Love Me Tomorrow (27 page)

Levi decided he should likely stop talking, then said. “Right, sorry. I’m probably still drunk, please ignore me.”

Jake shrugged. “I’ll just go, then.”

Levi could see it on his face. Jake didn’t want to go. “Are you okay… to go, I mean?”

“Still kinda buzzed, but I’m not driving so I can grab a cab.”

His entire body started aching all at once, pleading with him to ask Jake to stay. “I’ll walk you to the door, then.”

Jake smiled. “Thanks for the play by play.”

“Shut up,” Levi said, hazily.

They both laughed and for a brief moment the tension between them dissipated.

Jake stood and Levi began pushing in on his temple, attempting to ease the pressure building there. He followed Jake, who paused at one of the barstools long the enough to pull on the leather coat he’d haphazardly tossed there earlier. Jake hesitated for a moment, pulling on his gloves while watching Levi intently, perhaps waiting for something that Levi knew could never come.

Jake finally nodded, as if having just read Levi’s thoughts.

Levi followed him to the door, waiting as Jake unbolted the lock before sliding it open.

Jake turned, chewing on his lip, appearing to be fighting with himself, then said. “Before I go, I
need
to say something… I think. Not sure I should, but I feel like I’ll end up regretting it one day if I don’t.”

Levi was unsure where this was going, but something told him it was going to end up hurting in some way. “Okay?”

“In that spirit, here goes.” Jake paused, like he might be attempting to gather his thoughts. “I can’t get you out of my head, Levi. I’m fairly certain this isn’t actually news to you, but I’ve tried putting you out of my mind, I truly have, Levi, you’ll never know how hard I’ve tried.”

Levi gulped in a deep breath feeling the stabbing pain in his chest, now realizing exactly where this was headed.

Jake shook his head as if to apologize. “Every time I close my eyes I see your face. I have unwillingly memorized every line and curve of that face, the tiny scar just above your eyebrow, the way the corners of your mouth crinkle up when you smile and the distractingly sexy, tiny mole on the right side of your neck, just below the jawline.”

Levi sighed, closing his eyes when Jake reached up, allowing the pad of his thumb to brush across the mole in question.

This definitely fucking hurts
. He winced when Jake pulled his hand away.

“Such a beautiful face.”

“Jake—”

“You’re in my dreams,” he said, cutting Levi off. “In the air I breathe, no matter where I go you’re there—haunting me. And I realize how crazy it is, and that I have no right to be saying any of this to you. But I am continuously drawn back to you, Levi. This connection, it is undeniable and I think I may even be falling…” He paused, forehead crinkling up and he sighed softly, as if what he had already said had completely exhausted him.

Jake looked up, seeing Levi begin to break down. “Please,
please
don’t, Levi.”

“Damn it.” Using his shoulder, Levi quickly wiped off the tear that had escaped despite his best attempts to keep himself in check. “Damn you, Jake.”

“I’m sorry, Levi Fuck. This is all so confusing.”

“Every single ridiculously romantic ideal that I heaped upon you that first day we met at my mother’s house. That genuineness which you possess in spades and the unequivocal respect you have for each and every person you meet. That’s all true, you know? It’s really rare for that to happen. You are single-handedly, the very best man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, Jake Freeman, and any guy would be so lucky to have you. Unfortunately for me, in spite of every fiber of my being wishing things were otherwise, you already have a someone, Jake.”

Levi could see the guilt on his face as Jake nodded, wiping his forehead with the palm of his hand.

“His name is Victor and I’ve met him. I’ve shaken his hand, Jake, so for you to say these things to me? It’s the first cruel thing I’ve ever witnessed you do.”

Jake looked away, cringing as if Levi’s words had physically pained him.

“Cruel because I can’t have you,” Levi added, wishing he could crawl into a dark hole somewhere and hide out until whatever this was between them no longer hurt. “Cruel because you belong to another man. And if I were to take you into my arms and kiss you right now—which would mean
everything
to me—doing so would ruin the best, most honorable part of who you are.”

“Levi… I…”

“I’m sorry, but you can’t ask me to love you when you aren’t free to return that love. You need to go now, Jake. Please go and don’t come back.”

“I’m sorry, Levi, I wasn’t thinking, I just…” Jake shut his eyes tight, like he might be attempting to keep himself from falling apart.

Levi resisted the instinct to reach out and touch him, easing his anguish in some small way. Instead, he waited for Jake to take a few steps backward into the small landing before slowly sliding the metal barn-style door shut. Standing there fighting for each breath, feeling as if someone had just knocked the wind out of him, Levi was numb, dizzy and unable to walk away from the spot where he now stood. He wondered if the piercing pain in his chest was what his mother had experienced each time she watched yet another man walk out of her life.

That would explain her need to constantly move around, switching apartments all the time when he was little—her way of trying to escape the memories of the love she’d lost. Levi simply wanted to hide, to lock himself away so he wouldn’t break under the weight of his desire to be with Jake Freeman, and chase after the man.

He took another deep breath, bolting the door before resting his forehead against it. The cool metal felt good against his warm skin, which eased the throbbing in his head for a brief moment and he concentrated on that sensation. He heard the elevator ding through the door and his heart sank further with the second ding and the sound of the doors closing on their friendship.

Jake had broken through the imaginary wall with that declaration, making it impossible for them to pretend to be anything other than what they truly were. The man had single-handedly ruined the fantasy their friendship had been flimsily constructed upon.

Left with nothing but silence and the sound of his own breathing, Levi understood that once Monday morning finally arrived he would plaster on the mask and push through the day, but deep down he was aware it would be a very long time before he’d truly be okay. He turned, rolling around until his back was against the door and slowly slid down, crumbling onto the floor. The strength of his own disappointment amazed him, marveling over the longing he now experienced over losing something that had never really been his to begin with.

“One day at a time,” Levi muttered, laying all the way down onto the floor because it was the last place Jake had physically stood before walking out of his life for good. Rolling onto his back, Levi let go and allowed himself the luxury of full-on tears now that no one else was around to bear witness to it.

He shut his eyes, imagining the entire future he was never going to have to begin with, evaporate into nothingness.

No more make-believe.

No more false hope or wishful thinking.

No more Jake.

* * * *

Jake was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk outside the door of Levi’s apartment building. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to go back upstairs and apologize, beg Levi for forgiveness and plead for the opportunity to make things right. He was trying to ignore the annoying voice inside his head, telling him that there was only one thing he could do to make things right and doing that would mean hurting someone else he loved.

“Fuck!”

What the hell had he been thinking?
It certainly hadn’t been something he’d planned for Christ’s sake. It’s like his mouth opened up and everything came spilling out of him with no thought of how it might affect anyone else.

“So fucking selfish, you
stupid
prick.”

He stopped pacing and bent over, placing his hands on his knees while struggling to catch his breath. For a moment Jake feared he might be having some sort of cardiac event, but then realized it was more likely a panic attack. The burning behind his eyes and the tears that soon followed further cemented the self-diagnosis that his current state of unrest was emotional, not physical.

I blame the fucking alcohol.

Standing back up straight he began walking, recalling there was a hotel a few blocks down and finding a cab there would be easier at this late hour. Jake shoved his hands into his coat pockets and he stopped, feeling Levi’s keys brushing against his fingertips. His chest fluttered, thinking it was a sign that he should go back. The darkness that accompanied the self-doubts which were plaguing him quickly dissuaded Jake.

Wiping his eyes, Jake pressed on, continuing to put more space between himself and Levi. He’d return the keys in a couple of days. It would give him an excuse to actually see Levi once the dust had time to settle. That would be better, considering how vulnerable he was at the moment.

People weren’t supposed to make huge life-changing decisions in the heat of the moment anyway, right?

He certainly wasn’t in his right mind—that much was true. Perhaps these feelings for Levi weren’t even as serious as they seemed at four a.m. after too much alcohol? It could merely be a temptation that seemed more attractive now because he and Victor seemed to be fighting so much lately. Being left alone during the holiday was admittedly a sore spot for him. His family had pretty much soiled this time of year with memories of arguments and disappointment and regrets.

Victor knew that and he left anyway.
The fact he’d done so for business reasons stung even more. It was far too reminiscent of his childhood when his parents always seemed more focused on his father’s political career than their own children.

Top that off with his feelings of uselessness at work?

Jake cursed under his breath, shivering from the brisk wind that seemed to cut through him as he continued walking, preoccupied by the drama of his own making.

He was practically drowning in regret—unable to let go of the child he’d been unable to save and crippled with guilt over what he was doing to Levi, not to mention Victor, who had no idea what was going on.

Deep down Jake knew he was merely juggling excuses—things his brain was now using to justify his actions and mask the feelings he was unwilling or unable to deal with at this point. He didn’t want to hurt anyone yet somehow feared he was hurting everyone, including himself.

He felt another tear run down his cheek as the disappointment in himself became too much for Jake to bear. He shouldn’t have been drinking, today of all days. Even now, as he continued to walk away, his thoughts drifted back to Levi, wondering how incredible it would be to lie with him, naked and warm and safe. That familiar wave of desperation swept over him as he approached a taxi outside the hotel, waiting there for foolish men and women like himself, who’d made the mistake of straying too far from the safety and security of their homes, lost in darkness of night, all alone in a city filled with millions of people.

Chapter Twelve

One week later…

Sighing as he glanced down at his phone which began buzzing across his desk, Levi opened the top drawer and swept the phone into it before slamming it shut. It was the seventh call from Jake that day alone.

Everyone in the office shot him an awkward glance before going back to their work and Levi once again cursed his idiotic decision to have a completely open concept for the office space. Thankfully Angelo was out grabbing lunch for everyone, so there was one less pair of judgey eyes on him at the moment, but Levi could see Valerie was straining to keep herself from offering her own opinion—like he didn’t already know what she’d say.

Something about sex, no doubt—that I should fuck Jake, or a Jake look-a-like, or get myself gang-banged by the entire Wilde City Sprockets hockey team.

“Sex, cock, sex,” Levi muttered.
Valerie’s answer to all life’s problems.

Doing his best to ignore the fact he wanted the
sex, cock, sex
with Jake, Levi quickly reminded himself that he also wanted all that on his own terms, which meant not sharing a guy with anyone else.

Doesn’t seem all that unreasonable to me.

An entire week had gone by since the unfortunate ‘declaration’ and with each passing day, Jake’s phone calls had become more and more frequent. Julia’s anniversary party was still two weeks way and if Jake continued on at the rate he had been, Levi was going lose his freaking mind.

What part of leave and don’t come back had been difficult for Jake to understand?

“It doesn’t get much clearer than that,” Levi yelled, staring at the drawer which now held his phone.

He smiled weakly, not having meant to say that aloud. He rolled his eyes at Valerie, who had one eyebrow arched as she stared him down—like she now believed him to be an even bigger freak than she’d previously suspected.

Levi did a double take, seeing Ruby and Keith pushing their way past the locksmith who was currently resetting the locks to the business because Levi had irresponsibly lost his keys at some point during the whole Thanksgiving-drunk-fest debacle. His own recollections of certain events that evening were admittedly a bit fuzzy. Still, he and Jake had made it into the apartment that night but he’d been unable to find them the next morning and he’d been using his spare set ever since.