Love Delayed (38 page)

“Good,
huhn?” She blushed.

As I chewed I
attempted, “I didn’t think anybody’s greens or gravy could top your daughter’s.”

I didn’t know if that was wise to share, but figured
fuck it
: it was the truth.     

Sarah giggled delightfully. “Well, that
is
my child.” She went over to a drawer in her china cabinet and pulled out yarn and needles then sat next to me.

“She’s a really good cook,” she murmured.

She’s perfect in everything she does.

When I looked up, I saw her knitting a yellow and white blanket. I froze.

“Is that for…” I couldn’t finish it.

“
Mmm-hmm.”

My eyes collapsed. I got that twisting feeling in my
damn stomach again. 

“Stenton,
ain’t no need in crying over spilled milk. What’s done is done. I keep telling Zoey the same thing.” Sarah never looked up from her needling when she spoke.

“Does she… Has she said…” I stumbled on my words.

“She isn’t proud. She isn’t exactly happy. But she’s healthy and so is that baby. That’s all we can focus on now.” Sarah continued rolling her fingers, moving faster than my eyes could follow.

After a moment I went back to eating.

“So, how have you been? And I ain’t talking that ball game nonsense either.” She swayed her head towards the wall that separated us from the living room where Michael was.

I took a moment to consider her question.
“You want the truth?”

“It always help
s.” Her eyes skirted up to meet mine.

I dropped my fork and pushed my plate away. I felt high. Like fucking intoxicatingly uninhibited. The only person I could share freely with was no longer around. I’d fucked that up. But her mother, her shaper, her molder and nurturer was here and I felt like making Sarah her daughter’s proxy. Would she take to me opening
up, I didn’t know. But I was so desperate, I gave it a try.

“Last January,
Zoey’s phone was shut off. Do you remember?”

Sarah nodded, her hands still nimble in knitting.

“I didn’t know. All I knew was I hadn’t heard from her in weeks and…” My eyes closed, remembering the undercurrent of emotions I felt at not hearing from her after having an amazing time with her that first time in Alpine. “I didn’t like it. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I thought maybe I’d said or done something to hurt or offend her. Or worse: that she’d heard something bogus in the damn media. I couldn’t talk to anyone about these…fears, because I honestly didn’t understand them myself.” I shook my head at the memory.

“Anyway, one day I said
fu—” I observed the amused smile on her face. “I mean, forget that; I’m going to reach out to her. It took a few days, but I tracked her down in the library, sneaking into a reserved room,” I snickered, thinking about how big her eyes got when she saw me step into the room. “She was listening to music on her iPod and I picked up an earplug to hear. A song by Ledisi was playing.
Lost and Found
. I hadn’t heard it before, but within just seconds, I could feel the spirit of the song. Feel Zoey’s pain. After leaving her that night, I downloaded the track and absorbed it. It’s really melancholy…really desperate. The subtitle of the track is
Find Me
—it’s that dark.” I rubbed my face.

“It’s the pressure of it all: the game, the business of it, the wolves in sheep’s clothing…
It gets so heavy.” I brought my eyes back up to Sarah.

Her eyebrows were hiked and chin angled. “And?”

I exhaled. She saw through the bullshit. “And I lost my best friend. I fucking literally
live
the sentiment of that track.”

There was
a long pause. A cloud over the room being removed. It’s hard to speak of those things you can only feel. I didn’t feel the need to apologize for the vulgar word I used to express myself, neither would I make a habit of using it. I just needed to be understood.

Sarah
swiftly tossed her yarn and needles on the table and grabbed her chest with one hand. She rested her forehead on the other hand that was balled into fist. I watched her pant for a minute. I wasn’t alarmed. I didn’t know what was coming, but for some reason, I wasn’t afraid of it.

“I knew it.” She shook her head on her fist. “My
Zoey’s nobody’s fool. No one’s perfect, but she’s been my saving grace as a parent. I knew she didn’t fall into this thing without her head.”

I chewed on the inside of my lips as I sat back in the chair, feeling a thousand pounds lighter.

Sarah’s head rose, her eyes reached to mine desperately. “You loved her—”

“I love her,” I muttered, correcting her.
 

Her mouth dropped. I saw the confusion in her eyes. Could hear the questions she could
n’t muster to ask.

“She’s so young. She needs to live. To
discover. Zoey wants to explore the world, not be locked in a lifetime commitment. She wants to journey alone.” I shook my head again. “She can’t do that being under me. She doesn’t deserve the hot seat that comes with this lifestyle. She deserves the time she needs to make that decision on her own. I don’t want this baby slipup to make that decision for her. I can keep her life private—or far more private than I could if she was by my side.  

“
Zoey wants the same destination any other girl her age desires. She just wants a different journey to get there. She’s an idealist. If you don’t manage her, she’ll slip away.”

I shook my head again. “
I’ve created so much of a mess, I don’t know how to fix it.” I rubbed the pang that ran through my chest. “I don’t know what to do with the...pain,” I admitted.

Sarah’s eyes suddenly narrowed. “
Do you want to be with Zoey, Stenton?”

“
I want her to choose me. But I never felt I was her choice.”

“
Seems to me you two need time. Zoey needs to find herself first.”

“
I just hope I haven’t destroyed anything in her,” I barely got out. My throat closed up on me.

Sarah’s hand cuffed my wrist in a comforting manner. “Now, I know that girl. I made her. She’s tough. Shoot, all this time I thought she’d gotten herself into a
loveless affair with you, messed around and got an unwanted child out of it. We can’t underestimate that girl. She’s strong. Smart. She may not be as invincible and sound as she presents, but Zoey will figure it out in the end. Son, give this thing to God and I guarantee things will work out for the best…for both of you.”

Call me fucking crazy, but in that brief moment, I whole-heartedly believed Sarah. I even felt a momentary reprieve of the pain I’d been carrying for months. I wanted that peace to last forever.

One thing was for sure; I’d made the right decision in making that call earlier.

 
~~~~~~~~~~

April 2008                                                                                                                             

Perfection.
There were ten fingers and ten toes—all of which were identical to mine, almond shaped eyes with a brow line just like mine, a cute button nose that we’d already known he snatched from me and tiny plump lips that I couldn’t deny came from his mother. His sound and contented sleep deprived me of the opportunity of our first formal playtime, but I was determined to study every inch of Jordan Michael Rogers, who was a touch of perfection. At just three hours old, he made the biggest impact on my life, second only to his mother, who was across the room, asleep herself. She must’ve been exhausted. It was hell watching her push out this bundle of joy.

When you see your heavily anticipated child, you experience a mirage of lifelong events vacuumed all into just a few seconds. You see his fi
rst run, his first time holding a ball, when he leaves for his first date, his graduations, and him holding his first child, experiencing the myriad of emotions you’re experiencing with him now. And just to think, before meeting his mother almost two years ago I had no desire for the sheer joy I felt now, holding my son in my hands.

We’d just ended the third quarter against Toronto, and when I
jogged off the court, Paul and Travis, my agent, walked over to me with the news that Zoey was in labor. I looked over at Coach DiLeo and immediately caught his affirmative nod. I left the arena, tossing my jersey and pulling on a long sleeved tee and a sweat suit as we paced to the exit. I was nervous as fuck. Paul gave me a blow by blow update from the moment we left the court until we were disembarking the plane at Teterboro.

The ride to the hospital had my stomach in knots at the anticipation of it all. Then it seemed as soon as we entered the hospital
, time sped up. A nurse was at the entrance directing my security and me to the maternity level and I had to scrub up because Zoey had to begin pushing.

Zoey
.

Her eyes lit up with relief when she saw me. It made me wonder if she thought I wouldn
’t be here for the baby. For her. I didn’t want to go there. Thoughts of the state of my relationship with Zoey fucking depressed me. I grabbed her hand, buried my head in the side of her face and first apologized for my stinking ass, then murmured in her ear words of admiration for what she was doing for me and the baby. I must have told her a million times how proud of her I was and reaffirmed my love for her in spite of our status. That shit was cathartic for me. It worked, too. The next thing I realized was Dr. Henson announcing the arrival of our baby boy.  That was a moment I’ll never forget.

The fruit of my loins was wrapped in
delicate cloth and was snug in my hands. The shit was crazy. I was looking at my legacy, my future. I finally had a familial connection to be excited about. Life to give guidance to. A human being to provide for. Someone that would give me a permanent connection to the woman across the room. I had a family.

“
Mr. Rogers,” I heard from above me. I glanced up and found one of the nurses—the one I thought resembled Miss Piggy, but was warm and accommodating just as the rest of them—glancing down on me with a pleasing smile. “I have to take Jordan for his vitals, shots and another weigh-in. I’ll be right back with him. Perhaps you can order breakfast while he’s away.”

Shit.
Food. I’d forgotten to eat...
to wash my ass!
My poor baby, having to smell work on his old man.

I nodded and handed my little man over with great
disinclination. He was my partner, even in that moment.

When the door closed behind them, I decided to take a shower.
Zoey was in a private room, something I made sure to arrange. I wanted privacy for her and Jordan, didn’t want to expose them to the media any sooner than I had to. My team worked seamlessly getting me in the place.

When I arrived,
Zoey’s parents and sister were there. I felt relieved to know she wasn’t alone. Occasionally, I’d forget Zoey came from a tight family. She wasn’t like me, a loner, which is probably what really drew me to her.

When I was done showering, I threw on fresh sweats and shower shoes
Paul had arranged to have delivered here while we were en route from Canada. As I sauntered out of the bathroom, I texted Paul, asking him to come and pick up my dirty laundry when he woke up. I knew he had to be somewhere sleeping.

“
They miss you already?”

I glanced up and found
Zoey smirking. She wore an expression of fatigue, but even exhaustion looked so damn cute on her. My heart swelled in pride at the sight of her. She was a trooper during delivery. I don’t know why I expected less; this was Zoey after all.

I toss
ed a smile at her. “Telling Paul to come get my dirty clothes and bring clean ones for the duration of my stay.”

Zoey
’s brows wrinkled and chin dipped. “You’re staying? Here?”

I fought not to take that as a hint of being unwelcomed as I lowered myself in the
cushioned chair next to her bed, crossed my stretched legs and plopped them onto her mattress.

“
Yup. You couldn’t pay me to leave my...son.”

I
’d almost slipped and used the word family. Because that’s what it felt like. Zoey and I hadn’t fucked in two months, since her birthday. We were in touch minimally by her design, but I still felt this incredible tie to her. I’d hoped my willingness to meet her need for space would pay off.

“
Can you believe we have this tiny creature?” I glanced over and saw raw exhilaration etched into her face. Her smile was broad and suddenly she didn’t appear as drained as she was just moments ago. She looked like my youthful Niña. “Isn’t he perfect? He looks like you, you know? I see my mom’s lips, but everything else is StentRo.”

I curbed the initial glare I gave her at the mention of my on-the-court moniker.
Zoey was in her element, being the fiery woman that captivated me almost two years ago. She recognized her mother’s lips on Jordan, I saw hers. I guessed it was the same difference.