Love Delivered (41 page)

I left the bathroom, giving her time to take care of needs for Mother Nature and went back into her bedroom to clean up the food she’d left out. I put her soup into the fridge and ice cream back into the freezer making quick work of it, wanting to get back and check on Zoey. When I returned, she was crawling feebly into bed, her hair a messy display of wild waves, sending a rare sensation straight to my groin.

I approached the bed timidly like a fucking dweeb. I didn’t know what to do. I’d already been forceful. Admittedly, I was emotionally drained myself. Nonetheless, I needed to know if we were out of the woods. I waited.

“You can leave now, Stenton,” she informed hoarsely, from the screaming I was sure.

“Come again? Leave?”

She wouldn’t even fucking look at me.
Shit! Fuck out of the woods; we haven’t traveled past the damn acacia!

With heavy lids focusing on something in the distance, she muttered, “No more, Stenton. You’re like black magic to me. You blacken my soul. I’m done.”

Heat flushed my entire frame, pulse raced, and the cavity of my chest felt null. I couldn’t speak. How do you respond to that? For a while my feet were too heavy to move. There had to be more. She had to remit the weight of her cold words. Nothing.

When I was able to move, I backed out of Zoey’s room, feeling pain in places I didn’t know were available for sensation. It was worse than being alone as a kid and not having Thanksgiving or gifts under the tree Christmas morning because to your feigning parents, they were just regular days to chase their next hit. It damn sure was more painful than having your boys leave for home on the holidays, excited to be returning to their families and me having no urgency to sit at my Uncle Stan’s, shooting a basketball against the wall for hours. It was almost as astounding as getting more love and attention on my birthday at school than I did at home. Nothing felt worse than that moment.

On my drive back to my apartment, I thought,
this
was precisely the reason why years ago I couldn’t just take what I wanted from Zoey in terms of her ultimate commitment. I never wanted to turn her into this. I never wanted her to spiral into this condition. I didn’t want her to suffer from my demanding schedule, the rumors, or compromising her identity before she found it as women her age should do organically. I never wanted to create the dejection I saw in her eyes tonight. And without effort, that’s exactly what I’d done.

I knew I needed to leave her alone. I knew we needed more than space. I knew it may have meant saying goodbye to what, for years, had been my manna. I knew this meant we may never…ever be together.

Well after that night, another decision I’d come to was abandoning the charade of involving other women to draw the illusion of having moved on from Zoey. I didn’t date anyone after Jenna. It was senseless. If I were so lucky to have a fraction of what I found in Zoey with another woman, I would pursue it genuinely. However, that wouldn’t be my focus. Months after that night, my focus had become getting my shit together and being the best father I could to Jordan. Zoey said she wanted to be freed; I needed to let her fly.

That night, I let her go.

April 2013

~
Zoey
~

“Zoey, I don’t need your help. I know how to put a condom on.”

“I was just offering. You seemed to be a little startled by the prospect.”

“That’s because I was. I mean, why would I expect you to keep condoms at your place?”

Hmmmmm… Maybe because I’m a responsible adult?

Bernard and I had our first kiss that night after we left Ocean Prime back in January. I guess all that talk of sex got to him because he’d been very feely since, always kissing and hugging me. That progressed to him touching my butt, and recently groping my breasts. I didn’t mind. I found Bernard attractive enough. He was a pretty good kisser, too. Yet I knew he still had reservations about taking it all the way there. I was ready for one reason in particular: to fully get over Stenton’s touch. No, I didn’t have fire coursing through my veins at Bernard’s touch or my clit throbbing and body trembling when his lips neared mine. But I’d decided while at the moment I didn’t feel those things, that we could eventually grow to that point.

And we’ve been growing over the past few months. We were finally here. I felt we were finally ready to go all the way. Three weeks ago, I thought we were there when I felt his erection for the first time. I’d attempted to block the comparison of him and Stenton out of my mind while I was assessing it, but that night when I went to bed, I couldn’t help make a note that I wouldn’t have to accommodate him like I did Stenton. And when he’d touched my sex, exploring it while our tongues twirled, I was excited to experience his sexual skillset. I was disappointed that night, too, from not having orgasmed. Bernard seemed lost down there, truly exploring as though for the first time. From our exchange with the King’s back in January, it didn’t surprise me that he didn’t go down on me, even though I wanted him to.

But I can work with him. We can learn together.   

And tonight I thought we were well on our way. I had him applying a condom that I’d purchased a few weeks ago, anticipating this.

“See?” Bernard gazed down at himself, wearing a bewildered expression.

I hope I haven’t pushed him too far.

As I lay on my couch, I welcomed him to me with my index finger. Without a smile, but with a stern expression, I’m sure nervous about what we were about to do. I wasn’t naked. I didn’t like that, but was smart enough to know he couldn’t handle me unclothed. He’d clam up. So, I settled for an open blouse, exposing my lace bra and my skirt rolled up to my pelvis. Bernard wasn’t naked either. His pants and boxers were at his hips and shirt still intact.

When he lay on me, the wind left my lungs. It wasn’t due to anything magical like with Stenton. It was because he dropped with no finesse or conscious thought of his landing. He did take to my mouth right away, an act we were both familiar with. We kissed for a while and I waited. Finally, I realized Bernard didn’t know where to go next, so to hint his next move, I thrust up and into him. I continued that several times before he got caught up in the act. Then when that became an aimless journey, I reached between us and positioned the tip of him at my opening. I continued to thrust and he eventually joined me again. Bernard’s breathing picked up and when I opened my eyes to see him, his expression was troubled.

“What’s wrong?” I thought maybe because I was tight and he had yet to breach me fully.

“I think we should stop.”

“Why?” I didn’t understand why his mouth was saying something his body was totally in disagreement with. I felt him straining, so I continued to try to pull him all the way in.

“Because…Because…” Bernard’s lids flickered. “Uhhhhh… Ahhhh…” he grunted.

Holy mother of Joseph! Bernard was having an orgasm when I didn’t feel any pressure from him being inside of me!

I stopped my movements, waiting for him to halt his gyrations on top of me. And when he did, he hopped off of me like I burned him.

“
I
-I need the bathroom.”

He charged out of the living room, leaving me sitting up on my arms, glancing between my legs, wondering what in the world happened. I waited so long for him to come out, I got lost in my phone, on IG. JR was with his father and suddenly I wished he was home with me, watching movies and eating homemade milkshakes.

“Zo,” I heard Bernard call behind me as he returned into the living room.

I turned to find him neatly tucked and more composed. I couldn’t deny the sting from me having never lost mine.

He sat next to me and placed his hand on my thigh. “That was—”

“Awkward?”

Bernard blushed. “Extremely.”

“Yeah. Look, B—”

“It’s not you. I’m very much attracted to you, Zoey.”

“Oh, I saw,” I jibed.

He snorted. “It’s just that I don’t have a lot of experience since I vowed celibacy to Christ years ago. The last time I did that was…” Bernard whistled. “Years ago with Darlena.”

“Darlena?”

From the choir?

He nodded humbly. “Yeah. It was a mess. An ugly mess that forced me to the altar, making promises to God. One of which I broke tonight.”

“Was that your baby she was pregnant with?”

I blurted that question thinking what else could be so messy with Darlena. Bernard didn’t answer.

“It’s not just my story to share.” He faced straight ahead not giving me any eye action. “So, when I saw you up there with your baby at his christening, I felt standing by your side was the right thing to do.”

“Oh, wow.” I cupped my mouth.

Bernard nodded with pouted lips, contemplatively. “So, I don’t want you to feel what happened earlier was a slight toward you. And also what I’m about to say. My spirit feels convicted and I’m embarrassed. I hope you don’t mind if we hold off on doing that again until we’re married. I just wanna do things right, Zo. I’m asking God for too much to be risking it all on my flesh and disappointing you at the same time.”

Nodding my head, I honestly understood Bernard’s apprehensions. I knew I, myself, had manipulated so much, especially with Stenton, and changed the course of my life. It was only by His grace that I’d still been on a path decent enough to be proud of. Like Bernard, I feared the Lord, too. I could use a step back in the ambition department. My motives and actions likely inflicted this pain I’d been carrying around for years.

“I understand and respect your position,” I shoulder knock him.

“Really?”

I nod. “Yeah. It’s cool, B. We can slow our roll. Tonight is evidence of us not being ready to go there.”

“But I want to date you, Zoey. I really do. I want to get us to that point.”

“So do I. We’re on the same page,” I attempted to assure him. “Right now, though, I need to get in the shower, which I’m sure you can appreciate.” I stood with an honest smile.

“Oh. Oh. Oh!” He jumped to his feet. “I need to get back to Jersey anyway. I have to be at church first thing to practice with the senior choir.”

I started out to the foyer. “I won’t be there. I have an early shift, but I’ll call you when I think you’re done.”

“Okay,” he answered behind me.

At the door, Bernard pulled me into a hug, squeezing me with heartfelt emotions before leaving. I drug myself into the shower and thought over the night’s events. I was hugely disappointed, but not in Bernard. I was angry with myself for rushing things once again. I’d now had three sex partners, but chemistry with just one—undefeatable chemistry. Something had to give. One thing I would not do again was give my body away in the name of finding someone new. Sex with another man wouldn’t dull the pain. I now got that. With that revelation, I amended that Bernard may not have caused my toes to curl, but he’d made it clear he wanted a future with me.

When I climbed into bed, I got on my iPad, going through social network for
Niña Sweet Cakes
. I found myself on Stenton’s pages, finding pictures of him either alone or with Jordan. It had been five months since his reported breakup with Jenna and he’d still not been photo’d with anyone else but Jordan. A couple of weeks ago, I covertly asked my mother about Stenton and specifically his dating life. She gave me some indistinct reply about him gaining higher ground, but to keep him lifted in prayer. Anger couldn’t describe my feelings at the moment. Sarah Barrett was my mother! Why did I feel like I was sharing her with Stenton? It was bad enough that I shared a child with him, my home was technically his—heck, even my business was attached to him in name. And considering that night, even my third sexual partner was linked to him.

Holy mother of Joseph!

~~~~~~~~~~

May 2013

I woke up in a cold sweat, breathing erratically. I rose my left hand and sure enough, there it was. That was the moment I felt the first tingle of an itch in the very place the ring clenched on my finger…over the permanent ink of initials. It brought the memory of the night before back crisply.

“Elizabeth Ardell Barrett, will you marry me?”

The entire Delta’s restaurant in New Brunswick went silent. I don’t think anyone was paying attention to us; it just seemed as though the world stopped. Marriage? Bernard and I together was so… unexpected. He invited me out with his friends one night after service after the holidays and now he was on one knee asking for my hand in marriage. For me it was too much. How did we get here?

Admittedly, I’d been having a good time with him. We’d go out and he’d dote on me, brag to his associates about my accomplishments, dress me up in designer garb, tell the world about his intentions of marrying me one day. He’d be particular about my ensembles when out with him. I remember the first time he referenced Tynisha, asking if she could assemble clothing for me. I thought it was a bit vain, but understood that was Bernard’s speed. It didn’t make me feel any less appealing. I just used it as a source to step my game up in my appearance, especially when I explained to him that Tynisha and I were no longer that closely associated.

Then there was experiencing that church culture when out with Bernard and his friends. They spoke with a cadence and a vernacular only found in a traditional black church environment. That I did find challenging. All of my childhood I was labeled a church girl; when I evolved socially, I shook that identity. Spiritually, I remained anchored in the Word, but I didn’t want the label. Bernard, on the other hand, embraced it. That wasn’t my style. But to each his own. I still had fun when around him. I laughed endlessly with him, never taking a moment seriously outside of his ministering when singing. I needed that break from my harsh reality.

Bernard and I were friends, and that’s how Stenton and I started out. The only difference was Stenton and I had this explosive chemistry that I couldn’t contain…then our friendship went awry. But Bernard asking now? Where was the layover?

I’d been grinding. Hard. The year of 2013 was one of sheer dedication to my business with the pure intent of opening a third location. It had happened just two weeks before this proposal. How did we get to this point when we hadn’t spent a lot of time together? I’d been working like a dog for the success I’d recently achieved. And Jordan. What would this mean for him? I hadn’t had him around Bernard much outside of church, understanding he was very much attached to his father and so young. I didn’t know how to integrate him into a relationship with me and a man, period. Jordan was sharp and had asked a year or so ago why his mommy and daddy weren’t a family. I couldn’t have even consulted my mother for guidance on that. My family had always been together. I didn’t even invite Bernard to Jordan’s 5th birthday party in Alpine last month, not prepared to handle it all.

Now he was proposing. I had to gain the reins of this runaway horse. I regarded Bernard in his Ralph Lauren pants, on one knee, holding a black velvet box with a plain gold band holding a miniature diamond said to be from his father’s proposal to his mother. I broke a polite smile onto my face.

“Bernard, you know I’ve never aspired to marriage. That’s never been on my wish list, even as a child.”

Bernard stood, scooting the chair to the left of me over and sat close enough for our knees to touch.

“I know, Zoey, but I believe this would be good for us. I want, in my heart, to do the honorable thing for you. I want to give you the ultimate commitment. I want to take care of you…as my wife.”

Although I knew Bernard couldn’t take care of me and my belongings on his inconsistent salary as a cover band, there was something admirable in what he was asking. He wanted something official. I’d never had that. Yet, I wouldn’t rush into anything for the sake of needing what Stenton couldn’t provide.

Did I just think his name? Ugh!

“I’m going to need time to adjust to this. I also need to think about Jordan. I’m not in this thing alone. He’s a part of my parcel.”

I couldn’t turn down Bernard’s proposal. It shielded me from my reality, which was dating for Elizabeth Barrett was an impossible feat. Outside of raising a child and my demanding work schedule, I didn’t have lots of time to date. And then there was that issue of who my child’s father was. Trying to date while being Stenton Rogers’ baby’s mother toyed with my self-esteem. Nobody wanted to get to know me. They wanted to either get to him or align themselves with his image. That’s where I came in. Too many men were far more interested in getting at Stenton’s former lover, his son’s mother rather than learning about me. That truth sucked. Even I knew I had more to offer than a mere man I had sex with at least once to produce a child.