Man From the USSR & Other Plays (23 page)

What garbage you are, Alyosha!

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Lyuba, we'd better go away,
(drags her to the left)

 

LYUBOV'

What a coward....

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

We can make it down the back stairs.... Don't you dare! Stop!
(She breaks away. Simultaneously Antonina Pavlovna comes in from the right.)

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

You know, Lyubusha, there's still broken glass crunching underfoot in the hall.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Who was it?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

It's for you. Says you had him sent from a detective agency.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Ah—that's what I thought.
(Troshcheykin goes out.)

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Quite a strange character. First thing he did was go to the bathroom.

 

LYUBOV'

You shouldn't have let him in.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

What could I do—after all, Alyosha did place an order for him. I must tell you, Lyuba, I am sincerely sorry for your husband.

 

LYUBOV'

Oh, Mama—let's stop snapping at each other all the time.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

You look terribly tired.... Go to bed, my sweet.

 

LYUBOV'

Yes, I'll go soon. Alyosha and I will probably still have to finish our fight. What does he think he's doing—inviting a detective into the house.
(Troshcheykin returns.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Antonina Pavlovna, where is he? What did you do with him? Can't find him anywhere.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I told you—he went to wash his hands.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

You didn't tell me anything,
(goes out)

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

You know, Lyubinka—I think I'll be off to bed. Good night. I want to thank you, darling....

 

LYUBOV'

For what?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Well, for the birthday celebration. I thought it was all a great success, didn't you?

 

LYUBOV'

Of course it was a success.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

There were lots of people. Lots of excitement. Even that Shnap woman wasn't too bad.

 

LYUBOV'

Well, I'm very glad you had a good time.... Mummy!

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Yes?

 

LYUBOV'

Mummy, I just had a horrible thought! Are you sure it was a detective who came and not ... someone else?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Rubbish. He immediately stuck his photograph in my hand. I think I gave it to Alyosha..No—here it is.

 

LYUBOV'

What kind of nonsense is this?...Why does he hand around his picture?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I don't know—probably they're supposed to—

 

LYUBOV'

Why is he in a medieval costume? What is this—King Lear? “To my respecters: my respects.” What kind of tomfoolery
is
this?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

He said he was from the detective agency. That's all I know. It must be some kind of secret sign.... Tell me, did you hear what our writer said about my story?

 

LYUBOV'

No.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

That it is something halfway between a poem in prose and prose in verse. I think it was a compliment. What do you say?

 

LYUBOV'

Of course it was a compliment.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

And did you like it?

 

LYUBOV'

Very much.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Only some parts or the whole thing?

 

LYUBOV'

The whole thing, the whole thing. Mummy, in a moment I'm going to burst into tears. Please go to bed.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Would you like some of my drops?

 

LYUBOV'

I don't want anything. I want to die.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

You know what your mood reminds me of?

 

LYUBOV'

Please, Mummy....

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

No, it's a strange thing.... You were nineteen, and crazy about Barbashin, and would come home more dead than alive, and I was afraid to say a word to you.

 

LYUBOV'

In that case you ought to be afraid now, too.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Promise me you won't do anything rash or unreasonable. Promise me, Lyubinka!

 

LYUBOV'

Is it any of your business? Stop nagging me.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I am not afraid of the same thing as Alyosha. I fear something very different.

 

LYUBOV'

And I'm telling you: leave me alone! You live in your world, and I live in mine. Let's not try to set up interplanetary communications. Nothing will come of it anyway.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I am very sad that you withdraw into yourself like this. I often think you are unfair toward Alyosha. You have to admit he is a very good man and worships you.

 

LYUBOV'

What is this, a tactical maneuver?

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

No, it's just that I keep remembering certain things.... Your insanity at the time, and what Father used to say to you.

 

LYUBOV'

Good night.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

And now somehow it's happening all over again. May the good Lord help you overcome it this time, too.

 

LYUBOV'

Stop it, stop it, stop it.... It's you yourself who are involving me in some turbid, viscous, trite staging of the senses. I don't want it. What does it have to do with you? Alyosha plagues me with his fears, and you with yours. Leave me alone, both of you. Keep away from me. Who cares if for six years I've been squeezed and stretched until I turned into some kind of gazelle-like provincial vamp, huge eyes and nothing else? I don't want it. And, furthermore, what right do
you
have to interrogate me? After all, you really couldn't care less—you just gather momentum and then can't stop....

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Just one question, then I'll go to bed: are you going to see him?

 

LYUBOV'

I shall send the nurse with a note in French.
⁷
I'll fly to him. I'll leave my husband. I'll...

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Lyuba, you're ... you're joking, aren't you?

 

LYUBOV'

Yes. It's a draft for the third act.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

I hope to God he has fallen out of love with you during these years—if not, we're in for no end of trouble.

 

LYUBOV'

Mother, stop it! Stop, do you hear?
(Troshcheykin enters from the right and turns back to speak in the direction of the door.)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

In here, please....

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

(to Lyubov')
Good night. God bless you.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Why did you get stuck out there in the hallway? These are just old magazines, just rubbish—don't bother with them.

 

ANTONINA PAVLOVNA

Good night, Alyosha.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Sleep well, sleep well,
(toward the door)
In here, please.
(Antonina Pavlovna goes out. Enter Barboshin. He is wearing sporty clothes: a checked suit consisting of jacket and plus fours; but he has a tragic actor's head, with long grayish-red hair. His movements are slow and sweeping. He is solemnly absentminded. He is a detective with a Dostoyevskian flawed soul. He enters, and bows deeply to Lyubov'.)

 

BARBOSHIN

I bow not to you, no, not to you, but to all wives who are deceived, strangled, and burned, and to the lovely adulteresses of the last century beneath their veils thick as night itself.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

This is my studio. The attempted murder took place in here. I fear that he will be attracted precisely to this room.

 

BARBOSHIN

You child! What enchanting, philistine naivete! No, the place of the crime attracted criminals only until that fact became the property of the general public. When a wild canyon becomes a resort, the eagles fly away,
(with another deep bow to Lyubov')
I bow also to reticent wives, to pensive ones.... I bow to the enigma of womanhood....

 

LYUBOV'

Alyosha, what does this gentleman want from me?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

(softly)
Don't be afraid, everything is under control. This is the best man the local private detective agency could give me.

 

BARBOSHIN

Those who are in love should be advised that I have been trained to hear asides even more clearly than normal speech. This shoe has been bothering me for a long time,
(pulls it off)

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

I also wanted you to investigate the window.

 

BARBOSHIN

(investigating the shoe)
Just as I thought: a nail. Yes, you gave your spouse a correct description of me. This past spring I had a particularly successful season. A small hammer, or something.... All right, give me that.... Incidentally, I had one most interesting assignment right here on your street. A case of ultra-adultery, type B, Series 18. Unfortunately, for obvious reasons of professional ethics, I cannot name any names. But I'm sure you know her: Mrs. Tamara Grekov, age 23, blond, with pomeranian dog.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

The window, please....

 

BARBOSHIN

Excuse me for limiting myself to hints. The secret of the confessional. But back to business. What is it you don't like about this excellent window?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Look: right next to it is a drainpipe up which it's very easy to climb.

 

BARBOSHIN

The counter-client could break his neck.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

He's agile as a monkey!

 

BARBOSHIN

In that case, I can suggest a certain secret method, employed infrequently but to good effect. You will be pleased. The thing to do is install a so-called False Comice, i.e., a cornice or window ledge that detaches at the slightest pressure. It comes with a three-year guarantee. Is the implication clear?

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Yes, but how shall we go about it?...Workmen will be needed.... It's late!

 

BARBOSHIN

Oh, it's not so important; anyway, I'll be walking under your windows until dawn, as we agreed. Incidentally, you'll find it quite curious to watch how I do it. Instructive and fascinating. In short, only dunces walk to and fro like a pendulum. I do it this way.
(walks)
I walk in a preoccupied manner along one side of the street, then cross to the other on a reverse diagonal.... So.... And, just as preoccupied, walk along the other side. Thus, initially, you get the letter “N.” Then I traverse on the opposite diagonal, making a cross ... so ... returning to the point of departure, and then I repeat the whole process. Now: you see that I always move along both sidewalks in the same direction, thereby achieving inconspicuousness and naturalness. This is Dr. Rubini's method. There are others.

 

LYUBOV'

Alyosha, send him home. He gives me the creeps. I'm going to scream in a minute.

 

BARBOSHIN

There is absolutely no need to worry, Madam. You may go beddy-bye without a worry in the world, and, in case of insomnia, observe my movements from your window. There's a full moon tonight, and it'll be very effective. One further observation: I generally receive an advance, as the party under protection sometimes suddenly disappears for no reason at all.... But you are so beautiful, the night so moonlit, that I feel somehow embarrassed to broach the subject.

 

TROSHCHEYKIN

Well, thank you. This is all very comforting.

 

BARBOSHIN