Madness (Revenge Series Book 3) (24 page)

I nod and go back to enjoying my coffee.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Better than I deserve,” I answer then roll my sore shoulders in small circles.

“And the girl?” Cubby looks more than curious, but I don’t allow my true feeling to show.

“Josslyn’s doing better. Although, she will be sore for a while.” I look off in the distance, my thoughts flashing back to last night. For that one moment, I gave her something undiscovered that will never be unearthed again.

“So, where do you go from here?” Cubby asks. “Is she part of the next step?”

My gut sinks to my feet at the thought of the answer to that question. I will tell her good-bye today. I will never see her again, and she will start her life over with peace and happiness. The painful memories of her past will be where they belong—far behind her in the rearview mirror.

“She’s done.” It’s all I can say because that’s what she is to me—done. Done with it all.

“The sting from a woman will always hurt ten times worse than any pain man can inflict on your body. And when she’s gone, it no longer hurts you … It devastates you,” Cubby says in passing as he retreats to the bathroom.

“I know,” I whisper to no one, knowing the pain will eventually surround me.

C
HAPTER
T
WENTY-
N
INE

Josslyn

August 26, 2015 4:27 p.m.

N
ikolai slowly pulls his car to a stop after he pulls it into the parking spot outside of Kievsky Station. The summer air feels nice against my skin, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I was still worried to be on the streets by myself. Moscow is a lovely place, but what lurks in the recesses of the beauty is truly frightening.

Once I woke, I walked out to find a kitchen filled with fresh fruit and bread. There was a pot of coffee brewing and freshly squeezed juice. My stomach rumbled, knowing I hadn’t eaten in two days. After I ate, I found a new suitcase in the bedroom filled with clothes and all the toiletries I use on a regular basis. Mine were left in Grozny and are now probably in the trash.

We didn’t say much to each other, because what surrounds us is now altered even more. We were always on the opposite end of the scale: him being a killer and I being a cop. We only joined forces to find the same man who ruined our lives.

In light of what I know about his past, what exists between us is strained. Now, as we sit in the car at Kievsky Station, there is an aura of uncertainty floating through the air. But that is not what really plagues me with sadness.

This is the moment we part ways forever. Nikolai being my prisoner is utterly pointless since I know his promise wasn’t ever going to be honored. Maybe I believed that when I first left on this journey with him, but after everything, I am over that thought. I would rather move on with my life than know Nikolai is rotting away in prison.

He steps from the car, moving across the front and over to my side, opening the door. I step out, feeling his fingers lace through mine as my small suitcase is pulled behind me. It feels so surreal and tragic.

My heart is swelling with an ache, and I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I have had feelings before, maybe even loved someone once, but it didn’t feel like this when we went our separate ways. Imagine a heroine addict quitting cold turkey. You simply can’t. You can’t imagine the layers of pain, of want and longing, and the desperateness of pining for something you can never truly have. Unless you have been at the center of the storm, you can never fathom the true pain of it all. It’s the brutal definition of the word tragedy.

Nikolai awoke something unknown inside of me, something that made me stronger and more dangerous. He took one look at this tough cop and made her better. He believed I could be the person he needed on this dangerous yet important mission, and coming from someone like Nikolai, that’s crucial. I earned his trust. He relied on me and had to let go of some of the control to trust I could do what he needed me to do. That in itself took an extraordinary amount of effort on his part. We made a great team. We understood each other’s actions, and when I was by his side, I felt alive!

We are standing in the hub of the train station where people are coming and going, buying tickets and kissing their loved ones good-bye. This is where we will split, never to be seen together again.

“Here.” Nikolai hands me a train ticket, and I tuck it inside my jeans pocket. “See that man over there? The man with the red ball cap?”

I turn my head and spot the small yet muscular man in the crowd.

“Yeah,” I reply and focus back on his face. The curve of his cut jaw and the slight stubble of the day sprinkled over it made him look mysteriously attractive. The way his brow crinkles between his eyes whenever he is deep in thought causes all of my fingertips to tingle, itching to touch him.

“His name is Aleksandr Makarova, and he assures me you will get home safely. If you need anything, he will get it for you, okay?”

I look back over at the man in the red hat as he stands by the boarding entrance. Then I look back at Nikolai.

The last place I want to be is away from his side. I don’t want to leave him. I want to love him. Wait … Do I? Do I actually love this man standing in front of me?

I can’t leave him. Not now, not until I really know how I feel about him. I have to take this leap because I’m tired of wondering if something will happen or pretending it will in my head. I want to experience it. I want to live it, to feel the pain and endure it, to feel the love and surrender to it. If I walk away now, I will never know if what is growing in my heart is real. It will only be a fantasy, and fuck the fantasy. I want the truth, the bittersweet, can’t-live-without-you kind of feeling. I deserve that kind of ever after, and Nikolai is the only person who can give it to me.

“I … I …” I stutter, knowing what I want to say, but I can’t utter a single word.

Nikolai’s eyes slant as he contemplates what I am going say. The crinkle between his brows makes him look impossibly sexy.

“I … can’t go,” I finally say.

“You have to,” he says as he sweeps away a stray hair tangled in my lashes. “You don’t belong here.”

“I belong with you.” My words are bold, and he can’t question where I’m going with this conversation.

“No, you don’t, Josslyn. You don’t want this kind of life. It will only end as it began … painfully.”

“I don’t care. I’m not leaving,” I stand firm and let my suitcase fall over onto the marble floor.

“No, Josslyn. I will only get you killed. You can’t stay.”

“I’m not leaving unless you’re beside me!” My voice is loud and defiant. I refuse to let him walk out of this room without me by his side. Where I belong is next to him.

“I’m no good for you.” His voice doesn’t elevate, but his tone gets darker and more commanding.

“Yes, you are!”

“Think back to how this started, Josslyn. You were my prisoner. I roped you into coming on this journey with me, only to use you as bait. That’s it. I didn’t need you to find Stravinsky; I would have eventually found him. But with you as my lure, I knew it would be easier to get to him. He would come out of hiding to see if you were the girl who survived that night.”

“I guess a part of me already knew that, but I still don’t care.”

“I tipped off the scouts and told them where to find you. Because of me, you were kidnap, Josslyn.”

My face falls as my heart stops. The terror of the auction floods back in. All the pain and uncertainty of what was going to happened hovers over my heart like a black cloud.

“I used you to get to him. I set the trap to find Stravinsky, and you were the bait.” Nikolai raises his hands to my face and holds my cheeks. His palms are warm, sending sparks all over my body. “Does that sound like a good person to you?”

I freeze. I am numb, yet my chest aches with pain. I know he’s right. Having Nikolai in my life is a nightmare masked as a glorious dream. My life will be exactly like his. Between the adrenaline-fueled moments, there will be loneliness, pain, and blood. That’s what his life has consisted of since he was a young boy. Staying by his side will only mirror that, and I don’t want that. I can’t go on with my life knowing that’s what it will truly be like. The thought was insane, and I should never have allowed my heart to feed my wishes.

“What will I do now?” I whisper as the tears drip down my face and over my lips.

Nikolai leans in and presses his soft, warm lips to mine. My tears mix with the sweetness of his kiss and the devastation of my heart.

I savor every slow and deliberate movement, tasting his tongue and feeling his stubble brush against my face.

He pulls his face away from mine, his eyes glazed over with sadness, and whispers, “Live, my dear. You’re going to live.”

Nikolai turns on his heels.

As I blink away my tears, he steps into the crowd and vanishes.

E
PILOGUE

Josslyn

March 17, 2016 7:47 p.m.

M
y body is tired. I can barely lift my legs as I begin to ascend the stairs outside my apartment. I trudge inside, tossing my bag to the floor and plopping my weary body on the couch. It’s been a horrible day. If any sliver of goodness could have happened today, it didn’t. All I could manage was trying to keep my annoyance capped long enough to make it through the eleven-hour shift. I spent the entire day in a state of pissed off and on the verge of punching anyone I interacted with.

Saint fucking Patrick’s Day. I hate working a holiday when people binge drink and try to be invincible. It’s just as bad or worse than New Year’s Eve. The weather was decent for most of the day, which only added fuel to the drunken fire. Nice, warm days bring out the crazies. Add in booze, and all that equals me fending off drunken men’s advances, frayed nerves, and an itchy trigger finger. My captain appointed some homicide detectives to work during the madness today, all assigned to a certain location.

Two years ago, Blythe Harbor’s finest bars decided to get together and host a huge block party in the town square. This allows all the entrepreneurs to make some cash, and people are able to get loaded as they walk around with green tutus on and stupid hats. The bars hired the Blythe Harbor police department to work the crowd control and keep everything copasetic. How I got roped in this gig is unknown to me, but I credit it to my turning over a new leaf.

When I started as a detective at the police department, I was awful to work with. Mainly because I didn’t want a partner, and I was a barracuda when it came to hunting criminals. In walks Nikolai Petrov. He opened my eyes to a world I’ve only read about, a world that lies between luxury and the pits of Hell. He helped me settle a fifteen-year debt and helped me find peace along the way.

When I left him in Moscow, I was distraught and exhausted. My heart was aching to be with him in any way he would have me. I was desperate. At first, I couldn’t understand why he would turn me way. I was certain we were going to run off into the sunset and be this assassin couple with a Hollywood type of finale. However, it was a fantasy. I had been through so much pain and emotional torture over the few weeks I spent with him that it was nearly impossible to muster up any kind of energy to put up a fight, but I did. I was sure it was him and me and the ever after that belonged together. Then reality hit. I could never have the life I envisioned if I remained with him. The feelings growing for Nikolai were intense, and our attraction was undeniable. But, as much as I wanted him, it would have been impossible to live Nikolai’s lifestyle, and he couldn’t survive any other way, because being a criminal and a killer was all he knew. I was aware of the possibilities of a future if I said goodbye to him that day, and as hard as it was to do, I walked away.

“Hey, Joss,” Gabe says when he walks from the kitchen, holding two Irish beers in his hands. “You look beat.”

I smile at him, mustering up the energy to say, “I am.”

Gabe leans forward, handing me my beer, and then places a kiss on my lips. My anxiety withers away the moment he touches his warm, soft lips to mine. The gesture is exactly what I needed, and I welcome it again and again as he kisses me a couple more times.

He plops his muscled frame down next to me on the couch and holds up his beer. “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.”

I roll my eyes, and we clink our bottles together.

The rich earthy taste of the ice cold beer is delicious after a long day. I turn on the couch and stretch my long legs over Gabe’s lap. He pulls my shoes off and begins to massage my feet. His hands work my aching muscles in my calves then back down over the balls of my feet. My frame starts to melt into the cushions with every squeeze from his hands.

This has been my life since returning from Russia. I was taken by train to Saint Petersburg then was put on the same private jet to London. Then I was transported commercially from London to Seattle, stopping in Chicago along the way. Nikolai’s bodyguard, Aleksandr Makarova, accompanied me the entire way. He made sure I had all the correct documents for travel, yet he barely spoke two words to me. Once I was in Seattle, Manny was waiting for me, and he drove me back to Blythe Harbor. I spent the entire two-day trek sleeping and trying to muster up a story to tell everyone else to explain why I was gone. I couldn’t tell them what really happened. I wanted Nikolai to be free of his past here, and I wanted it to end as abruptly as it started.

The fake story was simple. I was kidnapped by the unidentified killer. He used me to help him get out of the country, and once he was able, I was to be set free. However, once I arrived in Russia, I managed to escape, and I killed him. My story is extremely vague, and I pretend it was so traumatic I cannot speak about it with anyone.

Gabe thinks I see a counselor in Seattle to help me deal with the trauma of what I experienced. However, I don’t. I drive to the city and reflect on my time spent with Nikolai and swallow down the horrors and heartache that always invade. Sometimes as I sleep, nightmares of the man who whipped me as I laid nearly naked and fighting for my life in a human auction wake, and I feel twinges from the scar in the middle of my back. However, it’s Nikolai’s icy blue eyes that haunt me and keep me awake most nights. Almost every single night when I go to bed, I see him off in the distance. When I look through the darkness, his eyes become my beacon, and I’m lead to him. The electricity his body ignites inside of me has me dreaming of another life, and some nights, it’s so real I consider disappearing for good to find him.