Master of My Mind BN (4 page)

“There is nothing
normal
about this,” I hissed. Taking another step back, I glared at him. . “I just
left the gravesite of my Master… my best friend. I’ve dishonored everything
about him… about us. It isn’t right being here…naked, and kissing a man that
hates me. Oh god, Tony, please. Just leave.”

“Hate you?” he blinked. A stunned expression lined his face.
“What the hell? I don’t hate you,
Leagh
. I just told
you I’ve struggled with the fact that I’ve wanted you for years. What in the
world have I ever done to make you think I hate you?”

“Maybe hate is too strong a word. You always look at me like
I’m a piece of dog shit stuck to your shoe. You call me brat every chance you
get. I know you think I’m worthless as a submissive. I may not be a rocket
scientist or college educated, like you and George, but I know when someone is
looking down their nose at me. I’m not stupid.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Tony asked
incredulously. “I’ve never looked down on you,
Leagh
.
You
are
a brat, but in a spunky, fun way.
You top from the bottom constantly, but you don’t do it maliciously, and you’re
certainly not a damn drama queen like some of the other subs. Who the hell do
you think I am to judge you anyway? I’m not Dom of the Universe, nor do I want
to be.” His expression softened as he stepped closer. “Sweetheart, I never
meant to offend you. I’m sorry; I was only teasing. I thought you knew that.
I’d never purposefully hurt your feelings.”

“You didn’t,” I lied.

“Yes, I did,” Tony corrected with a frown. “Listen. You’re
feisty and unpredictable, and you don’t conform to traditional submissive ways.
But guess what? That’s exactly how George wanted and needed you. He thrived as
your Dominant. The day he found you, he turned into a whole new man. You
brought joy to his life. You may not have been his soul-mate, but he cared
deeply about you.”

His words cut like a knife. I knew from the beginning George
was a protector. It didn’t matter to me that the fireworks were missing in our
relationship. I’d wanted stability, safety, compassion. He’d given me all that
and more… and I’d loved him for it.

“I cared about him, too,” I sobbed. “That’s why it’s so
wrong for me to be with you, like this.”

“I’ve already explained that to you, sweetheart. There’s
nothing to be ashamed of. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they’re just
feelings.”

“No. What I’m feeling is wrong.
Way
wrong,” I choked.

Suddenly Tony’s expression took on that familiar icy edge.
His eyes narrowed, and a ripple of fear mixed arousal swept down my spine.

“What did I do now?” I cried in exasperation.

A depreciating smile tugged on one side of his mouth. His
condescending expression vanished. “You didn’t do anything. It’s me.”

“I don’t understand. That look you just had on your face,
it’s the same angry look you give me at the club.”

 
“That’s why you
thought I hated you?” He shook his head. “No,
Leagh
.
I don’t hate you. I never have. I spent every night watching you, despising
myself for wanting what I couldn’t have. You’ve always turned me inside out,
angel. I was angry with me, because I ached for you so goddamn bad.”

I swallowed tightly. No matter how I tried to deny it, I’d
always been keenly aware of Tony. He drew me to him like a magnet… calling to
me in some strange primitive way. But instead of analyzing the prickly
sensation his gaze induced, I had simply convinced myself he was disgusted by
my lack of submission.

The puzzle pieces quickly fell into place. I never
understood why I had to look away when he
scened
with
Destiny, Naughty, Silver-Sin, or other pain sluts. Watching him smooth his hand
over the sub’s skin or sink his teeth into her flesh, I wondered what it would
feel like to be so completely claimed.

Even though Tony’s need for pain scared me, his dominance
was so commanding, I secretly dreamed of sampling a taste. George would have
been crushed if he’d ever suspected I harbored such ridiculous fantasies,
especially at the hands of another man. One of George’s biggest fears was that
I’d someday ache for the affection of someone younger. He never outright
confessed it, but he hinted from time to time. Likewise, George worried about
our age difference, but I always reassured him that I was happy and content
having him as my Master and lover.

Suddenly, it made sense in a bizarre and fucked up way. I’d
been secretly attracted to Tony the whole time I was with George. I tensed,
fearing that I’d never really loved him as much as I claimed.
Don’t be an idiot. Of course you loved George. You
lusted after Tony just like every other sub at the club. Don’t make a mountain
out of a molehill. Your heart always belonged to George.

“Oh. I didn’t know that you…,” I murmured.

“No.
Evidently not.”
He leaned in
close to my ear. “What if I told you that I dream about slamming you up against
the wall and driving my cock into your sweet, soft body until my legs
turn
to rubber?”

My heart hammered against my ribs. His words ignited a
scorching visual that excited and scared me half to death. I bristled, pulling
back in confusion and tried to extinguish the flames licking my core.

“Why are you telling me all this
now
? Why didn’t you ever—”

“Say something to you? I couldn’t.” A melancholy smile
curled over his sensual mouth. “You belonged to another. I abide by the code of
conduct. I might be a sadist, but I’m an ethical one.”

My throat was dry. My body trembled. His words turned me
inside out. “I’m flattered, but this… it’s pointless. You already know I don’t
do pain. And I’m not mentally equipped for anything right now, much less this
conversation. So if you’ll just leave, I’ll get cleaned up.”

Tony tensed, straightened and issued a sharp nod. Stepping
around me, he leaned in and turned on the shower, taking his time to adjust the
water temperature.

I stared at his muscles as they bunched and flexed,
wondering if I possessed the power to resist the temptation of his words, his
body, or the gnawing need to feel whole again. I closed my eyes and sucked in a
ragged breath, welcoming the chilling grief of losing George to fill me once
again. It was daunting and painful but so much safer than craving something I
had no business wanting…Tony.

Jerking my eyes open as his fingertips skimmed along my shoulder,
he smiled and extended his hand. My fingers entwined with his, and once again,
my emotions unfurled like a flag in a hurricane. For one brief moment, I
ignored the pendulum of doubt swinging inside me and took refuge in his rugged
arms.

“Whatever you need,
Leagh
, tell
me. I’ll give it to you.”

Sadly, the one thing I needed, Tony could never give me;
George. “If only it were that simple. There’s nothing you can do for me, Tony.
What I need, no one can give.”

“What is it you need,
Leagh
? I’ll
find a way to make it happen.”

“George alive, to keep me safe.”

“
Awww
,
sweetheart.
I can’t replace George, but you’ll always be safe with me,”
Tony murmured against my ear. “Come on. Let’s get you in the shower. You’re
shivering again.”

Tony meant well, but he didn’t know a thing about my past or
how to protect me…let alone who I needed protection from. That was a whole
other nightmare I had no desire to revisit.

Steam billowed over the glass enclosure, like a fog machine.

“I think I can take it from here, thanks.”

“Right,” Tony nodded, grimly. “I’ll go find you some
clothes. Take some time and relax. You’ll have plenty of hot water.”

I watched as he left, closing the door behind him.

Stepping beneath the spray of the shower, I closed my eyes
and let the soothing heat melt the tension from my shoulders and neck.

I thought about all the reasons I shouldn’t let my guard
down around Tony. Oil and water didn’t mix, no matter how fiercely you shook
them up. I thought about Hayden and her disgusting threats, wondering what
George would think of his darling daughter now. If he were still alive, she
never would have done any of those things. Hayden would paint on her plastic
smile and wrap him around her little finger, like she always did.

“Oh, George, if only you could have seen through her
façade.”

The weight of the world lay heavy on my shoulders, and my
insecure tears mingled with the water. Being alone again was scary but not
nearly as daunting as the loss of safety George had provided.

Without warning, the shower door opened, and Tony stepped
inside.
Naked.
Erect.
Gorgeous.
I couldn’t help but stare at his chiseled body and turgid cock.

“What are you doing?” I squeaked, trying not to choke on the
bubbling anxiety and hunger pumping through my veins.

“I’m going to take care of you, like I promised. Turn
around. Let me wash your back,” Tony instructed as he reached for the shower
gel and a
loofah
ball.

Unable to peel my gaze from his thick erection, I clenched
my fists, fighting the urge to slide my palm around his swollen shaft. The
distended veins and weeping broad crest was disturbingly inviting. My mouth
watered, and I yearned to drop to my knees and taste the pearls of pre-come
glistening on the tip. His cock jerked, as if reading my mind.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” I protested as I struggled to
suck the humid air into my lungs.

“We’re not doing anything, angel. I’m only here to shower
you... take care of you. I’m not going to damage your fragile heart.” He bent
forward and placed a sweet kiss on my forehead.

“Stop doing this to me,” I gasped.

“Doing what?”

“You can’t come in here, all hard and tempting, and tell me
you’re only going to wash my back. I haven’t had an orgasm for four damn days.
You being in here looking all good and shit… god, I don’t need this kind of
torture.”

“Watch your language, sweetheart,” he warned. “If you need
an orgasm,
Leagh
, I’ll give you one. But it won’t be
with my cock. Do you understand?”

“Oh, I understand perfectly. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll let
my fingers do the walking when I get settled into a hotel. But right now, I
need you to get out of here, so I can shower without having to stare at that.”
I jerked my head toward his cock. “I’m capable of washing my back, my hair,
and…everything in between. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“Turn around,
Leagh
.
Now.”

His tone demanded that my body obey even as my head
screamed;
“No!”
Stealing one more glance
at his engorged cock, I exhaled a heavy sigh, turned, and placed my palms upon
the cool marble tile. The water sprayed over my face, and I closed my eyes,
hoping it would wash away my embarrassment. Raw and on edge, I started as
Tony’s soap slick hands and scratchy
loofah
began to
caress my skin. His very touch set my skin ablaze. So many emotions overran my
senses. I was helpless to capture a single one.

“Just relax, sweetheart. That’s all I want you to do.
Nothing else,” he whispered in a silky smooth timbre.

Focused on the slow glide of Tony’s slippery fingers, my
jagged nerves seemed to smooth beneath his languid touch. When he cupped the
cheeks of my ass, I instinctively arched back and filled his palms.

“Behave,” he warned with a chuckle. “This isn’t exactly easy
for me. I’m trying to be a gentleman, and that’s difficult enough without you
adding to it, sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling the burn of embarrassment
rise on my cheeks.

“Don’t be. I can handle it. I want this to be all about you,
so just focus on relaxing for me, angel.”

I closed my eyes and did as he requested. A soft flicker of
warmth began to replace the cold void inside. I drank in the feel of his strong
fingers massaging my scalp as he worked in an earthy scented shampoo. His deep
voice, full of praise, felt like a blanket of peace, one I longed to gather in
tight and cling to until the turbulent sea of emotions inside me calmed.

“Spin back around,
Leagh
,” he
murmured as he gently cupped my shoulder.

Facing him again, I wasn’t prepared to see the depth of
desire reflecting in his eyes. Before I could second guess my actions, I
slanted my lips over his. The connection overwhelmed me, and with it, a level
of peace I hadn’t expected. I was ravenous for more. My kiss grew more
insistent, and he met my demand with his own. Sinking his tongue deep inside my
mouth, Tony tightened a fist in my hair, gripping until my scalp stung.

Leaning his solid body against mine, he pressed my back
against the cool tiles as his soapy fingers toyed and teased my nipples.
Plucking and pinching, he tugged on each elongated peak. Need bubbled and
burned beneath my clit, and I rolled my hips, desperate to feel his glorious
cock drive deep inside me. Tony issued a rumbling growl and pivoted until his
hard length lay throbbing upon my thigh. I felt him smile against my mouth as
he swallowed my whimpers of frustration.

Gliding his slick fingers down my belly, his palm came to
rest above my mound. Easing back, he peppered kisses over my jaw, down my
throat and collarbone until he captured a tight nipple between his teeth. When
he nipped at the sensitized nub, my blood surged and every nerve ending sang in
demand. I closed my eyes as he tugged first one nipple then the other, before
laving
his tongue over each aching peak. Dancing his
fingertips over my swollen folds, he teased and tempted before his hand
vanished entirely. I writhed and cried out in aggravation.