Malcolm (Book 1, The Redemption Series) (20 page)

Malcolm built her the house they’re standing in as a gift to show her how much she truly means to him. Building things is his talent, and in the back of his mind, Malcolm hoped to be able to bring her here and show her proof of his complete and utter devotion and love. He had planned to bring her here before she made a permanent commitment to Brand, but he’s too late. She’s already engaged to be married to Brand, a promise he knows, deep down in his heart, she will never break.

Of anyone in this world, she is the one person who has even gotten close to breaching the barrier he uses to protect his heart. He may use sexual innuendos and humor to show how much he desires her physically, but what he truly wants, what he desires the most, is a place inside her heart. He wants to say these things to her but knows he shouldn’t. It would only ruin the happiness Lilly is feeling in that moment and making her unhappy is something he will never knowingly do. The only thing he can do now is try and support her decision and continue to keep his deepest desires to himself.

“I thought it would be nice if you had somewhere all your own to go to,” he tells her instead, continuing to caress the side of her face with his hand. “You deserve this and so much more, dearest. I could give you the world if you would just let me.”

“Malcolm, I …”

“No, don’t say it,” he tells her, not needing a reminder of her love for Brand because that’s all too evident every time they’re around one another. “I know. Just let me fantasize for a moment that this is our house and that you love me more than you do him.”

He pulls her into his arms and holds her for a long time, much longer than he intended to. He doesn’t want her to see the pain or tears in his eyes as he tries to come to terms with the fact that she will never be his to love and cherish. They will never live in this house like he hoped and raise a family together. He will never be allowed to have true happiness on this Earth because she will always belong to another.

The blinding light of the sun dissolves the tender moment, and I hear the crash of waves lapping against the shoreline.

Malcolm’s sitting in a lounge chair watching Lilly walk along the edge of the white, sandy beach, picking up the occasional seashell as incoming waves bring them ashore. He’s thinking about a striptease dance he did for her and how she almost let him kiss her not long afterwards. He had felt her desire for him in that private moment they shared and gained a new sense of hope that maybe she and Brand weren’t actually soul mates after all. Perhaps, with just a little bit of persuasion, he could find a way to make her face her feelings for him. He knew she loved him…in some way. But, was it just the love of one friend for another, or had it grown into the same type of all-consuming love he felt for her?

No woman had ever thwarted his advances like Lilly did. In all of history, he had been able to have whoever he wanted whenever he wanted. Was that part of her appeal to him? Was he simply trying to conquer her heart because her love for Brand seemed beyond his ability to break through?

Lilly looks over at him and smiles, holding up an unbroken sand dollar she just found.

No, he decides in that moment. He doesn’t want Lilly just because she’s someone he can’t seem to have. He wants her because he loves her and can’t pass up what might be his last opportunity to have her choose him instead of Brand. This will be the last day they’ll be able to share before she consecrates her marriage vows, a forever commitment to Brand. It’s now or never and Malcolm plans to make sure she knows how much he loves her. He knows he can be just as good for her as Brand. He also knows things might not be that simple. If she and Brand are destined to be together, there will be nothing he can do to change that.

The scene shifts to what seems like sometime later in the day. Lilly is lying down on one of the lounge chairs underneath the umbrella sleeping. Malcolm just watches her for a long time, uncertain if he should tempt fate and possibly ruin their friendship or jump in with both feet and make her face her feelings for him. Never being one to just stand idly by, he decides on the later.

He stands from his chair and walks over to her. After he kneels on the sand beside her, he gently traces the outline of her face with the tips of his fingers, marveling at her beauty, inside and out. He gently caresses every contour of her face, finally sliding his fingers lightly across the bridge of her nose, over the plump, tender flesh of her lips then down the gentle slope of her neck stopping at a point just above her breast, not daring to disrespect her by going further but yearning to touch all of her and bring her the pleasure he knows he can if she would let him. His hand trembles slightly from his desires, but he holds himself back.

He feels her staring at him and knows this is the moment that will decide his fate. When he looks up at her, he silently questions whether or not she’ll let him kiss her.

He feels like this might be his one and only chance to find out if she can love him more than Brand. He has to find out if there’s any hope at a future with the woman he’s given his heart to, or if he will always have to stand in the background and watch her be happy with another man.

He lowers his lips to hers tentatively at first, but when she doesn’t push him away or ask him to stop, his heart flares with hope that maybe she’s chosen him. Maybe he wasn’t deluding himself into thinking he could never win her heart.

He plunges both of his hands into her hair as he worships the feel of her lips against his, causing him to let out an involuntary moan of pleasure. He soon feels the warm trickle of tears escape the corners of her eyes and slide over each of his hands as he continues to cradle her. He pulls back and tenderly kisses the wet trail of tears away.

“Lilly, why are you crying?” he asks. It was one of the happiest moments in his life, yet the woman he loved, the woman he would do anything for, was crying.

“This isn’t right, Malcolm,” Lilly says to him, shaking her head.

“Of course it is,” he replies, planting small kisses all over her face. “You love me.”

“But I love Brand more.”

Malcolm looks down at her and sees the certainty of her love for Brand inside her soul. The pain of this simple truth completely engulfs Malcolm as he realizes she is truly lost to him. She was never meant to be his, and he will have to live with that fact for the rest of his life.

“If we still had four years, do you think you could come to love me more than him?”

Lilly doesn’t even hesitate in her answer, “No.”

Malcolm sighs in defeat, knowing his dream of making Lilly his was never meant to be. He was deluding himself thinking someone like her could be meant for him. He wasn’t good enough for her. He would never be good enough for someone like her. Maybe the real curse from his father was having Lilly thrust into his life but never being able to build a future with the woman who stole his heart.

He leans his forehead against hers seeing her refusal of him as proof of this assumption.

“May I have one last kiss, dearest Lilly, before I make my heart let you go?”

Lilly nods to my surprise and apparently Malcolm’s too.

Not wanting to waste his last chance to truly kiss her like a man kisses the woman he loves, with every part of his being, Malcolm leans down and presses his lips to hers, feeling the hot sting of his own sorrow burn his eyes.

The scene changes to one of Malcolm and Will walking Lilly down the aisle of a church toward an altar where a handsome man, who I have to assume is Brand, awaits her. Malcolm looks over at Lilly and feels his heart completely break at the happy smile on her face.

He knows she is happier in that moment than she has ever been in her life. He welcomes her joy and makes a silent promise to her that he will never let her know how much this moment is costing him. The pain deep within his soul is almost unbearable, yet he smiles at her when she looks over at him because he never wants to be someone who makes her cry. He never wants her to pity him because he can’t seem to make his heart let her go. He may have told her that he would that day on the beach, but forcing himself to let her go is an impossible task. She will always hold his heart, and he knows he is doomed to live with the knowledge that she has always and will always belong to another.

The only way he can truly show his love for her is to be her friend and simply love her from afar. He intends to remain a part of her and Brand’s family for as long as they will allow because not having her in his life would not be living at all. Living with the pain of his loss will be bearable as long as they can remain friends. He secretly vows to her in the house of his father that he will always protect her and her family.

Years pass and Malcolm stays true to his vow to Lilly. He becomes an uncle to her and Brand’s children and dotes on them like a second father. In fact, that’s exactly what the kids seem to think of him as. Malcolm’s love and loyalty to Lilly stays strong and true through everything, never wavering, never slackening in strength.

The next memory finds Malcolm standing on the front porch of a house with a woman I haven’t seen yet, but I know who she is, Jess.

Malcolm grins at her. “So I heard about the date last night.”

Jess’ eyes narrow on him. “Who told you about that?”

“Isaiah.”

She simply shakes her head in resignation. “I didn't realize he was the gossiping type.”

Malcolm shrugs. “Like I've told you before, we've all been worried about Mason for years. We like seeing him happy for probably the first time in his life. Don't begrudge us sharing in your happiness. It's been a long time coming.”

“It's just…kinda weird. All of you rooting for us. Freaks me out a little bit. I feel like everything we do is being judged by all of you.”

Malcolm shakes his head. “Not judged, just observed from afar.”

“What about you?” Jess asks.

Malcolm is confused by the question. “What about me?”

“I don't understand how you can be around Lilly and Brand so much. Even I can feel the love they share for one another when I'm around them, and I barely know them. How can you stand to be around them when you're in love with Lilly?”

Malcolm wasn’t prepared for such a question from Jess and isn’t completely sure he wants to answer it. Finally he says, “I love her enough to only want to see her happy.”

“But don't you deserve to find happiness with someone who can love you back?”

“My happiness stems from Lilly and her family's happiness. Besides, I'm not sure there is a person for me.”

“Maybe she just hasn't been born yet,” Jess suggest wisely.

“Perhaps.” Malcolm reluctantly agrees, but feels certain true love is something he’s never meant to find.

Malcolm briefly thinks back to a time when his father offered him forgiveness from his sins. Apparently, it was sometime right after he helped Lilly defeat Lucifer. Lucifer had set into motion a plan to destroy the universe which ended up resulting in something called the Tear. Malcolm refused his forgiveness then because he simply didn’t feel like he had done enough to deserve it.

It wasn’t until after Jess and some people who were vessels for six other archangels sealed the Tear that he finally accepted forgiveness from his father.

“Why have you let yourself be tortured for longer than you needed to be?” his father asked him.

They were standing near the top of a pyramid. It was night time and only the light of the moon lit the scene.

God didn’t look like what I expected. He was tall with skin so dark I could barely see him in the shadow of night. His eyes were penetrating as he looked at Malcolm, waiting for an answer.

“I had to feel like I earned it,” Malcolm replies. “I think I have now.”

God rests his hand on Malcolm’s shoulders, and I instantly feel the weight of guilt Malcolm has been carrying around for centuries finally lift from his soul as he fully accepts God’s grace.

When God drops his hand from Malcolm’s shoulder, Malcolm turns to him because he needs an answer to a question he has been pondering for the past few years.

“Why?”

God looks at Malcolm and you can tell from the knowing expression on his face he understands the real question he is asking.

“Because you needed Lilly to show you that you could love again, my son,” God answers. “She made you realize that there was more to life than what you were allowing for yourself. Your guilt was eating your soul away until only a few fragments were left by the time you first met her. By allowing her inside and proving to yourself that you were a person worthy of befriending, she helped you rebuild your soul and become whole again.”

“I want to be made human after she dies,” Malcolm says with no hesitation in the request. “I don’t want to live here any longer than I have to after she’s gone.”

God nods. “I will grant you your wish if you ask it of me. But, I hope you will reconsider the request before that time comes.”

“What would be the point?”

“I have only wanted what was best for you, Malcolm. And, I think you would miss out on your own happiness one day if you chose to end your life prematurely.”

“I don’t see how I could possibly find happiness without Lilly being with me to share in it.”

God sighs. “Lilly was never yours to have,” he says as a gentle reminder, “I think you know that.”