MacKenzie's Lady (9 page)

❧

"Is it safe? Are you protected?" The words mumbled their way into her dream and Holly stirred restlessly, her forehead wrinkled. "Is it safe? Are you protected?" Safe? Safe! Her eyes snapped open and she sat up in bed, her breathing harsh as if she'd been running.

"Oh, good Lord." She muttered the words out loud and then turned to look at the bed next to her, her shoulders sagging when she saw that she was alone. "Safe. Protected. My Lord, what did I do?"

Mac hadn't been afraid of hurting her! He had been asking about birth control! And she had said yes. Her fingers knotted in the sheet. What was she supposed to tell him now? "Gee, Mac, I'm sure sorry that we had this little misunderstanding. I'll let you know if you're going to be a father."

"Idiot!" But castigating herself wasn't going to do any good now. It was over and done with. The chance had been taken. Now she had to decide what to do about it. Was she going to tell Mac? Of course she was. He had a right to know. But why worry him unnecessarily? a little voice whispered. You won't know for weeks. What if you aren't pregnant? What's it going to do to the relationship if he spends the next few weeks worrying for nothing?

But it wouldn't be fair, she argued with herself. Is it fair that he should have to worry (perhaps without need) because she took a stupid chance? This way she'd be saving him a lot of suffering. Her fingers tightened on the sheet until her knuckles whitened. She couldn't tell him. She just couldn't.

She heard the front door slam and the sound put an end to her self-questioning. Whether she told him or not, she definitely did not plan to be waiting in his bed, looking eager for him to join her. Last night might be forgiven as a stupid mistake, but she didn't have that excuse this morning.

❧

Mac frowned at the empty bed. When he left, Holly had looked as if she might sleep until noon. He had been looking forward to finding her curled up against the pillows, waiting to be awakened by a kiss. His mustache quirked upward. Maybe Ken was right. He was a romantic at heart. His head tilted as he heard the shower come on in the bathroom that adjoined his room. He crossed the floor and put his hand on the knob, then hesitated. The mental image of Holly in the shower, her body all sleek and wet, tempted him. He could almost feel the dampness of her skin beneath his hands.

He dropped his hand and turned away, going to the closet to get a change of clothes. He had to keep in mind that their relationship was still very new. He didn't want to push for too much intimacy too fast. She had taken a big step by sleeping with him last night; he'd let her have her privacy now. There'd be other mornings, other showers.

When he entered the bedroom again, he was freshly showered and dressed in worn jeans and a dark T-shirt. Holly was just stepping out of the master bathroom, her movements almost furtive as she glanced around the door. She jumped when she saw him, and her fingers tightened their death grip on the big towel that was wrapped around her body.

"Hi." His voice was soft, his smile an intimate reminder of the night before.

"Hi." Her eyes skipped restlessly around the room, oblivious to the warm gray-and-burgundy tones. Mac came forward and she had to forcibly control the urge to back away. He set his hands on her shoulders, frowning inwardly at the tension in her muscles. What on earth was wrong with her?

She stepped away the moment the kiss ended and Mac felt a cold chill run up his spine. Something was definitely wrong. She looked like a prisoner about to take the last walk. Her skin was pale ivory, without a trace of color, and her lips showed a tendency to quiver. Her eyes avoided his as if she was afraid of what they might reveal.

"Holly?" Her gaze met his with visible reluctance. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile, trying to still the panic in his chest. "Is something wrong?"

The uncertainty in his eyes reached her as nothing else could have. She strove to swallow the hysteria that threatened to overwhelm her. She was acting like a fool. No wonder Mac was looking at her as if he was considering calling for the men in white coats.

She forced herself to give him a natural smile. "I'm always a little dazed before breakfast. Don't pay any attention to me."

His smile relaxed, though his eyes retained a hint of wary appraisal. "In that case, maybe I'd better see that you get fed."

It seemed as if years went by before he dropped her off at her apartment and Holly was free to fall to pieces. She had done her best to act naturally but she knew she hadn't really succeeded. She managed to mumble some excuse when he suggested getting together later in the day.

She knew he was concerned by her behavior but she couldn't find words to reassure him. She settled for giving him a fervent kiss and a promise to have dinner with him on Tuesday night. By Tuesday she hoped she'd be able to look him in the eye without feeling like a criminal.

When Maryann came home from the gym two hours later, Holly was curled up on the floor next to the coffee table, listlessly dealing out a hand of solitaire. Maryann dropped her gym bag on the sofa and sat down next to it.

"You missed the black four on the red five."

"Thanks. How was your workout?"

"Just fine. How was your date?"

Holly's head bent over the cards. "Just fine. We had pizza."

"You didn't come home last night." It wasn't a question. It was a statement that held out an invitation to talk if that was what Holly needed. It was an offer of a shoulder to cry on and right now that was what she needed more than anything else.

Tears welled up in her eyes, spilling over her lashes and trickling slowly down her cheeks. "I've done something awful." She dropped the cards on the table and buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs.

Maryann came around the table and knelt beside her, hesitating for a moment before she reached out to put her hand on the other woman's arm. In all the years she had known Holly, she had never seen her so distraught. For ail her apparent volatility and scatterbrained behavior, Holly was one of the most emotionally balanced people Maryann had ever known.

"What happened?" Her voice was hushed. Visions of Holly having murdered Mac flitted through her mind.

"I went to bed with him." The words were muffled but understandable, and Maryann's frown deepened.

"What's wrong with that? I could see weeks ago that was where the relationship was headed. You must have—" She broke off, her fair skin paling until the dusting of freckles stood out starkly. "Did he... Holly, did he... hurt you?"

"No. He was wonderful. He was tender and gentle and he even... he even... asked me if I was protected." She finished on a wail of anguish.

Exasperated, Maryann took hold of Holly's arms and gave her a gentle shake, forcing her roommate to look at her. "Then why are you so devastated? You wanted him, didn't you? He wanted you, didn't he? You made love and it was a terrific experience. Why are you crying as if your dog had just died?"

"He asked me if I was protected and I said yes."

Maryann frowned. "I don't think I get the point. He was responsible enough to be concerned and you..." Her words trailed off. Her eyes widened and Holly nodded slowly. "You lied?"

"I didn't lie exactly. I didn't realize what he was talking about until this morning."

Maryann tugged absently on a loose strand of her hair. "But you knew this was coming. Why weren't you prepared?" She waved away the answer. "Never mind. It's none of my business. Oh, Holly, what did Mac say when you told him? Was he angry?"

Holly got to her feet, crossed to the window and tugged on the curtain. Behind her Maryann stood up.

"I didn't tell him." The words came out more emphatically than she felt. There was a firm sound to them that surprised her.

"But you've got to tell him. It's not fair to keep this from him."

"I don't see any reason to worry him when there might not be anything to worry about." Funny, how weak that argument sounded when she voiced it out loud.

"That's a cop-out."

Holly turned to look at her, her small chin set at a defiant angle. "Well, I'm not going to tell him."

"You're not being fair and you know it. You're the one who's been telling me what a wonderful, understanding guy he is. You made a mistake; you didn't commit a crime. Tell him."

"I don't know that I did make a mistake." The words were hardly above a whisper and the defiance fell away to show the agony she was feeling. "What if I did this deliberately? What if I planned it?"

"You're getting hysterical." Maryann's calm tones cut through the rising pitch of her voice and Holly drew a deep, calming breath before trying to explain herself. Her fingers twisted together.

"I can't tell Mac because I don't think I could look him in the eye and tell him this was an accident. You know how much I've always wanted a child. What if I did this deliberately because I wanted to get pregnant? I checked my calendar and I couldn't have chosen a worse time to do something like this. What if I planned it? What am I supposed to say to him, Maryann?"

"Stop it! Come over here and sit down. I'm going to make some tea and we're going to have a nice, rational discussion about this, and if you try to get hysterical, I'm going to throw a glass of water on you."

The stern words had the desired effect. Holly sat at the kitchen table and let the soothing familiarity of Maryann making tea wash over her. The other woman had spent three years in England with her parents when she was young and she had picked up the British attitude that a cup of tea could help any situation.

When Maryann set the cup in front of her, Holly reached for the sugar bowl. This was no time to be thinking of calories. Right now she needed all the help she could get.

Maryann fixed her with a serious look and Holly managed a strained smile. "You remind me of my aunt Margaret. She used to look at me like that when she found out I'd been snitching cookies. Of course, Aunt Margaret wouldn't have been caught dead in a bright blue leotard with black stripes."

"And I bet your aunt wouldn't have been distracted any easier than I'm going to be. Holly, if you don't tell Mac and you are pregnant, how is he going to feel when he finds out? You said yourself that the timing made it likely."

"I didn't say it made it likely," Holly protested weakly. "I just said it was a likely time. Look at all the women who spend years trying to get pregnant. Just because you make love at the right time of the month, that doesn't mean it's going to happen."

"I'm a nurse, remember? I know all about the problems people can have getting pregnant. There's no reason to think that you're one of them. You've spent so many years dreaming of having one of the little animals, you've probably psyched your body into getting pregnant at the drop of a hat," she finished glumly.

They were silent for a few moments. Holly wrestled with her conscience and came up with the same answer. She should tell Mac but she couldn't. She just couldn't do it. She absently spooned another teaspoon of sugar into her tea.

"I know you're right. I should tell him but I just can't do it. I'm so afraid that I did this deliberately, Maryann. Looking at it from a purely practical point of view, I couldn't have chosen anyone better to father a child. He's intelligent, healthy, he's even a nice guy. What if that was in the back of my mind last night?"

"He's not going to hold you responsible for what your subconscious might have been thinking."

"But /hold me responsible, /took the chance. I should be the one to do the worrying and I'll be the one to take the responsibility if I am pregnant."

Her friend sighed and finished the last of her tea. "All right. It's your decision. I think you're making a mistake but I'll support you in your stupidity. That's what friends are for, I guess."

Holly reached across the table to clasp her hand, her eyes sparkling with moisture. "Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Probably a lot worse," Maryann told her gruffly, her own eyes suspiciously bright. She pulled her hand away and lifted the teapot to refill their cups. "Okay. What's the next step?"

"I need you to find me a doctor who'll work fast. I took a chance last night that might be forgivable, but I don't want to take any more chances."

Maryann nodded. "That seems reasonable. You're going to have to be careful. If you are pregnant, you don't want to use anything that might endanger the baby."

"And it's got to be something that I don't have to tell Mac about. And I've got to have it by Tuesday night because Mac is taking me out to dinner and I want to be able to go home with him if he asks me."

"You don't want much, do you?" her friend asked dryly. "Well, no problem. Supernurse is here and I just happen to know a very nice doctor who's at the hospital right now and he owes me a favor. Brush your hair and wash your face and we'll go talk to him."

"Thanks, Maryann. I really appreciate this."

"Sure. Just don't tell Mac I was party to this deception. I don't think my insurance covers dismemberment."

"Maybe I'll be lucky. Maybe I'm not pregnant." Holly left the room, ignoring her friend's cynical muttering.

"I have a nasty feeling that's too much to ask for."