Love Inspired December 2014 - Box Set 1 of 2: A Rancher for Christmas\Her Montana Christmas\An Amish Christmas Journey\Yuletide Baby (67 page)

“Why?”

“Who knows? Maybe it's because attending church was absolutely the most awful experience for me when I was with Adrian. It was horrible mixing with good and honest people when my whole life was a lie. Pretending I had the perfect marriage and a charmed life, never letting on that Deacon Adrian was anyone other than the upstanding man he presented himself to be in the public light.”

She shivered and crossed her arms. Shawn closed the distance between them in a second, offering her the shelter of his arms and, crazy as it might sound, desperately wishing he could protect her from the pain of her past. Wishing he could change it for her. She was defenseless against the onslaught of her memories and he couldn't step between her and her dragons. He didn't even have a sword for this fight.

She stiffened in his embrace and then relaxed into him with a sigh, clutching his shirt and resting her head on his shoulders. That alone was enough to remind him that Heather wasn't entirely at the mercy of her past experiences. She fought against them every day, but each time she took a step in the right direction she conquered more of her fears.

Whereas
he
tended to simply stuff his anxieties into the back of his mind and slam a mental door on them. He counseled people to acknowledge and work through their issues, all the while ignoring his own.

Talk about a hypocrite. She was braver than he would ever be.

“I think everyone tends to present his or her best self at church. It's natural for us to want people to like us. But let's face it—we all have issues we'd rather other folks not know about. Every one of us. What you see is never quite what you get. There aren't any truly perfect people, which is why it's such a good thing that God's mercies are new every morning.”

She sniffled. “I think you come pretty close. At the very least, you're a good man if I've ever known one.”

He scoffed inwardly but held his tongue. If only she knew just how wrong she was. She wouldn't be so quick to be praising him, that was for sure.

“I didn't mean to interrupt your prayer time,” she said, slipping out of his arms to check on Noelle, who stirred briefly and returned to her slumber. “She's so sweet in her sleep.”

“She's sweet all the time,” he agreed. “And don't worry about interrupting me. I don't think I was ready to hear any answers yet. My problems are still rumbling around in my head too much. Bumping off all the rocks, you know?”

They both laughed. He was glad he could lighten the mood a little. Heather didn't look quite so uncomfortable being in the chapel now—not as she'd been when she'd first walked in. Which reminded him—she must have come here for a reason, and he had yet to find out what it was.

“I don't think you ever answered my question,” he prompted. “Why'd you stop by? Is there something I can help you with?”

“Not this time,” she said, sitting on the front pew, where she could easily lean over the baby. The pacifier had popped out of Noelle's mouth in her sleep and Heather gently replaced it. “I don't know how to approach what I'm about to say, so I think it's better if I just come straight out with it.”

He tensed at both her words and the tone of her voice. This didn't sound good. “I value straightforwardness and honesty. Have at it.”

“I want to thank you for all you've done for us today. You made a frightening situation far less so, and you are now Missy's new favorite person. You're a regular hero in her book, and in mine, too.”

He scoffed and shook his head.

“Now, see, this is what I'm talking about. I know something's bothering you. Don't try to deny it. You were a total superhero with Missy, but the rest of the day? Not so much. You've been pulling back. Acting distant. Frowning when you usually smile.”

“That bad, huh?” He grimaced. “I didn't think I was being so obvious.”

“You cut out of Cup O' Jo's like your tail was on fire. Everybody noticed it.”

Ugh. He'd hoped he'd behaved with a little more finesse than that. He slumped onto the pew next to her, pressed his face into his palms and groaned. “I got some news today.”

“Bad news? I'm so sorry. If you don't want to talk about it...” Her touch was incredibly light and tender against his shoulder, but it brought him instantly alert. Even in the midst of his turmoil, or maybe
especially
in the middle of it, he was hyperaware of her proximity to him. The warmth of her breath and the soft floral scent that wafted around her. Roses.

“Not bad news, exactly, and I think you need to know about it,” he replied, reaching for her hand as it drifted down his arm. He turned her palm over and brushed his lips against the spot on her wrist where her pulse beat, then threaded their fingers together. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “Some of it is bad news. Some of it's good, I guess. Maybe. It could be. Or maybe not.”

“You're rambling. And so far you haven't said anything.”

Great. His confusion made manifest to the one woman in the world he'd most like to impress. There was danger in being this close to someone. He wanted to share his innermost thoughts and emotions, but those very same feelings made him vulnerable.

“Right. Um—” He hesitated, then plunged forward. “I got a call from Maggie Dockerty at social services. Noelle's mother has been identified.”

Heather's gasp was audible. She clenched his fingers so tightly she was cutting off his circulation, but he didn't attempt to remove himself from her grasp. “That's good news, right? Or is it? What happened to her? Is she okay? Does she want to reclaim Noelle?”

He barely knew where to begin answering the questions she'd peppered him with. “Her name is Kristen Foxworthy. She was in an accident. Hit-and-run on a highway where she wasn't supposed to be walking.”

“That's awful. How serious is it?”

“Unfortunately, it's very serious. She's currently in a medically induced coma, and the doctors don't give her a lot of hope. They're monitoring her brain function, which at the moment is nil. They're planning to remove the respirator. From there, I guess it's up to God what happens. It's very sad, though.”

“And how do they know she's Noelle's mom?”

“Apparently she was lucid for a little while right after she was hit. She gave the emergency technicians enough information to help social services identify who was who in this case.”

“So Noelle has a family, then? Someone who might want to take her?”

“Not that they can find. They think that's why Kristen was wandering the streets, poor girl. She must have been devastated—and desperate—to leave Noelle the way she did. I've been praying for her nonstop. I guess that's all we can really do.”

“Yes. We should pray,” Heather agreed, her voice breaking. “That's probably most important. Are you going to go see her?”

Shawn's gaze shot to hers. She looked back at him with a clear and determined focus he'd not seen before.

With faith.

“Yes. I'm planning on it.”

“I thought you might. Where does that leave Noelle?”

“Right now? Nothing's changed. But when they take Kristen off the ventilator...well, she's not expected to make it.”

“Then Noelle becomes a ward of the state.”

“Yes.”

“And then you can officially adopt her.” Heather's voice built in volume along with her excitement. “You'll be able to give her a permanent home. Watch her grow up.”

“That's just it. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that. The whole adoption thing—I've been thinking about it since the day Noelle entered my life, and I don't believe I'm cut out for it. I mean, I've wondered, you know, if I could be a father.”

“What do you mean
if
you could be a father? Of course you could. You
are
. You're doing a great job with her. You've adapted to being a daddy a lot better than many of the natural fathers I know.”

“I won't be enough for her. I grew up with only my dad watching over me. My mom, she—” He paused a beat. “She was out of the picture.”

He didn't think it was necessary to add that his dad hadn't been much of a father. Heather had met the man and seen him in action. Kenneth O'Riley was an addict. His affection had been misplaced. Shawn had had nothing positive to draw on, no role model to grow up with.

And that was before even considering what Shawn himself had done—or failed to do, with David. Was it fair or safe to put Noelle into his care permanently?

“That must have been rough for you.”

“I'm not looking for sympathy. It was what it was, and anyway, I deserved it. But even if there wasn't my lack of background in good family dynamics, I'd still worry that I'm not suited to parenthood. Today with Missy solidified it for me.”

“I'm not following. You were wonderful with Missy.”

“Maybe on the outside it seemed that way. Inside my gut was turning over like a combine and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. What I mean is—well, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but what if her injury had been worse? What if I had made the wrong decision and she'd ended up in serious trouble? I didn't know whether we should have called the paramedics. I made assumptions when I probably shouldn't have. I'm no expert.”

“It could have been worse,” Heather acknowledged. “But it wasn't.”

“And then I thought about Noelle, and what would happen if I adopted her. Something bad could happen to her and I would be powerless to stop it. And what if I made the wrong decision in the aftermath, and made things worse? I don't think I could handle it if something serious happened to one of these kids. Yours or mine.”

“Do you hear yourself? That's an incredibly defeatist attitude—and coming from you. You've jumped off the bull before it's even out of the gate.”

“I know it seems that way, but—”

“But what, Shawn? Help me to understand. I see your reluctance. Feel it, even. It's no small commitment you and I are considering, and our circumstances are far from ideal. It's only natural that we'd be scared of the responsibility. But at the end of the day, we aren't really in control of anything, are we? We don't know what is going to happen from moment to moment. Every breath is a gift. Some of what happens to us and to the kids is going to be bad. Yes. But some of it will be good. Really good.”

She gestured to the sleeping infant. “Remember that amazing feeling you had the first time this sweet baby girl smiled at you? Well, there's more to come. She'll take her first step. It'll happen before you know it. And she'll say her first word, which I can tell you right now is going to be
Dada
.”

He grimaced.

She smiled. “I don't know about you, but I accept the bad things that have happened to me. I hate that they happened, and I don't know that I'll ever completely recover. But those circumstances led me to having the heart to foster Jacob, Missy and Henry, and I wouldn't miss that for the world.”

“You're thinking of adopting them?”

“More than thinking about it. I've started filling out the paperwork. These kids have become everything to me—and I can't imagine my life without them.”

She absently rubbed her thumb over his. He thought she probably wasn't even aware of the motion, but for him, it was as if his skin had grown millions of little nerve endings, each one full of electricity.

“I know it's not the traditional way of things. Us being single parents depending on help from friends and the community rather than spouses and family. And I do want the best for them. But these kids...” Her voice broke. “If they didn't have me, they'd have no one.”

“They deserve you. And you deserve them. Don't ever doubt yourself. I'm happy for you.”

“But that's not how it's going to be for you and Noelle.” It was a statement and not a question, and although he was certain Heather didn't mean it that way, it almost felt like an accusation. It was the dark shadow of his own guilt lingering over him.

“No, I don't think it is.” He could barely get the words out from between his clenched teeth, but it was all he could do to control the emotions thundering through him like a herd of wild horses—anger, shame, guilt, longing.

“Is it because of your pastorate? Are you afraid you won't have enough quality time to spend with her? You know the people of Serendipity are going to gather around you and support you. Noelle will have more female role models than she knows what to do with. She'll have me.”

“I know—you're right about that. And I appreciate that you'd be there for Noelle. But I just can't be responsible for another human life.”

“What did you say? Another?”

“That's right.” His gaze met Heather's and time stopped. He forgot to breathe. How quickly her curiosity would turn to aversion once he told her about David. But it was time for her to know the truth. “I was responsible for my brother's death.”

Chapter Eight

“D
avid.” Heather hoped her voice didn't waver. Her mouth had suddenly gone as dry as the Texas plain in the middle of summer. It was all coming together. She could now make an educated guess as to who David was, and she wished she couldn't. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear Shawn's next words.

His face said it all.

“How do you know about David?”

“I don't, really. I heard you talking about him when you were speaking with your father, but I had no idea he was your brother until now. What happened?”

She clung to his hand. Whatever he was about to say, she wanted him to know that she still believed in him. Cared for him, more than she wanted to admit, and definitely more than she should.

“I was eight years old, just a little bit younger than Jacob, and David was six,” he began, his lips quirking with anguish at the memory. “We were on vacation. At the beach off the coast of California. It's the only time I've ever been to the ocean. Before or since.”

His eyes took on a faraway look, and she knew he was seeing the moment as if it were happening again. She wanted to put her arms around him but feared that might be too much for him. She knew how it felt to need to get something out without drowning in emotion. So she did the best thing she knew how to do. She listened.

“We were playing in the waves. My brother, he had this Irish complexion. As ginger as they came. You know—bright red hair, fair skin, freckles. The sun was roasting him as red as a cherry. Mom forgot to bring the sunblock out to the sand, so she sent us back to the car to get the bottle.”

He groaned and shook his head, his fingers biting into her palm.

“I was only distracted for a second. There was this sand crab on its back. I was watching it struggle to turn over.”

“Sounds like something any eight-year-old boy would be doing.” She tried not to tense, knowing he would feel her stiffen, but her pulse was beating rapidly as her mind filled in the blanks. Even without all the details, she knew what was coming. Her stomach lurched.

“I unlocked the car door and David crawled into the backseat, digging for the lotion in one of Mom's canvas swim bags. I threw the keys on the front seat, Heather. I don't know why I did that. How stupid could I be?”

His voice broke and his gaze broke away from hers. His struggle was evident in his rigid jaw and the tense lines of his neck.

She wanted to tell him it was all right, but of course it wasn't, and would never be. She was afraid if she spoke she'd only make things worse for him. So she waited, silent, for him to finish his tragic story.

“He was goofing around, pretending to drive. Pushing all of the buttons and pulling at the wheel. I yelled at him to knock it off but he wouldn't listen to me. I kept thinking of how Mom was going to be mad at me for letting David push the buttons, like maybe when she started the car and the windshield wipers would go on or something.”

“It wasn't the wipers you had to worry about,” she guessed.

“No,” he growled, agonized and angry. “It wasn't the wipers. Or the air conditioner. Or anything else on the dashboard. He hit the door lock.”

“Goodness,” Heather said in a breathy voice, hardly able to absorb the incredibly tragic story. And to think Shawn had carried it around on his shoulders all these years. Her heart ached for him.

“It was so hot that day. I didn't know what to do. I didn't realize how quickly hyperthermia could set in.”

“Of course you didn't. You were only eight.”

“He begged me to help him.” Shawn's face turned as white as his shirt. “He screamed for me. I didn't know what to do. I tried to talk him through it, to get him to unlock the door, but he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. All of those buttons. I couldn't get him to push the one that unlocked the car.”

Heather was so deep in her own imagination, picturing the event, that she nearly started out of her skin when Noelle let out a wail. Shawn immediately disengaged from Heather, jamming his fingers through his hair, clearly as dazed as she was. But she intensely missed his touch when he walked away from her.

Glad to have something constructive to do, she scooped Noelle into her arms, shushing her mildly and rocking her back and forth. She wished it was as easy to comfort Shawn in his grief.

“David was rapidly overheating,” Shawn continued. “I didn't know all the ins and outs of what was happening to him, but I could see the changes in his face. I can still see him staring at me, terrified, his palms pressed against the glass. I was his big brother. He depended on me to save him, and I couldn't. Lord forgive me, but I couldn't.”

“It's not your fault, Shawn. It was a terrible accident, to be sure, but you weren't the cause of it.”

“No, maybe not directly, but I could have stopped it from happening. I should have been more careful. I should have held on to the keys and put them in my pocket instead of throwing them on the seat of the car. I shouldn't have gotten distracted with that stupid crab. I should have recognized how serious the circumstances were as soon as I realized he'd locked himself in the car. Maybe if I'd run for my mother straightaway things might have turned out differently. By the time I comprehended that I needed adult help, it was too late for David.”

“Could the adults have done anything to save David if you'd brought them in earlier, do you think? Your mom, I mean? Did she have an extra set of keys? What could she have done in that short space of time that you didn't do?”

“I don't know. I don't know.” He slumped back onto the pew and covered his face in his hands.

“Then how are you at fault? Explain that to me?” She hated to push him, but she needed him to see the truth—that it was a terrible accident for which no one was to blame.

“Do you know what David's death did to my mom? She's institutionalized, Heather. She completely lost her mind thanks to me. She needs psychotic meds and constant supervision just to make it through the day, even all these years later.”

He scoffed in disgust. “You want to know why my dad drinks so much? Well, there you have it. Because of me.”

The hard edge to Shawn's voice upset Noelle, who protested and squirmed in Heather's arms. The baby wasn't used to having her daddy use that tone of voice.

Heather thought Shawn was lost in his own world, but he immediately noticed how his reaction had affected his baby.

“I'm upsetting her.” He held his hands out and Heather transferred Noelle into his arms. “I'm sorry, little darlin'. It's all right. I'm here, baby. Nothing's going to hurt you while I'm around.”

Heather wished Shawn could see himself through her eyes. She wanted him to see what she saw—a man who had beat nearly insurmountable odds to become a pastor. He'd spent his life helping other people and didn't think twice about putting his own convenience on the line for the sake of the abandoned baby girl.

Most men would have passed Noelle off to the system. But not Shawn. He'd given the baby his very best. He gave everyone his very best. And it
was
enough, even if he couldn't see it right now.

“I still see David's face when I close my eyes,” he continued in a soft, carefully modulated tone of voice. “Forever reaching out to me. Calling for help. Not only in the daytime, either. I have nightmares.”

“I know where you're coming from with the nightmares. Not a night goes by that I don't wake up drenched in a cold sweat.”

Even in the midst of his own turmoil, Shawn's gaze flooded with compassion. “Because of what Adrian did to you.”

“No,” she countered in surprise. “I mean, I suppose I still think about that sometimes, but my nightmares are of the family Adrian hit with his car, the children I could not save.”

Shawn grunted and shook his head. “You can't blame yourself for what happened. That was all on Adrian.”

“But looking back on it, I feel like I could have stopped him from walking out the door in the first place. I should have tried harder. I knew he was drunk, and I knew he was going to climb behind the wheel. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. Like with you throwing the car keys on the seat instead of putting them in your pocket. We can't stop the regrets over the things we'd do differently if we had the chance to do it all again.”

“But there aren't any do-overs in life.”

“No. No, there aren't. There's no going back. But we
can
move forward, and that's where I think you've got it all wrong.”

* * *

Shawn stiffened. The woman certainly didn't mince words. She didn't hesitate to point out that he was wallowing in his own misery. If he was being brutally honest with himself, he had been wallowing for years.

And Heather was calling him on it.

Resentment built for exactly one second before he took in Heather's demanding hazel-eyed gaze, challenging him to push his pride aside. His respect for her grew with every beat of his heart. Every time he was with her, he grew to appreciate her more.

Respect, appreciation and...something more. If things were different for him—for them—he might have pursued that line of thought. But circumstances being what they were, he consciously pushed his feelings aside. Heather had just said she was in the process of permanently adopting her three kids. She didn't need him and Noelle to further complicate her life.

“Would you answer a question honestly if I asked you to?” she asked.

“I'm always honest, but whether I answer or not depends on the question.”

“The day we were in San Antonio. You were prepared to hand Noelle over to the state, and then suddenly you weren't. Why not? What changed?”

“That's two questions.” Shawn laughed, trying to shake off the tension between his shoulder blades, but it remained, fierce and tight.

“I don't know. I guess I had it in my mind that she'd be going straight into a loving home.”

“Mom, dad, two-point-five kids, a dog and a white picket fence?”

She got him. Again.

He quirked his lips. “Something like that.”

“But?”

“But the reality was sobering. I hadn't realized that Noelle was probably going to end up in a state home, at least at first. I know after I got her tested that she was negative for drugs, but who knows what would have happened if she'd become a ward of the state. They might have labeled her a possible drug baby even before the testing, which would mean she'd never get a fair shot. Or—well, I don't know where she might have landed.”

“And you still don't. That's the real point here, isn't it? You
didn't
know where she would end up and so you stepped up to make sure she had a soft, safe landing.”

“I suppose. I didn't have a lot of time to think about it. It was more a reaction than an action.”

Heather smiled, and Shawn's heart jumped into his throat. She stroked his arm where Noelle was cradled and sleeping, and then she shoved out a breath.

“Now, Pastor Shawn O'Riley, you have the opportunity to change that reaction into an action. A very important, thoughtful and loving action.”

“That's what
you're
going to do, isn't it? Adopt your kids?”

“Yes, I'm going to try. When I originally agreed to foster my three, I was driven by a sense of guilt over the children Adrian killed, but now...”

“Now it's all about love.” He could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice. Even the rose-laced scent of spring in her perfume hinted at new beginnings.

He wanted that. He wanted what she had. She carried this deep, abiding assurance that she was doing the right thing. And it hadn't come easy to her. He knew how hard she'd worked for it, how much she'd overcome, and that only made him want it more.

He had every confidence that Heather would succeed with whatever she put her mind to, up to and including adopting her three children. He just didn't know if it was possible for him to do the same.

He settled Noelle back in her car seat and buckled her in. Heather reached for his elbow and turned him around.

“Promise me you'll think about it, at least,” she whispered. “That you won't make any rash decisions without talking to me first.”

He couldn't help but doubt himself, although seeing Heather's courage in the face of conflict somehow infused his spirit with a new energy. And when he looked into her eyes, he saw what she'd been trying to say all along but that his ears and his stubborn heart refused to hear.

She believed in him.

It was right in front of him—her faith, her strength, her hope for the future, and...

His entire being warmed with what he saw in her gaze. It wasn't that he'd never thought about this—he had. Many times. But she had so many emotional walls up, and rightly so, that he'd never considered it might actually come to pass.

He never thought... He never imagined that he might be the man to break down those barriers. He'd put up his own walls as well, but the second he looked into her eyes, he forgot what they were.

He didn't move. Didn't breathe, even. Didn't want to be the one to ruin this moment with a misplaced word or wrong movement.

She was the one who closed the distance between them. She stepped forward and reached for his hands, wrapping them around her waist, and then she laid a tentative hand on his jaw. It was the lightest of caresses, but he was a goner. Shawn leaned into her touch. His gaze dropped to her full lips. She was smiling as she tilted her head up to his.

“Heather, I—” he started, but she brushed a finger across his mouth, silencing him before he could continue.

“Please, Shawn. No words. Just please—kiss me.”

His heart slammed into his ribs and it took every bit of his self-control for him not to do just that. There was nothing in the world he wanted so much as to taste her lips and drink in the strength and tenderness of this wonderful, magnificent woman.