Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (25 page)

“Maybe that’s because you never considered the fact
that I’m actually in love with her. That’s a possibility you
would never allow your scheming mind to consider.”

“Maybe I’m the only one watching out for Denise
because, out of the two of us, I’m the only one who does
care for her. What the hell kind of relationship do you
two have where she’s crying herself to sleep every night?”

“Astoria!” I gasped. It wasn’t her place to say that. That wasn’t something I wanted to come out to John.
Not like that. With so much hurt and tension in the air.

“Maybe you should mind your own business, Astoria.
Maybe that’s what’s wrong with our relationship. You
ever think of that?” John shouted at Astoria.

“You are what’s wrong with my friend. Every since
you came into her life, it’s gotten worse day by day.”

H
is eyes were two green flames in his bright red face.
He repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists and did
the same with his jaw.

“That’s because you are always in our business. Filling
her head with bullshit I’m not even doing.” John said.
“Just because you’re bitter—”

“Don’t you judge me!” Astoria cut him off,
screaming. He had obviously hit a nerve. Well, to be fair,
both of them were hitting nerves all over the place. “You
don’t know nothin’ about nothin’. And you damn sure
don’t know enough to be passing judgment on anybody. We ain’t all born with a trust fund and a silver spoon. So
why don’t you—”

“Stop! Just stop. Both of you,” I screamed.

They both turned to me, glowering, like I was doing
something wrong.

“You’re talking about me like I’m not even here. And
you’re tearing each other down when you’re two of the
people I care most about. I don’t wanna hear it anymore.
No one’s to blame for this but me,” I said.

John sat down on top of the long, rectangular table at
the front of the classroom and leaned forward, resting his
elbows on his thighs. “I’m sorry, Denise.”

“I’m not. I meant what I said and hopefully you’ll see
I’m right before you finish destroying your life.” I
watched Astoria leave, the heels of her ankle books
clicking against the tile floor. I had no desire to stop her.

I went over to John and sat next to him, leaning my
head against his. He put his arm around me and I let him
hold me, but I left my arms by my sides. He gently
s
troked my arm for a few moments, saying nothing. He
was willing to give me the silence we both needed.

I was the hard-headed one who broke it. “How’s this
ever going to work?”

I felt him shrug.

“C’mon, John. Don’t you want it to work? Say some
thing. I’m tired of all this quiet shit. All this shrugging.
You tell me what you want. What you think,” I said,
looking up at him. I wished I hadn’t. His eyes were full of
unshed tears.

“I’m just sad. That’s all I know to say,” he said
hoarsely, looking away and swiping at his eyes.

“What? I make you sad?” I asked, testing him.
He shook his head.

“John—”

“No. I just don’t know how we’re gonna make it.
Everyone’s against us. Including you.” His voice sounded
so tired that it broke my heart just a little bit more with every word he spoke.

“How could you say that?” I asked, tears welling up
in my eyes. I started to pull away, but tightened his arm
around me.

“You know it’s true. I can’t do anything about them.
You always try to make it my fault. And then Astoria always
gets in it. And she always makes it worse. And people—
people hate me, Denise. I think my own parents hate me.
Sometimes, I think you hate me. How are we gonna do
this?” John said. Something about him saying I hated him killed me a little inside. I knew the end was coming, even
though I ignored it like hell. I was losing him.

“
John. I don’t hate you. No one hates you,” I said. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his
shoulder. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I couldn’t take the
chance of seeing his love for me drain out of them. It
would have killed me.

“Ral’s the only person who will talk to me. Nobody
else wants to come near me. My roommates make sure I hear every nasty thing anybody has to say about you and
me. Sasha’s uncle is threatening to pull his company’s
business away from my dad and—and I just feel like I’ve
ruined so many lives—”

“Because of me?”

“Including yours. Maybe—maybe everyone’s right.
Maybe it’s just too hard for people like us to be together.”

“Black and white?” I pulled back from him. I still
wouldn’t look him in the eyes, though.

“Not just race. Everything, Denise. Don’t you sometimes feel like the bad outweighs the good since we got
together?” he asked.

My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t even want to
think about the answer to that question. He had just
given my darkest thought voice.

“John, how could you say something like that? I can’t
have this conversation right now. With everything going
on right now? With Astoria? With the honor council and
everything? With Lindie? With Cindy and the others
trying to ruin my life?”

“All that would go away if I did,” John said quietly. “I
don’t know how else to make it stop. I don’t want you to
be miserable.”

“You don’t want you to be miserable.”

“You’re right. We shouldn’t be having this conversa
tion right now,” John said quietly. So quietly I almost
didn’t hear him. With that, he kissed me hard on the lips.
I pushed my needy lips back against his. Our tears min
gled, hot on our faces. Instead the sighs of pleasures usu
ally between our kisses, there were escaped sobs of fear
and sadness. We held onto each other tightly, as if
somehow that could save us from the hell we were in.

Then suddenly, he separated his lips from mine and
turned his head away.

“Huh?” I was perplexed.

“I gotta get outta here for a bit. I’ll call you later.”
“Where you going?”

“I just need to think. I think I’m going for a drive. A
long one. I just—I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For just—a lot of reasons.”

I started to follow him.

He turned to face me, shaking his head. “Just don’t,
okay?”

“John,” I called out after him. He stopped again, but
didn’t turn around.

“Hm?”

“Are we still, you know, together?”

“What kinda question is that?” He left the room,
never turning to look at me.

“A good one, apparently,” I muttered, watching his
retreating back.

I hugged myself and tried my hardest to remember
the last time we’d laughed really hard together. Or had a
conversation in which we exchanged no harsh words. He
couldn’t be right. The bad couldn’t outweigh the good. It
just couldn’t.

SOMETIMES LOVE JUST
AIN’T ENOUGH

“Oh, you’re just angry that you can’t be the popular,
lovable frat boy anymore huh? I guess I’ve just sucked the
life out of you, right? Sorry for being real. I am so sorry
I brought you into the real world, John,” I snarled,
angrily pushing away from the table. I had invited John
over for dinner to try to repair things, but it wasn’t going
well at all. John and I had just sat down with our salad.
It was one of those pre-mixed salads in the bag. Our frozen lasagna had just finished heating up in the oven
and was cooling on the stovetop.

John and I were having the same fight. I felt like we had this fight every time we so much as spoke to each
other. I couldn’t stand it. The only thing I could bear
even less was the thought of losing him altogether. Even
though we were fighting, at least he was there with me.

“Denise. We shouldn’t have to try this hard. That’s all
I said. And that’s all I meant,” John said. His voice
sounded so tired, it hurt my heart to hear it.

My eyes burned with tears. Tears of fatigue, frustra
tion, anger. We were two tired, angry, jaded people.

“
This was supposed to help. All it’s done is bring us
even closer to the edge,” I said with a humorless laugh,
picking at the hem of my new navy blue skirt. How naïve
of me to expect dinner to fix everything.

“You accuse me of shutting you out. But you shut me
out, too. You don’t even want me at your hearing.” He sat
back in his chair and folded his arms across his gray polo.

“It’s a closed hearing,” I muttered emptily.

“Denise, you know you’re allowed to have some
friends or family present,” he said in his quiet, testy tone. A tone I had grown to detest over the past few weeks.

I shrugged moodily.

“And you’re always getting on me for shrugging and
not talking.”

“I don’t want anyone there. I’m embarrassed. I’m
ashamed,” I said through clenched teeth.

“And you blame me for it. That’s the real reason you
don’t want me there,” he said.

“You don’t even like touching me anymore,” I said, standing up and walking into the living room. I was des
perate to change the subject, and it was true. He’d barely touched me since the shower we’d taken together weeks
before. I heard him get up and follow me.

“What are you talking about? I kissed you hello.”
“Our kisses are empty and sad now. They hurt me.”
“Then why are you complaining? Sounds like you
don’t want me to touch you.”

“You know what I mean. I want you to—I want it to
be like before. I want everything to be like—before,” I
said, clenching my fist.

“I want that, too.”

“How can we fix it?”

He looked down at his hands. “Dunno.”

“C’mon. You haven’t even tried to make love to me
since—since before. Maybe if we just—”

“Denise,” John said softly, arresting my hand in its
path down his chest with a single touch.

“No?” I said.

“No,” he said firmly. But I still heard the almost
imperceptible crack in his voice.

“It’s worth a try.” I didn’t even attempt to wipe away
my tears.

“If a kiss hurts, what do you think that would do to us?” he said as he gently wiped my tears away.

“You doin’ it with someone else?” I avoided his hor
rible, painful question with a hateful one of my own.

“How could you even—if I didn’t cheat on Sasha, how could I—Denise, you are just unbelievable.” He pulled away from me.

“Then why don’t you want me?” I couldn’t stop. Why
was I trying to make him angry?

“I do. Badly. But this isn’t a good time for us to do
that,” he said, taking a step back from me.

“Huh? Not a good time? I inconvenience you, right,
Archer? I’m just one big inconvenience to your life, aren’t
I?” I screamed. I wanted him to show some emotion.

“You know what? I’ve had enough.” I got an emotion,
all right. He sounded thoroughly disgusted with me.
“You keep pushing me, Denise, and you’re gonna get
what you want. You’re gonna push me too far.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I gotta get outta here. This is just too much.”
He grabbed his jacket off of the sofa with an angry jerk.
And the next thing I knew, he was out the door, slam
ming it behind him.