Made for You (19 page)

“It was supposed to be our secret,” she said, keeping her voice low and calm.

His face contorted in disgust. “And who decided that?”

Brynn blinked. “We did.”

“No, we sure as hell didn’t!” he exploded, throwing his arms in the air.

She stared at him in stunned silence. She didn’t know what was more shocking, the fact that the usual implacable Will was having an outburst, or what the outburst itself suggested.

“What are you talking about?” she said, frowning in confusion. “We decided three years ago after that…mistake…that we wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Did we really? Because that’s not the way I remember it.”

“But—”

He didn’t let her finish. “The way I remember it, a woman I’d known forever showed up on my front porch, screwed my brains out, and then promptly swore me to secrecy like I was some sort of humiliating disease.”

Brynn scoffed. “Don’t even try to make it sound like you wanted to go public. You’ve always hated me.”

He didn’t respond, but his eyes were fierce as he moved even closer. This time, instinct
did
have Brynn stepping back until her heels hit the tub. Her heart began to pound. She’d seen a lot of versions of Will over the years, but never this one.

The man was livid.

And she had no idea why.

“Will, let’s just calm down a sec. Let me put some clothes on and we can discuss this like rational adults.”

He let out a harsh laugh. “Do you even hear yourself? A guy is standing here trying to tell you something and all you want to do is be rational.”

Brynn licked her dry lips, all instincts on high alert. “Fine. What do you want to tell me?”

His eyes roamed over her hair, his chin resting against his chest briefly in defeat before he raised his head again. “Just forget it.”

Before she realized what she was doing, she reached out a pleading hand. “Wait, I want to know—”

He backed out of her reach. “No, you don’t, Brynn. You really don’t. If you did, you would have shown some sort of reaction when I showed up with
another woman
at your family’s house tonight.”

“Well, I certainly showed emotion when you sold me out to my parents!”

His hands found her shoulders and gave her a little shake. “And what was it you were feeling, Brynn? Anger? Embarrassment?’

Hurt.

She took a breath. Then another. And then said it. “It hurt.”

His lips twisted slightly. “It was supposed to.”

She shouldn’t be surprised, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

“Why?” she asked in a small voice.

He ignored her question. “What exactly are you so scared of, Brynn? That all your friends will turn their backs on you because you didn’t marry a doctor? My God, do you really think a
friend
would even care?”

“No,” she said in a small voice.

“Then why? Why don’t I even get a chance?”

“Because guys like you aren’t interested in girls like me!” she exploded. “Not for keeps, anyway!”

His jaw dropped slightly. “What the hell are you even talking about? What do you mean guys like me?”

She rolled her shoulders restlessly. “You know. Popular guys. And then the not-so-popular girls.”

Will stared at her for several seconds. “Hold up. Did we just take a time machine to high school? God, is that why you always date boring nerds? Because they won’t reject you?”

A time machine to
before
high school, actually
, she thought. But she’d already said way more than she’d wanted to. “Can you please just…leave?” she asked weakly.

“Not until you explain. Are you pushing me away because you’re holding on to some shitty memories of when you were a little chubby and awkward?”

She sucked in a small breath. “You don’t know anything about it.”

“Damn straight! Because you never told me.”

“Because it’s painful,” she said. She waited to feel righteous. Waited to feel justified in her confession. Instead, she felt…small. And a little pathetic.

“Look, Brynn…don’t let a few ancient insecurities ruin this.”

“There’s nothing to ruin.”

“Bullshit,” he said plainly.

Her hair was sticking to her neck and it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. Why the hell was he pushing this? She needed him out. She needed space. She needed…

“We’re not right for each other,” she said, tightening the towel around her and forcing herself to take deep, even breaths.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re all charming and easygoing, and everyone loves you just by looking at you, and you’re going to wake up one day and realize that you don’t want me.”

Will threw his hands up in the air. “Dammit, Brynn! You’re not Dumpy Dalton anymore!”

A gasp ripped out of her at his words. Words she hadn’t heard in…

“Where’d you hear that name?” she whispered.

He took a deep breath. “Sophie.”

She would
kill
her sister.

“Well, then she also probably told you about how I…”

“Yeah, yeah, how you were unpopular, and probably a little weird and you had bad skin, bad teeth, a limp, whatever.”

A limp?

“But, Brynn…you’ve got to get over it.”

Hot anger rushed over it. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare tell me how I’m supposed to feel. You don’t know what it was like.”

His face softened slightly. “You’re right, I don’t. And I hate that kids were mean to you. Hate that
I
was mean to you, even though all I ever wanted was for you to
look
at me. Bullying is real, and it’s vicious, and I wish like hell that I could go back and beat up anyone who ever made you cry, my past self included. But it was what, fifteen years ago? You’ve
got
to stop letting it ruin your adult life.”

It was as though his words ripped through her very soul, reaching for its most damaged nerve and searing it.

And in that moment, she really, truly hated him.

Hated even more that there was truth in his statement. Truth she wasn’t ready to deal with.

“Get out,” she said, after several tense moments passed between them.

He closed his eyes briefly. “If I walk out that door, I won’t be coming back, Brynn. Ever.”

Her stomach lurched.
Ever?
“But…”

He met her eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. You’re killing me from the inside out. You’ll be able to walk away with a tiny little battle wound. But me? I’ll be…”

Will didn’t finish the sentence, but her heart began to pound anyway. “What are you talking about? You can’t do
what
anymore?”

His face crumpled slightly as he reached out a finger toward her cheek. “Brynny. Do you have any idea what I felt when you showed up on my front porch that night three years ago?”

She tried for a smile to lighten the mood. “Horny?”

He didn’t smile back. “I felt like my entire life was finally about to start.”

Brynn literally felt her heart skip a beat.

“But it was just sex,” she whispered.

He didn’t respond.

“Wasn’t it?” she asked, her voice cracking.

He continued as though he hadn’t heard her. “I waited
so long
for you to come to me. I was on top of the world. And not even a week later, I find you on a date with some other guy.”

Her mind reeled, remembering. “You came over to return something my mom asked you to drop off, not to see me. And if I remember correctly, you were a total dick. Two days later, you were gone.”

His jaw tightened. “Did you care that I moved?”

No.

Yes.

Yes, I cared.

“I just thought you might have mentioned something that big, even to me,” she said softly.

“I didn’t mention it because I didn’t know I wasn’t going to move until I got on the plane.”

Brynn shook her head. “What do you mean you didn’t know? You moved across the country; you must have had
some
idea.”

“Nope.”

“That’s ridiculous. Who changes three time zones without a plan?”

He gave the smallest of smiles. “You and your plans.”

She took a deep breath. “So you moved because we slept together?”

Will went very still, his eyes dark and pleading. “I moved because I couldn’t stand the thought of watching you with other guys. Not after we’d been together. I moved because I didn’t want to be your dirty little secret, Brynn. I still don’t.”

Brynn froze. “You mean…you want…”

“Yeah,” he said with a harsh laugh. “I
want
. I want to hold your hand, and take you to the movies, and be
with
you when we go to your parents for dinner, and I want you to call me when you have a flat tire.”

“I did call you when I had a flat tire.” It felt like the safest thing to say at the moment.

“You think that wasn’t planned?”

She snorted. “How could you plan a flat tire?”

He just looked at her and her jaw dropped.

“You gave me a flat tire?”

Will didn’t bother looking the slightest bit guilty. “I would have done anything to get you to notice me.”

Her world tilted slightly at the implications of that. “Notice you how?”

“You know.”

She did know. But still her brain rejected it. “You…That’s why you moved next door? That’s the game you were playing?”

“It was never a game, Princess. Not to me.”

“So you…you’ve wanted us…me…you…to be like, a thing?”

He gave a curt nod.

Brynn’s fingers dropped again to the mark on her hip. “One step closer to what, Will? What does it mean?”

His hands were on her shoulders again, only this time he pressed her into the wall, his breath coming harsh and fast as he lifted her to her toes, shaking her. “Not one step closer to
what
, Brynn. One step closer to
who
. One step closer to
me
. After all these years, you finally came to me. Finally took a step in the right direction. And I didn’t want you to forget it.”

Brynn’s vision went fuzzy and her mouth went dry.
“All these years…?”

He closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, the emotion was so raw that she almost gasped.

No.

She put a hand up to stop him. “Will.”

He grasped her fingers, refusing to be silenced. “I’ve loved you every day. Every single Goddamn day since you first flicked your hair at me on the football field in that tiny cheerleading skirt.”

Brynn’s entire body trembled even as her brain shied away from his words.

Will Thatcher loved her.

And she…

She had never felt so lost. She had no idea what to say. Had no idea how to make this go away, or how to fix it.

She opened her mouth to say something. Anything. But her brain couldn’t put the pieces together. Couldn’t reconcile that the Will who’d always hated her had never hated her at all.

And that the Will she hated could be…

No. They’d spent their entire lives making each other miserable, and he wanted to push that all aside for something that could never work?

She was ice and order and calm. He was fire and instinct and chaos.

He would hurt her. And she’d already hurt him.

There was nothing for her to say.

Brynn forced herself to watch his eyes. Forced herself to recognize the exact second that he gave up.

The moment he realized that she wasn’t going to be saying it back.

All the fire and heat dropped from his gaze as he gently let her drop down to her feet. His hands fell away from her, arms falling loosely to his sides.

Brynn felt the loss of contact acutely. She wanted it back.

“Will, can’t we just…I need time.”

He gave a quick shake of his head, before planting a tender kiss on her forehead. “You’ve had plenty of time, Brynn.”

A sob hiccuped in her throat as she felt the meaning behind that kiss. She knew what that kiss meant. Knew Will well enough to understand what he wasn’t telling her.

He wanted all or nothing, and he was done waiting.

That kiss had been a good-bye.

I
look like a freak.”

Brynn sat back in her chair and set her distal end cutters on the tray before peeling back off her latex gloves. She tried for her most reassuring smile, but the truth was, she was bone tired. Tired of painstakingly attaching metal to misshapen teeth only to get petulant complaints in return.

“You don’t look like a freak.”

Abby Cornwell’s fourteen-year-old face scowled up at her, and Brynn felt a pull of sympathy. Between the thick glasses, the frizzy hair, the acne-ridden skin, and now the mouthful of metal, Abby hadn’t exactly hit the adolescent jackpot.

It will get better, sweetie.

Except sometimes it didn’t. Even when you did everything right, there were no guarantees. Because having straight teeth didn’t bring happiness. Apparently, neither did creating them.

“You look great,” Brynn said, leaning forward and giving Abby’s arm a quick squeeze.

Abby gave her an
oh, please
look that was apparently written into the female DNA to develop around the age of eleven.

“Well, yeah, okay, braces suck,” Brynn heard herself say. “But I promise that one day you’ll realize there are a lot more important things in life.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. My mom tells me all the time. Looks are passing, but brains and kindness are forever…all that crap.”

Good mom.

“Your mom’s right,” Brynn said.

“Easy for you to say. You’re perfect.”

Brynn leaned forward and gave her a little wink. “I work hard to make people think so.”

She escorted Abby to the reception desk to wait for her mom, knowing that nothing else she could say would make Abby hate her reflection any less, but silently sending up a prayer that life would be kind to the girl. That she would be
happy
instead of perfect.

Brynn swung by the staff fridge to grab her yogurt before heading to her office for a quick break. She glanced at her watch and winced. She felt like she’d been here for hours, but it wasn’t even half past ten.

“That’s probably the tenth time I’ve seen you check your watch today,”

Brynn gave Susan a wan smile as she peeled off the yogurt top and dropped it in the trash before sitting on the corner of her desk.

But Susan didn’t let up. “Never known you to be a clock-watcher, everything okay?

No. No, everything’s not okay.

Brynn shrugged. “Having a little trouble settling back into the daily grind.”

Susan folded her arms and tapped plain fingernails against her forearm. “Interesting choice of words. Watching the clock, taking long lunches, leaving the office as soon as possible in the afternoon…referring to your job as a grind?”

Brynn raised her eyebrows at Susan’s detailed assessment. “If you’re concerned I’m not pulling my weight, just say so.”

“Oh gosh, it’s not that,” Susan said with an exasperated wave of her hand. “I know you’d never give less than your best to your patients, and to the practice. But ever since you got back from vacation…”

At the concerned look on her partner’s face, Brynn’s yogurt started to taste sour. “I thought the break would help, ya know?”

Susan nodded slowly. “It should have. I know I felt better after getting away for a few days, even though it was for unhappy circumstances.”

Brynn gave a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry about your mom. But she’s doing better?”

Susan shrugged. “As well as can be expected, I guess. But yeah, she’ll make it. We’re grateful.”

Immediately Brynn felt awful that she was moping around for no good reason while Susan actually had a reason to be down, and instead she was going about her business happily and professionally.

“Well, I just wanted to see if everything was okay,” Susan said. “I know you just came through a rough breakup and all, so if you need to talk…”

“It wasn’t really a breakup since we were never together,” Brynn muttered.

Susan tilted her head. “What do you mean? Weren’t you guys together for like two years?”

Ohhhhhh.
She was talking about James.

“I was kind of…seeing someone over the past few weeks. Casually,” she rushed to add.

“A rebound!” Susan said with a grin. “Sexy!”

“It was sexy,” Brynn admitted. “And then it blew up in my face.”

“Aha, I
knew
it was guy issues that were getting you down.”

Yeah, if by “guy issues” you mean your worst enemy telling you he’s been in love with you since forever and then promptly disappearing and not returning any of your phone calls.
Yeah, that had gotten her down all right.

Even worse was that nothing else in her life seemed to get back to normal either. She was barely doing her job, all of her old friends were boring, and worst of all…despite the fact that her life list had returned to its status on her nightstand, she hadn’t once opened it.

Didn’t
want
to open it.

“I’m a mess, Sue.”

“It’ll get better, I promise. Guys have a way of making us…crazy. But it’ll fade and you’ll feel right again.”

She smiled at her friend’s well-meaning advice. Even though she knew she was dead wrong.

Brynn didn’t want to go back. But she didn’t know how to go forward either.

It wasn’t that Brynn had never been on a bad date before. She’d had her fair share. But she’d never been on a bad date that
should
have been great.

Like many little girls with romantic inclinations, Brynn had spent a fair amount of her younger years daydreaming about her future husband. He’d be tall, naturally. Dark, personal preference. Handsome, that was a given.

He’d also be smart, successful, and kind, but never boring.

James had almost made it. Minus the boring part. And considerate and kind weren’t quite the same thing, but he had been a good guy.

But Michael Alden?

Oh baby—he was literally the stuff of fantasies.
Her
fantasies.

She even prided herself a little in branching out from her doctor/lawyer dating pool. Granted, he was CIO of a pharmaceutical company, which meant he mostly worked with doctors. But still.

Take that, Will Thatcher. I’m not such a creature of habit.

She could change it up.

She could be different.

She could be open-minded.

Case in point, Michael had a dog. Brynn was not a dog person. At all. But was she writing Michael off just because of that? No, no, she was not.

And yet she wanted to go home. Badly.

“Is everything okay? You seem a bit quiet,” Michael said as he topped off her wineglass with a delicious Pinot Noir.

“Sorry,” Brynn said sheepishly. “Long day.”

They were all long lately. Ever since that awful showdown with Will, her days had somehow become an endless string of the same old coffee, the same old commute, the same old workday. Same salad for lunch, same problems, same triumphs…

She half listened to Michael as he told a story about how his nephew’s space shuttle drawing looked disturbingly like male genitalia. And even though she laughed in all the right spots…even though the anecdote was genuinely entertaining, it was all…wrong.

He was wrong.

The hair was too dark. The eyes weren’t the right color. His shoulders weren’t quite as broad as she might like.

And he didn’t excite her.

Her heart starting to pound, she quickly put him through her Future Filter. That mental game she played with every potential partner where she fast-forwarded five years to the point where they had wedding bands and family trips to Disneyland and a homemade-ice-cream maker for special treat days. She could see it all.

And she didn’t want any of it. Not with him.

Oh my God, oh my God.

“Are you all right?” he asked, looking alarmed as she put a hand over her suddenly tight chest.

Maybe. Probably not. Could be a heart attack.

Or perhaps, more appropriately…an attack of the heart.

Oh my God, oh my God.

“Would you…excuse me, just for a sec—”

She was moving away from the table before she’d even finished the sentence, weaving around the white tablecloths on her way to the ladies’ room.

She burst into the first empty stall and braced her hands on the wall, not once stopping to consider that her palms were resting on germ central. Her face was hot and it was getting increasingly hard to breathe.

Brynn slowly turned and lowered herself to the toilet seat before pressing her hands to her flushed cheeks.

Very slowly, very carefully, Brynn let herself go into her Future Filter again. Let her picture herself in five years as the new Brynn.

No goals. No bullshit. No rules. Well…
fewer
rules.

There were still wedding bands and children. But the husband wasn’t a brunet, and the kids weren’t the tidy, well-behaved, matchy-matchy-clothes type of children.

They were blond, and wild and mischievous.

Just like their dad.

And they would still do Disneyland, but they would do other crazy stuff too. Unexpected stuff like running through the mud on a random Tuesday morning, and having food fights. With nonstaining ingredients, of course.

But there would be no white couches, and probably too many age-inappropriate horror movies, and the kids would only have to have goal lists if they wanted to. If any of them took after her, they probably would.

And they would be happy.

She
would be happy.

With the wrong man, who was so damn
right
it made her literally ache inside.

The man she’d thrown away because she was still trying so hard not to be Dumpy Dalton that she’d become a complete shell of a person instead.

A rough choking noise escaped her throat, and she heard two friends at the mirror falter in their conversation, but she didn’t care.

She’d pushed him away. Thrown Will aside like he wasn’t fit to take out her trash, when really he’d done nothing but love her the way she needed to be loved.

She gave a watery snuffle as she realized that her little epiphany was starting very much the way this crazy journey had begun—with her crying in a bathroom stall feeling sorry for herself.

Which was pathetic, because the only one who had made a victim out of Brynn was herself.

Starting with that stupid list and a lifetime of pointless, self-inflicted expectations.

Brynn glanced down at her feet. She was wearing the same boring nude pumps as before, and this time she knew they were all wrong.

The black leather clothes had been all wrong too, but that was okay.

It was time to discover the real Brynn Dalton.

The version of herself that Will deserved.