Lust (38 page)

I was bare—my skin, my thoughts, and my emotions were
all wide open for him.

“Come, get under the blankets,” he said, lifting me from
the edge of the bed that I practically hung off of and placing me
down in the center. He positioned himself beside me and covered
us both. “Tell me what you are thinking,” he whispered.

My eyes shot to his, immediately feeling the déjà vu lingering
in my head.

But I was thinking: about him, about us. And with few
clear thoughts I released my emotions. “I love you, Alexander.”

Alexander’s shock mirrored my own, both of us unable to
comprehend that those words had just come out of my mouth.

But Alexander didn’t hesitate. He took what I had given
him, and lifting his weight onto my body, we made love for the
first time—slowly, passionately, and lovingly.

I watched Alexander sleep for more than an hour. I knew my
alarm would go off soon, so I shut it off before it woke him. I
dressed myself in Alexander’s shirt and sat in the open doors of
my small balcony, trying to digest everything he had brought
into my life. It was early morning, so I embraced the shirt tighter
to gain some warmth. I was engulfed with his scent, a scent
that had maddened me from the moment I smelled it on him.

I was lost and now vanishing into a world that would leave me
barefoot and pregnant, with nothing to talk about but dinner
parties and babies. My body trembled as I envisioned myself
waiting for Alexander in his kitchen with dinner prepared,
watching television, and sipping coffee—bored out of my mind!

I could see myself spending a lifetime with Alexander, but
that lifetime didn’t start now, couldn’t start now. It was a life I
wasn’t prepared for, a life I feared, and a life that I wasn’t willing
to sacrifice for, not just yet.

Leaving those to be my last frightening thoughts, I tiptoed
into the bathroom and showered quickly, praying every
moment that I didn’t wake Alexander. I had to leave; I had
to get to work before he woke. I needed some normalcy. I
needed to get back to the world where I controlled things,
where I knew everything that was going to happen to me,
and I could stop things from happening to me. The world
that surrounded me this morning was nothing like that. I
couldn’t stop Alexander from loving me, nor could I stop
myself from loving him.

I moved swiftly, dressing and grabbing my things for work.

I stood for a mere second to admire him, and as I felt my heart
rise to my throat, I pulled myself away, letting my mind win
the battle over my heart yet again.

Feeling the need to be able to escape if I needed to, I drove
into work. I kept my mind on the road and turned the radio
on full blast to stop me from thinking. When I arrived at the
parking garage, I had no idea how I had actually gotten there.

I didn’t know what expressways I took or what streets I turned
on to; the entire ride was a blur. Just like these last weeks.

I prepared myself for an onslaught of questioning from
Samantha as I proceeded toward my office. But she didn’t; she
was her usual self, except more reserved.

“Good morning. I got you some coffee. I thought you
would have taken today off as well, but I was glad when you
texted me that you were coming in. Do you need anything?”

Samantha was obviously being careful; she was walking on eggshells,
afraid that I would crack.

“Thank you, I’m fine. Is my schedule still clear today? I’d
like to get caught up on everything before next week. With all
the rescheduling, I’m sure I’m going to have to sleep here for
a while.”

I had been walking as I spoke, and Samantha caught my
elbow, flustering me. I turned and her eyes lit up with tears.

“I’m here for you if and when you need me.”

And with broken hearts, we embraced each other, trying to
console anything and everything that ached within us.

I settled into my office pretty quickly, determined to
keep my mind on my work and to get things back to normal.

Luckily the day was quiet, as I wasn’t supposed to be in, and
I had gotten a lot of work done,. It wasn’t until eleven when I
remembered for the first time that Alexander would awake this
morning to find me gone.

I don’t know if I sensed him coming, but with a loud slam of
the door, Alexander had stormed into my office. “What the fuck
is wrong with you? You leave without telling me that you’re leaving,
where you are going! Are you a fucking child?” His anger
protruded through every vein in his body, and I shook at the sight
of him. I had never seen this fire in him, not even in the throws
of passion. “Answer me, goddamn it. I deserve an explanation.”

Steadying myself, I stood to face him. “Please lower your
voice. You may not like what you hear, but you will have to
accept it. I told you from day one that I wasn’t looking for a
relationship. I have too much going on in my life, and nothing
else fits right now. This has to end; it has to end here.”

Alexander’s anger burned through him as he grabbed my
arms and shook me. “Don’t you fucking do this again, and don’t
you break me into pieces again. I won’t let you. You said…”

Easing up on me, he choked on his words. “You said you loved
me. I know it was true. You spoke to me from here.” He placed
his palm on my heart.

I felt sick. I felt the tears coming to my eyes as he stared into
them. I could feel his pain. The pain I was causing passed from
his palm like daggers into my chest; I couldn’t hurt him anymore.

“You have to go,” I urged him.

Without a word, he grabbed onto me, taking me into his
mouth like it was the last time; it felt like the last time I would
ever have his touch. Consumed by my desire to have him and
my eagerness to let him go, I gave into him.

Pulling my dress over my head, he pressed my body against
the windows of my office. I couldn’t have cared less who saw me
from the outside, but I knew that they had a privacy film: no
one could see from the outside. He lifted my one leg and placed
my heel onto the edge of my desk while the other kept steady
on the floor. I fumbled hungrily with his belt and zipper, and
when I released him, his anger and lust were filling his erection,
which pointed straight for my core.

Alexander didn’t waste time in making me feel what I had
felt every time I was alone with him. His penetration filled not
only my sex this time but every void that existed in my mind and
soul. He was the last piece of me, but I was a puzzle that couldn’t
be completed. I felt every part of him, biting his neck, nibbling
his ear lobe, digging my nails into his back, as I pulled him closer
and deeper into me. I didn’t want it to end; I wanted to keep the
sex going because I knew that as it ended so did our relationship.

As the thought of the end filled my head, tears fell on to my
cheeks, streaking my makeup. Holding my breath, I locked my
arms around him tightly. Alexander worked harder and faster
to give me happiness, and he did; we reached our release together
and for the last time.

Alexander sat on the floor of my office as I maneuvered to
get dressed. He watched me intently, trying to figure me out.

But I refused to look at him. I couldn’t—he would know.

“Evangeline, look at me,” he pleaded.

“I have to clean up. I have work to do,” I said, trying to
sound unaffected by the joy we had just shared. Women are
such bitches; we play the game so well it’s Oscar worthy. I admit
it. But it works; it is our self-defense.

“Look at me.” He tugged at my arm, turning me toward him.

“Why are you crying? What’s the matter? Tell me what I’ve done.”

Choking on my emotions, I knew it had to be now; I had to
find the courage or cowardice within me and get this done. “This
is over. We are done, Alexander. You said you wouldn’t take more
than I could give. Well, I can’t give you what you want. You have to
respect my wishes. Please leave me and don’t try to see me again.”

Alexander’s hand dropped from where he held my arm. He
stood there maimed, bleeding internally. “Tell me and I will
go,” he said.

“Tell you what, Alexander?” I questioned him as I sniffled
through my tears.

“Tell me you don’t love me, and I will go and never see
you again.”

It was cruel, but I knew his purpose. He knew that I
couldn’t intentionally hurt him. This would kill him, but I had
no choice.

He left me with no choice. “I don’t love you, Alexander.” My
voice cracked as I pushed out each word, lying through every
syllable.

Alexander stepped away from me, tormented by my words
and by my lies. “Do you know why you are so certain that fairy
tales don’t exist, Ms. Chase? It is because you are so fucking good
at erasing them the minute you see something magical coming
from a distance. I have only ever truly loved three people in my
life…” He lowered his head, trying to hide the tears forming in
his eyes. “And two of them were ripped away from me unexpectedly.

And then there you are; I probably love you more than my
parents. You revived something in me that I thought was dead
and gone forever. You made me feel what I have never felt in
thirty-six years of life, and now…You are ripping my heart out
intentionally and purposely. I won’t let you; I won’t let you take
away this love from me. But, I will let you go. The difference
between my parent’s death and what you’ve done here today is
they didn’t choose to leave me and break my heart.”

Alexander moved toward my office door and grabbed the
knob. “I am always going to remember the way I feel being in
love with you, and I will be sure to find that love again. You, on
the other hand, can blame yourself day in and day out for throwing
away the one true love, the fairy tale, the unicorn, and the
magic that you never thought existed but that found you regardless
of your cynicism. Great job. Well done. You’ve succeeded:
you lost me. Oh, and please, it’s Mr. Mason from here on in.”

And the door slammed as he closed me in behind it, making me
flinch and drop to my knees. He was gone, truly and for the last time
gone, taking with him the last breath and last bit of love left in me.

Samantha ran into my office seconds later, finding me a disaster
lying in a pool of my own tragedy. The minute my eyes
met hers, I sobbed—loudly, crushingly—as I knew this was an
irreversible mistake on my part.

“Did he hurt you? What happened, Eva? Talk to me,”

Samantha cried as she begged for me to tell her what had happened.

But I was too ashamed. Crying desperately and in pain, I
whimpered the only thing I knew to be true, “He’s gone. I’ve
lost the only man I’ve ever loved.”

Samantha said nothing.

I curled next to Samantha on the floor of my office and cried
into her lap for the rest of the afternoon. I was always successful,
as I had once again proved. For someone who was afraid of
having to sacrifice, I had just sacrificed one of the greatest and
mystical things you can attain in life—true love!

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

I found no comfort in the weekend. The days were as dark as
the nights, and my heart and soul accompanied the death that
the darkness carried with it. During the few hours I was awake
for within those forty-eight hours, I spent crying.

I cried for Chrissy, or rather for my losing Chrissy.

I cried for alienating Samantha and my mother; having
been encapsulated in a world unknown but full of satisfaction.

Most of all I cried for Alexander.