Love Is... (31 page)

His eyes were bloodshot and teary. I ushered him in.

‘Drink?' I said, gesturing to the minibar.

He shook his head and sat down on the sofa.

I sat down beside him and he turned to me, fingers laced together.

‘Why?' he asked. ‘I need to know why?'

I glanced down at the carpet.

‘Why did you do it?' he asked again, leaning forward.

I looked up at him. ‘It was nothing,' I said, though the words came out as more of a squeak.

He stared at me and then sighed. ‘Oh, come on, Ellie. I saw you with your tongue down his throat.'

‘It was just one kiss.'

Nick took a long deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. ‘Do you know how hard it is for me to hear this?'

‘I'm sorry,' I said. ‘It was really only one kiss. I didn't mean for it to happen.'

He laughed and shook his head. ‘Ellie, I know you. As much as I don't want to believe it, I know there's more to it.'

I glanced out the window and watched the white lights flashing on the wings of a plane in the distance. ‘I don't know,' I said.

‘You don't know what?'

I looked out again but now the plane was gone. ‘I don't know how I feel.'

Nick took a sharp breath. ‘Do you love him?'

‘No,' I answered quickly.

‘He loves you. I can tell.'

I looked into his eyes. They looked like Rupert's: desperate, pleading, loyal. ‘I love you,' I said. ‘I'm just a little bit lost at the moment.'

Nick forced a laugh. ‘It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.'

I pulled my robe tighter around me and Nick glanced down.

I found myself wondering if he was comparing my body to Jenna's.

I forced a smile. ‘Why did you come?'

He rolled his eyes. ‘Sorry,' he said. ‘I didn't mean to cramp your style.'

I sighed. ‘I'd hardly heard from you in days. You never responded to the voicemails I left about scheduling a weekend for me to come back. And then you show up without any warning. In Tokyo.'

Nick sighed. ‘You'd hardly heard from me? You never answered my calls either. And when we do talk, you always seem so grumpy with me.'

‘Yes, perhaps because I suggested you take some leave and join me in Africa, and you said no.'

‘It clashes with a conference Jenna and I have to attend.'

I sneered at him. ‘But you found time to come now?'

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Because Victoria said I should come.'

I frowned.

He nodded. ‘And Matthew too.'

I sat back, still frowning.

‘They both warned me about him. They've been saying it for weeks.'

I screwed up my face. ‘So why did you leave it until now to care?'

‘I have a job, Ellie. A grown-up job, with proper working hours.'

I glared at him.

He continued. ‘And I trusted you. I was certain you'd never do that to me.'

My stomach tightened. ‘So when did you stop trusting me?'

He looked down at the floor and then back at me. ‘When I stopped trusting myself.'

I stood up straight away. ‘What do you mean?' I said, staring at him, my eyes wide. ‘I was right about you and Jenna?'

He stared at the carpet. ‘Nothing really happened.'

I raised my eyebrows. ‘Nothing really?'

He looked up and into my eyes. ‘I was lonely, Ellie, and I missed you.'

I paced around the room. ‘Well, you're a fucking hypocrite then, aren't you?'

He held up his hands. ‘Come on. You have no right to be angry.'

‘I have every bloody right to be angry! While I've been working my arse off, trying to find a cure for divorce and save our marriage, you've been doing God-knows-what with that tarty-tits home-wrecker.'

‘She's not a home-wrecker.'

‘Oh, I am sorry,' I said, folding my arms. ‘Didn't mean to insult your beloved. As well as having a super bloody brain and thirty-six inch legs, I know she also runs marathons and does charity work for Syrian orphans.'

Nick sighed. ‘You're not being very mature about this.'

I laughed. ‘You're the one who punched Dominic in the face.'

Nick scowled. ‘Oh, you're on his side now, are you? Don't mess up Dominic's pretty face or smudge his make-up.'

‘He doesn't wear make-up.'

‘Oh, he's just naturally tanned like that then, is he?'

‘He has Mediterranean genes.'

Nick clapped his hands. ‘Of course,' he said. ‘I bet he's got a huge cock too?'

I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again.

Nick raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, he has then, hasn't he?'

I glared at him.

His eyes narrowed. ‘I'm amazed you can tell that from just one kiss.'

I shook my head. ‘And you seriously expect me to believe “nothing really happened” with Jenna?' I marched towards the hotel door. ‘Go,' I said, opening it and glaring at him. ‘Just go.'

Nick looked at me for a moment and then swallowed. ‘I'm gone,' he said, before storming off down the corridor.
My phone buzzed. Nick stopped and turned back, scowling at me, then he glanced down at my gown, which had fallen open.

‘Big cock booty call?' he asked, nodding at my phone.

I wrapped the gown around me again.

Nick lowered his head and then kicked the wall. A chunk of plaster fell to the floor. He glanced back up at me. ‘Make sure he knows I bought that negligee for you,' he said, ‘for our anniversary.' Then he turned and walked away.

After he'd gone, I closed the door and slid down onto the floor, holding my head in my hands. Only a month ago, Nick and I were settled in London and planning a family. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I wondered if he'd ever really been settled with me. Or if I had been truly settled with him. I wasn't sure what the term ‘settled' even meant any more. Did it mean content? Or did it mean unchanging? I picked up my phone. Along with five more texts from Dominic, there was a text from Victoria.

I deleted it, then threw my phone to the floor. I glanced at the minibar, and wondered why Matthew couldn't coordinate his impromptu appearances with the times I needed a friend the most. I grabbed my phone from the floor and a bottle of Prosecco from the minibar. Matthew's mental state might have been precarious of late but I was in dire need of advice so I called him.

‘You awake?' I asked, pulling out the cork with my teeth.

Matthew sighed. ‘No, I'm answering my phone in my sleep.'

‘What time is it there?'

‘It's 6 p.m. I'm also cooking dinner in my sleep.'

‘It's 3 a.m. in Tokyo.'

He sighed again. ‘Ellie, is there a point to this call?'

I took a swig from the bottle. ‘I hope so,' I said.

‘Are you drunk?'

I took another gulp. The fizz tingled on my tongue. ‘No, but I plan to be very soon.'

‘Oh dear,' he said. ‘What's up?'

‘You want the short version?'

‘Please. My stir-fry is wilting.'

I took another long swig, then a deep breath. ‘Well, to summarise,' I began, ‘Victoria told me Nick had been sleeping with Jenna so I kissed Dominic. Nick saw. But he said nothing
really
happened with Jenna, whatever that is supposed to mean. Anyway, now he thinks we're even, but I don't. Then we just had a talk and it ended badly, he's left and Dominic keeps texting me and I don't know what to do.'

‘Oh,' said Matthew.

‘Oh? Don't you have anything better than that?'

He paused for a moment. ‘I knew this would happen.'

‘That's not very helpful.'

‘What do you want me to say?'

I tipped more champagne down my throat. ‘I think my marriage is over.'

Matthew took a breath. ‘Let's not be hasty.'

I grabbed another bottle. This time Merlot. ‘I'm not being hasty. I think it's what Nick wants.'

‘Has he said that?'

I unscrewed the cap. ‘Not exactly.'

‘Sounds like you want him to say it.'

I took a glug. ‘What?' I asked, nearly spitting it out.

‘Sounds like you want Nick to say it's over so you can be with Dominic.'

‘Are you serious?'

‘Yes I am, Ellie.' He paused for a moment. ‘You have a long history of trying to create perfection. You and Nick are not perfect. Nor is your marriage. You won't find perfection with Dominic either.'

I swirled the wine around in my mouth and then swallowed.

‘I know that,' I said.

Matthew sighed. ‘I don't think you do, Ellie.'

After Matthew had ended the call complaining that his prawns had turned rubbery, I took another swig of wine, then dropped back onto the sofa. I wondered what advice I would offer a client in my predicament. I took another gulp. There was no doubt what I would say. I would remind her that it took her years to find Nick and that marriage is a precious entity that must be nurtured and respected. I would then tell her to grow the fuck up, stop drinking like a Geordie, stand by her vows, and go save her marriage.

I heard a knock at the door. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, but my vision blurred and I began to feel queasy. I pulled myself up off the sofa and rubbed my forehead.

I opened the door. It was Dominic.

‘Room service,' he said brushing past me. He looked around and then peered into the open minibar. ‘Looks like you need a restock,' he said, pulling a bottle of champagne from a paper bag.

I pulled my gown tight around me. ‘Now is not really a time to celebrate, is it?' I said.

Dominic raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, I don't know,' he said,
glancing at the empty bottles. ‘You seem to be having your own little party for one in here.'

I collapsed down onto the sofa and hung my head.

He sat down next to me and reached for the two glasses on top of the minibar. ‘No matter how shitty you're feeling, there is never an excuse for drinking from the bottle. You're better than that,' he said, handing me a glass.

He twisted off the cork and then poured.

‘So,' he said, eventually.

I sat up and took a big sip. ‘So?'

He looked down at the floor, then back at me. ‘So,' he said, ‘it turns out I love you.'

I scanned his expression, searching for any signs of insincerity but all I could see were his eyes, all wide and vulnerable. ‘No, you don't,' I said.

He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Yes, I'm afraid I do.'

I dropped back down. ‘Oh,' I said.

He turned to me, brow furrowed. ‘That's not quite the response I was hoping for.'

I went to speak but nothing came out. I noticed a vein in his temple had started to pulse.

‘Is there a chance you could feel the same?' he asked, eventually.

I closed my eyes and sighed.

‘Ellie?'

I opened them again. ‘Yes, Dominic, there is every chance I could feel the same way.'

A smile quickly spread across his face, then he leaned over and slipped his arms around my waist.

I pulled back. ‘But I can't be with you,' I said. ‘I'm married and I love Nick.'

He fell back against the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. ‘Fuck,' he said. ‘Fuck fuck, fuck.'

I leaned back and looked up at the ceiling too.

After a few minutes' silence, he turned to me. ‘Will you at least acknowledge that he doesn't deserve you?'

I turned to him. ‘Maybe I don't deserve him either? Maybe we don't deserve each other?' I grabbed my glass and took another sip. ‘We've only been apart for a few weeks and already he's lusting after his colleague and I'm…'

Dominic leaned in closer. ‘And you're what?'

‘I'm here with you.'

His smile widened. ‘Lusting after me? Come on. Just say it.' He started jokingly unbuttoning his shirt. ‘You know you want some of this.'

I laughed. My head felt woozy. Even though I was struggling to focus, I couldn't drag my gaze from his chest. Before I could talk myself out of it, I'd reached for my glass and downed the contents. Matthew was right. I wanted an excuse. I needed to not be responsible for my actions. I leaned in towards Dominic. He grabbed me and lifted me astride his lap.

His gaze moved from my chest to my face. ‘In the booth, at the end, you thought of me, didn't you?' he asked.

I nodded and then hung my head.

‘I knew it,' he said, laughing. Then he paused. ‘I never went through with it though.'

I looked up. ‘What?'

‘The booth. I couldn't do it.' He brushed the hair from my face and looked into my eyes. ‘I wanted my first time with you to mean something.'

He stared at me for a moment, then pushed the robe from my shoulders. I closed my eyes as his hands slid up from
my waist. Just as he leaned in to kiss my neck, I suddenly flinched. He pulled back and studied my face.

‘You do want this, don't you?' he asked.

I looked at him and then at the champagne bottle. I was tempted to down the remainder, to silence the voices in my mind. I was tired of being the sensible one, trying to control everything and preserve the world's feelings. For now I just wanted to be.

I pressed my finger to his lips.

He shook his head. ‘I have to know,' he said. ‘This has to be more than a drunken fling.'

I stared back at him. ‘And what if it can't be any more than that?'

He let out a sharp sigh. ‘You're not going to give me the “if only we'd met in another lifetime” bullshit, are you?'

I shook my head.

He dropped his gaze and then sighed. When he looked up, the vulnerability in his eyes had vanished. He kissed my forehead and jumped to his feet.

He said nothing as he buttoned up his shirt, but when he caught me staring at the bulge in his trousers, he smirked.