires; it was just that he was brave enough to indulge in them.

As much as he wanted to be the person that Rachel believed she saw, he couldn’t entirely turn his back on what really turned him on. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to do that; fully and whole heartedly. Rachel was trying to make him re-evaluate that.

Kenny had been trying to teach Sean that there were appropriate times when his violent talents were required.

Any other time, for mere amusement, it was inappropriate; for lots of reasons but mainly because you do not want to draw unnecessary attention to yourself.

Rachel was teaching Sean an alternative way of living just by being around her. Kenny should have been pleased and it irritated Sean that he wasn’t. Granted, Sean had already admitted to himself that he may not be able to give up his way of life completely, but he needed approval from this man and that perplexed him a little.

It also aggravated him because Kenny played on it. It was like Kenny almost thought he could push Sean into what he wanted him to do. Just because he knew some things which Sean definitely would not want to be public knowledge.

He didn’t think for one second Kenny would ever grass on him. It wasn’t like that, Kenny wasn’t like that. It was just a look that Kenny could give Sean which made him feel beholden to the man; that he owed him something.

It was true; Sean did owe Kenny a huge gratitude. He knew he would be rotting away in a prison cell for the rest of his life, if it wasn’t for Kenny’s shrewd and innovative thinking and that there would be a time when Sean would have to repay his debt. Sean wasn’t too sure how that particular day would play out. It was something that made him feel uncomfortable and he pushed the thoughts out of his mind.

He just needed to get back to Rachel. Just knowing she was waiting for him in his house sent shivers down his back.

She was his soulmate, she saw what no one else did and he knew, as soon as he saw her again, he was never letting her go. She belonged to him completely. He had let her leave him once before and it had destroyed him.

He now knew that they were intrinsically tied to each other forever and that he must not let anybody or anything ever get in the way of that again. It is why he asked Kenny to find him James, he needed to know where he was, what he was doing. If there was any potential threat of him ever resurfacing to claim his child and in effect Rachel.

Then there was Greg, the other man in her life. Rachel had already promised Sean she was going to finish it with him. That she just needed some time to work out how. He had to accept that for now but he wouldn’t wait for long. The sooner Rachel was finally entirely his, the better everything would be.

Th
II

e Chronicles How What Was Came To Be

“Indeed, history is nothing more than a

tableau of crimes and misfortunes.”

Voltaire 1694 -1778

Chapter 6

May 1995

Maureen bustled through to the living room from the hall way, whilst trying to pull a large wax jacket onto her graceless frame.

“SEAN!” She yelled at the top of her voice. Not waiting for a response she yelled again; this time putting emphasis on to her son’s name. “SHORRN!”

She picked up her handbag and car keys that were on the table; patting her daughter’s head who was sitting on the fl oor in front of the TV. She didn’t see the distress in her eyes or the tear that rolled down her cheek.

Walking back through to the hall, she stood at the bottom of the stairs. Yelling again, this time with all her muster, she heard the bedroom door open. Sean popped his head round the door and looked down the stairs.

“I am off too work. I am not sure what y’ dad’s doing, he did mention some overtime. If he decides to come home, tell him his dinner is in the oven. Alice is staying over at Emily’s and won’t be back till the morning. Don’t let Maisy stay up all night long watching tele and Sean watch her will you? Not lock yourself in your room and leaving her too her own devices. I know what you’re like. When I ask you to watch your sisters’ that is what I expect you to do, exactly that, watch them. I’ll be home about eleven… Okay?”

Sean knew she wasn’t really asking for a response. He watched her check herself in the mirror that hung by the front door and then she was gone. He waited for a few seconds, until he heard the engine of her car start and her reverse out of the drive. When he could no longer hear her in the distance he walked down the stairs and into the living room.

Sean closed the door that led to the hall way. He then walked across to the other side of the room and closed the door that led to the kitchen. He checked the patio doors were locked and then pulled the thick heavy curtains across them. Looking around the room he was satisfied.

Maisy was still sitting on the floor in front of the TV.

She had watched everything he had just done, out of the corner of her eye. She bit her bottom lip, as she thought about what was going to come next.

She had been left alone with Sean lots of times and it was always the same. He would lock all the doors and close all the curtains. Then he would expect her to do certain things for him. It was their special game. Nobody loved her like Sean did and this was how she said thank you for that love. He had told her that she wasn’t wanted by mum and dad, for as long as she could remember. She was only ten, yet that idea was firmly fixed in her mind.

He repeatedly reminded her that she was a mistake; that she wasn’t wanted because their parents already had a boy and a girl. It was only him that cared about her and thought she was worthwhile. Maisy believed him. Her mother was always so busy, with housework, or cooking, or rushing off to work and her father was out driving his taxi all day and all night, she hardly ever saw him.

Sean told her she was lucky to have him and she accepted that as true. She didn’t like having to say thank you though; it made Maisy feel uncomfortable. He didn’t hurt her, in fact he was very gentle but his touch made her think he could do so very badly. Something deep inside told her what he did to her wasn’t normal. However, the more he convinced Maisy that he was the only one that loved her, the more she felt she had to repay him.

If she hesitated or protested, he said he wouldn’t love her anymore and that then their mother would hand her over to social services. He also bound her in silence, by telling her that if their parents found out about their love and their special game, then she would be locked away forever. As a less advanced and tremendously confused ten year old, these threats were exceptionally intimidating.

“Maisy?” He beckoned her.

She turned her head to face him and moved her fringe out of her eyes, in a sweeping gesture with her hand.

Slowly, she stood up and straightened her nightdress.

She gradually began to move toward him. Her movement was not exactly hesitant but it was forced all the same.

When she reached him, she took his hand and smiled up at him for reassurance that what she was doing was right.

She led him over to the sofa and sat down next to him. He stroked her long blonde hair. It felt so soft and silky, almost like velvet. She didn’t look ten. She looked much younger Sean decided.

When Alice was ten she had budding breasts and the mind of an old whore. She had known every swear word going and embarrassed her mother frequently by listing them out loud. She was four years older than Maisy and at fourteen she had the head of a wise old lady. There is no way in the world that Sean could manipulate Alice, in the way he did her.

She just wouldn’t have stood for it; she was far too headstrong to be used and abused. It fascinated him just what he could make Maisy do. She was so desperate to be loved that she accepted him treating her however he wanted.

He could push her away and degrade her, yet with sweet whispered words, he could have her begging him to love her again. It amazed him and thrilled him at the same time.

Each time he was left to look after her and they were alone, he would push the boundaries just that little bit more; enthralled to see what else he was able to do. Intrigued by his capabilities, he enticed himself to explore hidden fantasies which he had suppressed.

When they first arose he was only a small boy and he had no idea what the feelings were that spurred him on to torture his sister’s kitten. He had a slightly better understanding now, at fifteen, of what they were but he still wasn’t fully aware of the power it would yield over him, in the years to come.