Love, Rosie (27 page)

tered.
Sweet
dreams
to
you
and
baby
Katie.

Note
to
self:

Do
not
bounce
Katie
on
knee
after
feeding.

Do
not
breast
feed
beside
football
pitch.

Do
not
inhale
when
changing
nappy.
In
fact
allow
Mum
and
Dad
or
even

random
strangers
to
change
nappy
as
often
as
possible
if
they
so
wish.

Do
not
push
buggy
by
old
school
for
Ms.
Big
Nose
Smelly
Breath
Casey
to

see.

Do
not
laugh
when
Katie
falls
on
her
bum
after
attempting
to
walk.

Do
not
try
to
have
conversation
with
old
friends
from
school
with
whole

lives
ahead
of
them,
as
this
will
result
in
huge
frustration.

Stop
crying
when
Katie
cries.

Bonjour
Stephanie!

How’s
my
beautiful
sister
doing?
Sitting
in
a
café
drinking
a
café
au
lait

wearing
a
beret
and
a
stripy
top
while
stinking
of
garlic,
no
doubt!
Oh,
who

says
stereotypes
are
dead
and
gone!

Thanks
for
the
present
you
sent
Katie.
Your
goddaughter
says
she
misses

you
very
much,
and
she
sends
lots
of
drool
and
sloppy
kisses
your
way.
I

think
I
could
make
those
words
out
of
the
screaming
and
wailing
bellowing

out
of
her
tiny
little
mouth.
Honestly
I
don’t
know
where
all
the
noise
comes

from.
She
is
the
tiniest
and
most
fragile
little
thing
I
have
ever
seen,
some-

times
I’m
afraid
to
hold
her
but
then
she
opens
her
mouth
and
all
hell
breaks

loose.
The
doctor
says
she’s
colicky.
All
I
know
is
that
so
she
doesn’t
stop

screaming.

It’s
amazing
how
something
so
small
can
be
so
smelly
and
so
noisy.

48

Cecelia
Ahern

I
think
she
should
go
into
the
Guinness
book
of
records
for
being
the
smelli-

est
noisiest
smallest
thing
ever.
What
a
proud
mother
I
would
be.

I’m
so
knackered,
Stephanie.
I
feel
like
a
complete
zombie.
I
can
barely

read
the
words
I’m
writing
(apologies
for
mashed
banana
on
bottom
of

page).
Katie
just
cries
and
cries
and
cries
through
the
night.
I
have
a
constant

headache.
All
I
do
is
wander
around
the
house
like
a
robot
picking
up
teddy

bears
and
toys
that
I
trip
over.
It’s
hard
to
bring
Katie
anywhere
because
she

just
screams
wherever
we
are;
I’m
afraid
people
think
I’m
kidnapping
her
or

being
a
terrible
mother.
I
look
like
a
balloon.
All
I
wear
are
the
most
unflat-

tering
tracksuits.
My
bum
is
huge.
My
stomach
is
covered
in
stretch
marks,

I’ve
flab
that
won’t
seem
to
go
away
no
matter
how
much
I
shout
at
it
and