Mad About the Hatter (8 page)

Hatter struggled to free himself, but Henry kept him firmly pinned to the ground. Fear made his blood pound in his ears as he watched Henry raise a fist he knew from experience was rock hard. “Um, would you kindly consider not hitting me again? Teeth, sad to say, do not grow on trees. At least, not anymore they don’t, not since the Molar Wars, and I would have a dickens of a time trying to replace these.” He beamed a high-wattage smile at Henry.

“You made me go into the bottle. You made me drink that purple goop, when all the time you had the power to get big! Why? Why would you do that? What did I ever do to you?”

Hatter shook his head. “You misunderstand. Yes, I can work a little magic, but only on myself. Even I had to eat Caterpillar’s mushroom to get small. I don’t have the power to make you big. If I did, I would’ve done so back in the Red Anthill instead of risking your neck—and my own, might I add—escaping the way we did.”

“Well, then, why didn’t you get big and carry me out?”

Hatter blinked. “Because… because….” The question took him aback, mostly because he didn’t have an answer. He honestly just hadn’t thought of it, not that he would admit to it. It took him all of a half minute to regain his poise. “Because then you would’ve missed out on a Grand Adventure and an Important Lesson! Yes, that’s why! Of course, that’s why!” He finally succeeded in pushing Henry off and regaining his feet. He watched Henry out of the corner of his eyes while he brushed the dirt from his pants and coat, straightened his lapel, and tugged on his cuffs. “What sort of person would I be if I denied you such an experience?”

Henry snorted. “The kind that wouldn’t get slugged for making me drink that purple crap. Grand Adventure and Important Lesson? I can practically hear the capitalization. What a load of horse crap.” He looked away for a few moments, then turned back to Hatter. “I guess I owe you an apology. It’s just this place. It’s getting to me! First the caterpillar, then shrinking and falling, then the ants, then having to drink the purple slop….” He thrust his fingers into his hair, twisting the blond strands. “I’m still not even sure where I am or how I got here, never mind how to get back home!”

“Speaking of which, Caterpillar said you were asking for me.”

That made Henry blink again. “Um, yeah. Yes. The last thing I remember before blacking out was my sister telling me to look for the Mad Hatter. That’s you, right?”

“So it seems. Though there are many other creatures here that either claim to be mad or were proven so, I’m the only Hatter in Wonderland.”

All the air seemed to escape from Henry, leaving him looking as deflated as an old balloon. “So it’s true, then? This is Wonderland? Alice hasn’t been lying all these years?”

Hatter gave Henry’s shoulder a reassuring pat. “Lying? Why would you think that of your sister? For all that I disliked her and thought her dull, she was not one for spinning untruths. This is Wonderland, in all its topsy-turvy, insie-outsie, backward-frontsie glory.”

The expression on Henry’s face was blatantly defeated. “Great. So… what do I do now? How do I get home?”

Hatter smiled again and then winced at the pain in his jaw. “I’m so glad you asked. It just so happens that I was sent to fetch you back to the Red Queen for the express purpose of getting rid of you.”

It wasn’t a lie, after all. Not exactly. He just left out the fact that when she did rid Wonderland of Henry, he would be in two distinct pieces.

Henry frowned. “Alice used to talk about the Red Queen. She didn’t seem to care much for her.”

“No one did. I’m afraid your sister was a bit of a nuisance.”

“I meant my sister didn’t care for the Red Queen. Alice said she was crazy.”

Hatter gasped, and his eyes grew wide. He slapped his hand over Henry’s mouth. He lowered his voice into a hoarse hiss. “Shh! Her spies are everywhere. Never speak ill of the Queen aloud while out in the open where you can be easily overheard!”

Henry peeled Hatter’s hand off. “She’s not my Queen.”

“While you’re in Wonderland, she is. She’s the ultimate authority here, her only rival being her sister, the White Queen. She can lock you away until you’re so old you trip over your own beard, or starve you until you’re nothing but bone and sinew, or cover you in honey and feed you to a Bandersnatch.” Not to mention lop off his head, but since that’s what actually lay in store for Henry, Hatter thought it would be gauche to mention it. Why ruin the surprise?

“The White Queen? What about her, then? Would she send me home? Perhaps we can go to her instead.”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“The Red Queen had her head chopped off soon after Alice left the last time. The White King’s head rolled as well.”

Henry gulped and grabbed his neck as if to keep his own head from rolling. “Her own sister and brother-in-law? As much as I detest mine sometimes, I’d never try to decapitate Alice. That’s awful!”

Hatter shrugged a shoulder. “No, that’s politics. It caused quite the scandal, as I recall. The two queens met on the same chessboard your sister won her crown on, both accusing the other of aiding and abetting Alice on her quest to become a Queen of Wonderland. The gauntlet was thrown down.” Hatter sighed. “One would think after spending a lifetime as a blood relation of the Red Queen, the White Queen would’ve known how badly she cheats and been prepared for it. But no, the White Queen rather stupidly tried to play according to the rules.” Hatter made a slicing motion with one finger across his throat. “And well, in the end, off came her and her husband’s heads.”

“You make it sound like she was wrong to want to play by the rules. Rules bring order. You said so yourself.”

Hatter raised the volume of his voice, as if wanting anyone eavesdropping on their conversation to better hear him. “Yes, I did, of course. The Red Queen has ordered everyone to obey the rules. Very wise of her.” Hatter looked about, and lowered his voice to a whisper again. “But what fun is there in being orderly? None. Rules are merely a fistful of conundrums, obstacles, and barriers knotted and twisted together for the sole purpose of sucking the last bit of fun out of every experience. I should think they’d be riddled with cracks given how many times they’re broken, and if I ever found out which fool keeps pasting them back together, I’d give him a good clobber with my walking stick.”

Henry gave his head a shake. “Without rules, there’d be chaos!”

“No, no. Without rules, there’d be freedom.”

“Not a half hour ago, when I was small, you stood there and told me rules were meant to be followed at all costs!”

“I believe my exact words were, ‘so sayeth the Queen.’ That doesn’t mean I believe it.”

“You know what? You’re nuts, and I think I’ll be better off on my own.” Henry lifted his chin and began walking off in a different direction, as if he knew where he was going. “I’ll find my own way home, no thanks to you.”

Hatter knew very well Henry wouldn’t last half a day in Wonderland without him. Nor would he last half a day if he returned to the Red Castle without Henry in tow. “I wouldn’t go that way if I were you.”

Henry glanced back over his shoulder and made a rude noise, but continued walking.

Stubborn man. No, modify that. Thickheaded lout is a more apt description
, Hatter thought. He ignored the tiny voice in his head that wondered if Hatter might just not find that quality a bit attractive. Aloud he reiterated, “I really wouldn’t go that way.”

“Stop talking to me.” Henry continued walking, and did not turn around again.

“Fine. But when you find yourself sunk up to your chin in the Great Sinking Sands of Wonderland, don’t cry to me for help.”

Henry’s step faltered, slowed, then stopped. Still, he didn’t turn around. “Sinking Sands? You mean quicksand?”

“Ha! There’s nothing quick about it. It sucks you under slowly, inch by terrifying inch, until it eventually pulls you under the surface and fills your lungs with thick, wet sand. It’s a horrible, painfully slow way to die, and quite frankly, not one I’d choose were the choice mine to make.”

Henry took a small backward step toward Hatter. “Perhaps I was a bit hasty.”

Hatter’s lips lifted in a bemused half smile. “So he can be taught! Perhaps your stupidity is not a permanent condition. Excellent.”

Finally, Henry’s head swiveled in Hatter’s direction. “But you want to take me to the Red Queen. She’s a villain, according to Alice. Hell, according to you, she’s practically evil incarnate! She killed her own sister.”

“She also has the power to send you home. Alice didn’t magically find her way home not once but twice, you know. That was the Queen’s magic.” Hatter had no idea if it was within the Red Queen’s power or not. For all he knew, Alice’s return home was nothing more than a pair of happy accidents.

Even if the Queen had possessed such magic, he rather doubted she would’ve lifted her pinkie finger to help Alice. Indeed, now that Hatter thought about it, if the Red Queen could send Alice home, she would have straightaway at the beginning, but he also knew admitting so would only serve to push Henry to take his chances alone in the Great Sinking Sands or with another of Wonderland’s equally deadly environs. Going to see the Red Queen really was the safest choice for the unarmed, uninitiated foreigner. In addition, there was still Hatter’s own head and its tenuous attachment to the rest of him to consider. She had, after all, promised him immunity should he deliver Henry to her.

Henry seemed to be mulling it over as well. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, chewed on his lower lip, and cast long glances in the direction of the Sinking Sands. Finally, he turned back to Hatter. “Okay. I guess I don’t have a choice. I’ll go with you… for now.”

Hatter grinned, whipped his hat off, gave Henry a rather sardonic half bow, and gestured toward the west with his free hand. “Your guide—for now—at your service. This way, please.”

He straightened when Henry took a few tentative steps in that direction, then replaced his hat and gave it a thump to settle it on his crown. “All right, then. On we go.”

Hatter led Henry around the west side of Caterpillar’s Lair. He scanned the area, but there was no trace of the Queen’s coach. He swore an oath so foul it startled a nearby dragonfly into spewing a tiny stream of flame.
Stupid driver. I suppose it never occurred to him that I might need a ride back to the Castle!
He turned to Henry. “While I’d hoped we would have a conveyance to speed our journey, it looks as though we’re out of luck. We’ll have to walk.”

Henry looked both surprised and irritated, as if distance hadn’t occurred to him before, and he was annoyed now that it had. “How far is it to the Red Queen’s castle?”

Hatter considered his answer. “I’m not sure. Longer than a knickknack, but certainly shorter than a paddywhack.”

“Why is it that everything you say either makes no sense, or is jumbled into a giant, convoluted knot?”

Hatter shrugged. “Gifted, I suppose. Well, on we go.” He stepped forward and began to lead the way toward the west, across a wildflower-strewn meadow reaching toward the horizon, beyond which the Red Queen’s castle lay.

He hoped.

Direction was never really his strong suit. Hatter once got lost in his own closet, and might’ve starved if it hadn’t been for the biscuits he kept in his coat pockets.

Wisely, he refrained from sharing that tidbit of information with Henry.

Speaking of biscuits, he remembered it’d been a long while since last he ate. He reached into his pocket and fished around for a bit before pulling out a couple of lovely scones. He graciously offered one to Henry, who, after a few moments of hesitation, took it. Munching, they walked on.

Darkness was falling when they arrived at a low, split-rail fence running in both directions as far as they could see. Hatter called a halt and peered over the fence. Those trees, those flowers…. He felt the wind blowing against his face when only a moment ago it had been at his back, and knew where they were, though he hadn’t realized they’d need to pass through the area to get to the Queen’s castle. He certainly didn’t remember passing it on the way to the Lair.

Still, there it was. Better to deal with it in the morning.

“We’ll camp here for the night. Get a fresh start in the morning.”

“Why? It’s not dark yet.”

Hatter resisted pulling something with heft out of his pocket—he had a hardcover edition of
Tea Time Etiquette
in there somewhere—and smacking Henry with it. How could someone so handsome be so very stupid? “Darkness comes swiftly in Wonderland, and all manner of uglies ride its coattails. Goblins. Trolls. Fidgits. You don’t want to run into a Fidgit in the dark of night, believe you me! Now, let’s settle down as best we can, and get a few winks, eh? Besides, this fence marks the beginning of the Drawrof. It isn’t an easy land to cross, and only a fool would attempt it without a good night’s sleep.”

He knelt on the ground, and began digging in his pocket again. Before long, he’d brought out dinnerware for two, a pot filled with a hearty stew, a stone jug of iced tea, and a small, crackling campfire that spat green and purple sparks. He set the pot to warm on the fire, and poured tea for them both.

“How did you do that?” Henry gaped at the collection Hatter pulled out of his pocket.

“Do what?”

“Carry all that stuff in your pocket? Are you a magician? That’s it, isn’t it? You’re like Copperfield, or Criss Angel.”

“Never heard of them. Do they live in Wonderland?”

“No. They’re magicians. They do tricks… sleight of hand.”

“I can’t imagine what the size of one’s hands has to do with anything.”

“No, not slight… sleight.” Henry huffed a stand of hair out of his eyes and looked frustrated. “They do magic.”

“How does one do magic? Magic just is.”

“Not where I come from it’s not. Back home, magic is just misdirection and sleight of hand. Tricks.”

Hatter cocked his head. “Hmm. How very dull. It does explain much about you and your sister, though. In Wonderland, magic is as much a part of us as our skin. It’s possible to live without it, but it would be oh, so very uncomfortable. Oh, look. The stew’s ready.”