Mascot Madness! (7 page)

‘NO!' we all said at once, imagining ourselves covered in fried egg.

When Mr Brainfright arrived, he stopped and stared at us. ‘What happened to you?' he asked.

We told him about Northwest West Academy's latest cowardly attack. And while we were feeling sorry for ourselves we told him about what had happened in the rest of our sports class the previous afternoon, after he'd been sent packing by Mr Grunt.

‘I wish Mr Grunt would let you stay and cheer us on,' said Jenny. ‘I'm sure we'd be better if you were there.'

‘Probably not, though,' said Jack. ‘Let's face
it. We're just no good at sports. We couldn't even dodge a few eggs.'

‘That's not true,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Everybody has ability—even you, 5B. You just don't realise it yet . . . and until you do, you can't develop it!'

‘What do you mean?' said Jenny.

‘A mascot is an important spirit-lifter, to be sure, but so is belief in your own abilities . . . I think it's time to put you all on the Brainfright Program for Sporting Excellence.'

‘Don't tell me we have to go back outside,' whined Newton.

‘I'm still tired from yesterday,' said Penny.

‘I'm covered in egg,' said Jack.

‘Relax,' said Mr Brainfright, chuckling. ‘We don't need to go outside. The latest research shows that sporting success has much more to do with the mind than anybody ever suspected. In fact, it's possible that you could actually achieve more sitting here at your desks than you ever could on a sports field.'

‘I find that hard to believe,' said David.

‘Me too,' said Jenny. ‘My mother says that practice makes perfect.'

‘And she's right,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘But a recent study suggests that practising a skill in your mind can be just as effective—if not more so—than actually practising it with your body.'

‘But how?' said Jenny.

‘Well,' said Mr Brainfright, ‘in this study they tested two groups of basketball players. One group played basketball for half an hour every day. The other group imagined that they were playing basketball for half an hour every day. After a month, the first group showed a definite improvement in their basketball skills, as you would expect. But the second group, who had been doing imaginary practice, actually improved more! The researchers conducting the study had no choice but to conclude that the power of the mind is greater than the power of the body.'

‘But we're not playing basketball against Northwest West Academy,' said Clive. ‘It's an athletics competition!'

‘Same difference,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘It doesn't matter what the sport is—you're using the same brain.'

‘Oh, that's going to be hard for Clive, then,' said Jack. ‘Seeing as he doesn't have one.'

‘I'm telling my brother you said that,' said Clive.

‘Actually, Clive,' said Jack, ‘it was your brother who told me that you didn't have a brain in the first place.'

Clive looked confused.

‘That's enough of that,' said Mr Brainfright.
‘There are more powerful uses for our brains than using them to accuse each other of not having them.'

‘It's the truth!' said Jack. ‘A recent study of the inside of Clive's head showed that it was completely empty.'

‘That's a lie!' said Clive.

‘Clive! Jack!' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Come now. We don't have time for this. The competition is fast approaching. If Northwest Southeast Central is to have a serious chance at winning we need to get started right away. Everybody sit up straight and close your eyes.'

We sat up straight and closed our eyes.

Mr Brainfright started speaking in a very low, soothing voice. ‘Imagine that you are on the running track. You are crouched at the starting line. You can feel the spongy surface of the running track through the soles of your running shoes. Your fingers are touching the ground lightly. Your leg muscles are coiled like powerful springs. Electricity is shooting through your body. You can hear the roar of the crowd. You can smell your opponents' sweat.'

‘Euww!' said Jenny.

‘You can feel the sun on the back of your neck.'

‘Ouch, it's burning,' said Newton.

‘No it isn't,' said Mr Brainfright in his soothing voice, ‘because you applied sunscreen just before you left the changing rooms.'

‘What strength was it?' said Newton. ‘I don't think it's working.'

‘Thirty SPF,' said Mr Brainfright.

‘I need fifty SPF,' said Newton. ‘I have very sensitive skin.'

‘Fifty it is then,' said Mr Brainfright, sighing.

‘Thanks,' said Newton.

‘The starter's pistol fires,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘You take off. You run like the wind. Your legs are pumping like pistons. Your arms are pumping like . . . um . . . er . . . pistons. You look around. Your competitors are a long way behind. You feel the ribbon break against your chest. You mount the winners' podium—'

‘Can I just stand on the second-place block, please?' asked Newton.

‘No, it's the winner's block for you, Newton,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘You won the race!'

‘But it's too high on the first block,' said Newton.

‘I'm sorry, Newton,' said Mr Brainfright, ‘but in the Brainfright Program for Sporting Excellence, you are a winner, and winners have excellent balance and nerves of steel. Trust me.'

‘I'll give it a try,' said Newton.

‘Good,' Mr Brainfright said. ‘So—now that we have that straight—you mount the winners' podium and climb to the highest block.'

‘I'm doing it!' said Newton excitedly. ‘I'm actually doing it!'

‘Good for you, Newton,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘Good for all of you. You are all standing on the highest block.'

‘Isn't it a bit dangerous for us all to be standing on the same block?' Fiona asked.

‘No,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘You are each standing on your own winners' podium.'

‘What, did everyone win the race?' asked David. ‘Did we all come first?'

‘Yes!' said Mr Brainfright. ‘There are no losers in the Brainfright Program for Sporting Excellence. You are all winners. Each and every one of you. You bow your head and feel the weight of the gold medal as it is placed around your neck. You turn to the crowd and raise your fist in the air. The crowd roars. You feel amazing, powerful. There is no one you can't beat.'

‘Except for Northwest West Academy,' said Jack.

‘No, Jack,' said Mr Brainfright patiently. ‘You can even beat Northwest West Academy.'

Mr Brainfright took us through all the events.

For the hurdles, he had us imagining we were horses running in the annual Northwest steeplechase. We flew over those jumps like thoroughbreds, fast and strong and sure of foot.

We fired shot-put balls from our hands as if we were long-range cannons.

We threw discuses the entire length of the field as if they were as light as frisbees.

We hurled javelins as if we were primeval hunters who relied on our accuracy and skill for our very lives.

We pole vaulted as if we were desperate prisoners making a last-ditch attempt to scale the walls of Alcatraz.

We ran long-distance races as if we were being chased by wild, man-eating animals.

We even did the triple jump as if the ground beneath us was covered in red-hot lava.

And we won!

We won event after event.

We were unstoppable!

For the next two weeks we continued to do the Brainfright Program for Sporting Excellence in the morning, after lunch, and just before school finished for the day.

And when we weren't doing visualisations we were learning about bananas.

Now, we knew Mr Brainfright really liked bananas. After all, he did once spend a whole lesson teaching us how to eat a banana. But it was starting to get beyond a joke. Since he'd started wearing the banana suit,
all
our lessons were about bananas.

Not only was it boring to learn about bananas all the time, but seeing that suit every day was not easy. It brought back painful memories—memories that I would sooner have forgotten.

Mr Brainfright was standing at the front of the classroom in his banana suit.

‘Well, 5B,' he said, ‘I think it's time we brushed
up on some more banana facts. Did you know that bananas grow in clusters called hands and that each banana is called a finger?'

We all shook our heads—except for Fiona. ‘I did,' she said.

‘Very good, Fiona,' said Mr Brainfright. ‘But did you know that bananas are grown in at least one hundred and seven countries?'

Fiona's eyes opened wide. ‘No, I didn't know that!' she said, making a note.

Mr Brainfright continued, ‘And did you know that there's a variety of banana—called the lady finger banana—that you don't eat when it's yellow, but wait until it's gone black?'

I groaned and put my head down on my desk.

‘What's the matter with you, Henry?' said Mr Brainfright.

‘Can we please learn about something other than bananas?' I pleaded.

Mr Brainfright frowned, and then smiled. ‘Of course,' he said. ‘What did you have in mind? Would you like to do some maths?'

‘Yes!' I said, which just goes to show how desperate I was.

‘All right, then,' he said, ‘if I had two regular bananas in this hand and three sugar bananas in this hand, how many bananas would I have all together?'

‘That's not maths,' I said. ‘That's just more about bananas!'

‘I'm sorry,' said Mr Brainfright, looking a little hurt. ‘It's just that bananas are so interesting. But maybe you have a point, Henry. Perhaps I have been too narrow in my teaching of late. There is more to learn about than just bananas. For example, there are also plantains, which are very closely related to bananas . . .'

And on he went.

And on.

And on.

And on.

1. Bananas grow in bunches called hands. Each banana in a hand is called a finger and the trees they grow on are called palms.

2. Bananas can cure warts.

3. Bananas are the fruit most likely to be used to make a banana cake.

4. Their name is the most fun of all fruit names to spell aloud.

5. Bananas are the leading cause of bride-related injuries, as documented in the song, ‘Here comes the bride, all dressed in white, slipped on a banana peel and went for a ride!'

6. Bananas are very peaceful. They are definitely the quietest of all fruits.

7. Bananas are the fruit most likely to be left in the bottom of a school bag.

8. Bananas are the fruit most likely to be used to imitate a telephone.

9. Bananas feature in more jokes than any other fruit. For example:

Person A
: There's a banana in your ear.