Love M.D. (15 page)
Zachy,
For 34 years, three months and
seventeen days, we were in each other’s lives. I want to share with youteneleven things I love and that I will miss about you the most.
·
I love the way you
thought that a mere four hours was enough to classify you as my
older/wiser
brother.
·
I love that when you
were old enough to write, you made me a card for every single birthday.
·
I love you even more
for saving them and giving them to me on our first birthday when we reunited.
·
I love you for putting
me first, even when we were in college and you could have otherwise been going
to wild frat parties.
·
I’ll miss the
sandwiches you made me for breakfast every day—especially your BLT specialty.
·
I’ll miss watching
the 49ers with you every Sunday during football season. As much as I hated you
screaming at the TV, I love how passionate you were about the sport.
·
I love that you came
over every Sunday morning and made breakfast with me, no matter how late you
were out partying the night before.
·
I love you for
giving up your life in Florida within eleven days so you could come start a new
life with me in San Francisco.
·
I love that you
always kissed me goodbye on my forehead.
·
I will miss never
being present at your wedding, never being an aunt to your children, and never watching
your kids grow up.
·
I love that out of
all the people in the world, it was you who God decided would be my twin
brother.”
Morgan pauses. His grip stiffens
around me, and after a deep, shaky breath, he continues.
“Now, you’re gone I want you to
know no matter how much I hated it when you were here, I will miss you
not
barging into my office. I will, in your honor, always support the 49ers. Every
day, from this day forth, every day that I play the piano, you will be in my
thoughts and in my heart. I love you much…”
As Morgan reads my final goodbye, I
realize I didn’t hear the usual “I love you more…” response.
Zach is gone.
Zoë pulls away
from my hold. We’ve come to the end of
the ceremony. Glancing at the program, I realize it’s time for the recessional
song. I know Megan picked it—
Angel by Sarah McLachlan
. Zoë looks at me
with a soft smile and walks to the piano in the corner of the room. It’s only
then as she sits on the bench, facing the mourners that I realize she’s going
to play the piano.
Looking on, I’m nervous. This has
been so difficult for her. Her shoulders lift in a deep breath. She places her
hands across the keys and says, “This is for you, Zachy. From Megan and me.”
A single tear streams down her face
and after closing her eyes the first note comes then the second and the third.
With every note of the beautiful melody, her body, mind and soul becomes more
and more immersed in the song. She sways with each lick she plays.
I suspected she was good, but the
skill with which she strikes every key takes me by surprise. I read the words
on the program I hold. As she plays the chorus, her intensity increases. I hear
a sudden gasp then the sorrow that leaves Megan’s lips. She falls apart in
Jonathan’s arms. I look back at Zoë’s eyes. Even with them closed, a wash of
tears comes through.
Goose pimples cover me. For a
moment, she stops and plays the same note once, twice then a third time. Her
body trembles. All sorts of emotions converge within my chest. I have to
comfort her. I head over and stand behind her, placing my hand on her shoulders
just to be present, to let her know that I am here to support… that we’re all
here to support.
She plays the note again and this
time she continues through the last few lines of the song. I sit next to her
and I enclose my arms around her as she weeps. When Zoë’s finished, I follow as
she walks over to Megan and they embrace each other in tears. Eventually they
pull away and just as his friends are about to wheel Zach away, Zoë whispers,
“I need to see him.”
“Are you sure?”
Quivering, she nods to Zach’s
friend, Jason. He opens the top half of the casket. Zach lays there, cold,
lifeless, still. Shivers and violent tremors engulf her body as she looks on
and weeps. A few of her tears fall on his cheek, and it appears as if he’s
crying, too. She places a small, oval shaped picture frame from her purse on
his chest. It’s a photo of her and Zach with their parents when they were kids.
“I love you Zachy,” she murmurs
then suddenly she turns to me and sobs in my arms. A torrent of raw emotions
goes through my body. I want to take her pain away, but I can’t. I want her to
be happy again, but I know that only comes in time. Enfolding her in my arms, I
give her the only thing I can give—my presence, love and support. It might be
hard to watch her go through this, but I know the rest will come in time.
At the burial ground, as she watches
her brother’s casket descend into the ground, she completely breaks down. That
night is unlike any other. She cries for hours, eventually falling asleep in my
arms.
Today, in so many ways reminds me
of Mom. Sudden deaths are never easy to deal with. With an illness, the
grieving is over time, you sort of have time to prepare for the inevitable. But
the shock felt after losing a loved one suddenly tends to reverberate over a
long period of time. Some of us never really get over deaths like this and
unfortunately, it’s not looking like it’s any easier for Zoë than it was for
me. I watch as she sleeps, and the sadness and pain from that day returns…
For the next
few days, Morgan stays with me when he’s
not at the hospital. He cancels all his appointments at his practice. I
appreciate him. He’s been there in a way no one has ever been before. His
compassion and kindness over this time has been remarkable, and I need to show
him soon just how much it means to me—how much
he
means to me.
I have my moments, but I don’t know
if I will ever get over the shock of Zach’s death.
Monday morning, I try to get my
life back to some semblance of normalcy—a new normal. I get dressed, pick
myself up, and head into the office.
First reminder that he’s gone: no sandwich
on my desk. Tears immediately come, but I swiftly wipe them away and check my
email.
I call a staff meeting with the five
of us who work at the office—my assistant Leo, the receptionist Lisa, the
accountant and office manager Sheila and Zach’s assistant, Trevor. Trevor has
his Master’s in architecture from Cornell University, but he lacks experience.
In the coming months, I’ll have to
see if he’s up to the task of filling my brother’s shoes. I may need to make a
decision between dropping the construction and architecture side of my business
and collaborating with a new architect. All in time, for now I need to reassure
my staff and get Trevor to fill Zach’s shoes the best he can. I hope that he
learned well under Zach’s leadership.
An hour later, Lisa calls me to let
me know that Jada and Jonathan are here to see me.
“It’s okay for you to take some
time off, Zoë,” Jada says. “I took months off when I thought Johnny was gone.”
Hugging Jada, Jonathan kisses her
on the cheek and it makes me smile. He used to be the D.A. in San Francisco.
After the mob kidnapped Jada in a revenge plot and later tried to kill him
during a sting operation, he was taken into the witness protection program and
everyone thought he was dead. Jada was devastated, hence the much needed break.
“I think I’ll sink into depression
if I stay home. The last hour has been difficult, but maybe if I keep busy with
work, my mind will be preoccupied with something else.”
Jonathan hands me an envelope, “Those
are all the burial documents. Everything associated with his death.”
“I don’t think I’m ready to look at
those yet.”
“You don’t have to. We handled
everything,” he says, handing me another envelope. “This one is his will. He
left you everything.”
A tear slips down my cheek.
“We’ve already filed all the
paperwork to have things changed to your name.”
“Including the new house?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“No. That house is Megan’s. He
bought it for her. Put it in her name.”
“Zoë, are you sure about this?”
Jada questions.
“You’re not obligated to do this,”
Jonathan says. “His will clearly states that you are to get one hundred percent
of his estate.”
“I’m sure. And as I’m sure you’re
aware, Zach probably did that will before he met Megan. He was about to marry
her. You know if he had lived, that will would have changed. He bought it for
her. She loves that house. He was going to make it their dream home. She can do
whatever she wants with it. But, if she’s ever going to sell it, all I ask is
that she gives me the opportunity to purchase it from her first. And if she
likes the plans he drew up for the renovation, I can see those to completion,
and he’ll pay for it too.”
“And you’re certain that’s what you
want?” Jonathan asks. “Zoë, that’s a million dollar house.”
“I’m sure. I’m grieving. I’m not
delusional. There’s a difference.”
Jonathan chuckles at my comment.
“Zoë, I really don’t know what to say. That’s a very kind gesture. Thank you
for doing this for my sister.”
“It’s what Zach would have wanted.
I know that for a fact,” I reply. “Anyway, how is she?”
“Not good. Heartbroken, depressed,”
Jada says. “We’re thinking of going on a trip somewhere with the family. I know
a change of scenery won’t fix anything, but sometimes it helps to get away from
it all. When we sort out the details, it would be great if you and Morgan could
come, too.”
“Sure. Let me know when and where.”
Later that afternoon,
I arrange to meet with a couple
at their house to go over their project. They, too, think I’ve returned to work
too soon. After telling them that grieving doesn’t stop me from knowing the
difference between periwinkle and purple, they laugh it off and let me get to
work.
Soon after I leave, Morgan calls.
“Hey.”
“I got out of surgery a little
while ago, and I’m heading home. Why don’t you come over.”
“If my animals could talk, they’d
say I’ve been neglecting them.”
“Bring them, too. I picked up some
food for them the last time I went to the store. I’m sure they’re dying to see the
masterpiece at my house that you’ve created.”
His words make me smile. He’s so
thoughtful. “I’m sure they’ll love that. They won’t feel left out anymore.”
“Great. I’ll get us some dinner,
too. What do you want?”
“Anything you choose will be fine.”
After dinner, we
cuddle on a chaise by the pool with
Peaches and Pixie at our feet. The blazing fire pit nearby casts a warm glow
over us.
“Can I ask you a personal
question?”
“Sure,” he responds, raking his
fingers through the locks of my hair.
“You never talk about your mom. What
happened to her?”
His muscles tighten around me. “She
was killed in a car accident two years ago.”
“I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me
before?”
“It’s a topic I generally avoid.”
“I know loss is painful, but
talking to your dad, I sense there’s something more.”