Matchplay (9 page)

I turned to leave.

“Wait,” Aaron pleaded. He reached out to grab my arm but stopped himself. He put his hands in his pockets instead. “I just want you to know the other girls don’t mean anything to me.”

“Can’t you see they mean something to me?
When you do things with other girls, when you’re intimate with them, it makes what you’ve done with me meaningless.”

I didn’t wait for Aaron to say anything else. I merely turned and walked away. The ball was in his court now. I made it clear what I wanted and I didn’t plan on settling for anything less. Either we had a true relationship or we had nothing. I was tired of straddling the fence between the two. 

***

T
he following week, I tried to get to class as late as possible without being too late. I hadn’t heard anything from Aaron all week and I wanted to minimize our contact. Realizing we would probably have to discuss our final project after class, I had already created a division of labor that I planned on handing to him that outlined different parts of the project we could do on our own so we wouldn’t have to see each other. I was even willing to put everything together the final week of class, if he just emailed it to me. It seemed like the perfect plan.

When I arrived in the classroom, I noticed the pretty girls we already seated in the back of the room and most of the other students had already found their seats. Even Dr. Griffin was at her desk getting her notes ready for class. The only other person, who was noticeably absent, was Aaron. Damn! I thought for sure he would have already arrived.

I took my seat and grabbed my Mary Cassatt biography. I hoped it wouldn’t be too obvious when he walked past me again this week that I was still in exactly the same place in the book. I hadn’t actually had time to read the biography yet, although I intended to, probably over winter break.

My nose was pressed firmly in the book when I heard snic
kering from the back of the class. When I looked up from my book, Aaron was walking into class carrying a massive balloon bouquet. Every one of the balloons was a sunflower. I gulped. I quickly glanced over at Dr. Griffin and she was wide-eyed. Yipes! This was going to be embarrassing. But I guess I asked for it when I said I didn’t want to be a secret girlfriend.

Aaron approached my desk and set the massive balloon bo
uquet in front of me. I noticed each balloon was being held down with a little weight attached to the bottom of it. Clever. Of course, I couldn’t see over the thing. Several of the balloons were in my line of sight.

Aaron took his seat behind me. I could hear the girls in the back of the room snickering. Then one of them said loud enough for the entire class to hear, “I heard Aaron never gives girls anything, not even his phone number.”

Then her friend said, “She must have a magic VaJayJay.”

The other girl followed up with, “The quiet ones are always the freaks in bed.”

“Either that or she gives killer BJs.”

Both girls laughed at their attempts at humor at my expense.

Dr. Griffin cleared her throat to bring the class to order. “Rainy,” I heard her say but I couldn’t see her.

“Yes, Dr. Griff
in,” I managed to rely.

“Would you mind doing something with those balloons? I don’t want them to distract you
r learning.”

I was completely mortified. I grabbed all of the balloons and moved them so that the weights were all on the seat next to me. There were no other students seated in my row and no one else was now behind the balloons.

Dr. Griffin continued. “Based on your reading this week, I’d like you to think about who you believe to be the most influential artist of the Impressionist period?”

As Dr. Griffin prepared her PowerPoint presentation for the Impressionists, I heard my text notification buzz. I quickly looked at my phone.

The text from Aaron said:
Sorry about the girls and Dr. Griffin
.

I texted back:
It’s not your fault. THX for the balloons
. 

Aaron texted:
I just wanted to see you smile
.

I turned back to Aaron and gave him a quick smile. His face immediately lit up the room. I turned back fast enough that Dr. Griffin was just getting her first slide ready.

***

A
fter class, Aaron stood by my desk as I packed my backpack. “Need someone to carry your balloons?” he asked.

“Yeah, thanks
.” 

He reached over the desk next to mine and grabbed them.

As we exited the class, I thanked him again for the balloon bouquet.

“It was my pleasure
.” 

“I can’t take them into the library
.”

“I know. Do you want to drop them off in your room then we can go somewhere to talk? I know just the place.”

I nodded.

We walked back to my room in silence. I wasn’t sure exactly what to say. Aaron seemed a bit off. I wondered if he was nervous. That might be a first.

When we got to the front door of the dorms, it was a bit awkward. It wasn’t like there hadn’t been guys in my room, Well, one guy, anyway. He knew that Lucas had been there. I just didn’t feel comfortable inviting him up yet. We were still on shaky ground.

“I’ll be right back,” I
promised.

Aaron’s face fell a bit but he recovered quickly. “Of course,” he said and handed me the balloons.

When I returned to Aaron a few minutes later, he was pacing. I had never seen him pace before. He was always super calm and collected. I expected to see him leaning somewhere with his arms crossed over his chest but he wasn’t. His hands were in his pocket and he had his head down. He seemed deep in thought.

“I’m ready,” I said as I approached. I seemed to have caught him off guard.

“Okay,” he said finally. He removed one of his hands from his pocket and placed it palm up in front of me. It was his way of asking me if he could hold my hand again. I stared at it for a split second. It was one of those moments in which I would make a critical decision. Did I want a relationship with Aaron?

When I took his hand, he exhaled. He seemed to be relieved. Then he interlaced our fingers and held my hand so tightly, I thought he might never let me go again.

I didn’t realize there was a park so close to campus. It wasn’t very large and was a bit on the rugged side with a lot of overgrown trees and bushes. Only one main path was paved and the rest of the smaller paths were dirt.

We stopped at a gigantic boulder that was flat on the top. “This is it,” he said. “It’s where I come to think. I call it my thinking rock. Original, I know.”

We both sat on the flat part of the boulder. It was extremely quiet. It made sense to come here when he wanted to be alone with his thoughts. “It’s peaceful,” I said.

He cleared his throat. “There’s a lot I want to tell you but I’m not sure where to start.”

“I’m not in a hurry.”

He gave me a half smile. When we caught each other’s eyes, the chemistry between us was still in full force. I held back a shudder.  

He took a breath and spoke, “I’ve been miserable since I saw you kiss that other guy.”

“Lucas
.” 

“In my mind, I kept seeing him holding your hand and touc
hing you. It was driving me crazy. I wanted to be the one touching you and holding you and kissing you. Not him. Not anyone else.”

I nodded. I knew how he felt. “I feel the same way when I see you with other girls.”

He grabbed both of my hands into his. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

I nodded.

“There are some things I need to tell you about my past. It will explain a lot. I want to be honest with you about everything. I just don’t want you to think any less of me because of my past. I want to be a better person for you. I want to be the person you deserve to be with. I want you to give me another chance to prove myself but I need for you to know why I did the things I did.”

He looked at me with such vulnerability, I almost cried. “Okay
.” 

“I completely and totally destroyed the only real relationship I ever had. I was sixteen. The girl I was going out with,
Chloe, was a wonderful person. Beautiful inside and out. She loved art, like you, but she didn’t study it, she created it. She always wanted to be an artist. She was kind and she really cared about other people. And she loved me. That turned out to be her greatest fault. I managed to totally fuck up our relationship and break both of our hearts in the process. “

“What happened,” I murmured, although I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Chloe sounded perfect. How could I ever compete with her memory? And how did he break her heart?

Aaron continued, “For Spring Break, a bunch of us decided to go to my parent’s lake house. I planned on riding to the lake with Chloe and her cousin, Elena, on Friday afternoon. Right before we left, Chloe said her sister was having problems with some of the plans for her wedding, which was just a few weeks after break. Chloe said she had to help her sister but that she’d drive up and meet us the following day.

“I guess I didn’t know Elena as well as I thought. When we got to the lake house, she started hanging all over me.
Touching me. Flirting. At first, I tried to turn her off but the more I did, the more aggressive she got. A few other couples arrived and the beer started flowing. Elena and I got really drunk. She started to kiss me. I tried to fight her off but I guess I wasn’t as convincing as I should have been. We ended up sleeping together.

I didn’t remember a lot of what happened that night but the next morning, Chloe found me and Elena,
asleep , naked and hanging all over each other. I can still see the look on Chloe’s face. It was a look of complete and utter devastation. There was so much hurt and disappointment in her eyes and I knew I had caused it. I had completely betrayed her.”

Aaron had a faraway look in his eyes. He continued, “I was heart sick. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so upset. But when I looked at Elena, she was actually gleaming. She had such a self-satisfied look on her face, I realized there was a lot more going on between Elena and Chloe then I realized.  I felt like Elena had used me like a pawn to get at her cousin. Elena gave Chloe a smug smile and said, ‘
You’re right, Chloe. Aaron really is good in bed.’

Chloe ran away. I threw on my clothes as quickly as I could and ran after her. When I caught up to her, I grabbed her arm. She turned and looked at me with such a look of utter disgust, I felt like a piece of shit. And I deserved it. I was a piece of shit. She said, ‘Get your hands off me. Don’t you ever touch me
again. You lost the right to touch me when you put your hands on Elena.’ Of course, I let her go. She didn’t say another word to me. She turned her back on me and walked away. She never spoke to me again. She acted like I didn’t even exist. Of course, Elena never spoke to me again either. She got what she wanted. I felt like nothing. Less than nothing. That’s when I decided I wasn’t going to get involved in any more relationships. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way I hurt Chloe. And I started to believe I was an asshole, who didn’t deserve a girl like Chloe again. After that, I just did casual hook-ups. No strings attached. The girls didn’t mind. I started to get a reputation. After a while, girls didn’t see me as anything else. They didn’t want to see me as anything else. They knew it was just about sex and that’s what they wanted. I think they used me as much as I used them.”

I wasn’t sure what to think. Aaron’s story was tough to swa
llow. He made a bad decision and did something really stupid. But he also seemed to be punishing himself a bit excessively for something that happened a long time ago.

Aaron looked deeply into my eyes. “When I met you, Rainy, things changed. You’re like Chloe in some ways, beautiful, smart, passionate, and caring. That intrigued me but it also scared the shit out of me. The more I got to know you, the more I wanted you and the more intense my feelings for you became. I loved Chloe but what I feel for you is so much more. You’re literally my sunshine. I feel like I need you to grow, hell, to even survive. Who can live without sunlight? Please give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I’m worthy of your love.”

I swallowed hard. I was scared out of my mind. I knew Aaron had deep feelings for me but he also had the capacity to hurt me just as deeply. I bit my bottom lip. I was at another turning point. I could walk away now and cut my losses or plunge into the deep water and take my chances. It was sink or swim time.

Aaron looked at me expectantly. He was waiting for me to respond.

I cleared my throat and Aaron raised an eyebrow.

“I have some ground rules,” I said as firmly as I could, even though I just wanted to melt into his arms.

“Okay,” he said.

“First, if you’re with me, you can’t be with anyone else. No kissing or even touching any other girls.”

He nodded although I wasn’t sure yet if it was a nod of understanding or agreement.