Lyonesse II - The Green Pear and Madouc (105 page)

"In short, you may use these goblets without charge," stated Pism.

"Naupt, bring the elderberry wine!" called Posm. "We wish to slake our thirsts!"

Madouc said: "As we drink, you may also consider the guest-gifts which it is incumbent upon you to offer in return. By the rules of gentility, such guest-gifts should be of value equal to that of the host-gift."

Pasm roared: "What foolish talk is this?"

Pism spoke with more restraint, and went so far as to wink at his brothers. "There is no harm in such a discussion. Never forget our usual habit!"

"True!" said Posm with a chuckle. "Naupt, have you prepared sufficient onions for the soup?"

"Yes, Your Honour."

"Put them aside for the moment; there will be a short delay and the onions should not overcook."

"Just so, Your Honour."

"You may pour the elderberry wine which our guests have demanded for the slaking of their thirsts."

"By no means!" said Madouc. "We would never think to impose upon your generosity! Sir Pom-Pom, set out your golden vessel. I will drink mead."

Sir Pom-Pom arranged the vessel and from the first spout poured mead for Madouc.

Travante said: "I believe that I will drink good red wine to day."

Sir Pom-Pom poured full Travante's goblet from the appropriate spout. "As for myself, I will drink some fine cracking ale!"

From the last spout Sir Pom-Pom poured foaming ale into his own goblet. Throop's three heads watched the operation in wonder, then all muttered into each other's ears. Pasm said aloud: "That is an excellent vessel!"

"So it is!" said Sir Pom-Pom. "And while we are on the subject, what do you know of the Holy Grail?"

All three heads instantly bent forward to stare at Sir Pom-Pom. "What is this?" demanded Pism. "Did you put a question?"

"No!" cried Madouc. "Of course not! Never! Not by so much as a breath! Nor an iota! You mis-heard Sir Pom-Pom! He said that better than all else he enjoyed his ale!"

"Hmf. Too bad!" said Pasm.

"Information is valuable," said Posm. "We hold it dear!"

Pism said: "Since you have been allowed free and liberal use of the goblets, perhaps you would allow us to taste the product of that remarkable vessel!"

"Certainly!" said Madouc. "It is only good manners! How do your tastes incline?"

"I will drink mead," said Pism.

"I will drink wine," said Pasm.

"I will taste that smashing ale," said Posm.

Naupt brought goblets which Sir Pom-Pom filled from the vessel. Naupt then served to each of the heads its specified tipple.

"Excellent!" declared Pism.

"Tasty and of high quality!" said Pasm.

"Batasta!" cried Posm. "I have not tasted such ale for many a year!"

Madouc said: "Perhaps we should now offer our host-gifts. Then you may offer your guest-gifts in return and we will resume our journey."

"Bah batasta!" growled Pasm. "This talk of guest-gifts scratches harshly on my ear."

Pism once again winked a great white eye. "Have you forgotten our little joke?"

Posm said: "No matter! We must not cause our guests to wonder. Princess Madouc, so tender and sweet! What of your host-gift?"

"My offering is valuable; it is recent news of your beloved brother, the ogre Higlauf! Last month he defeated a troop of sixteen strong knights under the Cliffs of Kholensk. The king of Muscovy intends to reward him with a carriage drawn by six white bears, with a flanking escort of twelve Persian peacocks. Higlauf wears a new cloak of red-fox fur and tall fur hats on all his heads. He is well, save for a fistula on his middle neck; his leg is also a trifle sore from the bite of a mad dog. He sends his fraternal regards and invites your visit to his castle at High Tromsk on the Udovna River. And this news, which I hope will bring you joy, is my host-gift."

All three heads blinked and sniffed in disparagement. "Ah, bah," said Posm. "The gift is of little value; I do not care a fig whether Higlauf's leg hurts or not, nor do I envy him his bears."

"I have done my best," said Madouc. "What of my guest-gift?"

"It shall be an item of equal worth, and not an owl's whisker more."

"As you like. You might give me news of my friend Sir Pelinore of Aquitaine, who passed this way some years ago."

"Sir Pellinore of Aquitaine?" The three heads ruminated, and consulted among themselves. "Pism, do you recall Sir Pellinore?"

"I am confusing him with Sir Priddelot, from Lombardy, who was so very tough. Posm, what of you?"

"I do not place the name. What were his arms?"

"Three red roses on a blue field."

"I recall neither the name nor the arms. Many if not most, or even all, of the visitors to Castle Doldil lack all morality, and think either to steal or commit acts of treachery. These criminals are one and all punished and boiled into a nourishing soup, which is, in most cases, the most notable achievement of their otherwise futile lives. Their arms hang along the walls. Look, freely and without obligation: do you see the three red roses of your friend Sir Pellinore?"

"No," said Madouc. "Nothing of the sort is evident."

Posm called: "Naupt, where are you?"

"Here, Your Honour!"

"Look into the great register! Discover if we have entertained a certain 'Sir Pellinore of Aquitaine.'

Naupt hopped from the hall, returning a few moments later. "No such name is listed, either in the index, or in the memoranda of recipes. Sir Pellinore is not known to us."

"Then that is the answer I must give, and it fully discharges the requirement. Now then, Travante the Sage: what have you brought as host-gift?"

"It is an article of enormous value if used correctly; indeed, I have given my whole life to its acquisition! Sir Throop, for my host-gift, I present you with my hard-won senility, my old age and the veneration which is its due. It is truly a valuable gift."

Throop's three heads grimaced, and the great arms pulled at the three beards, one after the other. Posm said: "How can you freely bestow a gift so valuable?"

"I do so out of regard for you, my host, in the hope that it brings you the same profit it has brought me. As for my guest-gift, you can restore to me the callow and insipid condition of youth, since I lost my own somewhere along the way. If by chance my lost youth is stored in one of your attics, I will once again take it in charge, and it will serve well enough."

Pism called out: "Naupt, hither!"

"Yes, Your Honour?"

"You heard Travante's requirements; do we keep anything of that description stored among the castle lumber?"

"I am certain not, sir."

Throop turned his three heads back upon Travante. "In that case, you must keep your gift of senility, since I can make no responsive guest-gift, and that shall be an end to the transaction. Now then, Sir Pom-Pom: what have you to offer?"

"In truth, I have nothing whatever, save only my golden vessel."

Posm said quickly: "You need not apologize; that should be adequate."

"I agree," said Pasm. "It is a gift of great utility, unlike the more abstract gifts of the Princess Madouc and Travante the Sage."

"There is a single difficulty," said Sir Pom-Pom. "I would no longer have a utensil from which to drink. If you were able to provide me a suitable replacement-just some ordinary or even antique chalice, of two handles, and I would prefer a blue color-then I might well use my own vessel as a host-gift."

Pism called: "Naupt? Where do you keep yourself? Are you asleep by the stove? You must do better in the future or it shall be the worse for you!"

"As always, I do my best, Your Honour!"

"Attend me! Sir Pom-Pom needs a utensil from which to drink. Provide him with an article to his taste."

"Very good, Your Honour! Sir Pom-Pom, what are your needs?"

"Oh, just some rough old chalice, of two handles, pale blue in color."

"I will inspect the closet, and perhaps I can discover a vessel to your taste."

Naupt ran off and presently returned with a number of cups, mugs and a chalice or two. None suited Sir Pom-Pom. Some were too wide, others too narrow; some too heavy, others an unsuitable color. Naupt ran back and forth until the table was covered with drinking utensils.

Throop became testy. Posm acted as spokesman. "Surely, Sir Pom-Pom, among this assortment is a vessel to meet your needs."

"Not really. This one is too big. This one is too squat. This one is bedizened with unsuitable decorations."

"Batasta, but you are fastidious in your drinking! We have no others to show you."

"I might even accept something in the Irish style," suggested Sir Pom-Pom.

"Ah," cried Naupt. "Remember that strange old chalice we took long ago from the Irish monk? Perhaps that might be in Sir Pom-Pom's style!"

"Just conceivably," said Sir Pom-Pom. "Fetch it here and let me see it."

"I wonder where I stored the old piece," mused Naupt. "I believe it is in the cupboard beside the entrance to the dungeons."

Naupt ran off, to return with a dusty old double-handled cup, of fair size, pale blue in color.

Madouc noticed that the rim was marred by a small chipped place, and that it otherwise resembled the drawing she had seen in the library at Haidion. She said: "If I were you, Sir Pom-Pom, I would accept this old cup and not dither any longer, even though it is old and chipped, and of no value whatever."

Sir Pom-Pom took the chalice in trembling hands. "I suppose it will serve me well enough."

"Good," said Pasm. "This affair of gifts and giving is now at an end, and we must take up other matters."

Posm called to Naupt: "Have you prepared a bill of damages?"

"Not yet, Your Honour!"

"You must include charges for the time we have wasted with the Princess Madouc and Travante the Sage. Sir Pom-Pom brought an article of value; both Madouc and Travante tried to befuddle us with talk and nonsense! They must pay the penalty for their deceit!"

Posm said: "Put the onions into the pot and prepare the kitchen for our work."

Madouc licked her lips nervously, and spoke in a faltering voice: "You cannot be planning what I suspect you are planning!"

"Hah batasta!" declared Pism. "Your suspicions may not fall short of the truth!"

"But we are your guests!"

"And no less savory for all of that, especially with our special seasoning, of ramp and horseradish."

Pasm said: "Before we proceed with our work, perhaps we should enjoy a draught or two from our golden vessel of plenty."

"A good idea," said Posm.

Sir Pom-Pom rose to his feet. "I will demonstrate the best method of pouring. Naupt, bring tankards of large size! Pism, Pasm and Posm wish to drink deep of the stuff they love the best!"

"Just so," said Pasm. "Naupt, bring out the great pewter tankards, that we may enjoy our draughts!"

"Yes, Your Honour."

Sir Pom-Pom busied himself at the golden vessel. "What then will each drink?"

Pism said: "I will take mead, in plenitude!"

Pasm said: "As before, I will drink red wine, in copious flow!"

Posm said: "I crave more of that walloping ale, and let it not all be foam in the tankard!"

Sir Pom-Pom poured from the three spouts, and Naupt carried the tankards to Throop of the Three Heads. "I bid you, raise your tankards high and drink deep! An amplitude remains in the vessel."

"Ha hah batasta!" cried Pasm. "One and all: drink deep!" Throop's two hands raised the three tankards, and poured the contents down the throats of Pism, Pasm and Posm all together.

Three seconds passed. Pism's great round face turned bright red and his eyes bulged three inches from his head, while his teeth clattered to the floor. Pasm's countenance seemed to vibrate and turn upside-down. Posm's face became as black as coal and red flames darted from his eyes. Throop rose to his feet, to stand swaying. Within his great belly sounded first a rumble, then a muffled explosion and Throop fell over backward, in a tumble of unrelated parts. Travante stepped forward and taking up Throop's massive sword, hacked the three heads free of the body. "Naupt, where are you?"

"Here, sir!"

"Take up these three heads and throw them into the fire, at this instant, that they may be destroyed."

"As you say, sir!" Naupt carried the heads to the fireplace and thrust them into the heart of the flames. "Watch to make sure that they are utterly consumed!" said Travante. "Now then: are prisoners pent in the dungeons?"

"No, Your Lordship! Throop ate them all, every one!"

"In that case there is nothing to delay our going."

"To the contrary," said Madouc in a faint voice. "Sir Pom-Pom, you evidently pushed the onyx bead, not once but twice?"

"Not twice," said Sir Pom-Pom. "I pushed it a full five times, and once more for good measure. I notice that the vessel has collapsed into corroded fragments."

"It has served its purpose well," said Madouc. "Naupt, we spare you your horrid little life, but you must alter your ways!"

"With pleasure and gratitude, Your Ladyship!"

"Henceforth you must devote your time to good works and a kindly hospitality toward wayfarers!"

"Just so! How glorious to be free of my thralldom!"

"Nothing more detains us," said Madouc. "Sir Pom-Pom has found the object of his quest; I have learned that Sir Pellinore exists elsewhere; Travante is assured that his lost youth is not immured among the oddments and forgotten curios of Castle Doldil."

"It is something, but not much," sighed Travante. "I must continue my search elsewhere."

"Come!" said Madouc. "On this instant let us depart! I am sickened by the air!"

The three travellers departed Castle Doldil at their best speed, giving a wide berth to the corpse of the goblin knight with the broken neck. They marched westward in silence along Munkins Road, which, according to Naupt would presently join the Great North-South Road. And many glances were turned backward, as if in expectation of something terrible coming in pursuit. But the way remained placid and the only sounds to be heard were of birds in the forest.

The three walked on, mile after mile, each preoccupied with his own concerns. At last Madouc spoke to Travante. "I have derived some benefit, so I suppose, from this awful occasion. I can, at the very least, give a name to my father, and it would seem that he is alive. Therefore, I have not quested in vain. At Haidion I will make inquiries, and surely some grandee of Aquitaine will give me news of Pellinore."