Loving Him Without Losing You (35 page)

The Ceremonial Circle
by Sedonia Cahill and Joshua Halpern. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1990.

Wisdom Circles
by Charles Garfield, Cindy Spring, and Sedonia Cahill. New York: Hyperion, 1998.

Sacred Circles
by Robin Deen Carnes and Sally Craig. San Francisco: HarperSan- Francisco, 1998.

Women Circling the Earth: Fostering Community, Healing, and Empowerment through Women’s Circles
by Beverly Engel. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Com- munications, 2000.

Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused
by Steven Farmer. Los Angeles: Lowell House, 1989.

Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society’s Betrayal of the Child
by Alice Miller. New York: New American Library, 1986.

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
by Alice Miller. New York: Basic Books, 1981.

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence
by Alice Miller. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1984.

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.

The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Beverly Engel. New York: Ballantine Books, 1990.

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse
by Wendy Maltz. New York: HarperPerennial, 1992.

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life

by Patricia Love. New York: Bantam Books, 1990.

The Emotionally Abused Woman
by Beverly Engel. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1991.

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
by Susan Forward. New York: Bantam Books, 1986.

Battered Wives,
rev. ed., by Del Martin. San Francisco: Volcano Press, 1981.

The Battered Woman
by Lenore Walker. New York: Harper & Row, 1979.

Codependent No Mor
e by Melody Beattie. San Francisco: Harper/Hazeldon, 1987.
Beyond Codependency
by Melody Beattie. San Francisco: Harper/Hazeldon, 1989.
Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change
by

Robin Norwood. Los Angeles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1985.

Choice-Making: For Codependents, Adult Children, and Spirituality Seekers
by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse. Pompano Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1985.

Obsessive Love
by Susan Forward. New York: Bantam Books, 1991.

Little Girl Lost
by Drew Barrymore. New York: Pocket Books, 1990.
Leaving a Doll’s House
by Claire Bloom. Boston: Little, Brown, 1996.
What Falls Away
by Mia Farrow. New York: Doubleday, 1997.

Frida Kahlo
by Salomon Grimberg. New York: Barnes & Noble, 1997.

The Education of a Woman: The Life of Gloria Steinem
by Carolyn G. Heilbrun. New York: Dial Press, 1995.

Gloria Steinem: Her Passions, Politics, and Mystique
by Sydney Ladensohn Stern.

Secaucus, N.J.: Carol Publishing Group, 1997.

Frida Kahlo: The Brush of Anguish
by Martha Zamora. San Francisco: Chronicle, 1990.

Index

authentic self, finding through emotions, 191–196

through journaling, 183, 184–189

overview of, 175–176, 177–178

through refuge, 189–191

through solitude, 178–184 author

contact information for, 257, 278

experience of, 4

Women of Substance known by, vii

balance, creating, 241–242, 246–247,

249–250

Barrymore, Drew, vii, 3–4, 177 beginning of relationship, 114–115 being yourself

chameleon syndrome and, 90–91 false impressions and, 89–90 preferences and, 94–98

questions regarding, 84–86 risk and exposure in, 86–89

telling the truth, 91–94, 98–101 benefits

of book, 14–15

of solitude, 178–179, 181 of stating preferences, 95 of structure, 104, 115–116

of telling truth, 93–94, 99–100 biological reasons for disappearing,

29–32

blame, 156, 227–229

Bloom, Claire, vii, 3–4, 104–105 Borderline Personality Disorder

(BPD)

description of, 41–44, 264–267 mailing lists for, 277

prognosis for, 275–276

treatment of, 267–274

brain, 29–30

buttons, pushing, 136–137

caregiving, stopping, 237

Carson, Rachel, 207

chameleon syndrome, 90–91

changing other, 150

changing self to please partner appearance and, 141–143

good versus bad change, 144–147 overview of, 140–141

Svengali complex and, 147–150 values and beliefs and, 143–144 verbal intimacy and, 143

childhood history

Disappearing Woman syndrome and, 33–34, 58

journaling and, 186

“love at first sight” and, 69 questionnaire on, 55–57

circles, 253–257

clinging behavior, 36

codependency, 1, 125–126, 249 cognitive behavioral therapy, 269–270 commitment

pushing for, 75–77, 78–79

to self, 63–64, 171–172 communication

behaviors to avoid in, 167–168 excuses for poor behavior in, 166 giving up on, 160–161

styles of, 143

comparing self with others, 215–216 competency of girls, 26 complaining, 157, 160–161

completion, looking to man for, 27–28, 233–235

compliance in girls, 26, 36

compromise, 145, 146

condescending behavior, 165 conflict and Shadow projections, 212 confusing present and past, 136–138

continuum.
See
Disappearing Woman continuum

control issues, 149

corpus callosum, 30 cost of therapy, 270

creative expression, involvement in, 230–233

criticism, 156, 164–165

crying, 31, 181, 182

cultural conditioning, 25–29

dates

offensive behavior on, 98 processing, 73

purpose of, 66, 82–83

dating history, checking out, 72 decisions, risking making own,

235–237

defensive stance of partner, 171 dependency, 26, 112-114, 239-240 Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT),

270, 276

diplomat mode, 34 Disappearing Woman

biological reasons for, 29–32 characteristics of, 10–11 complaint made by, 159–160 cultural conditioning and, 25–29 definition of, 2

ways of disappearing, 17–18

See also
psychological reasons for disappearing

Disappearing Woman continuum determining fit on, 49–53 differences among categories of,

53–55

extreme category of, 47–49, 52–53,

57–59, 61, 264–265, 277

importance of, 48–49

mild category of, 46, 48, 49–51,

56–57, 253–257

moderate category of, 46–47, 48, 49,

51–52, 57–59, 258–263

overview of, 45–48

questionnaires for, 55–57, 59–61

dissociation, 193

divorce, involvement of fathers after, 88

dominating behavior, 154, 162

DSM-IV,
41

dysphoria, 41

economic dependency, 112–114

emotional abuse, 55, 154–158, 168

See also
abuse history emotional blackmail, 156–157

emotional connectedness, 31–32, 234,

248

emotional needs, 162–164, 239–240,

241–242

emotions

expressing from past, 224–225 finding authentic self through,

191–196, 234

telling truth about, 98–101

See also specific emotions,
e.g., fear empathy, 218, 228–229

Empowerment Circles, 255–257

engulfment, fear of, 118–119, 248

envy, 213–216

equal relationships, cultivating, 151–153, 158

exercises

Anger Visualization, 204

Are You in an Equal Relationship?, 152–153

Comforting and Soothing, 190 Determine and Meet All Your Needs,

241–242

Discover the Reasons for Your Guilt, 240

Discover Your Patterns, 134–135 Give Yourself Gifts of Pleasure,

238–239

exercises
(continued)

Gradual Anger Release, 205 How Do You Disappear?, 18

How Much Have You Been Willing to Change?, 149

How Much Structure Do You Need?, 115–116

How Much Unfinished Business Do You Have?, 223–224

Journaling about Your Feelings, 193 Mining for the Gold of Your Shadow,

214–216

Personal Ads Before and After, 96 Question Your Motives, 130

Sentence Completion, 187–188

Shadow Work, 211

“Sneak Past” Your Resistance and Fear, 205

Start with Fifteen Minutes a Day, 180 Voice Your Anger and Pain, 202–203 Your Anger List, 224–225

Your Childhood Wish List, 226 Your Emotional Needs, 163 Your Life in Review, 185–186

exploratory therapy, 268–269 extremes, going to in relationships,

79–80, 241

false hope, letting go of, 225 false impression, giving, 89–90 false self, 35–36, 55, 86, 89, 195 family background, checking out,

71–72

fantasy

as comfort, 124

illusion and, 69

obsessive love and, 128–129 of rescue, 124–126

of romance, 126–128

tendency toward, 122–124

Farrow, Mia, vii, 3–4, 111–112

father

capturing attention of, 87–89

effects of loss of on girls, 37–38, 88, 132–134

unfinished business with, 55 “father thirst” (Abelin), 132–133 fear

of anger, 203–207

of being alone, 70–71, 243–244

of emotions, 195–196

of engulfment, 118–119

men’s fears, 106, 107–108, 201, 248

purpose of, 194

rushing into relationship and, 75–77

feelings.
See
emotions

feminine qualities, 4–5, 27, 126, 246,

247, 249–250

fighting back, 26–27

folktales, 40

forgiveness, 227–229

Fossey, Dian, 207

fragile egos, 35–36

friendship, 108–110, 253

“gangsta” facade, 36

getting to know someone, 67 giving self away, 237

good enough parenting, 57 good girl act, 87

guilt, purpose of, 194

helplessness of girls, 27 herpes, 74

history divulging, 75

loss of self in relationships and, 21

See also
abuse history; childhood history

hobbies and interests, importance of, 105–107

identity

differences between male and female, 37–38

relinquishing upon marriage, 102–103

symptoms of weak, 222

See also
sense of self; separate life, maintaining

illusion of inherent inferiority, 27 individuation

completing process of, 94 creative expression and, 230–231 making decisions and, 236 problems in, 37–38, 70

resolving relationship with parents and, 226–227

signs of successful, 243–245 “inner child,” 2–4

insecurity, 18

instant relationships, 66, 67–69, 73

instincts, overriding, 68–69 intercourse.
See
sexual relationship interdependency, 239–240 interpersonal relationships versus

achievement, 40

interruptions, 166 interviews, overview of, 3