Luck of the Devil (5 page)

“Finding Jesus isn’t hard.” Malachi twitched, so it appeared as if he was shrugging. He floated to the coffeepot and hovered over it, absorbing almost the entire pot. “He teaches special education at a public school near Charleston. Why? Were you looking for him? I’ve got his phone number and address.”

“No, I mean he’s found religion,” I corrected. “Why do you have Jesus’s address?”

He finished off the coffee. “I send him a birthday card every year. It seemed a little cruel, seeing how everyone else sends each other cards for his birthday, and he doesn’t ever get one that says, ‘Hey big guy, looking good after another year. Happy birthday!’”

“Oh, for the love of all Evil,” Hope said, her eyes blazing like little red blowtorches. “Do you think this is funny?”

“It’s a bit funny.” Malachi floated toward me and hovered over my shoulder.

“The thing is,” Lisa said, “can a born demon find religion?”

“To answer your rather intelligent question,” Malachi said, “yes, Boris could, in fact, fall up. It’s pretty rare, and exceedingly difficult, but it can be done.”

“But Boris?” Tolliver looked between the hulking demon on our couch and the tiny one floating next to me. “Falling up? I mean, he isn’t exactly the brightest crayon in the box, is he?”

“He is not dumb!” Hope’s head smoldered with a halo of hellfire. “He just prefers things a little simpler than most. What am I saying? He is an idiot. And no, I have no idea how exactly he fell up. One minute he’s perfectly fine, going out for a quick smoke, and two hours later he’s back and all… glowy.”

“Glowy?” I asked. “He doesn’t seem very ‘glowy’ right now.”

“Watch this. Boris, you may hear us now.”

He blinked a couple of times, and his eyes came into focus. “Yes, dear.”

Her eye twitched. “Tell Faith about what you learned from Brother Ev.”

“It was so good,” Boris said, turning to face the rest of us, his whole being starting to glow with a white light. “There were cookies, and love, so very much love. Everyone should be nice to each other and strive for love. And cookies, the warm cookies make everything better. If you only had warm cookies, Hope said things would have been so much better for all of us.”

Tolliver whistled. “Damn.”

She compelled Boris to watch the cartoons playing on my TV. “See?”

“Yeah,” I said, “he’s all kinds of fucked up. So what do we do?”

“I thought we could stay with you. There’s an apartment across the hall.”

“No there isn’t,” Lisa said. “Matt lives there.”

“Well, move him out.”

How dare she mess with Matt? The bitch was evil. I feigned nonchalance, tried to relax, and gave her a sweet smile. “I can’t. He signed a lease.”

“So? Break it.”

“He’s a lawyer. He’d sue and then he’d keep the apartment and someone might notice the free cable. But there is an apartment two floors up.” Thank Evil he’d taken the apartment across the hall. Now I wouldn’t be forced to live so close to Hope. There might be worse things than having my sister as a neighbor, but I wasn’t really sure what.

“Two floors up? You want me to live in a sixth floor walk-up?”

“It is a nice one bedroom, though. Utilities paid.”

“One bedroom? You want me to live in a one-bedroom apartment on the sixth floor of a building with no elevator?”

“If you’ve got a better idea, I’m all ears. Otherwise, it’s time to call that walk-up Home Sweet Home.”

“But where’s your mom going to sleep?” Tolliver asked. “I mean, you don’t have room here, and if Hope’s only got a one-bedroom she doesn’t have room, either. Roisin can’t exactly sleep on someone’s couch. Dad does
not
do couch sex.”

“Mom? Why would Mom be coming here? And what does Dad have to do with anything? They aren’t having sex anymore.”

Was there something they weren’t telling me?

“I may have invited her to come and visit,” Hope said, taking a long sip from her mug at the same time Tolliver said, “Yes they are.”

He might as well have ripped my heart out. “What?”

“Which one of us are you speaking to?” Tolliver asked.

“Both of you. Hope, go first.”

Shrugging, she smoothed her skirt over her thighs. “I invited Mom to visit. She should be in on the afternoon flight.”

“Great. Just great.” This was exactly what I needed right now. First Hope, and now my mother. I would need a vacation to recuperate from my vacation once this was all over.

“It could be,” Tolliver said. “Dad gets so cheerful after he and your mom have hot, steamy, demon sex.”

“Don’t say it,” I said. I’d rather jump off the building’s roof than ponder the thought of my parents having sex. “Don’t even think about it. I can’t afford the kind of therapy those images bring up. Besides, I thought they weren’t doing that anymore. Not since she’d found Earl, the paranormal counselor.”

“They broke up,” Hope said.

“Why?”

“Dad turned him into a goat.”

“Controlling his jealousy nicely, I see.” I pressed my head against the countertop and closed my eyes. Buh-bye, chances of having a nice, relaxing vacation.

“You know Dad,” Tolliver said. “Alpha male all the way. Now, where are we going to put him and your mom? Because I’ve got to tell you, if I never again walk in on Satan doing the horizontal monkey dance with his bare ass showing, it will still be too soon.”

“What is wrong with you, Tolliver?” I covered my ears. “They’ll have to either sleep on a couch somewhere or go stay at a hotel. Jesus!”

“Is not going to be visiting us with all these demons around,” Malachi pointed out. “He does have a guest room, though. But it’s a bit out of the way.”

“Who has a guest room?” Harold materialized in the kitchen, wearing his golf clothes, a bag of clubs slung over his left shoulder. “Do you think they’ll let me borrow it?”

“Who are you?” Hope asked, sitting up straight.

“That’s Harold,” I said. “The doctor Lisa killed last night. He’s hanging around for a bit while they clear up his paperwork. Since the death was untimely and all.”

“Untimely is the word for it,” Harold agreed.

Lisa’s face screwed into a sad little grimace. “I’m sorry, Harold.”

“What can you do?” He peered past Hope and focused on Boris, floating closer. “Hey, don’t I know you?”

“No,” my brother-in-law said, zoned out on Cartoon Network. “I don’t consort with ghosts.”

Harold snapped his fingers and pointed to him. “Sure I do. You were hanging around with that creepy guy I was trying to tell Faith—”

He
poofed
out of sight.

Everybody’s attention focused on Boris. He shrugged and turned back to the cartoons he’d been watching. “Guess they finally handled his paperwork.”

Chapter Five

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I said two hours later as I pulled my Civic into the parking garage at the Pittsburgh airport. “First Tolliver, then Hope and Boris. Now Mom and Dad?”

Shoving the parking stub into my purse, I opened the door and stepped out before hitting my key chain’s car-alarm button. Pittsburgh was a safe city, but only an idiot left her car unlocked in an airport parking lot. I made my way across the sky bridge and into the bustling airport, searching for my unwelcome guest.

If I were the former—and now apparently current—mistress of Satan, where would I head first after I got off the plane? If I found her right away, maybe it would prevent her from displaying too much of her crazy to the people around us. Airport security filtered everyone through one terminal on arrival so I could snag her there. And lo and behold! There was a coffee shop next to it.

I checked my watch. Fifteen minutes before she showed up. Time for at least one cup of coffee in peace today. Maybe, if I was lucky.

“Black coffee and a blueberry muffin,” I told the heavily tattooed young man at the counter. If Mom was here, Dad wouldn’t be far behind. He wasn’t going to let us get together without him, especially if they were an item again.

Once I had my snack, I found a table near the entrance of the cafe so I could see my mother when she came out of security. I sipped my coffee. They better be getting along still, because otherwise he’d pull something crazy and I’d have to move again. For the third time since I’d graduated college.

While enjoying my coffee—and the last bits of solitude before this impromptu family reunion went to Hell—I spotted a guy across the shop staring at me. Smiling, I tried my best ‘come hither’ eyes on him and was rewarded with a smirk. His pointer finger moved to his cheek and wiped at the side of his mouth, exaggerating the movement.

Frowning, I brought my fingers to my own mouth. They came away with blueberry.

Damn it.

“Faith!” My mother yelled from the other side of the airport lobby, distracting me from my mortification. “What are you doing here? It was supposed to be a surprise. Hope told you, didn’t she?”

“Tolliver might have mentioned it.” I took another long drink of coffee and counted to ten.

She settled into the seat across from me, fidgeting with her oversized pink bag. Between the heavy green eye shadow and the brassy blonde curls, she looked like a chubby, overgrown child who’d decided to play dress-up in her grandmother’s things. Unfortunately, she was at about that mental level as well. It had been almost a year since we’d seen each other, and I could’ve gone twice as long. The fates—and my sister—had conspired against me.

“Tolliver?” She narrowed her blue eyes and huffed. “I should have expected it of him. He’s never really happy when your father and I are together, after all. I think he’s got some sort of unresolved issues when it comes to your dad and his mother.”

“Mom?”

She licked at the bubblegum pink lip gloss on her teeth. “Yeah?”

“Jealousy is not a becoming quality on you, especially when you’re complaining about your stepson.”

“I’m not jealous. Tolliver is a bit of an odd young man, and his fascination with getting your father and his mother back together isn’t healthy.” Mom snagged my blueberry muffin and eyed the uneaten side. “You weren’t planning on finishing this, were you? I didn’t get anything to eat this morning and all they had was overly processed granola bars on the plane.”

“Take it.” No, I wasn’t hungry. My roommate didn’t eat my Danish, and my
pain de chocolates
weren’t sitting—uneaten—in my fridge. Go ahead, Mom. Enjoy. I slumped in my chair and waved my hand at her. “But lay off Tolliver, will you? Please?”

“I just don’t understand what your father would ever see in a succubus like Lilith. And don’t think I don’t know how she is, constantly grasping for reasons to be in his presence, nagging at him—”

“Not accepting he dumped her for a younger, mortal mistress?”

“Faith!”

“Wait, wait, don’t tell me.” I rose, leaving behind my empty coffee cup and grabbing her suitcase. “It’s complicated?”

“It is,” she said, following me out of the cafe and toward the baggage claim area. “And I don’t have any luggage. I managed to pack it all in a carry-on. But it was a bit questionable for a while. Do you know it’s against airport security regulations to bring a ceremonial dagger onto the plane to ward it against Hotakai Air Spirits?”

“You don’t say.”

“You’d think they’d be more concerned about the spirits, what with the way those things like to cause airplane crashes.”

“Right.” I changed direction and headed toward the parking garage instead of baggage claim, ignoring the fact that she’d let TSA feel the full complement of her crazy. I tried to put some distance between us so people wouldn’t realize we were together. Maybe I should’ve worn a chauffeur’s uniform. Then I’d have had an excuse to be with her that didn’t make me look like a total nutjob.

She followed me, still trying to explain how complicated her life with my father was, how I just didn’t understand, and how she had spent the ride terrified by the air spirits she knew were trying to end her life. I was going to have to call that doctor of hers in Provo and ask about the last time she’d had her meds refilled.

Once her bags were in my trunk and she was settled in the passenger seat, she said, “So, I’m not here to spend all my time talking about your father. Tell me about you.”

“What do you want to know?” With a quick glance in my rearview mirror, I shifted my Honda into reverse. I knew what she was going to ask, but I’d be damned if I actually told her anything voluntarily. At thirteen, I’d decided that if my mother wanted information from me, she’d have to extract it using techniques banned in most Third World nations.

“Are you dating anyone?”

“Nope.”

“What do you mean, ‘nope’?”

“Exactly what it sounds like, Mom. I’m not dating anyone.”

“Well, is there anyone you’re interested in dating? Maybe someone at work? There must be all sorts of eligible young doctors working at the hospital. Or not so young. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with an older man. They have a few more miles, sure, but they’re a lot more settled and they’re more likely to look over those minor imperfections a gal is plagued with once she’s out of her twenties. And you’re a pediatric nurse. Nothing makes a man think about settling down more than seeing a woman who’s good with kids.”

I shifted into drive and stomped on the gas pedal, squealing the tires. “There’s nobody, Mom. And I’ve tended to find men who are more likely to get terrified than eager when kids come up.”

“Speaking of work, I should call Raspberry Starshine. Maybe she’ll have an infusion that can help you land the young man at work you’re interested in? Make him realize talking about kids and commitment isn’t such a bad thing?”

“Mom. Again. I’m not interested in anyone—at work or otherwise—and I definitely wouldn’t need any sort of infusion if I were.”

“But she makes such good ones. She’s by far the most skilled herbal witch we have working at the society’s promotional shop. I mean, people just flock to us for her philters and healing potions. The society is getting quite a large clientele now because of her.”

“That’s great.” I pulled up to the pay station and quickly swiped my bankcard. “How many paying clients do you have now? Three? Four?”

“Very funny, young lady. You’ve never taken my work with the society seriously. Did you know this is the first year someone hasn’t gone to the city council and requested they refuse to renew our church permits, or asked the state to investigate our not-for-profit status?”

“That’s wonderful.” Damn it. I knew something had slipped my mind last Christmas. How could I have forgotten to lodge my annual protest with the Provo City Council? That’s what I get for putting off my holiday shopping. Everything else just slipped my mind while I tried to fight my way through the Christmas mall sales. Damn mortal holidays.

“I mean, I’d like to think most of it is because of the public relations battle I’ve been waging to change the public’s perception of us, and also the letter-writing campaign to the various state and local authorities. But it seems the people of Provo are finally willing to exist in peace with us and accept the positive flow of energy we’re sending them during our daily chanting sessions.”

“Great!” I merged into the far lane and pressed the accelerator. There was nothing worse than being trapped alone with my mother, for any length of time. I’d even pay a speeding ticket at this point.

“I mean, during my last intervention with our city alderman, his aura was much lighter than in previous meetings outside his house.”

“You’re ambushing your local alderman outside his house?” Yep, she was definitely off the meds. And if that quack of hers was ‘weaning her off them’ I was going to tear him into little pieces and hand-feed him to the imps. I pushed the accelerator harder. How fast could this car go again? One-ten? One-twenty? Time to find out.

“You make it sound as bad as he did when he filed that restraining order.” She slid one of her over-processed blonde ringlets out of her eyes and flipped down my passenger-side visor mirror to inspect her makeup. “I mean, for the longest time, his aura was positively black around me.”

“And now that you’re violating the restraining order and showing up at his house?” I slowed behind an eighteen-wheeler and scanned my memory for alternate routes home.

“Well I don’t go right up to him, silly. I have a tape mark exactly one hundred and five yards from his property line and I stand outside of it and chant for him each morning to open his heart to our healing mission. Soon, I think he’ll be open to an awakening.”

“Or he’s just resigned himself to having a cuckoo in the neighborhood.”

“You know, dear, for one so young, your chi is extremely stifled. No wonder your aura is always so murky and you can’t find a nice man to settle down with.”

Instead of answering, I flipped on the radio and turned it up.

With a huff, my mother crossed her arms and stared out the window, sulking. “I can see when my motherly advice isn’t wanted.”

“Your motherly advice isn’t wanted.”

“Well, thankfully, your sister seems to care about my advice. I mean, look at how happy she is with Boris now that I’ve had a heart-to-heart with her.”

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and my knuckles went white. “Was that before or after he double-crossed her and caused them to end up at my apartment homeless and broke?”

She picked at her hot pink fingernail polish. “I think this is the first time I’ve visited since you moved to Pittsburgh. What interesting things are there to do here? Is there a local neo-pagan group I can meet, maybe find a place to commune with the harmony of the local spirits?”

“I wouldn’t know, Mom, I don’t normally try to commune with the local spirits. And when I do go around people who are big into spirituality, I either freak them out, destroy their religious convictions, or they try to come up with some way to use me in a bid for immortal power.”

“Well, dear, if you were more open to a spiritual cleansing that might not happen so frequently,” she said, and patted my knee.

I jerked my knee from under her hand. “Speaking of communing and harmony and all that good jazz, I was thinking, since you’ve already told Hope she can have an apartment in my building rent-free—”

“That isn’t an issue, is it? I mean, you have an available apartment and she is your sister, not to mention she’s hit a rough patch and needs the support of her family.”

“Like I said, since Hope is already moving in, I thought it would be great if you were there to provide her with all the maternal love and support she’s going to need by staying on her couch instead of mine.” Score one for Baby Sister.

“Her couch?”

“Well, yeah. There’s only a double bed up there, but I still think she and Boris would be more comfortable sleeping on it than on the couch. Meanwhile, it’s perfectly sized for you.”

“But normally when I come to visit I sleep on your bed and you sleep on the couch so I can be more comfortable. You know I have a very sensitive back.” My mother’s eyes widened and she twisted a curl around her finger, trying to appear childlike and innocent.

That wasn’t going to work on me, though. I was tough. I was powerful. I was going to get a chance to enjoy my vacation full of reality television reruns. “Yes, but with Hope suffering like she is, it really would be better if you stayed with her. To provide her with that motherly guidance you were talking about.”

“But, but, but... ”

“But?”

“There’s no way your father will be comfortable on Hope’s couch. Especially as angry as he’s going to be when he finds out about Boris.”

I pulled off the highway on two wheels and the car tilted sideways, screeching onto the exit ramp. “Dad’s coming?”

“Well, of course he is. He’d have flown with me this morning, but there was a bit of a mix-up and he had to sort it out personally. He said it had something to do with a soul showing up unannounced, without paperwork. They thought they had it handled and all of a sudden, the soul disappeared again. He said something about it being banished into Purgatory. Everyone whines about having to go into Purgatory to get someone out of the waiting room, so your father decided to handle it himself. Besides, I’ve always thought he wasn’t all that comfortable with flying. Very protective of their space, those Hotakai Air Spirits.”

“Of course they are, Mom.” I turned onto my street and spotted a black Lamborghini parked in front of my building. Leave it to Dad to be inconspicuous.

“Oh, good!” My mother bounced happily in her seat when we pulled up behind the sports car and parked. “Your father made it.”