Love Made Me Do It (13 page)

By the time we got to his house. I figured all was well. His body language was a little different and he hugged and kissed me.  Okay, that’s much better. Twenty’s started pouring out of his pocket as he took his pants off.  That solidified that our weekend would go very well.  Money kept us happy, horny and high.  Lack of money made us volatile, vindictive and vicious. 

I hated leaving him on Sunday’s that was the worst.  Staring out the window, I would imagine that we were going on a surprise date instead of back to my grandma’s house.  That never happened though. 

I was still unemployed, and my Grandma definitely had something to say about how much I was running the streets.  Instead of looking for a job, when she laid into me I just said okay. 

I took my ass to sleep, woke up early and started looking for a job.  Instantly I was hired to do sales.  That job and the people gave me the creeps they had too much energy at 7:30 in the morning.  It was far away and they wanted me to wear tights and heels.  No thank you.  After my first check I was out of there. 

Instead of trying to explain to my grandma what my problem was. I went to live with my cousin in Stockton, just a few exits away from my lover.  When she said I could stay there, I was taken aback.  Our relationship growing up was more hate…than love.  She had two bedrooms and was barely ever home. As sick as I was at that time, I should have stayed where I was at. I was severely addicted to drugs.

No one, who ever met my lover liked him.  Thankfully there weren’t many rules living with my younger cousin.  Just the basic house rules, the number one rule was; no company especially him.  Smoke and leave was the plan. Come over really quick, let’s blow.  Those were the instructions I had given my lover over the payphone.

He came over all dressed for the day and here I was sitting in the house. With no phone and not dressed for anything but bed.  Oh well, light it up.  Once I get high nothing will matter.  “Where did you get this?”…. “That’s that ooooooh wee” I held the smoke in, ‘till my eyes rolled into the back of my head.

Next thing I know I was naked and he was naked.  He put a chair under the bedroom door knob as a lock.  I rode him, he held me.  In the midst of a position switch, I heard something or someone.  I jumped up.  My cousin was rattling the door knob trying to come in. 

My lover was getting dressed.  When the door opened he was dressed. I was naked and the whole room smelled like coke.  Rightfully so, my cousin went off and told me to get out.  So I ran after him putting a piece of clothing with each step.  Trailing right behind him to his truck.  He closed his door and said “I ain’t in this blood, you need to handle that.”  He sped off and I sat on the curb.  Defenseless… In a situation that I created. 

CHAPTER 20

NOW WHAT?

I sat for some time on that curb.  Crying and trying to enjoy my high before it was all the way gone.  Too late… All that commotion knocked the drugs out of my system.  I walked to the corner picked up the phone and dialed my lovers home number. Knowing, that his mama would answer, she made him come back to get me and all my stuff. 

That wasn’t my ideal way to be with him for the weekend.  But I rather that, than be homeless.  It was obvious that he was dressed to be in the company of some bitch.  He was pissed that he had to come back and get me.  But he did and that was my only concern.  He dropped me off at his mama’s house and took off.  He came back 15 minutes later, gave me hella crack, a pack of blunts, and a bag of weed.  His mama was going to gamble out of town and he would be back.

I went down stairs said thank you and good luck to his mama.  What a day.  I’m basically homeless, broke and on drugs.  I loved the sound that a laced blunt made when you first lit it.  I ran a hot bath with plenty bubbles.  Turned the TV towards the bath tub, got my lighter, two blunts and a towel.

I stripped down and sank into a temporary happy space.  I allowed myself to sink down into the water just far enough to where a tiny bit of water seeped into my ears.  With my feet on the faucet I blew clouds of smoke and contemplated my life.  I could kill myself and be less of a burden to everyone around me. I really didn’t know what to do.  Or how to do it.  But I knew for certain that I would not be staying here with him and his mama.

I just was caught smoking dope at my cousin’s house after she welcomed me into her home.  That was wrong. I have yet to live that one all the way down.  Over the course of this journey I have learned to be accountable for every part of me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I left guilt and shame behind me years ago. 

Wrinkled from head to toe, it was time to get out. I felt good in that moment alone with my own thoughts.  Contemplating the next move for me.  Drugs are not t compatible with, making calculated decisions.  I just wanted to be with him. 

The drugs were talking to me and I was listening only because I was dumb.  I snapped out of my fog when I heard his truck. Partially naked and under the influence is how he found me.  I must have been lying on the bed for hours after I got out the tub.  The bed was damp, but I was dry and ashy. 

Internally he was fighting the urge to yell at me about making the bed wet and fucking up his weekend. Thankfully he spared me the bullshit argument. Instead he started tracing his fingers on different parts of my body. Every touch felt like a cold, wet paint brush that was searching for the perfect canvas to start a masterpiece. 

I closed my eyes, and closed off all the negative energy of the day’s events.  My lover began kissing my skin, which led to tasting my skin.  Life sucked. I was homeless but his touch was the cure all.  Making love was our only healthy connection. 

I was dehydrated, hungry and ready to go to bed.  We ate salami and crackers, and watched a movie until we fell asleep.  In the morning I would deal with my problems.  The morning came fast.  I needed him to take me back to San Jose.  Maybe I could go back to my Grandmas house.  We dressed and headed to San Jose.  Obviously he had things to do, people to see and places to go that did not require my presence.

I put on yesterday’s stale outfit with a new lease on life.  “Where we going?”, “Just drop me off at my Grandma’s house, please” “Alright”.  No other words were said. No blunt had been mentioned or seen. 

I folded my arms across my chest, and nestled into the r the passenger seat attempting to vibe with the music.  We pulled up to my Grandma’s house. I saw my uncle and my childhood friend in the driveway. Fuck.  I do not want to see anyone right now.  I leaned over and kissed him when he stopped the car. He said “Call me and let me know what is going on” I smiled and hopped out. 

Wasting no time I marched in the house, and sat at the dining room table with my Grandma.  Rumors and half-truths had already surfaced about the incident at my cousin’s house.  Just as I knew it would.  Grandma was easy on me.  Although no one directly asked me if I was using drugs it was heavily implied. 

I needed to be serious about getting it together.  So I got a job at a psychiatric facility.  I went to that job every day and put forth my best effort.  I had done too much, and getting my priorities straight was no longer an option it was a necessity. My family was beyond disappointed in me. I just wanted to get things back to normal.  Even if, that meant not talking to him for a period of time

My snake figure began looking more like its original form…..curvy. He was doing well from what I could gather from our brief phone calls.  We made love when and wherever permitted.  Not seeing each other as often was good for us.  I was lost and so was he.  I was still dealing with the situation with my cousin.  No matter how many times I would try to pull her to the side so we could talk….she started talking loud and calling me names.  So I let it go.  I knew what happened, but she had exaggerated the story in such a way, that nothing I said mattered.

So I proceeded in showing everyone that I could be better.  I avoided his calls, so that I could focus.  I was making good money and started saving for another car.  I was getting up early and getting on the bus and going to work at the ass crack of dawn.  I was on a mission to prove people wrong.  I had been relying on the drugs and him for far too long.  You can only cheat your body and brain for so long before it shuts down.

It had been about a month or so since I saw my lover.  I actually had direct instructions from my family not to see him.  Or I had to get out.  So I adhered to those rules.  I had too.  But then I started to sneak and see him again.  I started missing work or showing up late.  I would tell my family that I was going out of town to Reno or LA.  But I would really be with him.  His family didn’t care, but my family did. 

I would catch the train to spend the weekend with him.  That way no one saw him picking me up.  Plus it was easy on his gas tank and our pockets.  There was no tension in the air, because we both had positive things going on in our life.  Tonight felt like the old days.  My soul was recharged, my spirit renewed.  Before any drugs were brought out we hugged.  Resting my head on his shoulder, we hugged. 

That was another moment that I wanted to bottle up for those long dreary days that came along.  Talking, oh my God I can’t believe how much we talked that night.  Our new jobs, what we’ve been doing, did we miss each other and everything in between.  This was my friend, my lover, a man I once knew and the man I wanted to always know.  Happiness was an expression I missed seeing on his face. Shit, I missed being happy too. 

Experiencing happiness at the same time was the best part about the whole weekend.  No drugs were mentioned but when the conversation was almost dead.  He reached under his bed and pulled out our extra dose of happy.  Drugs.  Crack to be exact, now there was no weed to mix it with.  Now we just would save some of the tobacco filling and mix it in with the cocaine.  Lift off. 

I loved to be with him. I loved to be high with him. Money was flowing from legitimate sources so we didn’t have to go out and rob stores. We talked about living together again now that we were getting back on our feet.  I knew my family wouldn’t approve, especially because what the drugs and him had already done to me and my life.  I had a decision to make.

For the time being life was pretty content.  I was doing very well at my job.  Then I was laid off.  Fuck!  But this time I was prepared.  I had a few thousand saved up.  The cat was out the bag about my lover and I being back in contact.  I just told my family to deal with it.  I loved him and that would always be. 

With no job I had ample amount of time and money to spend with him.  I would spend days on end at his house.  Using drugs, and catering to his every need.  We were a very harmonious space….until everything changed.  If I kept my mouth closed about his suspicious behavior we would have gotten along much better, for longer periods of time.  But I noticed everything.  This was something that he couldn’t stand.  But I didn’t give a fuck.  Stop disrespecting me and there would never be a problem.

I needed to take my life more seriously.  It was a must that I started making better decisions for myself or else I was going to die.  We would see each other here and there.  Until, I started acting funny with him.  I didn’t really want to be bothered anymore.  I liked having money in my pocket that wasn’t being spent 100% on drugs.  I was scared of myself and I was even more scared of myself when I was with him. 

It was like there was no limit to the things I was willing to say yes too.  No person should have that type of effect on another person.

CHAPTER 21

MOVING ON

Talking to my grandma and listening to her struggles growing up.  I began weaning myself away from him and the drugs.  That shit was so hard. Some night I felt like I was going to rip someone’s head clean off their shoulders.  Some nights I gave in and every time I did, I would be so sick from the drugs.  I would start throwing up and sweating. 

One time my baby sister had to call 911 because I couldn’t stop vomiting.  They threw me on the ambulance and asked me what I had that day and did I take anything.  To ashamed I never said one word.  I just complained that I was in pain.  Too many irresponsible nights that led into an irresponsible week.  Fuck that, I had to put those days and him in my rear view and I did.  Living at home started getting much better, because I was turning back into myself.  The
Meka
that everybody loved.  That felt good.

I was in the neighborhood where I grew up.  So I still had a lot of my same friends that were just around the corner.  I spent my evening unwinding in my hood with my childhood friends.  Everyone was so happy to see me. I felt like I was a celebrity.  Most night’s I would lie in my bed and think about why I allowed drugs get to me like that.  Drugs were the devil and they were still calling me.