Mad Professor (5 page)

Jory had a sudden sense of how Uncle Gunnar must have felt with the noose around his neck, while standing on an overturned milk bucket.

“I haven't signed them yet,” he said. “I'm thinking it over.”

“I can help you clean out your stuff when you're ready,” said Hilda. “I hear the Santa Cruz Mystery Spot museum is looking for donations. Not to mention the groundskeepers' compost heap.”

Jory turned away, working his little keypad more frenetically than ever. With his other hand he any-keyed his desktop machine out of sleep mode, donning a pair of headphones and calling up one of his favorite tunes—Nikolay Karlovich Medtner's Op. 48, No. 2: “Elf's Fairy Tale.”

After several minutes, joggled by Jory's twitching, one of the paper mounds on his desk subsided to the floor, the laminar flow reaching all the way across the room. Jory braced himself for Hilda Kuhl's reaction. But she was gone. Relieved in some small degree, his left thumb slowing in its compulsive writhing, he doffed his headphones and stood up to stretch.

His feet lost contact with the floor and he slowly drifted upward, until his head bumped the ceiling. Victory at last! And on the very eve of destruction! His fame and fortune were assured, all his many unproductive years in the wilderness redeemed!

Quickly Jory pocketed his talisman lest he disturb the finally perfected quantum circuit.

He'd invented antigravity, slipped the surly bonds of mass. Mankind's dream for all its history—and he, Jory Sorenson, had accomplished it!

Now, the slightest wish, the merest velleity, was sufficient to move Jory from one side of the office to the other. From long use, the talisman was quantum-entangled with Jory's brain; it knew to divert impinging gravitons into the subdimensions so as to vector Jory in whatever direction he chose. Jory could hardly wait to go outside and fly to the tops of the redwood trees.

Hilda was talking to a woman out in the hall. Jory dropped flatfooted to the floor, temporarily allowing Earth's gravitons to latch onto him as usual. With any luck he could walk out of here before having to meet Hilda's mother. As a gesture of civility, he cranked the window open a crack—as far as it would go—shoveled the loose papers back onto his desk, and bent over to unearth the foul fungal salmon sandwich in his bottom desk drawer. It wouldn't do to just drop it into his trash can, he'd have to carry it out and—

“I'll consume that delicious morsel if you have no need for it,” piped a small voice.

A little man was standing atop Jory's file cabinet. He was bearded, nude, wrinkled, and all of two inches high. His silver hair was barbered into a Mohawk, and his skin was richly tattooed in fractal paisleys, symmetric from left to right.

“I hunger for your world-stuff,” said the elf, impatiently holding out his little hand. “Pass it to me quickly, lest some untimely renormalization cause this prize to disappear.”

As if in a dream, Jory handed the plastic-wrapped mass of mold to the wee man, wondering how he'd handle it. Compared to the elf, the sandwich was the size of a mattress. But the elf made short work of the offering—his arm flowed outward into a goblet shape that engulfed the Baggie-wrapped discard and squeezed it into nonexistence, like an anaconda swallowing an elephant.

“I'm Ira,” said the elf, thoughtfully rubbing his arm. “That was less pleasant than I'd been led to believe. Do savor your ability to fly before Queen Una arrives, for then there will be hell to pay Una is intent upon—”

Ira was interrupted by Hilda and her mother appearing in the doorway. “This is my office-mate Jory Sorenson,” said Hilda, her voice a bit louder than usual. “Sorenson, this is my mother Beverly Kuhl.” Not noticing Ira yet, Mrs. Kuhl gave Jory a pleasant smile. She was in the prime of her fifties, fit and comfortable looking, cozily dressed in jeans and a wool sweater, with shiny locks of blond-and-gray hair. Jory recalled hearing Hilda say that her mother's hobby was treading the boards in Gold Country summer melodramas. And indeed this woman looked the part of a star.

“Call me Bev,” she said, warmly taking his hand. “It's an honor to meet you, Jory. When Hilda was in grad school she was always talking about you.”

“She thinks I'm over the hill now,” said Jory. “But I'm still in the game.” He was riding high on his antigravity discovery, albeit uneasy about the elf. There seemed little possibility the two phenomena were unconnected. Would the prize be worth the price? That depended entirely on Ira's subsequent actions and those of the heralded Queen Una.

“Good man,” said Bev, smiling at him, still holding his hand. For the first time in several years Jory felt a connection, a spark. “I used to buy Elf Circle cheese from your Uncle Gunnar,” continued Bev. “What a shame about Gunnar. It's terrible to grow old alone. And that mess about his estate! I work in the court-house, you know, and—”

“What's that on your file cabinet?” interrupted Hilda, as if wanting to break them up. “Don't tell me you've started collecting action figures, Sorenson. You're batty as your uncle.”

The little elf shattered his inanimate façade by waggling his Mohawk and gripping his crotch like the most egregious rapper. “I'm Ira. A hardworking digger with a dream. Prepare for the coming of Elf Queen Una.” He twisted his face into an appalling leer, belched, and lowered his voice to an insinuating whisper. “Nonce Queen, that is. Your powerful provender has primed me for rebellion.”

A swarm of tiny glittering gems appeared beside the mouse-sized, tattooed man, each gem etching a colored trail into the air. The trails wove themselves together like live things, protein skeins knitting the form of an incredibly beautiful blond-haired woman, two inches tall, garbed in a blue leotard, and with a bushy dark tail swishing from the base of her back. Her eyes blazed like the tips of two welding torches.

With a start Jory recognized the diminutive woman as a hulda: a manipulative, seductive elf. Gunnar liked talking about huldas; he'd often shown Jory dense line drawings of them in old books of tales. Huldas were hot. Now Jory confronted the reality not three feet from his face.

“I'm here for the sex,” said Queen Una, eyeing the humans with a disturbing, nearly demented smile. She cocked her head and pointed a graceful, imperious hand at Bev. “I'll wear her.”

The meta-gattaca strands that formed the Elf Queen Una unwound. The glittering polychromatic points flew at Bev like a swarm of hornets—and sank into her skin.

“Dear me,” said Bev, twisting her shoulders and looking down at her backside. Something was bunched beneath her sweater. She pulled her garment up a bit, and a two-foot-long russet horsetail flopped out. “You,” Bev said, pointing at Jory with the same gesture Queen Una had used. She snaked her arm around Jory's waist and smirked at her daughter. “Give us some privacy, Hilda.”

“Hell no!” said Hilda. “He's drugged you, Mom. Sorenson got all his ideas from taking magic mushrooms, you know. I've heard the rumors. The smell in here—it's some kind of aerosol hallucinogen! And what is that ridiculous talking toy supposed to—”

She made as if to snatch little Ira off the file cabinet, but he hopped into the air to evade her, executing a twisting, eye-hurting somersault that did something to the space coordinates of the room.

“Zickerzack!” exclaimed Ira.

Jory experienced the sensation of being turned inside out, and outside in. He and Bev were standing beside the physics building, on the bark-strewn forest floor, with Hilda yelling at them through the narrow, open slit in Jory's office window. Little Ira had flipped along with them.

“Look at that squirrel run!” exclaimed Ira, craning his neck to stare up a redwood tree. “Beautiful. Her tail is so exceedingly sinuous.”

“I have a tail,” said Bev, flicking it. She leaned up against Jory, her breath warm on his cheek. “Let's make love right here.” Was that her talking, or Una? The sun had broken out. Puffy white clouds dotted the gentle blue sky.

“I'll drive you to the Emergency Room, Mom,” called Hilda.

“I'll fly you to the treetops,” said Jory. “Where nobody can bother us.”

Bev giggled as Jory scooped her into the air. They flew a quarter mile into the forest, where Jory found a broad, level tangle of branches at the top of a tip-broken redwood tree. Jory allowed just enough gravity to reach them so that they could lie comfortably on the matted limbs with no danger of dropping through.

“Squirrels,” said Ira, who'd followed along. He was peering down at a hole in the trunk. His gaunt cheeks stretched in a
grin. “A big nest of them. Yum.” He disappeared into the hole, greeted by an explosion of squirrel chatter.

Alone at last, Jory and Bev Kuhl undressed and worshipped each other's bodies. Even the soft, powerful horsetail came into play. It was wonderful to disport themselves, naked to the heavens in a bower high in the air. And Jory remembered to pillow himself upon his pants, lest he lose the quantum device that made their perch secure.

After the first climax, Una seemed to doze off within Bev—leaving Bev and Jory to chat companionably. Bev was a widow, currently unattached, working as the chief clerk of El Dorado County, thinking of retiring to a career of playing the Madam in her summer melodramas. Although she was proud of her prickly daughter, she was wary of moving here to become her grandson's nanny.

“It's so nice to meet a real gentleman,” said Bev, patting Jory's hand. “With a pension. And you can fly!” She kissed him on the cheek. “What a hero!

Rhythmic squawks and throaty chattering burst from the squirrel den below; the noise awakened Queen Una within Bev. In her altered Una-voice, Bev began asking odd questions and suggesting new sex acts. Before long, Jory was worn out and feeling the damp air's chill.

“That completes the mating process?” said Bev in her Queen Una persona. “Hardly so sensational as our legends describe.” But then Bev's voice flipped back to her natural warm drawl. “It was wonderful, Jory,” she said. “Don't listen to that mean queen. How am I going to get rid of her?”

“I have an idea,” said Jory, pulling out his quantum antigravity device. “Hold tight to the tree.” He keyed in the pause sequence, letting Earth's full gravity temporarily return. The
branches beneath him creaked and groaned. He was guessing that his shunting of gravitons into the subdimensions had opened the rift through which Una and Ira had popped. Perhaps pausing his antigravity device might cause the elves to go home.

No such luck.

“I shall remain as long as I please,” said the Queen Una voice from within Bev. And now a branch snapped beneath Jory. “Court not a deathly fall, you dunce. Your paramour and I are safe in any event; the alvar fly by means of a dimensional twisting quite different from your rhizomal ruse.”

A male squirrel scampered through the matted branches and hiccupped a puff of bright dots—which materialized into Ira, his Mohawk crushed over to one side. As the squirrel watched, the elf twinkled through the air to alight upon Jory's shoulder, his bony bare buttocks pressing the professor's bare skin like a pair of knuckles. The odd sensation very nearly sent Jory tumbling from the tree. Quickly he un-paused his antigravity device.

“Chicker-chickory-chick-a-chee,” squawked Ira. The bright-eyed squirrel echoed the sound, then scuttered back to his den. “He is potent and esteemed by the females,” said Ira proudly. “Thanks to my good auspices.”

“You fucked the squirrels?” exclaimed Jory. “You elves are something else. Look, Ira, I've been good to you, and now you have to help me get Queen Una out of Bev.”

“This is difficult,” said Ira. “It would take a host of alvar to force Una back into the subdimensions. But, yes, I stand ready to your aid. To start with, I can show you where to find the alvar we need.”

“Silence, vassal!” said Una, causing Bev to sit up so abruptly that the branches creaked beneath her pleasant form.

Ira struck a defiant pose. “The alvar have wearied of your tyranny and ill temper, O Queen,” he intoned. “Here in this legendary realm, empowered by high-plane foods, vivified by the supradimensional energies of the furry denizens, I dare to usurp your throne. The wee men shall obey you no longer. They wish for me to be their new king. Your reign now ends, my Queen.” He held up a cautioning hand. “Contain your pique, or at our next renormalization, the clan will disappear you. I warn but once.” The little elf drew himself upright, and with a gesture he clothed himself in a tiny ermine robe and a gold crown, cunningly crafted to show off his silver Mohawk.

“Your victory remains in the future, if it comes at all,” said Una after a long, thoughtful pause. “I'll drink the lees of the day.” Reaching around their piney bower, Bev stuffed her scattered garments into her large purse, which was the twin of daughter Hilda's burglar-bag. She rose to her pale feet, balanced unsteadily-and leapt out from the tree, taking Jory's heart with her.

But she didn't plummet to the ground. Using the Queen's own dimension-twisting method of flight, Bev/Una hovered, nude and regal, her flowing horsetail gracefully beating. “I'll bed another man by nightfall,” said Una's voice. And then Bev's voice chimed in, “How about finding a surfer?”